divegrl Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 The history I know about the guy I am dating, is mostly from our conversations, what his family has told me, and also what I have heard over the years. The more I get to know him, the more I am perceiving him differently. I know what he did before us shouldn’t matter. But it is really bothering me. He is sharing more and more... and I feel myself becoming more insecure in the relationship. I would like to only focus on us in the present and future. But my mind keeps going to what he did before me. So I guess my question is, how much of the past should you know about your partner? Is it all irrelevant, and I should just focus on his actions and behavior now? Thank you so much for listening.
ShyViolet Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 In order for us to give you advice, you are going to need to be more specific about what he did before your relationship. 4 1
Author divegrl Posted June 18, 2021 Author Posted June 18, 2021 14 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: In order for us to give you advice, you are going to need to be more specific about what he did before your relationship. Basically his romantic relationships before us. I had known about the very few more serious ones he had. I just found out about the many other ones. It was my perception that he really only had the couple relationships. But he has dated... IMO a lot of girls. It just makes me feel uneasy.
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 Divegrl: are you asking him to give you these details or he is voluntering the information? Personally l want my date to summarize his past *important* relationships. I don't want to know about the relationships that were not significant. To me under a year it's irrelevant. If a man keep voluntering information about women he dated that would turn me off, not the relationships but his voluntering would. 3
ShyViolet Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 1 hour ago, divegrl said: Basically his romantic relationships before us. I had known about the very few more serious ones he had. I just found out about the many other ones. It was my perception that he really only had the couple relationships. But he has dated... IMO a lot of girls. It just makes me feel uneasy. This is an irrational reason to second-guess a relationship. This insecurity is your problem and I strongly suggest that you work on it. Go to therapy. There is nothing abnormal or concerning about a person who has dated a lot of people.... that's called life and it's unfair to judge someone for it. 4
poppyfields Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, divegrl said: It was my perception that he really only had the couple relationships. But he has dated... IMO a lot of girls. It just makes me feel uneasy. By "dated" do you mean he has had a lot of sexual experiences? Is that what is making you feel uneasy? If so, for me, the amount of sex he had prior to me wouldn't bother me, more so his attitude about sex, including towards the women he had sex with, would bother me (if it's negative). I have been reading a popular men's site lately, and am literally shocked by how some men feel about sex and the women they've had sex with, almost to the point of feeling nauseous at times, that's how negative it is. Don't know if this is what you're referring to, but agree with others, it would be helpful if you provided more detail. Edited June 18, 2021 by poppyfields 2
chillii Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) lt doesn't matter over all really wth . Your uncomfortable with whatever it all is and so really it's up to you at just how uncomfortable. Mt partner had some things , not men things but moralistic, certain views , different to what are very very important to me. We had so much else though , almost impossible to find stuff , l knew that, and l tried to give that side of her time. You don't do this for just anyone though. Over a few yrs l saw for myself that they weren't quite how they come across or that with other things she more than made up for in other ways. So we got passed it. Edited June 18, 2021 by chillii 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 Do you mean he's slept with several other women, OP? 1
Blind-Sided Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 To be honest... you are being to vague about the situation to really give a good answer. Some people date a lot before they settle down. It's not a big deal. But if he's volunteering info, and bragging about how many women he's slept with, and he ... then that's just bad. But if you are asking him for the info... and he is answering honestly... then he's being a good guy, and you are just hearing things that you don't really want to know the answer to. And if that's the case... stop asking. Anyway... a little more info from you will give us a better perspective on what is really happening here. 5
Weezy1973 Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 Are you generally secure in relationships or is insecure your normal? 1
d0nnivain Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 11 hours ago, divegrl said: how much of the past should you know about your partner? Is it all irrelevant, and I should just focus on his actions and behavior now? You shouldn't know too much because exact #s around this sort of thing make people crazy as you are finding out. IMO you should focus on your relationship, the here & now. A person's past does shape who they are today but so do other factors. A man who has dated around is either afraid of commitment or knows what he wants. Since you said you knew about the past serious relationships that tells me he has some ability to be committed. The fact that he dated more women than he has had serious relationships with tells me he knows what he wants & doesn't settle. If something isn't working, he ends things & moves on. To me that seems healthy. I'm more concerned that you see this as a negative. Instead of being upset about his numbers try reframing the issue. This is a man with options & choices who knows himself. He has picked you as his partner so that must make you pretty special. 2
cleverusername Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 Depends if you are asking for this info or he is offering it up. If offering it up, yeah i'd say red flag. If you are asking, I would say it is more an insecurity thing. But your post is kind vague.... 1
Author divegrl Posted June 18, 2021 Author Posted June 18, 2021 11 hours ago, Gaeta said: Divegrl: are you asking him to give you these details or he is voluntering the information? Personally l want my date to summarize his past *important* relationships. I don't want to know about the relationships that were not significant. To me under a year it's irrelevant. If a man keep voluntering information about women he dated that would turn me off, not the relationships but his voluntering would. Hi Gaeta! At the beginning of our relationship, we both asked about long terms serious partners. Then very recently he asked how many people I have just dated/slept with. I told him.... but he did not answer back. This week, I asked again how many people he had dated/had sex with... and that’s when he answered. IMO, he has been with a lot, and that is what is making me feel a bit uncomfortable. Thank you for listening.
Author divegrl Posted June 18, 2021 Author Posted June 18, 2021 10 hours ago, poppyfields said: By "dated" do you mean he has had a lot of sexual experiences? Is that what is making you feel uneasy? If so, for me, the amount of sex he had prior to me wouldn't bother me, more so his attitude about sex, including towards the women he had sex with, would bother me (if it's negative). I have been reading a popular men's site lately, and am literally shocked by how some men feel about sex and the women they've had sex with, almost to the point of feeling nauseous at times, that's how negative it is. Don't know if this is what you're referring to, but agree with others, it would be helpful if you provided more detail. Hi Poppy! Yes, basically the number of sexual experiences. When briefly discussing he was very respectful and polite. The number just bothered me. And I guess what really made me uneasy is that he has had so few relationships, yet been with quite a few women. *** It’s not super high... but is many.*** Thank you for listening.
Author divegrl Posted June 18, 2021 Author Posted June 18, 2021 3 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: To be honest... you are being to vague about the situation to really give a good answer. Some people date a lot before they settle down. It's not a big deal. But if he's volunteering info, and bragging about how many women he's slept with, and he ... then that's just bad. But if you are asking him for the info... and he is answering honestly... then he's being a good guy, and you are just hearing things that you don't really want to know the answer to. And if that's the case... stop asking. Anyway... a little more info from you will give us a better perspective on what is really happening here. Hi! Thank you for your response. Ok... it’s good to hear that it’s not a big deal. Yes... I am asked him, and I heard something I didn’t want to. You are right. It was just one conversation, and I definitely won’t be asking again. Thank you for listening. 1
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 At your age divegrl I think we're done asking those questions. I would never ever ask a man how many partners he had, and I would never answer if I am asked this question. I don't care if he had 3 partners or 60 in his life time but 'not caring' doesn't mean I want to hear the number. 4
Author divegrl Posted June 18, 2021 Author Posted June 18, 2021 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: You shouldn't know too much because exact #s around this sort of thing make people crazy as you are finding out. IMO you should focus on your relationship, the here & now. A person's past does shape who they are today but so do other factors. A man who has dated around is either afraid of commitment or knows what he wants. Since you said you knew about the past serious relationships that tells me he has some ability to be committed. The fact that he dated more women than he has had serious relationships with tells me he knows what he wants & doesn't settle. If something isn't working, he ends things & moves on. To me that seems healthy. I'm more concerned that you see this as a negative. Instead of being upset about his numbers try reframing the issue. This is a man with options & choices who knows himself. He has picked you as his partner so that must make you pretty special. Hi! Thank you for your response. Awww, reframing the situation that way does make me feel better! Yes, I am not asking anymore about the women he has dated. I do try to put most of my energy into the present and future. Thank you! 1
Author divegrl Posted June 18, 2021 Author Posted June 18, 2021 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: At your age divegrl I think we're done asking those questions. I would never ever ask a man how many partners he had, and I would never answer if I am asked this question. I don't care if he had 3 partners or 60 in his life time but 'not caring' doesn't mean I want to hear the number. Yeah, I hear you Gaeta. He did ask first, and he was not too happy with my number either. Obviously I was a bit uneasy with his, as that’s why this thread is here! It does get really tricky. I kinda feel like it’s an important to know, but not ask any details surrounding this question. Thank you so much.
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 16 minutes ago, divegrl said: Yeah, I hear you Gaeta. He did ask first, and he was not too happy with my number either. I think, men that ask these questions, are looking for a very low number not really looking for the truth. They have this fantasy in their head that they can be your best, they will sex you in a way you've never been. Of course if you have a bit of a high number it puts more pressure on them to stand out of the crowd. 4
Blind-Sided Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, divegrl said: At the beginning of our relationship, we both asked about long terms serious partners. Then very recently he asked how many people I have just dated/slept with. I told him.... but he did not answer back. This week, I asked again how many people he had dated/had sex with... and that’s when he answered. IMO, he has been with a lot, and that is what is making me feel a bit uncomfortable. 57 minutes ago, divegrl said: Yes, basically the number of sexual experiences. When briefly discussing he was very respectful and polite. The number just bothered me. And I guess what really made me uneasy is that he has had so few relationships, yet been with quite a few women. *** It’s not super high... but is many.*** Ok... thanks for the direct info. I know you already answered me... but This is exactly where I was getting to. He politely side stepped the question... but you pushed to know. And... well... he told you. 46 minutes ago, Gaeta said: At your age divegrl I think we're done asking those questions. This.... EXACTLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL You can ask those kinds of questions when you are in your 20's... never been married... and have minimal life experiences. If you get a high-ish number... you can see if someone is easy, or a player. But then again... one person's "High" number... is another persons.... normal. And no... I'm not justifying someone with 100's of ex partners. What I mean is... when I was in collage, I was chasing this "Good Girl" who had only "Fooled around", and never really had sex. I was a little older (25 or so) and when she asked me about my partners... I told her there was 7 or 8 at the time. I was being honest... and I knew guys and girls, who had 7 or 8 in the past few weeks. But she thought that was a high number. I told her that's not even 1 a year since I became active... so how was that high? and That's when I started telling people.... "Don't ask the questions you really don't want to know the answer to." Anyway.... now you know. Put what ever number he gave you into perspective for his age, and then reconsider it. Also... if he's older, and had a bad marriage... he may have slept around some to get back his ego. But regardless of the number... that doesn't mean he's a bad guy, or not loyal in a LTR. Edited June 18, 2021 by Blind-Sided 2
SumGuy Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, divegrl said: Yeah, I hear you Gaeta. He did ask first, and he was not too happy with my number either. Obviously I was a bit uneasy with his, as that’s why this thread is here! It does get really tricky. I kinda feel like it’s an important to know, but not ask any details surrounding this question. ... Without age and actual numbers may be hard to get much more specific advice or input. Of course those details are only important if you want how others see it, and if whatever concerns you or he has about the number are based more in objective reality or subjective feelings. Yet this is a relationship, your and his subjective feelings in this regard are important. If it is too high for you, then it is too high. Now I suspect people ask your question when all is good and then this one piece of information has them second guessing, and wondering should they be concerned, are they throwing away a good thing, etc. You have some answers on how to evaluate prior sexual expereince above...I agree it is more how he approaches sex and women (does it align with what you like) than sheer numbers. All that being said, if the number came out to more than 1 different person per week on average, I would begin to wonder, that is just me though. Edited June 18, 2021 by SumGuy 1
ShyViolet Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, divegrl said: Yeah, I hear you Gaeta. He did ask first, and he was not too happy with my number either. Partners should not be asking this question at all. Honestly, it is super weird. I have dated a lot of people, not ashamed to say it. And I have never in all my years had a man ask me how many previous partners I've had. That would be so creepy and inappropriate, I would view it as a red flag. Don't do this with future partners. Also, I've never asked a guy how many partners he has had. It's an inappropriate question and frankly it's none of my damn business. Edited June 18, 2021 by ShyViolet 3
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 14 hours ago, divegrl said: I just found out about the many other ones. It was my perception that he really only had the couple relationships. But he has dated... IMO a lot of girls. How far ago are we talking about? Can you really hold against a middle-age man something he's done in college or in his 20s. You have to put things in perspective too. 1
Allupinnit Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 Stay away from those conversations unless you're prepared to hear ish you don't wanna. Unless there are so many that you KNOW some of them, then THAT would be weird. 1
Vitaminka Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) I've never asked my fiancé about the number of partners he had in his past. He told me about his ex-wife and one girlfriend that he was in a serious relationship with. He never asked about the number of my past sexual partners either. I suspect that his numbers are a lot lower than mine, just a hunch, based on him not knowing some basic stuff in the sack and me teaching him. But I really honestly don't care. I don't know if he cares about my numbers or not, but he never asked me. Not asking questions about the past partners works well for us so I am leaving it alone. I would suggest for you to let it go. Rather, concentrate your energy to the present and the future with this guy. Edited June 18, 2021 by Vitaminka 1
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