Sould I stay or should I go now???

[jfrogcali]

I was just speaking with my boyfriend tonight and asking him if he sees a future with me. He could not come up with any definite answer. I on the other hand have no doubt that I could spend forever with him. I don’t understand why he is so afraid of commitment. I have no doubt that he loves me and that it would tear him apart if I was not around – we have broken up in the past…and yet some how always end up back together. The trend seems to be that we break up every six months…he just begins to become very distant and then tells me that he needs to focus on his school work and then it is done. I mean, just having me as his girlfriend is a huge step for him. He is very independent and he is always telling me that marrying someone is a great responsibility and that suddenly “His” decisions become “Our” decisions. While on the one hand, I am glad that he understands the magnitude of the decision to get married, I would appreciate a little bit more consistency on his part. I just can’t deal with the heart break of him being afraid of commitment to the point that he keeps breaking up with me. I don’t know what to do, and I am not sure if I am wasting my time or not??? Tonight I told him that I didn’t want to waste my time, and he acted surprised that I would say something like that. And I said well, why should I stick around and become even more attached to you if I am just going to lose you in the end…I asked him if he felt the same way. His response was that he doesn’t know what is going to happen in the future, but he wouldn’t give up one minuet that he gets to spend with me now. AH just so frustrating that he can make long term plans about everything else in his life BUT me! Am I just being impatient, or is all the love that he claims to have for me nothing but smoke and mirrors…because he is happy with me now, but as soon as he graduates from college and excepts one of the out of state jobs that he has been offered, what is going to happen between us…as he is obviously not ready for the next step. Am I wasting my time?

[superd]

Perhaps he does need space to do his school work.

 

On the other hand, he sounds like one of those people that are trying to sell one of those new fangled success video tapes or some funky new aged gadgetry. You know the type. He sounds like one of those people that are ambitious but also a little bit shady. I mean I am no psychic but I just get that feeling. He is out to make some dough. He sounds like one of those one of those people that sees everything as a business, even relationships. Perhaps he thinks he is too good for you and is just using you for the commodity that you provide, namely sex. He really needs someone just like him, a slimey door-to-door salesmen of all kinds of products that you supposedly need to own. A so-called "marketing" person who wants to scam people to become rich by selling them junk or worse yet lies. Even if he goes to school for something else this is what he will end up doing. Anything to avoid responsibility. You said it yourself, he doesn't want the responsibility of marriage. Face it, your too good for him, not the other way around. All you have to do is find someone new who respects you. And have more respect for yourself. Why would you even think of getting back with someone that has dumped you? Did you ever hear of the phrase, "once bitten, twice shy"? Once you get burnt it should be over because of the fact it can happen again.

[happymadison]

Am i wasting my time??? thats just what a guy loves to hear. what it says is " i am so frigging great, and my time is worth so much more than yours, that i just cant wait around." well, what about his time? why is it that women are worried about wasting their time, and not someone else's time??

 

what if he was to ask you if you think that you are wasting his time? maybe he's worried that you may waste his LIFE, not just his time. if you know that this is the guy, then why does time matter to you? what are your true goals? it must not be to find a soulmate, since you feel that you have accomplished this. you act cowardly because you dont want to get hurt...well, you are setting yourself up to get hurt. you are already planning for failure,,and pushing him toward this end. you are just into your self, like most women. why dont you just tell him, "you know what?? i dont give a rats ass how long it takes to finish school, whatever, you're the one, and i will be there. period. end." then see what he says.

 

instead, you are own some sort of BS timetable, worried about "your time", when what you are afraid of is YOU looking like a fool if this thing goes a long time without your intended result. if you commit first, then he will follow. you lead by action and example. he probably is worried about you being able to truly commit, and maybe thats why he's not ready yet.

 

you are aware that he feels that marriage is a big step, and he seems responsible enuf to try to plan for this....in other words, maybe he's thinking with the big head instead of the little one, and wants a solid future before making a committment. or stick with your "timetable", throw away your soulmate, and settle for leftovers so that you can save face if this doesnt suit your exact needs.

 

as for what superd says, how the h.ll he can assume so much from reading your post must make him a psychic. he's out to make some dough...duhhh , you want him to just quit school and marry you now? what about his future and goals? oh, i forgot , its always about her, right. whatever, its crap.

 

but i can tell you froim personnal experience, that when someone asks you whether or not you are wasting "their" time, that is SO SELFISH to me in a relationship, and is a complete deal breaker for me. It makes one feel that they are just being used, and all the previous times together, the gifts, the travel, everything, means nothing. just another way of saying "what have you done for me lately?? " the answer usually is " i guess not enuf" and they dump you. think about it.

[superd]

Take it easy madison. Why should she waste her time with somebody that is afraid to commit and leaves her everytime they get to close (which is what I think is really going on, in other words, he is afraid of intimacy). Everytime he gets too close he ends it so they have to start over from scratch when he comes back. This is fine with him but it is really hurting her. In contradistinction to what you are saying, I think it is he who feels that he is too good for her. Why should she stick with this guy if he is not going to stick with her for the long run. I think your letting your own issues seep into your advice here.

[happymadison]

no, i have no issues with this. it s just this ultimatum of "wasting your time" that chaps me. If she doesnt want to be with him, tell him what it is that she wants, see if he thinks he can meet that one day, and then make a decision. this wasting her time crap just implies that all the past times are absolutely nothing. her time is SOOOO much more important than his, and thats all that matters. Have every one of your past realtionships been a waste of your time, because they didnt turn out like you wanted them too? Is it the one who breaks up because things are not going well the waster of time, or the wastee?

 

time is all that anyone really ever has, if you stop to think of it. every minute that everyone spends on anyone or anything has an opportunity cost that one could look back on and say, what a waste of time. we could always be doing something else, but we chose to spend our time on what we like or believe to be in our best interests. But all time is a learning process, and lessons learned are never a waste.

 

in a relationship, time spent is a learning curve in many ways, and the time table of these curves vary greatly from person to person. i think women in general seem to be in much more of a hurry sometimes--maybe because of this clock they are always worried about , or declining looks , whatever. men have the luxury of a longer timetable when it comes to starting families etc. so she has to decide what her timetable is and compare that to his---is time more of the essence to her, or the end result? varying timetables are couched in psycho pablum like committment phobe, fear of intimacy, etc. but usually all these "commitment phobes" eventually get married, but usually to someone else. I guess they get over this "phobia" when the time is right. maybe he is afraid of dissapointing her if they get married, and wants to make sure that he is stable, etc. maybe he gets this impression of her because she;s high maintenance or demanding, who knows. they do and not us. they have to figure this out, and she has been with him long enuf to do so, if she is really "listening" to him and not just "hearing" him. there is a difference.

 

its all a crap shoot. i wonder how many "soulmates" were passed up because of varying timetables. she has never stated her reasons for being in such a hurry.

some people, like me, dont respond well to ultimatums, especially when the implication is that you are a waste of someone else's time. I do things in my own time, when i'm comfortable, and the more someone tries to "sell" me the more i tend to back off. so if you cant compromise and stay the course until i decide, then you are wasting MY time i guess. maybe thats what her guy is thinking, i dont know. but when i do commit to someone or something, then i am there to the end, even at times to my own deteriment, because i gave my word. so people like me often tread carefully and deliberately before we jump. the more she pushes the more he resists. he is not ready, so she needs to decide whats more important. but this "waste of time" tripe is just that, and to put this particular ultimatum to a person who she says she loves is a complete insult, at least to me. but i bet that if SHE made it clear that she was fully committed to him, in deeds and not just words, and cleared up any red flags between them, then his decision would come much more quickly.

 

damn, just wasted 5 minutes typing this..........................

[jfrogcali]

Thank you both so much for your posts. This is the first time that I have ever posted anything on a sight like this, so I was apprehensive at first…but now I am really glad that I did. I thought that many of the comments were very insightful; particularly the discussion about how someone might interpret me asking if I am wasting my time as being selfish. Before I read your posts, I thought that it was a perfectly ligament question to ask my boyfriend. I guess my logic behind asking, “am I wasting my time,” is just to lay it all out there and say what are your intentions for the future and what exactly do I mean to you and am I special enough for you to consider marrying. While I understand how this could be interpreted as being selfish, I don’t think that I am totally willing to concede to the point that there is no legitimacy to the question. It is not as though my time is more important than his but I feel that by him answering these questions, it will give me an indication as to whether or not my time is being well spent. I know…I can’t really believe that I just said that either, I mean if I truly believed that my boyfriend was my soul mate, then how could I possibly actually be trying to figure out if my time is being well spent depending on if we are going to be together or not in the future!?!?!? I think that the reason that I do it is not because I am questioning if my time is being well spent or not, because in terms of opportunity cost, there are few other things that that I would rather do than spend my time loving him. I think that this is the problem. I NEED to know that he is going to be there and that my love is not in vain. I don’t think that it is about saving face, it is just that it so great being in love with him, that it is not something that I want to lose. I know that I just need to focus more on what we have right now and let the future fall into place, or as he always tells me, “just be patience, it will all work out.” Yet, some days I have more faith than others.

I do not believe in ultimatums, however, sometimes I think that if you know what you want you just have to say, “This is what I want, are you in or are you out.” I don’t think that it is something that should be taken lightly, or something that you should do just in order to get your way. I am nowhere near that point right now. I do want him to have the leeway to make such an important decision in his own time. The last thing that I would want to happen is for him to resent me for pushing him toward something that he doesn’t want. In the end, I want nothing more than for him to be happy even if it turns out that it is not me. He is a good person and deserves the world. If however, it gets to the point that I am not happy because of his lack of indecision or commitment, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with having a discussion with him about my needs v. his needs and if we cannot find a way to agree then at that point I would really not see any point in prolonging the relationship.

[happymadison]

I agree with everythig you said. you are in a circular argument now concerning your life, and there is really no logical answer in this arena. just think about it--if you marry this guy, in 20 years you may be asking yourself the same things--WHAT IF???? what if you would have dumped him, and 2 weeks later met someone else that could have been better? this COULD occur even if you wait a year or 2 longer, and he comes around. this is tough, and you have legitimate questions, and they should be discussed with him in the manner of your last post.

 

isnt that much better than asking him if he's just wasting your time?? its the manner of addressing the issue, rather than the issue itself. your approach, which is the same as a lot of other females i have read on this forum, reeks of the sanctity of their time as compared with others. addressing this issue in such a way initially couches it in an argumentative tone, and potentially leaves a mark on the person on the receiving end. i think you see this point.

 

 

so all you can do is adress your issues as you have written, deal with them in terms of differing goals and not in the light of a "time wasting" ultimatum.

 

and some more free advice, which i do have a little experience on-- if you do have this discussion with him, he does not or CAN not(big difference) come to a compromise that you can live with, then please make your decision and end it, get over it , and then move on and dont look back. life is all about decisions, right and wrong, and you have to suck it up and live with them. dont just keep hanging on, and becoming more distant towards him , mainly keeping him on the line hoping he will come around while fishing for someone better. it will eventually end anyway, and the result will only be bitterness from him toward you for telling him all this soulmate stuff and then not backing it up by deeds. thats a cowardly act that a lot of people practice, and you wont do it if you indeed love him regardless of whether you get together or not.

 

For some people who are slow to commit, the real reason is like i have said before---they know that they will be in it for the long haul when they do jump, but they just want to make damn sure about you. A few years to them is nothing compared to eternity, which is where their vision of their decision will end. you may reach the end of your rope about the time he decides to grab on and climb toward you. But thats the chances you take and the decisions you make. and it usually works out in the end for the best, at least for me. i guess its all in your outlook and perceptions. good luck.