I think I pushed for friends with benefits and now he's just going along with it. or am I deluding myself? Does he actually like me?

[gigi_gigix]

I started my current job a year ago, when I was engaged to my ex. There was a guy there who was friendly/flirty with everyone apart from me (I'm talking the 60 year old receptionist and all the married middle aged women... barely anyone is single). He was very business-like with me, polite but just not forward at all.

Things changed when he found out that me and my ex had broken up (Well, that I had finished the relationship). He almost immediately started "joking" that we should go on a date or he'd say things like I'll be your new boyfriend! I just laughed it off at first. Then he would say things like "I'm gonna start dating again, I haven't dated for a year" and "would you ever date a coworker?"

We started being really playful with each other, playing pranks on each other and doing stupid s*** like holding hands as a joke. I didn't think it was that much, but other coworkers kept commenting what an amazing couple we'd make, to "get a room" or just outright asking if we were dating. There's about 15 coworkers... I'd say 8 said this to me. One of them said within 2 weeks of me starting there "He has a crush on you".

Anyway this went on for a few months and I'd just shrug it off to other coworkers like "no he flirts with everyone, he's bored" etc., and they'd say it was a different type of flirting with me, more intentional and not a joke. Idk there was different types of flirting, but okay.

After a few months he started saying things like "we should do some cultured s*** when lockdown finishes" or kept commenting that social restrictions were lifting soon. One time I was going to his city for a training event and he told me to call into his house for a coffee. Now me being sceptical, I thought this meant sex.. but no. We sat in his room and watched TV together but he didn't make a move.

A week after this we had a works night out and we spent the whole time glued to each other. It honestly felt like a date and that others were just there. I didn't speak to anyone else really, and he didn't either. He told me he only came because I was there. We were holding hands, he was stroking my hair a bit and he followed me whenever I moved across the tables. Our colleagues just told us to hurry up and start dating. I was drunk, but he wasn't (he doesn't drink), so I guess my drunk mind was less inhibited then I should have been - e.g. holding his hand (cringe). He dropped me home and we were chatting the whole way home.

My coworkers kept encouraging me to talk to him and arrange a date, but I felt too shy. He started telling me thing like he's only slept with 6 people in his life, and had one girlfriend. Other coworkers who trained with him said he got a lot of female attention but rejected a lot of girls because he had to "like" them before sleeping with them

After that in work he started saying things like "i guess we'll never hang out again because you're always so busy" and I just ended up saying if you wanna hang out again, just ask!!! Anyway he ended up texting me asking what I'd wana do and if I had any preferences... I said i didnt mind so he booked for us to do this activity and have dinner. Before that I met him at his house and we ended up having sex. I'm pretty sure I initiated it, because I remember lying on his bed and asking him to lie next to me to watch a film and cuddle. After we had sex we were kissing and cuddling and he was stroking my hands and kissing me on the head. He then drove us to the activity and we went for dinner... all good.

That was a few weeks ago now. Since then I've joked to him saying "When's our next netflix and chill then?" So a week after the first time I went round to his to watch films and we had sex. The week after he came to mine for the whole weekend (friday night to monday morning).

Last time we spent time together he said I was "hard to read", that he used to be really intimidated by me (hence he didn't speak to me for months when I first started at work) and that he "couldn't believe I actually gave him a chance" and "I didn't think you'd actually come for that coffee". He said I was "something else", and the most beautiful girl he's been with.

Okay, so that's the background kinda. I've obviously started to catch feelings. It sounds bad but at the beginning I didn't really think things through, like damn it's hard to date a coworker. Anyway, I'm confused about what he actually wants.

On one hand, everyone always says he's a gentleman. And to an extent he really is - paying for all our things (food/drinks/activities), dropping me home from work even when I'm not staying with him, refusing for me to get taxis home after I sleep over at his/refusing to let me pay for food.

He's also started being really complimentary as well (which he wasn't a few weeks ago) saying things like "your eyes are so stunning" or things like "your very beautiful you know" or commenting on how intelligent I am.

He's also started planning things with me that are far in advance. He said to me a couple of weeks ago that we should do a festival that's in November... that seems a bit, pre-emptive? We'd only slept together once. Now he's asked if I want to go holiday with him for a few days in a couple of weeks.

I also think he's expressing some jealousy about my ex-partner. He asks why I have a picture of him on my instagram. Or he'll glance over at my phone to see who I am texting.

But, there's also things he does that suggest he just wants sex?

He constantly mentions other women; either the ones that fancy him ("Emma from Department B definitely fancies me), or jokes about being the "King of Tinder" or just flirts with the women in our department (that's not a new thing though, but I find it weird that he'd do it in front of me).

He never texts me first. I noticed this a few weeks ago. Usually we have a free-flowing conversation that doesn't really stop, but if we're working together it comes to a natural end almost. I'm always the one who starts it back up. I've not done this for a day now, and we've gone a day without contact. If he was interested, surely he would text? He is away at his brothers atm, but a text takes 3 seconds to write.

Things can be tense in work... I can't explain it, but it sometimes feels weird between us. Almost like the other one is annoyed with the other... not all the time, most of the time it's flirty and light and we talk about hanging out or he'll just start saying how much he likes hanging out with me.

There was this one time were he completely flipped out for no reason and gave me the cold shoulder for 2 days. I basically accidently banged his elbow when we were messing around in work. He told me "don't speak to me" when I apologised (in front of colleagues). When I tried to give him a hug he said "who's got the control now?" and ignored my message saying I was sorry. He didn't reply and I next saw him in work 2 days later to which he said "I wasn't really bothered, I just wanted to see how long I could go without speaking to you"

...

So yeah. I'm confused.

I feel weird because it was me who initiated the "netflix and chill" joke... so might he think I just want sex too? But at the same time, why is he not asking me to go on proper dates, but will ask me to go on holiday? He seems so passive, I have no idea what's going on.

Does it sound like FWBs? f*** buddies? More than that? I'm seriously losing my mind.

Any help/advice/insight would help so much

TLD;DR: Slept with coworker and then I kept asking when our next "neflix and chill" was... don't want it to be just sex anymore... can I change it?

[Sun Seeker]

Why not... Talk to him and ask?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. If co-workers are saying. "get a room", it's time to be more professional at work.

Unfortunately he seems like the office wolf . 

If he's the "king of tinder", why is he chasing skirts at work?

He seems sort of creepy. Perhaps this was a rebound for you and now you're seeing more clearly?

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, gigi_gigix said:

There was this one time were he completely flipped out for no reason and gave me the cold shoulder for 2 days. I basically accidently banged his elbow when we were messing around in work. He told me "don't speak to me" when I apologised (in front of colleagues). When I tried to give him a hug he said "who's got the control now?" and ignored my message saying I was sorry. He didn't reply and I next saw him in work 2 days later to which he said "I wasn't really bothered, I just wanted to see how long I could go without speaking to you"

Honestly?

He sounds like a bit of a tool. The above would have turned me right off. 

[gigi_gigix]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Honestly?

He sounds like a bit of a tool. The above would have turned me right off. 

Yeah that was quite recent to be honest... I don't really understand the point of doing that. I don't understand the comment about "having control" either 

[lana-banana]

Talk to him about it, but I would have my guard up if I were you. Somebody playing games and needing to "have control" is not a good choice for a romantic partner.

[gigi_gigix]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. If co-workers are saying. "get a room", it's time to be more professional at work.

Unfortunately he seems like the office wolf . 

If he's the "king of tinder", why is he chasing skirts at work?

He seems sort of creepy. Perhaps this was a rebound for you and now you're seeing more clearly?

I don't know if he even uses Tinder... all the "players" i've known easily get girls without it. All those comments seem designed to make me jealous, but i dont know if im just deluding myself thinking that. 

I think it was a rebound at first, and I defined the terms of it... the "netflix and chill" comment I keep making. But now, I don't really like the idea of FWB... definitely not sleeping with someone who's sleeping around. 

I was just interested in whether or not it seemed he wanted more than FWB

[ExpatInItaly]

54 minutes ago, gigi_gigix said:

Yeah that was quite recent to be honest... I don't really understand the point of doing that. I don't understand the comment about "having control" either 

I personally wouldn't waste much time thinking about it, honestly. 

It's weird behaviour for a grown man. No thanks. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, gigi_gigix said:

I don't really like the idea of FWB..

Ok, tell him it's not working out and end it.