hannahl9811 Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 I (F23) have been dating my boyfriend (23) for a year now. We live together and we really don’t fight, but I believe he feels ashamed/embarrassed of me. Over the last year, I’ve only met his parents and his sister. He sees his friends quite frequently (typically once a week). I’ve never met any of them nor has he ever mentioned me meeting them. With restrictions being lifted and all of us being vaccinated, there really is no more excuse as to why I haven’t met them. There have been several gatherings where I know the SO’s of others have been there, and he has straight-up not attended them. We don’t go out really. Occasionally we will go out to dinner but he prefers take-out. I’d really like to go out for a drink sometimes and he’s said he’ll go, but “drinking around me makes him feel ill.” He has a sensitive stomach but I don’t know why he’d say that. We occasionally go on outings to places like the zoo but that is rare. This last point is a little trivial, but it’s hard for me to not have noticed. Before we began dating, he left all of his pictures of him and his ex girlfriend up. Lots of these pictures involved them at events, with his friends, living life. He hates taking pictures with me; we really don’t have any so of course he hasn’t posted any either. The lack of posting isn’t what bothers me necessarily, it’s that it was obvious him and his ex went out and did a ton together and that she knew all his friends and was involved in his life. He’s told me he’s “not much of a going out and doing things” type of guy anymore because he’s grown up. But it really hurts to know that for some reason all of this ended when he started dating me. I’ve told him that I think he’s embarrassed to be with me and he swears that’s not true. I don’t know where to go from here or how to approach the topic with him because he gets so defensive. Also side note: I really do not believe he is cheating on me. I’ve been with a cheater before and the pattern of behavior is obvious. Any input would be great I’m sad to be feeling this way.
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 Why not suggest that you host a gathering of friends at your house? See what he says. Then ask him why he has not introduced you to friends. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 How does he explain keeping you away from his friends? Something is not right here. 3
kendahke Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 1 hour ago, hannahl9811 said: I’d really like to go out for a drink sometimes and he’s said he’ll go, but “drinking around me makes him feel ill.” He has a sensitive stomach but I don’t know why he’d say that. Who said he had to drink? Or even to the point of him being sick? Yeah, I have to agree with your assessment. Did he take you out, etc., when you first met and first started dating? Quote he left all of his pictures of him and his ex girlfriend up. Lots of these pictures involved them at events, with his friends, living life. He hates taking pictures with me; He sounds like he doesn't want her to see anything that lets her know he's with you now. Yes, I know he'll swear that he's over her, but he's doing too much to hide you--and that sounds like someone who doesn't want someone else to find out about you. I'm not getting why taking pictures with you has got him to "hate" intensity, unless it's a "the best defense is a good offense" tactic. Quote I’ve told him that I think he’s embarrassed to be with me and he swears that’s not true. I don’t know where to go from here or how to approach the topic with him because he gets so defensive. Where you go from here is either you accept you have a boyfriend who doesn't want anyone in his circle of friends or family to know about you and be happy, quiet and content with him or you bounce out of there and find a guy who doesn't go to these lengths to gaslight you over his not wanting anyone to know about you. I mean, my god, boy, it's falling out in experience at everyone's feet here. Quote Also side note: I really do not believe he is cheating on me. I’ve been with a cheater before and the pattern of behavior is obvious. Cheater's patterns are never "one size fits all". There is someone in his life that he doesn't want to find out that you and he are a couple. He doesn't want to take you around his friends and family. Either his family dislikes you and doesn't want you around and he's keeping that from you; or there's someone else who's ahead of you on his priority list. You need to find out who the obstacle is. 1
Calmandfocused Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 This is not good and I’ll tell you why: He’s compartmentalising you. Keep you in a peripheral area of his life. What this means is you have a position and a function but you do not encapsulate every area of his life. He’s happy to keep you in that position. What you need to decide is if that position is good enough for you. I’ve had first hand experience of this. I was “hid” from all his family and friends. I knew the reasons (cultural reasons) but in the end (after much upset and him failing to keep his promises to integrate me in his life) I decided I was better than that and dumped him. In your case I don’t think it’s embarrassment. I think he doesn’t care enough. I’m sorry. 4
basil67 Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 @hannahl9811 I'm surprised you've put up with this for so long. My question isn't so much about what he's doing, but more about why you've stayed. You could do so much better than this. 4 2
stillafool Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 OP has he met your friends and does he go out with you around them? 1
smackie9 Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 I'm going to tell you this right now... Breakup. You are not his GF, just a FWB. He has no interest in having you as a part of his life. You obviously have no self esteem. The majority of people would have ended it within the first month. Sorry but this is not a relationship. Leave just leave. 1
Author hannahl9811 Posted June 19, 2021 Author Posted June 19, 2021 57 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: How does he explain keeping you away from his friends? Something is not right here. Honestly... he doesn’t even talk about it. When we began dating the pandemic was in full swing so I never even suggested anything. Now a lot of his friends are moving to our city so the opportunity is perfect but he doesn’t even mention it. I’ve expressed that I feel lonely and would like to be more social. And he doesn’t have much advice for me/never suggests getting together with his friends and their girlfriends.
kendahke Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, hannahl9811 said: I’ve expressed that I feel lonely and would like to be more social. And he doesn’t have much advice for me/never suggests getting together with his friends and their girlfriends. It's time for you to figure out something you'd like to do and find out if your city has a meet up for your interest and go make friends that way. He doesn't need to be your social secretary--you have agency in this, too, you know. Get your own circle of friends whose loyalty is with you first. His friends' loyalty is with him, not you. Edited June 19, 2021 by kendahke 2
ShyViolet Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 I don't think there's enough evidence to conclude that he's embarrassed of you, but he is certainly being incredibly inconsiderate, rude, uncaring towards you and a bad boyfriend. There is something weird going on here, it's as if he's hiding you and doesn't want anyone else in his life to know about you. The bottom line is, why on earth are you putting up with this? You would have to have pretty low self-esteem to stay with someone who doesn't want to tell anyone else in his life about you or let you meet them, and who doesn't want to go places with you. This sounds like an absolutely joyless relationship. Seriously, break up. 6
Lotsgoingon Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 Never stay in a relationship if you have event a micron of a hint of the other person being embarrassed at us. Never. Get out. 1
BaileyB Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 I was about to say that he was just more of an introvert until you mentioned his ex. Does he come around to visit with your family and friends? Is it only his family and friends that he wants to avoid? Something doesn’t add up here. I’m not sure that the previous relationship is so trivial. I doubt that the reason why he doesn’t want to introduce you to his friends and having you attend social gatherings s because he’s embarrassed by you. I would try not to take it personally. If it is related to his ex, I would end this relationship. You want to be dating a man who wants to be with you and wants to live life with you. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 OP, if he's not embarrassed by you, then he might be having an affair of some kind. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 20, 2021 Posted June 20, 2021 (edited) 11 hours ago, hannahl9811 said: Honestly... he doesn’t even talk about it. And you have never asked? It sounds like you're so fearful of rocking the boat that you tiptoe around the real issue. You're telling him that you're lonely rather than being direct and asking him why you have never met any of his friends and why he does not go out with you in public very much. Why is that? Are you worried about what you might hear? Edited June 20, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 6
Wiseman2 Posted June 20, 2021 Posted June 20, 2021 It may be time to reflect on whether this is the type of relationship and treatment you want in your life. He seems strange and incompatible with you. You seem unhappy and it's understandable. 1
MsJayne Posted June 20, 2021 Posted June 20, 2021 He's hiding you from his ex. I wonder if she left because he's a selfish, manipulative bore. 1
balletomane Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 My ex did this to me. It turned out he cheated on me with at least two women. He was passing himself off as single to everybody, and I kept making all sorts of excuses for him. There has been a lot of therapy since then, and now I'm in a happy relationship with a man who was proud to introduce me to his friends and family. Maybe you could benefit from some therapy too, as your self-esteem has to be really low for you to tolerate behaviour like that. You deserve so much better. 3
HiCrunchy Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 For me, I don't wanna introduce a partner to my family unless we have been dating for a long time/are serious. Like at least 3 years. Im not breaking my mom's heart nah.... As for friends, yeah they should know you exist....that's a red flag in my opinion.
BeanCounter Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 I'm so sorry you're going trough this, especially given that you live together...That's a big issue. I would try to force the issue a few more times, but I would definitely be worried if they were hanging out with friends and not wanting to include you after dating for a full year and living together. Family is one thing, it can be really tricky for people, but the friends... That's odd. I would also be very worried that is basically downplaying your concern when you voice that you're lonely and want to be involved when he goes out with friends. It just doesn't sound like he cares at all about how you are feeling, or attempting to make you feel better and fix things when you bring something up You're worth more than what he is giving you. 3
babybrowns Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, BeanCounter said: I would also be very worried that is basically downplaying your concern when you voice that you're lonely and want to be involved when he goes out with friends. It just doesn't sound like he cares at all about how you are feeling, or attempting to make you feel better and fix things when you bring something up ^^ THIS Seriously what happiness is this “relationship” bringing you? Do you feel happier when you’re on your own than when you’re with him? Think about that Edited June 21, 2021 by babybrowns
Crazelnut Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 There are 2 different things I'd like to comment on. First, you need to get your own life off the back burner. Why are you expecting your BF to provide your social outlets? Make your own friends; develop your own interests; engage in your own hobbies. Don't rely on another person to cure your loneliness. Bringing you wives/girlfriends to hang out with isn't his job. The second thing is what you asked about. I agree others here -- he is definitely hiding your existence. If you want to confirm this, insist on meeting a friend of his and see how he reacts. 2 1
Trail Blazer Posted June 23, 2021 Posted June 23, 2021 There's not enough information to conclude the why but there's certainly enough evidence to conclude the what. That is, he's definitely hiding you from his friends/family, but the reason may not be because he's embarassed. I'm not really sure if the reason matters beyond that? Of course you'd like to know why, however his behavior suggests that he sees you as someone for a good time not a long time. 1
spiderowl Posted June 24, 2021 Posted June 24, 2021 Did his ex leave him or was it the other way round? If the former, then I suspect he is hiding you from his ex. I can understand someone getting less sociable as they get older and settle down - it's natural to like quiet time at home with a partner after work - but it seems to be more than that. He has erased you from the rest of his life. This is bizarre, considering you are living together. I could sort of understand it if you were in a casual FWB relationship and not living together but living together usually implies more commitment.
Recommended Posts