BeanCounter Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 How long do you usually wait? I've been dating a girl for about a month now and things have been going well. She's asked me if I'm talking to any other women on dating apps, and I said no and told her I'd delete my apps. She said she is also not talking to anyone else currently and doesn't use her apps anymore. I feel like at this point we are essentially exclusive, but I also feel like a month is probably not a very long time to ask her to be my actual "girlfriend." What's the amount of time you usually wait before taking that step?
Wiseman2 Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 8 minutes ago, BeanCounter said: I feel like at this point we are essentially exclusive, but I also feel like a month is probably not a very long time to ask her to be my actual "girlfriend." Skip the official labels. Once you get physical mention being exclusive, as you have. Not sure why this is considered some big step. If you are having sex why can't she be your GF? If it's important to her and you like her, what's the big deal? It's not as if you're getting engaged, it simply indicates that you two are with each other as a couple. If at some point you don't want a GF, you breakup, it's that simple. You can breakup just as easily with or without an arbitrary label. 2
Author BeanCounter Posted June 18, 2021 Author Posted June 18, 2021 I think there is something to official labels...The difference between dating someone and someone being my girlfriend. If I'm dating someone, they probably aren't going to meet my family and friends and vice versa. If someone is my girlfriend, I think the expectation comes that those things are eventually going to happen. 1
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 I don't date passed 4-5 dates without establising exclusivity because that's about when we start being intimate. There is nothing scary about being exclusive. Being exclusive does not prevent you from breaking up if at some point you are no longer happy with the relationship. 2
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 Also it's not because you are exclusive that you have to introduce her to your mom right away. My ex and I established exclusivity on 5th date and it took 4 months for me to introduce him to my family. The normal steps of dating continue to apply.
Author BeanCounter Posted June 18, 2021 Author Posted June 18, 2021 Just now, Gaeta said: Also it's not because you are exclusive that you have to introduce her to your mom right away. My ex and I established exclusivity on 5th date and it took 4 months for me to introduce him to my family. The normal steps of dating continue to apply. I'm not in a rush to introduce her to my family, that's a big step. But maybe I'm weird in that I think there is a step between exclusivity, which we have both already agreed on, and the serious relationship and referring to her when talking with others as my "girlfriend." We have established exclusivity, but when I talk about her to friends and family, she is still "a girl I'm dating" and not "my girlfriend." Maybe after a certain point in time that's just assumed?
poppyfields Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) Hey BeanCounter, my thoughts these days are people are going to do what they want to do, regardless of any sort of “exclusivity agreement.” Sad truth. It doesn’t work! The amount of lying, cheating and other BS that goes on in today’s dating environment is deplorable. Read these threads, it’s become very clear that something is terribly wrong with how people conduct their relationships these days. So why not keep it open? Or rather not discuss at all and allow your relationship to take its natural course? Not that you’re gonna go out and have sex with every tom, dick or harry or for him any woman wearing a skirt, but the mental freedom in knowing you can, that you are not being restricted, allows for true intimacy and romance from the HEART to develop which is how it’s supposed to be, imo. Versus feeling “obligated” due to some arbitrary agreement which causes some people to feel boxed in and restricted, which hinders true emotional intimacy from developing and may be why they feel the need to step out in the first place! I dunno, I know most won’t agree, which is fine and to be expected, but these are my thoughts these days, worth considering. Good luck! Edited June 18, 2021 by poppyfields
Wiseman2 Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 25 minutes ago, BeanCounter said: I'm not in a rush to introduce her to my family, that's a big step. So don't. It's that simple. But why worry about titles at this point? If you're not that sure about her yet, go with the flow. Never heard of the 'now that we're GF/BF must meet parents' rule. Try to relax and not feel so pressured. Edited June 18, 2021 by Wiseman2
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 27 minutes ago, BeanCounter said: We have established exclusivity, but when I talk about her to friends and family, she is still "a girl I'm dating" and not "my girlfriend." Maybe after a certain point in time that's just assumed? What is the difference? Your level of commitment will grow with time as you grow trust. If you call her your girlfriend at 2 months dating it won't mean the same as after 1 year. It's logic. Being girlfriend/boyfriend can be light, fun, breezy. Who says you have to wear a necklace with each other's blood in it as soon as you are gf/bf? 4
glows Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 31 minutes ago, BeanCounter said: But maybe I'm weird in that I think there is a step between exclusivity, which we have both already agreed on, and the serious relationship and referring to her when talking with others as my "girlfriend." We have established exclusivity, but when I talk about her to friends and family, she is still "a girl I'm dating" and not "my girlfriend." Maybe after a certain point in time that's just assumed? Well after having been a wife, girlfriend is mild so I wouldn't place much importance on that word. If it's exclusive and you both are on the same page or treat each other well, that's all that matters. Don't overthink this. Enjoy your time together - that's what counts.
lana-banana Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 2 hours ago, BeanCounter said: I'm not in a rush to introduce her to my family, that's a big step. But maybe I'm weird in that I think there is a step between exclusivity, which we have both already agreed on, and the serious relationship and referring to her when talking with others as my "girlfriend." We have established exclusivity, but when I talk about her to friends and family, she is still "a girl I'm dating" and not "my girlfriend." Maybe after a certain point in time that's just assumed? Yes, I think that's fine. I was "exclusive" with my husband as soon as we started sleeping together (about 1 month) and it was 4-5 months before we were boyfriend-girlfriend. Whatever works for you both is OK. 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 3 hours ago, BeanCounter said: I think there is something to official labels...The difference between dating someone and someone being my girlfriend. If I'm dating someone, they probably aren't going to meet my family and friends and vice versa. If someone is my girlfriend, I think the expectation comes that those things are eventually going to happen. No.... just dating...not involved in each other’s lives being a couple....you would introduce them into your lives. You meet each other’s friends as needed. being s serious relationship point is when you start to introduce them to family. This point is when you can have arguments and Frye relationship isn’t over.
Lotsgoingon Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 I think there is a huge difference between assuming you're exclusive (deleting apps) and saying you're exclusive. Huge! You say it when you feel you're ready to say it. 1
Fletch Lives Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 It takes two months to become a couple. Why? Because that's the time it takes to fall in love. Wait six months to introduce friends and family.
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 6 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: It takes two months to become a couple. Why? Because that's the time it takes to fall in love. As per study it takes men 88 days and women 134 days to fall in love.
Fletch Lives Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 27 minutes ago, Gaeta said: As per study it takes men 88 days and women 134 days to fall in love. That study is wrong. 2
Blind-Sided Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 Wow... there is a lot of negativity here !!! 13 hours ago, poppyfields said: my thoughts these days are people are going to do what they want to do, regardless of any sort of “exclusivity agreement.” Sad truth. It doesn’t work! The amount of lying, cheating and other BS that goes on in today’s dating environment is deplorable. Read these threads, it’s become very clear that something is terribly wrong with how people conduct their relationships these days. "These days"?? What... you think that lies and cheating is a new problem? People have been lying to each other since people walked the earth. And cheating has been going on for the same amount of time. And as proof... regardless if you are religious or not... they talk about both of those things in the bible, Torah, Quran, and other ancient books. But I'm sorry that you are obviously in the middle of something bad to feel that way. OP... as others have said... don't worry about the label, and time lines. Every relationship is different. If you like each other, and you are both on the same page on dropping the apps... then just tell her that you want to be exclusive.
Sun Seeker Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 From experience women love it when you ask them will they be your girlfriend. Add in a bit of romance when you do and they will be swept off their feet and feel extra special. No set time frame, whenever it feels right. My current girlfriend I asked after 2 weeks. Previous after 2 months. Previous to that after 1 month. 2
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 8 minutes ago, Punterxx said: From experience women love it when you ask them will they be your girlfriend. Add in a bit of romance when you do and they will be swept off their feet and feel extra special. If you establish exclusivity then hang back too long before you make her your gf, some women will lose interest or dump you, as she will think you see her as ok to sleep with, but you are not proud enough of her to call her your gf... 1
Calmandfocused Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 Admittedly these sort of threads baffle me. It all sounds soooo overcomplicated. My strategy is simple: you’re either with me exclusively or you’re not with me at all. That’s it! Call it what you want “bf:gf, a couple whatever”. All said and done, the label doesn’t matter. As I’ve said before I’ve never asked a man to be my boyfriend or vice versa .. it just happened organically. Chill op. She’s your girlfriend irrespective of what label you want to spin on it. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 IMO exclusivity & being BF/GF are the same thing. You believe they are different so to you they are. Also to me, passed high school, the Q, "will you be my GF/BF?" is silly & borderline childish so therefore unnecessary. The titles arise more causally & get attached during an introduction. 1
Calmandfocused Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 Just now, d0nnivain said: IMO exclusivity & being BF/GF are the same thing. You believe they are different so to you they are. Also to me, passed high school, the Q, "will you be my GF/BF?" is silly & borderline childish so therefore unnecessary. The titles arise more causally & get attached during an introduction. Agree. When I see couples of reality tv making a big song and dance about the “will you be my gf” question I cringe with embarrassment. Really? What’s the big freaking deal here about the label of bf/gf? I just don’t get it. Seems very odd to me. The only time I’ve had the “Will you” question is when I’ve received marriage proposals, not when it comes to being in a relationship itself. 1
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 14 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Also to me, passed high school, the Q, "will you be my GF/BF?" is silly & borderline childish so therefore unnecessary. I have a vivid memory of a shy 45 year old man completely smitten with me who asked me to be his gf on our 3rd date, it made my heart skip a beat it was so darn romantic! and I hurried to say YES. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 @Gaeta your anecdote above may be the exception that proves the rule but generally it's cringe worthy & should be avoided.
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: but generally it's cringe worthy & should be avoided. I don't understand why. He wanted exclusivity. That was in August and I introduced him to my family in December. We had 2 dates a week. Nothing was rushed.
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