Is it normal that my bf cares about my look more than I do?

[Tinkido]

I have this going on in my life. Ever since I met my bf, I totally changed. He likes me only one or two hairstyles and insists on me having them all the time. Whenever I try to experiment, he gets frustrated to a point where he becomes rude, telling me I should care more about how I look. I do not wear a make up (and thankfully this is still not an issue), but the hair seems to bother him a lot. I know he loves me because he shows it to me everyday, he always makes sure I am comfortable where I am. He makes sure I eat well, that I don't get cold when outside. He came to meet me with an umbrella when started raining (many times). My point is, he can be very good to me, but when it comes to my hair, I do not feel free to express myself. Don't know what I should do.

Additional issue: we cannot agree on where we shall buy a house. He wants it to be closer to his hometown, and I want it to be somewhere neutral, so we can be more independent. Does anyone else has this kind of issue? And if yes, how do you deal with it?

[chillii]

Well , the hair thing , l do get , drives you a bit crazy if she changes it all the time or every time she's looking really nice she goes and fks it up. But hey that's me and luckily for me in that case right , but my partner likes her hair the same way l love it , basically like a wild woolly sheep really , but it looks so cool haha.

The house thing yeah bit of a toughy. lf you get past the hair then the next things the house. ps, Could just look at houses , where ever they are, you just stumble over one that's just right.

Edited June 20, 2021 by chillii

[basil67]

I don't like the word 'normal' -  I work more on whether or not their behaviour is acceptable to me.    I would accept knowing what his preference is, but I would not accept being insulted if he didn't like how I choose to style it the way I like.  Why?  It's controlling...and I would never accept a guy who insults me about anything.   And this is coming from a woman who wears a pixie cut despite knowing her husband likes long hair.  

With your house choice, what is it about being near his home town which stops you from being independent?  

 

[d0nnivain]

It's your hair.  If he's rude to you when you change your hairstyle that is a problem.  He can express a preference but the rudeness is way out of bounds. 

At this juncture you should not be buying real estate together.  You are only BF/GF.  It's a bad investment.  If he's rude about your hair, demanding that the location be closer to where he is & dismissive of the neutral location you suggest, you are going to be smothered in this relationship.  Your voice is not being heard.  

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he?

This is not about hairstyles and at some level you know this.

This is a huge red flag for controlling behavior.

Read up on warning signs of abusers and relationship red flags.

Makes sure you eat well and don't get cold outside? What exactly is making you in need of food or shelter?

[Tinkido]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he?

This is a huge red flag for controlling behavior.

Became 4 years on 14th of this month. We've been living together since our third month together. He is 26 I am 28.

I guess I knew it deep down, I just needed reassurance - needed to see if I was not exaggerating it. Thank you for your comments.

[Blind-Sided]

I guess it would help to know exactly what you are doing.  If you went from "normal" business woman... to goth/punk rock hair... then yes... you changed who you are.

I generally don't like to see girls with very short hair... and I would be upset if my SO went from long to short hair.  BUT... I wouldn't be rude............. UNLESS (At this point it would be a judgment call)  if she asked me to tell her what I think about the new hair style.  I would be blunt, and truthful. I would say I don't like it.  To me... that's the truth... to her... that would be being hurtful.  So the label you are saying about rude... may be just because you are hearing something you don't want to hear, when you SO is just saying what he feels.

OK... an good example of this was when I first was married.  My now exW made a nice dinner.  She spent a lot of time on it, but I really didn't care for it.  It's not that it was bad, and it's not that she made it wrong.... it simply isn't what I would has asked for. So when she asked me about it... I told her.  No matter how I worded it, and no matter how I delivered the message... she was upset because she didn't hear "This was wonderful, and the best meal I ever had."  The realty is... she built it up in her head how it should have played out... and she didn't get that message.   At this point she was upset and crying.  I told her she made it well, and if I didn't TELL HER THE TRUTH... I would be stuck eating something I didn't like for the next 50 years.

Anyway... it could be the same way with your hair. So, keep that in consideration.

Guys like what they like... and you hearing the truth could be hurtful, even though, that wasn't want he meant it to do.

 

 

Edited June 20, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Tinkido said:

We've been living together since our third month together. He is 26 I am 28.

Just curious why you started living together after dating 12 weeks? Is it your place or his place? Where did you/he live before? Is he controlling in other ways?

[Tinkido]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

I guess it would help to know exactly what you are doing.  If you went from "normal" business woman... to goth/punk rock hair... then yes... you changed who you are.

I generally don't like to see girls with very short hair... and I would be upset if my SO went from long to short hair.  BUT... I wouldn't be rude............. UNLESS (At this point it would be a judgment call)  if she asked me to tell her what I think about the new hair style.  I would be blunt, and truthful. I would say I don't like it.  To me... that's the truth... to her... that would be being hurtful.  So the label you are saying about rude... may be just because you are hearing something you don't want to hear, when you SO is just saying what he feels.

OK... an good example of this was when I first was married.  My now exW made a nice dinner.  She spent a lot of time on it, but I really didn't care for it.  It's not that it was bad, and it's not that she made it wrong.... it simply isn't what I would has asked for. So when she asked me about it... I told her.  No matter how I worded it, and no matter how I delivered the message... she was upset because she didn't hear "This was wonderful, and the best meal I ever had."  The realty is... she built it up in her head how it should have played out... and she didn't get that message.   At this point she was upset and crying.  I told her she made it well, and if I didn't TELL HER THE TRUTH... I would be stuck eating something I didn't like for the next 50 years.

Anyway... it could be the same way with your hair. So, keep that in consideration.

Guys like what they like... and you hearing the truth could be hurtful, even though, that wasn't want he meant it to do.

 

 

I see your point. Thanks a lot. The truth is I never changed my hair drastically - let's say he always wants my hair to be  tied up in a ponytail or straight (generally, my hair is curly), he says that way suits me best. Whenever I let my hair down or decide not to straighten it, he gets really frustrated (uses expressions as: "You look awful", don't want to mention more). Anyhow, I may be the one misunderstanding it. I will keep that in mind.

Edited June 20, 2021 by Tinkido

[Tinkido]

52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just curious why you started living together after dating 12 weeks? Is it your place or his place? Where did you/he live before? Is he controlling in other ways?

Because we were "in love'" and we come from different cities. He needed to finish his studies, therefore I moved to the city he studied and I found a job there. We rented an apartment there. Then we moved a lot - different countries, cities. And now, from one year, we've been living at his mom's house. We both want to live on our own - just that at the beginning he was ok for us searching for a house somewhere between our cities, but then he changed his mind. And now, he refuses to go any further from his hometown. I identify myself as a people pleaser - I agree to anything so there will be peace.

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, Tinkido said:

And now, he refuses to go any further from his hometown. I identify myself as a people pleaser - I agree to anything so there will be peace.

You need to learn to add yourself to the list of people you want to please.   You can't just suppress your own needs to keep the peace.  

Between your hair & where you live, where is your voice in here?  

[Tinkido]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You need to learn to add yourself to the list of people you want to please.   You can't just suppress your own needs to keep the peace.  

Between your hair & where you live, where is your voice in here?  

 I know that, but it's easier said than done for me. But I will try to have my voice heard. Thanks for your words anyway.

[d0nnivain]

Practice.  Speak up on little issues like what you want for dinner or what you watch on TV

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Tinkido said:

Whenever I let my hair down or decide not to straighten it, he gets really frustrated (uses expressions as: "You look awful", don't want to mention more)

Because he says worse things?

I have a feeling you're sanitizing the truth here in an effort to "protect" him. Telling you that you look awful is rude and hurtful. No man has ever said any such thing to me, let alone my own partner. 

If you're being completely honest, is it sometimes worse than what you have shared? 

Edited June 20, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Tinkido]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because he says worse things?

I have a feeling you're sanitizing the truth here in an effort to "protect" him. Telling you that you look awful is rude and hurtful. No man has ever said any such thing to me, let alone my own partner. 

If you're being completely honest, is it sometimes worse than what you have shared? 

indeed, it can be. It all comes and goes. Sometimes he can be very rude and then comes as if nothing has happened. Physically, he does not abuse me. But I cannot cope very effectively with his rude comments. Somehow, whoever I have dated, at the beginning they show no sign of being like this, but after time they all start showing their true colours. I guess I am tired already and want to save this relationship at least, but mentally I feel drained. I am an introvert and I do not like sharing this kind of stuff with my friends, that's why I wrote here. Hoping on clarity. Thank you for your answer

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Tinkido said:

Physically, he does not abuse me

When you're using disclaimers like this, you know the relaitonship is in bad shape. 

As I suspected, this is not really just about your hair. His insults about your hair are the tip of the iceberg here. What is the reason you have tolerated this for so long? 

[d0nnivain]

10 minutes ago, Tinkido said:

 I guess I am tired already and want to save this relationship at least, but mentally I feel drained. 

You can't save it by yourself, if he's the problem. You are drained because what you are doing is fruitless, like trying to hold back the ocean with a teaspoon.  Doesn't work.  

[smackie9]

He sounds like he's a mother hen rather than a partner. Don't misconstrue the difference between caring and controlling. I went through something similar. I thought the jealousy was protection/love. Far from it. When you have no opinion or voice anymore, that's them controlling you. It will get harder and harder to stand up for yourself as time goes on. The verbal abuse/rudeness is how he will push you back and hold you down. Don't let your love cloud your better judgement. This isn't feeling right and you know it...that's why you are here. 

[Tinkido]

28 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

When you're using disclaimers like this, you know the relaitonship is in bad shape. 

As I suspected, this is not really just about your hair. His insults about your hair are the tip of the iceberg here. What is the reason you have tolerated this for so long? 

I guess, I still love him. And also, maybe I am just scared to move on...

[Tinkido]

Thank you all. I guess deep down I knew it, I was just scared to admit it to myself. 

[d0nnivain]

10 minutes ago, Tinkido said:

I guess, I still love him. And also, maybe I am just scared to move on...

That's fine.  When you are ready you will move forward in a healthy way.  But for now you can't move forward by tangling yourself up with him financially & buying a house.  At least use logic not love regarding the financial aspects.  

[Tinkido]

13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

That's fine.  When you are ready you will move forward in a healthy way.  But for now you can't move forward by tangling yourself up with him financially & buying a house.  At least use logic not love regarding the financial aspects.  

I am financially independent. We don't share mutual accounts. Whatever we earn, we keep it in our own bank accounts. I have always liked the fact that I can be financially independent. So, I guess all I need is a courage to do it. 

[Fletch Lives]

Read up on narcist (control freak).

[Boobita]

9 hours ago, Tinkido said:

I have this going on in my life. Ever since I met my bf, I totally changed. He likes me only one or two hairstyles and insists on me having them all the time. Whenever I try to experiment, he gets frustrated to a point where he becomes rude, telling me I should care more about how I look. I do not wear a make up (and thankfully this is still not an issue), but the hair seems to bother him a lot. I know he loves me because he shows it to me everyday, he always makes sure I am comfortable where I am. He makes sure I eat well, that I don't get cold when outside. He came to meet me with an umbrella when started raining (many times). My point is, he can be very good to me, but when it comes to my hair, I do not feel free to express myself. Don't know what I should do.

Additional issue: we cannot agree on where we shall buy a house. He wants it to be closer to his hometown, and I want it to be somewhere neutral, so we can be more independent. Does anyone else has this kind of issue? And if yes, how do you deal with it?

Would you let your Father control you how you look, or what you wear? If not then, why him? What is your reason? Don't become his slave.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Tinkido said:

 we've been living at his mom's house. now, he refuses to go any further from his hometown. 

Is this when the hair issue began? Is there a future here or are you just living together for economic convenience?

Edited June 20, 2021 by Wiseman2