Amanda92 Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 I don't want to sound self-righteous, but I'm very pretty, smart, successful, people like me and many men want to go out with me... BUT that's it. They like me, want to stay in contact and meet from time to time, want to sleep with me, but they never have any romantic feelings towards me. I heard many times that I am a good girl on paper and that I am very sexy... but something is missed. I'm very shy and my childhood was quite unhappy. I am afraid of showing emotions and in the beginning may seem to be a bit cold. I never show that I am angry, so I never fight like couples usually do. I'm afraid of initiating flirting or touching. Usually I choose men that are afraid of intimacy and avoid serious relationships. I don't know how to build a connection with men. They never miss me, don't compliment me too much and don't want just spend time like a couple in a romantic way... Do you have any thoughts? I feel that I repeat the same mistakes over and over again and I would like to work on that. 1
divegrl Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 I think it’s very hard being a very beautiful and successful woman. Men are intimidated by that. From my experience, men want to feel like they can take care of a woman... if they admit to it or not. When I took a huge pay cut and a much lower position.... I started having tons more guys ask me out. They said they felt like I would not have given them the time of day before. And much better quality men. I would work on being vulnerable and authentic. That’s how you connect to someone, by showing everything to them. It’s scary at first, but you will have much more fulfilled relationships. Wishing you the best. 1
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 How long have you been trying? Women come in many varieties and there are men in as many varieties. You simply need to own who you are and the right man will come along. Some men are attracted toward vulnerable women, others toward strong ones. Thank god we don't all love the same thing. My daughter is the woman l admire the most. She's tattoed from neck to toes, she does power lifting, climbing, on top of that she's a welder. There is not one drop of vulnerability in her! She has never ran out of boyfriends!! She's a 5'1" power ranger and owning it, that's what is attractive to men, you know who you are. 1
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 1 hour ago, Amanda92 said: I'm very shy and my childhood was quite unhappy. About addressing that in therapy so you break the cycle. 1
chillii Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) The old men are intimidated bs from women is just more crap trying to justify him not being into her. There's always something wrong with " him" , if he doesn't want her, it's never her from women , it's always he has some problem. Well l'll say what l always say to that total bs. There's 3x the successful men out there to women for a start. And l have 6 , yes 6 , very successful sisters , 2 are professors, 2 were millionaires, but guess what . They're all happily married and have beautiful families bar one, that one is a bit crazy , that's why she's 50 and never had success with men. NOT her profession or wealth.. And l still remember back in younger days they had no problem what so ever finding men. Op says she goes for men that won't want a relationship well ahhhhhh, maybe that might be a place to start , ya think ??? She also has all these problems with feelings and affection ummmm, from a males point of view what the ? You don't think that might have a something else to do with it , you kidding , that's huge. No man likes a cold fish. Men like warmth from a woman , lots of it. Op , You have to start choosing the right men first obviously , but maybe you should go see someone too and try to work through those other things bc without those nothing will change. ps , and go for guys in your area or more of success. What's the problem there's millions of them . All my sisters hubbies are successful men too, they want successful women and that kind of mind, but not a cold fish or someone with a chip on their shoulder and unfortunately that's actually quite common in successful women especially in their personalities . Edited June 18, 2021 by chillii 3 1
Blind-Sided Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 I really agree with @chillii on this one. People in general are quick to blame others for their lack of...... Whatever they lack. And in your own, short post we can see this. 10 hours ago, Amanda92 said: 1) many men want to go out with me... BUT that's it. 2) They like me, want to stay in contact and meet from time to time, want to sleep with me, but they never have any romantic feelings towards me. 3) I heard many times that I am a good girl on paper and that I am very sexy... but something is missed. A) I'm very shy and my childhood was quite unhappy. B) I am afraid of showing emotions and in the beginning may seem to be a bit cold. C) I'm afraid of initiating flirting or touching. D) Usually I choose men that are afraid of intimacy and avoid serious relationships. Let's just take it from your own post.... 1) OK, we don't know what the real story is here.... but if it's "Many Men"... then there is one common connection, and that is YOU. You need to own this, and think of why that is. Are you easy, are you scary... are you nutz? Btu seriously... think about the last few guys you have dated, and don't put a single thing back on them. 2) OK... they don't have romantic feelings. To me, this would be that you are putting out the "ONS" vibe. I've known several girls like this. They make sex a transaction... not with money... but with emotion. And we see it here. You hook up, and the end is cold, and there is no communication after. The guy will simply go on as he gets the vibe that she is not interested. 3) Well... that goes back to #1. Something is a miss with you. I'm not all for pushing therapy... but some deep self refection is needed. The old saying is... "It takes 2 to tango" is correct. You won't find a partner, if you aren't open to being a partner. Now for some things you are aware of. A) You can't blame your childhood any longer. That is just an excuse. You are an adult, and you need to look past it to be happy. B) If you are cold... you will never find anyone. You need to open up, without dumping your entire life in someone's lap. (That is the desperate vibe) C) Get over it. OK... I'm really not the guy who says... "Get over it" in general, because I know it takes time. But in this case... you need to start trying. D) That's dumb. Don't target guys who aren't emotionally available. Because... they aren't available. Also... DO NOT settle for a guy as a FWB or a ONS just because you are horney. Hold out until you have made a connection. I know that sounds dumb, and old-fashioned, but the truth is... it works. If you are horny, and want sex... then you take the easy path. (ONS FWB) That will dilute you, and make the effort it takes to find a real relationship "Too hard" in your mind. There are several women here who post all the time because they can't find someone... they think they are prettier, younger, worth more than they probably are... and they will blow off a good thing because they wind up in bed with their FWB. Anyway... you need to self reflect... think about the kind of guy you would be happy with... and then open up to them. Most guys don't want a "Fixer-uper" girl... even if she is hot, and has money. Most guys want to feel comfortable, and invited. I wish you luck and happiness in moving forward. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 11 hours ago, Amanda92 said: I'm very shy and my childhood was quite unhappy. I am afraid of showing emotions and in the beginning may seem to be a bit cold. There in lies your problem. Men may be attracted to your outer beauty but once in your presence they get frost bit & move on. You have to find a way to warm up. You can be friendlier & more open without sharing every thing about yourself in the first few weeks. It's OK -- preferred actually -- to build trust over time but there has to be some initial warmth / interest on your part. Work on your eye contact. Lean in when you speak to a man. Touch his arm. Hold hands. Genuinely listen to what he has to say & ask meaningful Qs that show you were paying attention. Reveal something about yourself on the date. It doesn't have to be profound or about your unhappy childhood but it should be personal: 1) your favorite something; 2) why you were moved to tears by something; 3). why you are afraid of something. Before you think I can't do that, it's too deep, let me give you some examples about myself. 1. I love butter pecan ice cream & Pepsi (not together). Such a revelation leads to a conversation about the "cola wars" Coke v Pepsi or the dangers of too much sugar; the ice cream thing should hint at another date where you two can go get ice cream. It's a future thinking thing that is not too far in the future but has a hint of promise. 2. I cried last year watching the USS Comfort sail into NY Harbor during the beginning of the pandemic. You can talk a little about how you both fared these last several strange months. 3. I'm afraid of fireworks, especially in the hands of drunk amateurs. I prefer to watch professional displays from far enough away that the sonic boom doesn't resonate in the pit of my stomach. This hints at a possible future date to watch fireworks together All of those revelations spark more than superficial conversation but aren't soooo deep / personal that a stranger could use the info to emotionally hurt me if that person told others. Nobody is asking you to dissect your deepest trauma with a stranger. These relatively superficial subjects facilitate the foundations of bonding. So think about what parts of you are sharable early on. You have to give of yourself to receive love. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 19 hours ago, Amanda92 said: I am afraid of showing emotions and in the beginning may seem to be a bit cold. Usually I choose men that are afraid of intimacy and avoid serious relationships. If you want to be happy, have a relationship/Bf you're going to have to melt this iceberg. A therapist could help you unpack and sort out why you keep these walls up. Are you virginal or inexperienced? 1 1
smackie9 Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 Men like women they relate to. If you don't have any interest in what men are into (cars, fishing, sports, etc), they won't connect with you. They also like openly flirty, fun, have quick wit, lots of smiles, strong eye contact. I think you would call it "personality". When you got that going on you don't need a low cut blouse and high heels to get them swooning over you.
Ami1uwant Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 22 hours ago, Amanda92 said: I don't want to sound self-righteous, but I'm very pretty, smart, successful, people like me and many men want to go out with me... BUT that's it. They like me, want to stay in contact and meet from time to time, want to sleep with me, but they never have any romantic feelings towards me. I heard many times that I am a good girl on paper and that I am very sexy... but something is missed. I'm very shy and my childhood was quite unhappy. I am afraid of showing emotions and in the beginning may seem to be a bit cold. I never show that I am angry, so I never fight like couples usually do. I'm afraid of initiating flirting or touching. Usually I choose men that are afraid of intimacy and avoid serious relationships. I don't know how to build a connection with men. They never miss me, don't compliment me too much and don't want just spend time like a couple in a romantic way... Do you have any thoughts? I feel that I repeat the same mistakes over and over again and I would like to work on that. Who are you finding the guys? Is there a commonality in them? your shyness on a date might make you unattractive and a B. yourtalking on dates might appear to be more like work related meetings so it turns off the guys.
stillafool Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 23 hours ago, Amanda92 said: I'm very shy and my childhood was quite unhappy. I am afraid of showing emotions and in the beginning may seem to be a bit cold. I never show that I am angry, so I never fight like couples usually do. I'm afraid of initiating flirting or touching. Usually I choose men that are afraid of intimacy and avoid serious relationships. Just a thought but maybe the men you choose who are afraid of intimacy and serious relationships probably go for outgoing, fun women because they just want to have fun. Maybe you need to change who you choose.
chillii Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 (edited) You don't sound cold op , but the problem is shyness and holding back so much still has basically the same effect on that note. Edited June 19, 2021 by chillii
Calmandfocused Posted June 19, 2021 Posted June 19, 2021 (edited) Some great points by the above posters. Just wanted to add: If you bore a man to tears he will quickly lose interest. You need to present yourself as interesting and intriguing. It doesn’t sound like you’re doing that. Not all men are shallow. They want to know they’re getting more than just a pretty face. Edited June 19, 2021 by Calmandfocused 1
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