How do you date a woman who is better looking than you?

[MeadowFlower]

@ironponywhat about her. Are you attracted to her. The person that she is. How about falling for the person that she is, not her body. Her body is going to be unattractive one day through ageing.

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, enigma32 said:

Ugly girls cheat too. Even the least attractive females out there have guys hitting them up trying to get laid so everyone has options.

^^ fair enough @enigma32 + I suspect you are right. I think with very attractive women you have more of a risk of men who brazenly try to steal her away from you even while you're in the same room. This probably has more to do with the men themselves and their personal psychology than the actual woman (who've they've often literally just seen).

She is a prize to be stolen, validating their manhood or what have you. Something along those lines. That is more what I was getting at above.  Also the very attractive women will have, essentially, perpetual options, whereas for the less attractive women they may be fewer and farther between (while no doubt still there as you point out).

Edited June 24, 2021 by mark clemson

[ironpony]

Oh okay.  Well I guess the chances of her wanting to be stolen away are slim, if she doesn't know the other guys in the room, or is that often not the case?  I guess I just feel I shouldn't give up based on that, especially since the first date went so well now I thought.

[basil67]

If she wanted to be "stolen away", she wouldn't be with you.

[SumGuy]

On 6/23/2021 at 2:01 PM, ironpony said:

...  But guys like thin, small chested supermodel types, so why do guys like that, if there is a reason?  Don't guys feel weird if a woman is thin, which means her chest is not going to be more voluptuous than their own, or do most guys just not think that way?

I don't  know, and believe the extent they are attractive (overall) to men is very exaggerated.  Yet to each their own, they are not my type so more than happy other men are chasing them and leaving the women I desire alone    Heck there are even men who like men I hear   so there is a whole spectrum.

If she is not your physical cup of tea no need to be attracted to her because your friends or people you know are; likewise if she is your type and others think not, ignore them.

In the end, your thread title is a bit misleading.   It doesn't sound like she is so much your perfection it is too much for you to handle, rather she may be others "perfection" but not even your type.

[ironpony]

Maybe I thought she was too much for me to handle, but then as I think about it more, maybe she is just of a different type.  However the date went really well and I am really attracted to her face, and I was turned on by the kissing.  My one friend said I put too much emphasis on body type perhaps, and I need to form a deeper connection but it sounds like if I like the face and kissing, I should take that as a positive so far, if he has a point...

I think another thing that feels awkward for me is the age difference though, since there has to got to be at pleast 13 years difference between us, if not more at least, so should I bring this up with her casually or not even mention it?

[SumGuy]

9 hours ago, ironpony said:

Maybe I thought she was too much for me to handle, but then as I think about it more, maybe she is just of a different type.  However the date went really well and I am really attracted to her face, and I was turned on by the kissing.  My one friend said I put too much emphasis on body type perhaps, and I need to form a deeper connection but it sounds like if I like the face and kissing, I should take that as a positive so far, if he has a point...

I think another thing that feels awkward for me is the age difference though, since there has to got to be at pleast 13 years difference between us, if not more at least, so should I bring this up with her casually or not even mention it?

Your friend has point on connection.

If she knows your age then why bring it up if not then may mention if you are at the same life stage.  I missed that part about the age difference.   I am really hoping she is mid 20s, but she did pursue you it seems.

[cleverusername]

You can always change your body, you cant change your face (well). You can't change someone's personality or your connection with them either. See where i'm going..... 

[Uruktopi]

On 6/24/2021 at 4:23 AM, MeadowFlower said:

@ironponywhat about her. Are you attracted to her. The person that she is. How about falling for the person that she is, not her body. Her body is going to be unattractive one day through ageing.

I have to agree while I also disagree.

The body of the woman that once was the love of my life was also "her", never turned unatractive for me (quite the opposite) and we both were over 60.

But, of course, was her, all of her, no one else but her.

Edited June 25, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Uruktopi]

14 hours ago, basil67 said:

If she wanted to be "stolen away", she wouldn't be with you.

"If she wanted to be "stolen away", she shouldn't be with you"

[SumGuy]

14 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

"If she wanted to be "stolen away", she shouldn't be with you"

I didn't know women were objects that could be "stolen."   

If one frequents places where random men interrupt your date and try to "steal her" that is an issue with those places and those men.   

[Uruktopi]

3 hours ago, SumGuy said:

I didn't know women were objects that could be "stolen."   

If one frequents places where random men interrupt your date and try to "steal her" that is an issue with those places and those men.   

As you may note reading me with some detail, I took the expression "stolen away" from another post I quoted. 

It haves a colloquial meaning that I don´t even share. My only own intervention was to replace the "she wouldn't be with you." said by the poster with "she shouldn't be with you" in the just conjectural case that she may want to "be stolen" (in the terms that basil67 said it).

I agree with you that neither women nor men are objects.

But besides some linguistic itch (of the kind that even when true they change nothing) that was not the core of what was said.

Thank you.   

 

Edited June 25, 2021 by Uruktopi

[SumGuy]

@Uruktopi Sorry didn't mean to come across as implying you thought women could be "stolen."   Meant to further agree with your sentiment, and express my general dislike for expression and the relationship/world view it implies. 

[Uruktopi]

2 hours ago, SumGuy said:

@Uruktopi Sorry didn't mean to come across as implying you thought women could be "stolen."   Meant to further agree with your sentiment, and express my general dislike for expression and the relationship/world view it implies. 

Thank you a lot.

Let me say that I suspect that the "the relationship/world view it implies" is neither held by the poster I quoted.

Language is sometimes tricky and somehow outdated.

Just as an example, we use the word "disaster" for natural events like earthquaques while it´s ancient meaning was "not aligned with the stars".  Not a "causal" view that is actually implied.

Besides that, I sometimes feel that we are too concerned with the lingustic expressions or at least not enough with some more solid commitment for what we should stand for in our interactios. As if words, being of course of some wheight, were magical, some kind of Logos. Truth is tat symbols follow social changes rather than being their causes.

I agree that couple relationships are being eroded by something like tacit "philosophical" views.

We trend to confront some of those ideas when they are remainings of the past and changing them is quite good.

But the present enphasis in almost only the individuals, instead of a team attitude towards the human couple seems at least as inmature as the ideas with roots in the past.

Best wishes, my friend.

Edited June 26, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Uruktopi]

2 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

....... duplicated

 

Edited June 26, 2021 by Uruktopi

[ironpony]

Oh okay.  Well as far as the age difference goes, saying if she wouldn't have had a problem with it, she wouldn't have picked me... It's just that other women I dated said they felt I looked 10 years younger and they were surprised when I told them my real age.  It was women my own age who were surprised because they thought I was probably 10 years younger than them.  But now I have the opposite, and one who is over 10 years younger than me thinks I am closer to her age probably.

I just was just wondering how to bring that up, if she asks my age, or I ask hers.  Or should I not ask?  Also, since I was insecure about still living with my parents or being autistic, how should I bring those up then, even with confidence?

[ironpony]

Another thing I find intimidating though, is I am autistic and what does a woman this goodlooking want with an autistic guy when she finds out soon. So I find that intimidating, or is there any advice on how I should handle that problem I have?

[SumGuy]

10 hours ago, ironpony said:

Another thing I find intimidating though, is I am autistic and what does a woman this goodlooking want with an autistic guy when she finds out soon. So I find that intimidating, or is there any advice on how I should handle that problem I have?

Why not let her know you are autistic?  It could go a long way for her to understand if you miss a hint or signal.   To be honest I would never have guessed from your posts.

On age, it may be good to bring it up soon.  Just that you noticed the gap and have been told you look young.   It's some good honesty.  If she has no problem with it you are good, if she does well good to let her know up front so she doesn't think you deceived her...heck being honest about it could really overcome some hesitation.

What does a good looking woman want?  As you know all women are different, but this question seems to be asked when the asker does not feel attractive or rich or check all the transactional/materialistic boxes.   In my view a "good looking" woman has had no problem with male attention, or getting other good looking men, or men with money if that is what she wants. 

So what they are looking for is connection.  They are looking for someone who sees them as a person and not just a pretty face.   They see something in you that gives them hope that you are like that, and/or that they like, and find interesting, cool about you...forget the stereo types about what that is.  In fact they may well be attracted to how you do not bow to convention.  

So in short when they go out with you, they are rooting for you.   Don't get gob smacked by their looks, learn about her and try to get gob smacked by her personality and interests, her.  Don't be afraid to be genuine, as a good looking woman has experienced plenty of guys doing and saying whatever to impress her...also don't do the player BS and be mean to her or act disinterested or intentionally offensive (that doesn't show your "value" just shows you are an a**hole and be certain she will pick up on it).

[ironpony]

Oh okay thanks.  I can do that.  As for not telling her I am autistic, well the thing is, I feel weird about still living with my parents, so if I told her it was because I was autistic, would that be a better reason for it then, or no?

[CaliforniaGirl]

4 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay thanks.  I can do that.  As for not telling her I am autistic, well the thing is, I feel weird about still living with my parents, so if I told her it was because I was autistic, would that be a better reason for it then, or no?

No. When you reveal to her that you're autistic, and that can be in your own time, don't use it as the reason for living at home. She's going to think you're saying your autism is a disability that won't allow you to be independent and that isn't the case, right? What are the reasons you're living at home? To save money, or...?

[ironpony]

The reason was to save my money but I have been told because of it I couldn't make it on my own either, so that makes me second guess myself as well.

As far as the idea of not teling her though, that was mentioned before, wouldn't she find out anyway later somehow though, and it's better coming from me?

[princessaurora]

On 6/24/2021 at 9:06 PM, ironpony said:

Oh okay.  Well I guess the chances of her wanting to be stolen away are slim, if she doesn't know the other guys in the room, or is that often not the case?  I guess I just feel I shouldn't give up based on that, especially since the first date went so well now I thought.

In all honesty, ironpony, guys trying to pull a woman's attention when she's out with another guy is more of an annoyance than anything else, especially if she's into the guy she's out with. You need to be confident in yourself and what you have to offer. Don't let other guys who try to talk to her on her way back from the ladies room or wherever make you feel inadequate.   You need to act like it doesn't even phase you.

I dated a guy once who I was very physically attracted to, but he would get so butthurt when other guys would approach me when he stepped away for a moment. It eventually drove me to stop seeing him because his insecurity was such a turnoff, whereas my now husband would just brush it right off his shoulders or even tease me about it.  He knew his worth and what he was bringing to the table and that's what he projected. You have to remember she came there with you, she flirted with you. She probably gets hit on all the time, but she chose to go on a date with you, ,so believe in yourself.  Make her laugh, show her a good time, and she'll be rolling her eyes at all the others who try to "steal" her away. 

[SumGuy]

9 hours ago, ironpony said:

The reason was to save my money but I have been told because of it I couldn't make it on my own either, so that makes me second guess myself as well.

As far as the idea of not teling her though, that was mentioned before, wouldn't she find out anyway later somehow though, and it's better coming from me?

Telling her you live at home, likely too much too soon.  At some point it will come up naturally if you two date.   Housing is expensive, most of people your age that live at home do so for that very reason, to save money for the future.  There is making it and being fiscally wise.  If ones parents are cool living at home to save money makes a lot of sense.

I know it is culturally odd in the US to live at home these days, but not always.  It really, to me, is more about have you failed to be independent and your parents are still carrying your water, or are you saving money, not a burden but a help to them, and generally they are more like cool roommates (i.e. there is a strong adult-to-adult relationship component vs. only a adult-to-child dynamic) who know you than parents.

Don't overthink it.   More important to get to know each other.  A non-judgmental person will know there are many reasons people live at home, some green flags, some red, some purple.

[ironpony]

Oh okay thanks.  Well another thing I feel weird about is the age different.  She is 15 years younger than me and it makes me feel old, unless that's not bad and I am making too big a deal out if it?

[CaliforniaGirl]

12 hours ago, ironpony said:

The reason was to save my money but I have been told because of it I couldn't make it on my own either, so that makes me second guess myself as well.

As far as the idea of not teling her though, that was mentioned before, wouldn't she find out anyway later somehow though, and it's better coming from me?

No, I didn't mean don't ever tell her you're autistic. You can do that when you're comfortable with it. What I'm saying is, you seemed to be saying you wanted to bring it up as your reason for living at home. But if you do that, it sounds like you're saying your autism is a disability and it's never going to allow you to live independently. And that isn't the case, right? So not only is that something that might take someone aback (in the long run people usually want to branch off together), it's not really honest. At least not from what I'm picking up.

Most people you date will eventually want to know where you live. When you tell her you're with your parents, I'd focus on the positive and remain honest. "Right now I'm in my family home. I'm regrouping and saving some money while I plan my next steps." Well, maybe not that wooden, LOL, but you get the idea.

Edited June 27, 2021 by CaliforniaGirl