Is it normal that my bf cares about my look more than I do?

[Tinkido]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this when the hair issue began? Is there a future here or are you just living together for economic convenience?

Now when you mention it, the hair issues started even before we moved to his mom's house. It was just then he was not that harsh with words. 

We are living here now because we didn't want to pay rent while we are trying to save money for a house. At least that's what he told me at the beginning. 

Anyway, thanks a lot for your help. 

[Blind-Sided]

7 hours ago, Tinkido said:

I see your point. Thanks a lot. The truth is I never changed my hair drastically - let's say he always wants my hair to be  tied up in a ponytail or straight (generally, my hair is curly), he says that way suits me best. Whenever I let my hair down or decide not to straighten it, he gets really frustrated (uses expressions as: "You look awful", don't want to mention more). Anyhow, I may be the one misunderstanding it. I will keep that in mind.

Well......

That doesn't sound like he's being nice about it... or that you did something drastic.  Honestly... just ask him why he doesn't like it straight. Maybe he had an ex he really hated, and that style hair makes him think of her. 

Good luck with the outcome. 

[ShyViolet]

8 hours ago, Tinkido said:

Whenever I let my hair down or decide not to straighten it, he gets really frustrated (uses expressions as: "You look awful", don't want to mention more). Anyhow, I may be the one misunderstanding it. I will keep that in mind.

I absolutely can't believe that you've stayed with a guy who treats you this way.  He is controlling and verbally abusive.  This is not normal.  Worse yet, you sound like you have very low self-esteem and you are minimizing it, saying things like "maybe I'm just misunderstanding it".  You sound very unsure of yourself and kind of submissive to him.  Gain some self-esteem and don't accept this.

[MsJayne]

He sounds very controlling, and possibly has a fussy hairdresser hiding inside him struggling to come out. Or perhaps your hair is so lovely when left natural that he worries you'll attract the attention of other men. It doesn't matter either way, insulting you about your appearance and telling you how to present yourself is just rude, disrespectful, and controlling. Tell him to shut up and keep his rude opinions to himself, and wear your hair how you want to, preferably in the style that most irritates him. 

[Tinkido]

4 hours ago, MsJayne said:

He sounds very controlling, and possibly has a fussy hairdresser hiding inside him struggling to come out. 

This is interesting. His mom and dad are divorced. Both are hairdressers. His father's mother is also a hairdresser. 

His life isn't easy. He doesn't speak to his father because as a child he used to physically abuse him.

[SumGuy]

20 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

It's your hair.  If he's rude to you when you change your hairstyle that is a problem.  He can express a preference but the rudeness is way out of bounds. 

At this juncture you should not be buying real estate together.  You are only BF/GF.  It's a bad investment.  If he's rude about your hair, demanding that the location be closer to where he is & dismissive of the neutral location you suggest, you are going to be smothered in this relationship.  Your voice is not being heard.  

This.  Unlikely he will get better, more likely he will get more controlling especially as it gets harder for you to leave, like if you had a house together.   
 

Personally treating me with such disrespect would cause me to leave, and would never buy real estate with such a person.

[SumGuy]

22 minutes ago, Tinkido said:

His life isn't easy. He doesn't speak to his father because as a child he used to physically abuse him.

Is your life easy?   Your sympathy for him should end when his abuse of you begins.  
 

He may well be following in his father’s footsteps, it’s not uncommon because that is what he saw modeled no matter how much he hates it and him.  
 

He can have all the views on your hai he likes, and even dislike it.   It is how he treats you when you say no (get a hairstyle he dislikes) that is telling.  His reaction is not healthy and a yellow flag, at best, to me.  
 

I don’t tend to minimize these things as most abusive relationships didn’t start that way.   The control and abuse started small, and grew over time.  
 

Edited June 21, 2021 by SumGuy

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Is your life easy?   Your sympathy for him should end when his abuse of you begins.  

This. 

This has nothing to do with your prefered hairstyle, OP. Asking him why he likes it straight (or not) is like asking a bank robber why he prefers holding up banks in the morning as opposed to the afternoon - it completely misses the point. 

It has everything to do with a toxic relaitonship designed to keep your self-esteem low and keep you under his thumb.  

[Taramere]

12 hours ago, MsJayne said:

He sounds very controlling, and possibly has a fussy hairdresser hiding inside him struggling to come out. 

Agreed.  I'd buy him a Girls' World styling head and tell him to vent his desire to play women's hair stylist onto that.

[spiderowl]

On 6/20/2021 at 4:17 PM, Tinkido said:

Thank you all. I guess deep down I knew it, I was just scared to admit it to myself. 

It's not easy to admit something so significant to yourself, but it is a first step to working out what to do next.

Your feelings matter too.

[Donnas]

Ok .breakup. and go enjoy yourlife.

This doesnt look ok.

Hes abusive and controlling.be single and work on your self esteem.

 

 

 

 

[Tinkido]

Thank you all. I have left today. I quickly packed my stuff and left early in the morning. Left him a note with everything how he made me feel. Then I turned off my phone. I took the train to a city which is located between our two cities and booked a hotel room. I want to be alone for some time . But then when I switched on my phone, he wrote to me that he is coming to me (he thought I was at my parents). He was telling how he did not want to lose me, how much he loved me. He has never driven on the highway and in a big city with his car as he is a new driver. I am worried. I don't know what I should do. This became too complicated. I think I will meet him with one of the hairstyles he cannot stand and see his reaction. I will listen to what he has to say and If he start offending me again, I will know my way. 

[Acacia98]

21 minutes ago, Tinkido said:

Thank you all. I have left today. I quickly packed my stuff and left early in the morning. Left him a note with everything how he made me feel. Then I turned off my phone. I took the train to a city which is located between our two cities and booked a hotel room. I want to be alone for some time . But then when I switched on my phone, he wrote to me that he is coming to me (he thought I was at my parents). He was telling how he did not want to lose me, how much he loved me. He has never driven on the highway and in a big city with his car as he is a new driver. I am worried. I don't know what I should do. This became too complicated. I think I will meet him with one of the hairstyles he cannot stand and see his reaction. I will listen to what he has to say and If he start offending me again, I will know my way. 

I suggest that you do exactly what you said you want, which is to take time to be alone. Right now, your plan to go and meet him sounds like a people-pleasing thing. If you meet, he could very easily say all the right things and sweet talk you into going back with him. And because deep down inside, you want to save the relationship, you may suppress all your doubts and go with him.

You can meet him later, say after one week or however much time you think you need to think about what you really want. You could send him a message letting him know you need time alone to think about stuff. He probably wouldn't be happy about that, but he should respect it.

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Tinkido said:

 . But then when I switched on my phone, 

Be decisive. Running away for attention and drama will not change him or his mother. It's a childish stunt.

You have your own parents. You have a place to stay. Stop living in their house.

Your living in thier home is the problem. Go back to your parents. Save money there.

 

 

[Tinkido]

3 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I suggest that you do exactly what you said you want, which is to take time to be alone. Right now, your plan to go and meet him sounds like a people-pleasing thing. If you meet, he could very easily say all the right things and sweet talk you into going back with him. And because deep down inside, you want to save the relationship, you may suppress all your doubts and go with him.

You can meet him later, say after one week or however much time you think you need to think about what you really want. You could send him a message letting him know you need time alone to think about stuff. He probably wouldn't be happy about that, but he should respect it.

I already said that to him. But he said he will not go back home without me. I told him I was not at my parents so he will not go there to get them worried. He said he would search for me, if it does mean to wonder on the streets whole night. He even said that if I do not meet him tonight, I can call him in the morning and he will come anywhere. He did not go to work today without informing why he would not be there.( one of his colleagues let me know) 

[Tinkido]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Be decisive. Running away for attention and drama will not change him or his mother. It's a childish stunt.

You have your own parents. You have a place to stay. Stop living in their house.

Your living in thier home is the problem. Go back to your parents. Save money there.

 

 

I have never created drama. I hate being in the centre of attention or any sort of that. I don't want to go to my parents right now, because, firstly: I try to avoid all the questions now and secondly: I don't want him to come there and create drama in front of my family and friends. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Tinkido said:

 I don't want him to come there and create drama in front of my family and friends. 

You need to move out of his mother's house. You're imposing on them and they resent it.

That's the solution. It doesn't matter if you want to live with your parents or not. Just move out.

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, Tinkido said:

Thank you all. I have left today. I quickly packed my stuff and left early in the morning. Left him a note with everything how he made me feel. Then I turned off my phone. I took the train to a city which is located between our two cities and booked a hotel room. I want to be alone for some time . But then when I switched on my phone, he wrote to me that he is coming to me (he thought I was at my parents). He was telling how he did not want to lose me, how much he loved me. He has never driven on the highway and in a big city with his car as he is a new driver. I am worried. I don't know what I should do. This became too complicated. I think I will meet him with one of the hairstyles he cannot stand and see his reaction. I will listen to what he has to say and If he start offending me again, I will know my way. 

Your decision to leave in this matter by hastily packing, leaving him a note & sneaking out seems rash & a cry for attention.  You would have been better served by taking your time, finding a new place to live & leaving through the front door after talking to him & telling him that the relationship was over.   The latter shows maturity & that you have made up your mind & formulated a well thought out plan.  

Booking a hotel & hiding by yourself isn't the brightest idea.  You can't live in a hotel forever. What's the real plan here?  You claim that you don't want to worry your parents.  What exactly do you think will happen when he shows up on their doorstep ranting about how you have run away & gone missing.  For somebody who claims to hate drama you have sure stirred up enough of it with this foolish stunt of yours.  

Now he's ditching work & coming to you.  If he's an inexperienced of a driver as you claim, him driving on the highway while upset is dangerous indeed.  However you will see this as some sort of grand gesture & you will go running back.  I do hope he makes it there safely.  I also hope he doesn't get fired.  I suspect he will throw this in your face during your next argument.  

Both of you have a tremendous amount of growing up to do.  Playing house now is not a great plan.  BTW if you are living with his mom to save money for your own house, if you are not socking away the equivalent of the rent every month, you are spinning your wheels & fooling yourselves.  

Edited June 22, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Fletch Lives]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Your decision to leave in this matter by hastily packing, leaving him a note & sneaking out seems rash & a cry for attention.  You would have been better served by taking your time, finding a new place to live & leaving through the front door after talking to him & telling him that the relationship was over.   The latter shows maturity & that you have made up your mind & formulated a well thought out plan.  

I disagree. Leaving hastily in the middle of the night is sometimes the best way to leave your lover. Why drag out the misery? Plus, It can make leaving easier. Of course it's distasteful, but I think that's just the nature of breakups.

There is nothing mature about relationships, love, and breakups - it's just biology.

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Fletch Lives said:

I disagree. Leaving hastily in the middle of the night is sometimes the best way to leave your lover. Why drag out the misery? Plus, It can make leaving easier. Of course it's distasteful, but I think that's just the nature of breakups.

Sorry but IMO sneaking out is more hurtful.  What she did screams "chase me."  When it's over, you tell the person it's over & you walk out the front door like an adult.  Ghosting is bad enough when it's a new interaction but after years & living together it's absolutely the wrong way to go.  For dreadful behavior like this, I'd never forgive somebody, even if there had otherwise been a sliver of chance to save the relationship.   Despite his control issues about her hair & where they live, the OP's BF deserves better than how she's treating him now.  

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Leaving hastily in the middle of the night is sometimes the best way to leave your lover. Why drag out the misery?

Problem is, she didn't leave.  Like when a child runs away from home because they are upset about something.

[ironpony]

I would say it's unusual in my experience, and in my experience, the woman cares about her looks more than the guy does, but that's just been my experience in the past.

[chillii]

Were you happy together apart from the hair thing , were you happy, did you want your forever with him ?

Although you met pretty young then , maybe you can't answer that yourself and fair enough.

[smackie9]

I know you are stuck. But don't get fooled....he's saying everything you would want to hear to lure you out of hiding. That's how abusers continue to have control. Don't meet him, don't hear him out...why? because it's just a ploy. You will fall into his emotional trap. Be strong, keep your phone off, don't go to your parents. Find a friend/coworker or a cousin that he doesn't know, and stay with them out of sight. maybe take some vacation time. Be strong, don't let him hoover you back.

[SumGuy]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Sorry but IMO sneaking out is more hurtful.  What she did screams "chase me."  When it's over, you tell the person it's over & you walk out the front door like an adult.  Ghosting is bad enough when it's a new interaction but after years & living together it's absolutely the wrong way to go.  For dreadful behavior like this, I'd never forgive somebody, even if there had otherwise been a sliver of chance to save the relationship.   Despite his control issues about her hair & where they live, the OP's BF deserves better than how she's treating him now.  

I wouldn't necessarily agree with this.   Sometimes just leaving is the safest thing.  The way he has reacted so far to her leaving screams stalker and control, it is not unusual that violence is not far behind.  How he has acted since she left, vowing to track her down, not going back until she comes with him, him ready to use and bring drama to her parent's door step, leaving work without explanation...these are all signs of a very unstable person who will not be civil  and who cannot be reasoned with. 

No person in an abusive relationship is ever given the advice to leave in front of the abuser, ever.   Abusive people do not take well to that and will try to stop you with words, then threats, and perhaps (often) more.  They are not above taking someone's phone, destroying or taking possessions or things they need (passports, records, wallet) or love....especially when the abuser is in his safe space, his mom's house, where she will almost certainly back him up and cover for him no matter what, and likely even lie for him.

Sure if it was an amiable relationship where there has not been such red flags around control, and his mom had her back 100%, yes in that situation the thing to do is to have a rational conversation and not just slip out or ghost.   This is not that situation here at all, and OP wouldn't be here if it was. 

Like have said before, her sympathy for him should end once the abuse of her begins, and that includes "respecting" him in how she leaves.  Her safety comes first over his feelings.

Edited June 22, 2021 by SumGuy