GF has mental health issues and I don't know how to help

[DirectionUncertain]

Hi.  I’m new here. Hope all of you find yourselves well. 
 

I’ve been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years now and it seems to be falling apart.  
 

We had done very well for a long time and have lived together almost from the very start. However, lately, things are getting pretty dire. 
 

My girlfriend is severely depressed, has anxiety, was horrifically abused as a child and young adult. Has wanted to kill herself since age 8.  Her abuse lasted her whole life as she moved out of her childhood home late. She was trapped there a king time. So she’s not even a decade out of the situation that damaged her. She has huge rage fits, screaming (not at me), crying, spends all her time watching TikTok and smoking weed to quiet down the problems in her head. Has been on lots and lots of meds. None have worked. She tried acid out of desperation and got a bit of relief. It helped. She may try ketamine if she can find a good source. But essentially, she’s broken and tired.  
 

She works at our business and can’t work anymore. She’s tired. She has demanded (and received) her own salary while I take none.  Looks like I’m going to have to run the entire business and carry her emotionally at the same time the way things are headed. I just had a serious heart attack with heart failure too 4 weeks ago. I’m working hard to come back from that. And it looks like inconceivable stress is about to come my way.  
 

Im also kind of irritated that she continually files complaints with me about how I act, I work on these things or change, then she just finds more and more and more. That’s been going on for the last year. I had one complaint about her and she went ballistic about it and just turned it around to blame me.  She isn’t accepting me for who I am like I’ve done with her and the part time job I have working on her head and feelings. I accept all of that. But since she can’t even accept me at all, I’m losing patience. 
 

As I write this, she has been in the bathroom for 3 hours screaming and crying and smoking piles of weed.  
 

NOW... It’s not all complaints. I love her. She’s an incredibly warm, sensitive and caring person. She’s honest and loyal. She’s just a super nice person inside which is why I fell for her. But the mental illnesses and constant criticisms are starting to wear thin for me.  She always has to be right, can’t take a single criticism but dishes them out all day long.  
 

I have about 30 years left of life I’m guessing. I can’t even figure out how to spend it. But what I don’t want is to feel awful all the time.  My heart skips a beat when she screams or throws things. I’m not good with violence. Even if it’s not directed at me. I also don’t want to wake up happy and ready to face the day only to find her mood awful and to spend the day worrying about her or worse yet, getting targeted by her.  
 

Ok, more. Triggers. There are dozens of words that set her into rage or depression or whatever. Dozens. I’ve carefully edited them out if my vocabulary but there’s always a new one around the corner waiting for me. 
 

I have no idea what to do.  30 years if I’m lucky.  I want to have a good 30 years. I want to be happy. I feel she’s taking all that away despite bringing so SO much love and caring into the relationship. 
 

Now me. Ive had sexual issues for a while now. Not erectile dysfunction.  Just mental issues where I can’t get turned on. Especially the more in love I am.  I’m a mess with that. It’s cost me other relationships. It’s like a curse.  Has to play a factor here. 

 

Things are bad. No sex forever and it’s made us feel awkward initiating.  All my fault. As of this week, she dropped kissing. We are barely looking at each other and just holding hands a little bit.  
 

I don’t know what to do.  About her.  About my life. It’s so short and I have so many 10 year projects I’d like to do.  I also want to be happy. 
 

Any advice at all?  I’m hurting. 

Edited September 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
change title to reflect merged threads

[d0nnivain]

You have two relationships to severe the business & the romance.  Consult a lawyer because you don't want her suing you for discrimination based on her alleged disability although you may be able to legitimately fire her for having illegal drugs in her system.  

If she is that disabled perhaps she needs to go on disability  

[DirectionUncertain]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You have two relationships to severe the business & the romance.  Consult a lawyer because you don't want her suing you for discrimination based on her alleged disability although you may be able to legitimately fire her for having illegal drugs in her system.  

If she is that disabled perhaps she needs to go on disability  

Thankfully, it’s not like that. We are both nice.  I’d never pull those moves on her and likewise she on me. 
 

I’ll pay for her to get set up in a new place and get her feet on the ground. This is someone I love. She loves me. Our relationship is just failing.  We are both nice people inside and I’d never hurt her. 
 

 

Edited June 19, 2021 by DirectionUncertain

[ShyViolet]

You absolutely need to end this toxic relationship.  Her mental health and well-being are not your responsibility, and you can't help her with it.  You have to do what's best for you.  She doesn't sound like she's mentally stable enough to handle being in a relationship.  

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, DirectionUncertain said:

Thankfully, it’s not like that. We are both nice.  I’d never pull those moves on her and likewise she on me. 

I’ll pay for her to get set up in a new place and get her feet on the ground. This is someone I love. She loves me. Our relationship is just failing.  We are both nice people inside and I’d never hurt her. 

Maybe I'm a cynic but when you break up with her & she's hurt, possibly pi$$ed, you don't know what she's gonna do.  If she wants to hurt you, this would be an awesome way to do it.  Protect yourself.  

[Sun Seeker]

Break up today.

Life is too short to waste it with someone like this.

Plenty of other women out there without all this baggage.

[DirectionUncertain]

Ok, wow.  It seems unanimous.  
 

I’ll have to admit, I was thinking people would say it was my fault and I should do something differently.  
 

May I share one other personal shortcomings with you all?

 

I have some difficulty experiencing life alone.  I had settled on doing just that when she came along. Then I decided to give relationships a go again.  
 

The shortcoming I have is that I’m not able to experience things by myself and derive as much satisfaction or joy from them as experiencing them with another person.  I know. As weird as my intimacy issue.  
 

For example, say you experience some magical sunrise or Paris with perfect weather or something that really touches you. I feel maybe 25% of the excitement and joy of these things if I’m by myself and have no one to share it with. If I have someone with me to share it with and discuss it, I feel significantly more excitement and joy. 
 

For some reason, I find my life meaningless without that other half.  Like nothing matters and I’m just going through the motions. 
 

So, if I’m breaking up, which is probably the right thing to do here, I’m looking at going solo for the last 20-30 years or so. I’ll die alone, go through whatever hardships like the heart attack I just had alone, etc.  Truthfully, I couldn’t have done the heart attack recovery thing without her help. She took care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself. 
 

There are some major downsides to breaking up. I don’t plan to put in the effort to find someone new if I break up, but rather plan to do some projects I have in mind.  By doing this, just because of the way I work,  I’m facing a diminished enjoyment of life’s magic moments going solo, as well as a definite going through it alone situation when it comes to health issues and death itself. 
 

On the other hand, she does ruin a LOT of my days with the negativity and anger stuff.  
 

 

Edited June 20, 2021 by DirectionUncertain

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, DirectionUncertain said:

say you experience some magical sunrise or Paris with perfect weather or something that really touches you. I feel maybe 25% of the excitement and joy of these things if I’m by myself and have no one to share it with. If I have someone with me to share it with and discuss it, I feel significantly more excitement and joy. 

What makes you think you are unique in this? I would wager that more people than not would prefer to share these sorts of experiences with another person rather than alone. This is normal, OP. I don't get why you think it isn't. 

1 hour ago, DirectionUncertain said:

I’m looking at going solo for the last 20-30 years or so. I’ll die alone

Well, no, not unless you continue to practice this self-limiting thinking. Why are you condemning yourself to a lifetime alone? Plenty of people find love again later in life. This sounds more like excuses to avoid breaking up with her, as does the first point I quoted. 

 

2 hours ago, DirectionUncertain said:

she does ruin a LOT of my days with the negativity and anger stuff

And this sounds like poorly-treated and mismanaged mental illness, and someone who directs her abuse on you. 

Look, you know what you need to do. It's not easy, and I get that you are afraid of being alone (most people are, really) but only you can stop yourself from having a better life. If you don't want to leave, that's your prerogative. But know that it is likely never going to get better with this person. 

[d0nnivain]

It's possible to learn to embrace life more as a solo but that is hard.  No matter.  The longer you stay with her the less chance you will find real happiness.  

[Wiseman2]

She most likely needs inpatient detox,rehab and psychiatric care.

You're doing her a disservice by keeping her around.

As far as your low libido/sexual issues,it would be a good idea for you to get an evaluation from a physician.

While your complaints seem to revolve around her drug use and instability, it's you who may need some medical intervention for depression, anxiety and overall physical and mental health.

[DirectionUncertain]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

She most likely needs inpatient detox,rehab and psychiatric care.

You're doing her a disservice by keeping her around.

As far as your low libido/sexual issues,it would be a good idea for you to get an evaluation from a physician.

While your complaints seem to revolve around her drug use and instability, it's you who may need some medical intervention for depression, anxiety and overall physical and mental health.

Not sure if you missed it.  I just had a heart attack of the worst type.  I couldn’t be under more medical evaluation.  I didn’t share more about that, but it was brought on by an environmental stressor.  Similar to the type of thing when a marathon runner or weight lifter has a heart attack from over doing it.  I’m good, medically. I just have this relationship as an issue. 

With respect to the low libido, it’s not low.  It’s low with people I love.  People I’m used to.  It’s fine with those “thrill of the chase” type things where I’m meeting someone new and there is excitement.  I don’t have ED.  I have this mental block for sex with those I’m in love with. Odd. I know.  But it is what it is.  This, yes, I need help with. Otherwise, I’m fine, medically and emotionally. 
 

Note:  she’s already had inpatient care, outpatient care, tons of prescription drugs, etc. The non prescription drugs are actually helping her whereas the prescription ones didn’t. She’s not abusing them.  She’s using them. They quiet down the mental illness to a point where she doesn’t want to die briefly. She was severely abused her whole life. A Muslim household / schooling with bad parenting mixed in and lots of mental manipulation and abuse.  I could detail what happened to her if it’s necessary, but it was well beyond anything you can imagine. I actually have no complaints about her as a person. I’m just not liking how the mental illness that resulted from her abuse is ruining my life. My short life. I don’t have all the time in the world left. I just wan to not be dragged down by all her issues. 

Edited June 20, 2021 by DirectionUncertain

[DirectionUncertain]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What makes you think you are unique in this? I would wager that more people than not would prefer to share these sorts of experiences with another person rather than alone. This is normal, OP. I don't get why you think it isn't. 

Well, no, not unless you continue to practice this self-limiting thinking. Why are you condemning yourself to a lifetime alone? Plenty of people find love again later in life. This sounds more like excuses to avoid breaking up with her, as does the first point I quoted. 

 

And this sounds like poorly-treated and mismanaged mental illness, and someone who directs her abuse on you. 

Look, you know what you need to do. It's not easy, and I get that you are afraid of being alone (most people are, really) but only you can stop yourself from having a better life. If you don't want to leave, that's your prerogative. But know that it is likely never going to get better with this person. 

I’m sorry. I didn’t expand on that self limiting stuff.  Being alone was basically a choice I had made before meeting her and one I was going to make after this is over.  I’m sure I could find another relationship, but I’m not sure I want one. I’ve had plenty in my time. I haven’t really had any I’d consider great.  All good, in some way, but honestly, I don’t know how to pick them. It can’t be “women” or whatever.  It has to be me doing something wrong.  At this point, I have enough experience to see this. I’ve had enough relationships. I don’t choose good ones. So maybe it’s best not to have one.   That’s where the self limiting stuff comes from.  You used the perfect words. SELF limiting. 
 

Thank you for the rest of the post too.  It’s looking pretty unanimous here.  I know what I need to do. 

[DirectionUncertain]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

It's possible to learn to embrace life more as a solo but that is hard.  No matter.  The longer you stay with her the less chance you will find real happiness.  

You’re not wrong.  

[d0nnivain]

The low libido with "someone you love" i.e. your dysfunctional GF is a mental thing.  She's dragging you down.  If she was more vivacious & less under the influence of drugs, you'd probably find her more attractive.  The environment she creates is not healthy for you.  While you may be on the mend physically -- thank heavens -- her presence in your life at this point is a negative factor.   

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, DirectionUncertain said:

I actually have no complaints about her as a person. I’m just not liking how the mental illness that resulted from her abuse is ruining my life.

Ok so the problem is you are not attracted to people you love, you had a cardiac event and now think you only have ~ 20-30 years to live? Are any of these modifiable?

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, DirectionUncertain said:

The shortcoming I have is that I’m not able to experience things by myself and derive as much satisfaction or joy from them as experiencing them with another person.  I know. As weird as my intimacy issue.  

For example, say you experience some magical sunrise or Paris with perfect weather or something that really touches you. I feel maybe 25% of the excitement and joy of these things if I’m by myself and have no one to share it with. If I have someone with me to share it with and discuss it, I feel significantly more excitement and joy. 
 

This is not a reason to stay in this toxic relationship.  You don't stay with someone who is ruining your life just because "I don't want to be alone."  That's a very poor reason to stay with someone.  It is better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship.  And you DON'T know that you won't date again.  It can happen if you open yourself up to it.  You thinking that you'll be alone the rest of your life is distorted thinking.  You don't know what may happen.

[DirectionUncertain]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok so the problem is you are not attracted to people you love, you had a cardiac event and now think you only have ~ 20-30 years to live? Are any of these modifiable?

I DO have around 20-30 years of good life left. That’s just how old I am.  Facing facts.  I want to make these last 20-30 count.  That’s all. Don’t get too hung up on that stuff. It’s just fact based on average lifespans. 
 

Cardiac event is thankfully, mostly behind me now.  I’ve been working very hard to come back from it. 

As for the first one.. I just don’t really know about it. It’s just how I currently am. 
 

 

 

Edited June 20, 2021 by DirectionUncertain

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, DirectionUncertain said:

Cardiac event is thankfully, mostly behind me now.

This is good news. 

Now consider how remaining in such a stress-inducing relationship is not conducive to your healing and well-being. 

[DirectionUncertain]

Hi, 

I have one other thread on here.  Was seeking advice in a relationship with someone who was abused all her life and is basically unemotionally suicidal and has been for most of her life.  
 

We tried to get her an apartment to live in but she can’t handle even a search for one.  Even the first day searching. She wants to die instead.  Now please don’t give me all those platitudes about 911 or the National suicide prevention hotline.  We’ve done that and it doesn’t help AT ALL.  They just refer her into a short stay at a psychiatric place and she comes back the same.  
 

I can’t personally handle the stressful anymore. I just had a heart attack.  I need to free myself from taking on her issues. They are too much for me in addition to my own life’s challenges.  
 

How can I get her a place to live and psychiatric treatment in a way she has enough time off to actually work on her mental health?  
 

She’s at minimum wage retail basically if she’s not working for me, which she has been. She said she can’t work for me anymore because of the stress. So now she’s doing nothing. Zip. Nada.  But wants her own place and all this new stuff.  No roommates.  But the numbers aren’t working out unless she puts in an insane amount of hours per week to pay the rent at minimum wage. Which leaves her no time to work on her head. 
 

So there’s no logical next step.  I’m stuck with her. I need her out because she’s destroying me.  How can I help her land in her feet?   
 

 

[d0nnivain]

You can't.  This is not your responsibility.  Where is her family?  

There are social services agencies out there for people who can't work at all.  She's unfortunately stuck between being able to work but not making enough money on minimum wage to  afford the basics.  It's the worst of all worlds because there is almost no institutional support for people like her.  

Fire her.  On unemployment she may be able to get training or they may be able to point her toward other government resources.   

Has she applied for sec. 8 housing grants?  Look at www.hud.gov 

Reach out to local charities in your area:  churches; Elks' lodges; Easter Seals.  Do an internet search for homelessness prevention groups in your area.    The federal government has a homelessness prevention program though www.hhs.gov    Catholic Charites has programs; you don't have to be Catholic.    Samaritans Purse is another national organization that may be able to point you in the right direction.    

If there are medical records out there that show she can't work, you may want to help her apply on line for Social Security Disability benefits  www.ssa.gov  But that is tough from what you say about her ability to work somewhere doing something.  She has to not be able to work at all to get those.  Try calling that law firm from TV Binder & Binder -- the guy with the hat & see if they can help.  Social Security lawyers only get paid if they win.  Any local attorney who does this kind of work can help her apply if you are not crazy about the "as seen on TV" aspect.   When she applies make sure everybody knows you carried her on your books & that she wasn't producing.  Her lawyers may be able to argue a concept called "sheltered employment" meaning that anybody else would have canned her a long time ago; you carried her to be nice because you love her not because she was doing the job.  2 years after she's approved for SSDI she will be eligible for Medicare.  Until then she should have access to Medicaid & charity care.  

Edited September 2, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Wiseman2]

Homeless shelters may offer social services to get her on her feet. 

Is this the same woman?:

 

[DirectionUncertain]

Her family is, unfortunately, why she is like this. She had tremendous physical and emotional abuse all her life before moving in with me.  Raised in a strict religious household, then abused mentally and physically. 
 

Her parents did this to her and she escaped to me.  She kind of put on an act for the first year she said.  So I wasn’t aware of this starting out. 
 

I just can’t leave someone I’ve been in a 3 year relationship with who did me right, other than her mental health issues, to die in the streets.  
 

I need to figure something out. 
 

thank you for the ideas about the resources.  I’ll try them. 

Edited September 2, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed name of specific religion

[DirectionUncertain]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Homeless shelters may offer social services to get her on her feet. 

Is this the same woman?:

 

The very same.  

[DirectionUncertain]

I’ve made a couple posts about my girlfriend here and I’m still not getting anywhere. 
 

Today, something new happened. 
 

Some security person was banging on our door like an a hole.  After I told him off for doing that, I came back in to find my girlfriend breathing heavily, sweating, pulling at her neck and completely incoherent.  She was saying things like “please!  Stop!”   “Please stop mama”. “I didn’t do anything “.  She was crying and pleading with her attacker, who was choking her obviously.  Coughing to open up her feeling of a closing throat and scared to death.  All I could do was sit close by her side and comfort her while the traumas from her past came roaring alive in to her, what seemed like very real people breaking into her room and strangling her.  
 

she often talks about her brother having almost killed her by strangulation and  her mother not stopping it.  Her brother is the kind of person that hurts and tortures animals.

She had a complete break from reality triggered by an a hole smashing on our door   I got triggered too and told him off.  She had a very different experience of pure terror reliving past attacks as if they were real  

This was yet another wake up call telling me I’m in over my head.  
 

I can’t figure out how to get her help.  She is tormented ever hour of every day by a loop of several traumatic things that happened to her in her childhood. It starts the minute she wakes up and loudly and boldly replays all her trauma, complete with the emotional responses, all day ling until she goes to bed   Then she had night terrors as a rest   
 

She’s exhausted.  She can’t get a moment’s rest.  Her brain is killing her   And on that subject, she has a firm plan to die ASAP.  It’s a plan all laid out and she’s very much looking forward to it to be able to finally rest.  Its because she’s so tired of fighting all this she wants to just turn everything off.  
 

I don’t know what to do!!!  
 

Yes, I know I can’t fix her.  Yes, I know to protect myself. But how can I get her help?? 
 

Housing programs for her are all full and closed down for the time being.  I’m currently paying $340 a month for her weekly therapy sessions which are not helping  She’s tried all the drugs.  The only things that have helped her are weed and acid and a little ketamine helped for a second  

Weed:  I spend more on this than therapy for her   Like $400/mo.  It’s the only thing she can use to quiet down the playback of her trauma as necessary, then not use when she’s having an ok moment  

 

Acid:  did wonders.  She felt good for 3 weeks after each time.  She doesn’t want to do it  odd part is, she never experienced all the stuff most people do. No hallucinations.  No otherworldly experiences   It just worked medicinally on her head for the most part  

Ketamine:  this was an IV.  They gave it to her and she felt good the first session.  It wore off 3 hours later and back to trauma   Then it never worked again for her   
 

I need to get her help and I have no idea how to do it   She’s hanging on right now as a favor to me to help me get through a time of work I need help with   I have about 7 weeks left until she kills herself. She’s already have done it if it wasn’t for me needing her around   
 

I am at my wit’s end.  HELP

What can I do???  

 

[d0nnivain]

Take her to an emergency room if hospitals in your area are not overwhelmed with Covid people.  Call 9-11.  Let the police take her to an ER.  Tell her therapist that she had this episode.  Make sure every doctor knows about the weed, the acid & the ketamine.