What are your thoughts on giving/receiving hints in dating?

[HotRevolver93]

Throughout my life I used to believe I was getting “hints” from women indicating interest in me and every time I would act on it I would get burned. She was simply being nice. It’s really weird because I would hang out with certain friends and I would watch women give them the same “hints” I thought I was getting but the difference is the girls actually went home with them lol. I kinda gave up at that point and just accepted to solo life.

So generally speaking do you think men or people in general are good at picking up hints? What hints do you usually give to someone to indicate you like them?

Edited June 18, 2021 by HotRevolver93

[cleverusername]

I suck at it. I have to either have them be explicit about it or it has to be in a context that I will never see them again, so I can risk just going for it and a miscommunication. And I'm pretty good with women. 

[Gaeta]

A few times my kindness was misinterpreted for romantic interest. I think men in general are not good at reading hints.

Nice and kind: l smile and chat, laugh.

Flirty: l smile, eye contact,  l will run my fingers in my hair, there will be some type of lip bitting, parts of my body will lean toward him, hips or boobs, Women all do that it's unconscious.

See the difference.

[chillii]

You say it's unconscious yet reel it all off in great detail , but yeah a lot of time it is unconscious with many women and then they wonder how he knows ahhh, you were kinda obvious . Funny that  .

But op , women also do do this crap just to test themselves or something , or they just like the look of you, they do it all the time, married, bf's. lf l had a dollar for every let me tell ya. Every day out anywhere, but a lot of the time that's all it is. l don't play those games with women , l got sick of the bs longgggg ago. You've probably struck a long line of those where as your friends struck the real ones.

But yeah , if your really interested in someone , forget that bs , talk feel it out and if you like her just ask , she says no or she says yes. Guarantee you'll have better luck,

Edited June 18, 2021 by chillii

[basil67]

I think that there is too much focus on the reading of body language.  If I had a dollar for each time a guy came here citing "she pointed her knees towards me, played with her hair, touched me when she spoke and sustained eye contact" as interest on her part, I'd be a rich woman.   While body language may be a sign, it's not 100%.   A clearer sign that she's into you is if she sits in your lap or plays tonsil hockey with you.

Picking up someone at a venue is hit and miss.  Sometimes it works, most of the time it won't.  But please don't look at a 'no' as being burned. Rather, look at it as 'at least I gave it a shot'

 

 

[HotRevolver93]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I think that there is too much focus on the reading of body language.  If I had a dollar for each time a guy came here citing "she pointed her knees towards me, played with her hair, touched me when she spoke and sustained eye contact" as interest on her part, I'd be a rich woman.   While body language may be a sign, it's not 100%.   A clearer sign that she's into you is if she sits in your lap or plays tonsil hockey with you.

Picking up someone at a venue is hit and miss.  Sometimes it works, most of the time it won't.  But please don't look at a 'no' as being burned. Rather, look at it as 'at least I gave it a shot'

 

 

Burned as It didn’t work and I got embarrassed 

[basil67]

Picking up strangers is not for the faint of heart.  I bet your mates have also had knockbacks.   There are guys here who talk of being able to pick up girls, but also talk about rolling with the punches.  @Happy Lemming comes to mind.

Edited June 18, 2021 by basil67

[elaine567]

Women are all different and some are pretty good at sending out hints and signals and others not so good.
Often very flirty, extrovert, very social types or people whose job it is to sell or charm for a living can be excellent at flirting but may not be attracted at all.
The problem with being a novice, is that these very flirty types are just soooo obvious it is hard to miss, but as soon as you make a move, they shut you down, as attracting you was never their intention. They are just generally charming and flirty.

If a girl is milking the room and has not made a bee line for you then avoid.
Look for more subtle hints and indications that YOU specifically are her prime target.

BTW playing with hair or biting lips can be just mannerisms some women have developed... they may mean a lot, they may be meaningless.
Look at the bigger picture.

Also a women may be very interested, enough to send out huge hints, but the minute you open your mouth, or make a move, she may be turned off.
Humour and banter can be good but overdone to the point of crassness or cringe-worthiness, it is a disaster, as is  being awkward  or tongue tied, if you do not come across as endearing. and sweet.
Practice is what is needed to suss out what does and doesn't work until you get it right. 
Dating is not akin to facing the Taliban, giving up should never be an option.

[Blind-Sided]

It honestly has nothing to do with being a man or a woman.  Some people are good a flirting, and some are not.  Some people are flirty just in their mannerisms.  Then, on the other side of the coin.... some people are good at picking up on hints... some are not.  And some will look for meaning in normal human gestures when there isn't anything there.   In this place... we see it all the time......

1) We see........ "I've given him every hint, short of lifting my skirt, and he still doesn't take the hint"   OK.... is the guy bad at taking the hint??   No, not necessarily.  May be he isn't into her.  Maybe he isn't attracted to her.  Maybe she is actually putting out a "Desperate" vibe, and it's not sexy at all.  Maybe he's had a bad day, and dating is the last thing on his mind. This can be turned to either sex... and we see stories of it here constantly. 

2) We see...... "This girl who lives in the apartment close to me has talked to me several times.  I should ask her out."  OK.... is she flirting?  Who knows until the other person askes her out.  But there is a HIGH probability that she is just being neighborly. Who wants to live somewhere where people dont communicate with each other?  This is the case where someone is looking for meaning where there probably isn't any.

Anyway... the question is loaded... and there really isn't an answer.  

[HotRevolver93]

9 hours ago, cleverusername said:

I suck at it. I have to either have them be explicit about it or it has to be in a context that I will never see them again, so I can risk just going for it and a miscommunication. And I'm pretty good with women. 

So they have to be blatantly obvious  about it?

[HotRevolver93]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Women are all different and some are pretty good at sending out hints and signals and others not so good.
Often very flirty, extrovert, very social types or people whose job it is to sell or charm for a living can be excellent at flirting but may not be attracted at all.
The problem with being a novice, is that these very flirty types are just soooo obvious it is hard to miss, but as soon as you make a move, they shut you down, as attracting you was never their intention. They are just generally charming and flirty.

If a girl is milking the room and has not made a bee line for you then avoid.
Look for more subtle hints and indications that YOU specifically are her prime target.

BTW playing with hair or biting lips can be just mannerisms some women have developed... they may mean a lot, they may be meaningless.
Look at the bigger picture.

Also a women may be very interested, enough to send out huge hints, but the minute you open your mouth, or make a move, she may be turned off.
Humour and banter can be good but overdone to the point of crassness or cringe-worthiness, it is a disaster, as is  being awkward  or tongue tied, if you do not come across as endearing. and sweet.
Practice is what is needed to suss out what does and doesn't work until you get it right. 
Dating is not akin to facing the Taliban, giving up should never be an option.

Do you have the same philosophy  in regards to giving up with other things in life or just dating?  I’m curious 

[HotRevolver93]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

I think that there is too much focus on the reading of body language.  If I had a dollar for each time a guy came here citing "she pointed her knees towards me, played with her hair, touched me when she spoke and sustained eye contact" as interest on her part, I'd be a rich woman.   While body language may be a sign, it's not 100%.   A clearer sign that she's into you is if she sits in your lap or plays tonsil hockey with you.

Picking up someone at a venue is hit and miss.  Sometimes it works, most of the time it won't.  But please don't look at a 'no' as being burned. Rather, look at it as 'at least I gave it a shot'

 

 

If the sign is she has to sit on my lap or make out with me than it’s fair to say I’ve never gotten a hint lol. It figures 

[HotRevolver93]

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

A few times my kindness was misinterpreted for romantic interest. I think men in general are not good at reading hints.

Nice and kind: l smile and chat, laugh.

Flirty: l smile, eye contact,  l will run my fingers in my hair, there will be some type of lip bitting, parts of my body will lean toward him, hips or boobs, Women all do that it's unconscious.

See the difference.

Ok so I think it’s fair to say I’ve never gotten the flirty hints because none of that has ever happened to me

[d0nnivain]

@HotRevolver93  Since you have shared that you have never been on the receiving end of what @Gaeta described as real flirting, interest, plus because you feel as you have been burned / embarrassed in the past because what you thought was flirting, wasn't,  I suspect you are bad at reading people & picking up on body language.  It's an imprecise art at best but generally true flirting with intent is far more than eye contact, laughter & kindness.  Unless you become better at it, stick to the verbal cues or wait for overt flirting which will involve some physical touch.  It can be tough but let me tell you 2 stories. 

In my late 20s I had a good guy buddy I knew from work.  He was too young for me but he was a great catch:  tall, handsome, smart, athletic with a good job.  He lamented all the time he couldn't get a GF because women didn't notice him.  I found that hard to believe given how handsome he was.  So I decided to play wing-woman & we went out to a bar / night club one summer night. Before we got from the entrance to the bar I spotted at least 5 women would looked like they wanted to kill me & step over my body before it was cold to get to him.  At that moment I realized he was clueless.  We told people we were brother & sister. I introduced him to dozens of women.  I think he left that bar with about 10 phone #s & he took one girl out for a moonlight stroll / make out session that night.   

Second story involves me.  I was at an early evening singles event.  I thought I was brazenly flirting with some guy.  Laughing, eye contact, standing too close, touching his arm, licking my lips, batting my eyes, tossing my hair.  At one point while we were sitting I even crossed my legs in his direction & dangled my high heel shoe off my toes.   I felt a bit like a harlot because it was all very overt, just short of grinding on the guy on a dance floor (it was too early in the evening for that & there was no music).  Anyway, we had been talking.  The guy was actually in the market for a professional service I provide so we did talk shop.  When I was leaving I handed him my business card & told him I'd be happy to help with his business problem but I'd be happier if he called me for personal reasons.  He did call but on the date he confessed that if I had not said that he would not have called because he didn't think I was interested.  I was floored.  Remember I thought I was being soooo obvious to the point of being undignified yet he didn't pick up any of my signals.  It was only my words that gave him the courage to ask me out.  

My advice find a good female friend to clue you in.  

[elaine567]

You have also to be able to recognise and be receptive to hints, even subtle ones.
If she is working hard "fluttering her eyelids" to some guy with no response, then she is going to move on to the next guy.
Women are usually not going to do all the work and lead a clueless guy by the hand.
Unless she is very attracted or desperate, she is just going to next him.

[Donnas]

Specially as adults is best you speak up.instead of hints.

And best is for you to aprouch only if you like her, instead of get to everyone you think likes you

[cleverusername]

50 minutes ago, HotRevolver93 said:

So they have to be blatantly obvious  about it?

Kinda, yeah. Normally my "flirting" is just me not being an a-hole and just being a genuine person. Normally I can't tell by first interaction whether people are being friendly or flirty so I just stay consistent until I see the woman demonstrate obvious interest. I say women, because depending on your age, most women under the age of 25 aren't confident enough to do this yet.

But they will make it explicitly clear they are interested through direct communication, either asking me on a date, hinting at it, inviting me to their place, or so on. At that point I can either make my move or walk away. I''ve never had a problem with this. Women aren't stupid, if they are interested in you they will make it clear, whether you're as clueless as a rock or not.

[Lotsgoingon]

You can't 100 percent know if someone is flirting with you--and you don't need to know!

A safe way to go is to just match the energy of what you think MIGHT be a flirt. Someone smiles at you (you think). Smile back. Or walk towards them and say hello. Boom. You're in the arena. Then you see what the energy is like. Forget about asking them out. Just say hello and smile or introduce yourself. And just engage. If there's attraction typically the conversation will have some fun energy to it. 

You don't respond to flirting by assuming you want to ask someone out or that someone wants you to ask them out.

No, go take a small step. Leave the quick pickups to people to have that skill.

 

 

 

 

 

[HotRevolver93]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

You have also to be able to recognise and be receptive to hints, even subtle ones.
If she is working hard "fluttering her eyelids" to some guy with no response, then she is going to move on to the next guy.
Women are usually not going to do all the work and lead a clueless guy by the hand.
Unless she is very attracted or desperate, she is just going to next him.

What if I’m not getting those hints? Why do you think that’s so hard to believe

[HotRevolver93]

54 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Kinda, yeah. Normally my "flirting" is just me not being an a-hole and just being a genuine person. Normally I can't tell by first interaction whether people are being friendly or flirty so I just stay consistent until I see the woman demonstrate obvious interest. I say women, because depending on your age, most women under the age of 25 aren't confident enough to do this yet.

But they will make it explicitly clear they are interested through direct communication, either asking me on a date, hinting at it, inviting me to their place, or so on. At that point I can either make my move or walk away. I''ve never had a problem with this. Women aren't stupid, if they are interested in you they will make it clear, whether you're as clueless as a rock or not.

That’s interesting. I’ve never really had a woman be blatant with me like asking me out or inviting me to her place lol.  I’ve seen it with male friends or family members in social settings but not me. 
 

I agree on women making it clear. 

[SumGuy]

12 hours ago, HotRevolver93 said:

...So generally speaking do you think men or people in general are good at picking up hints? What hints do you usually give to someone to indicate you like them?

I'm pretty good at correctly picking up hints but I do err on the side of caution.   If part of her job is to be friendly, like a waitress, receptionist, etc. it takes a lot to for me to consider it a "hint.'   

I give "hints" by flirting, and if it is received well and she flirts back getting close a simple touch (like of the hand not any more overt than that).  Careful attention to her and the moment is all that is required then to see if the feeling is reciprocated, but frankly if it is one of us just speaks up...no need for "hints" any more.

[SumGuy]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Picking up strangers is not for the faint of heart.  I bet your mates have also had knockbacks.   There are guys here who talk of being able to pick up girls, but also talk about rolling with the punches.  @Happy Lemming comes to mind.

Exactly!  You are not ready to meet women this way if you react to them saying no as being "burned" or to hints as "BS."  In my view that puts your head in just the wrong space, both to deal with it and read the hints correctly.   Again, in my view, if you think of it (the sublet signaling of interest by hints, the first step in the "dance") as being mislead, burned, BS, etc. you are way too much into yourself in a non-confident way and that is recipe for failure in this regard, again in my opinion.  

Hints when you just meet are not games in my mind, they are simply how we as social animals signal potential interest with plausible deniability and face saving should we be wrong.  This is different to me than being coy about ones interest after you have passed the initial bar of asking the other person out. 

After you have gone out with a person, hints should not be how you primarily ascertain or communicate interest, be up front with your interest level whatever it may be.

Now during the first meet, I believe in hints/flirting because you are both trying to gauge interest level (you know it is not zero if you are meeting), I find it a good way for each party to subtly communicate and increase  things in a manner that doesn't put someone on the spot. 

Also, I inherently find it fun and personally believe the nature of one's flirting can signal humor, intelligence, insight and degrees of connection...as to me good flirting is never explicit but uses euphemisms that makes the most sense only then and there in the moment.   Euphemisms touch on shared cultural expereince and show insight, as in "hearing" the other person and what euphemism they will connect with...not some stereotypical euphemism which can come across as tone deaf...unless that is the tone they are setting.  

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You have also to be able to recognise and be receptive to hints, even subtle ones.
If she is working hard "fluttering her eyelids" to some guy with no response, then she is going to move on to the next guy...

Well said.  There are different levels of hints.  It is a back and forth.  If you learn to give back your own hints (at the same level or slightly more), that is how it works.

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You can't 100 percent know if someone is flirting with you--and you don't need to know!

A safe way to go is to just match the energy of what you think MIGHT be a flirt. Someone smiles at you (you think). Smile back. Or walk towards them and say hello. Boom. You're in the arena. Then you see what the energy is like. Forget about asking them out. Just say hello and smile or introduce yourself. And just engage. If there's attraction typically the conversation will have some fun energy to it. 

You don't respond to flirting by assuming you want to ask someone out or that someone wants you to ask them out.

No, go take a small step. Leave the quick pickups to people to have that skill.

Said even better.   Forget quick pickups all together I say.    Those who have the "skill" in my expereince it is just a numbers game and swinging for the fences, they often strike out.

[cleverusername]

3 hours ago, HotRevolver93 said:

That’s interesting. I’ve never really had a woman be blatant with me like asking me out or inviting me to her place lol.  I’ve seen it with male friends or family members in social settings but not me. 
 

I agree on women making it clear. 

Yeah, like today I just had a conversation with a woman and she gave me her number and said to text her. I was just being friendly and thought she was too. Now I know she wants something more.

I'm far from a mind reader lol. Anyone who says, "she will flip her hair" or "point her legs" or "lick her lips" clearly isnt a man or a man who talks to women a lot. 99% of the times dudes are just trying not to sound like an idiot.