Is it normal to have Romantic Attraction without Sexual or Aesthetic attraction?

[LearningEmotions]

Disclaimer: to help conversation I'm using the following definitions for the different types of attractions. https://lgbtq.unc.edu/resources/exploring-identities/asexuality-attraction-and-romantic-orientation/

I recently met someone and our first date was very nice, we have a lot in common. There was definitely pheromones compatibly as we both lost control and ended up kissing passionately for hours without meaning to. At the second date it was more of the same but it kept going and it lead to sex.

I'm 40yo and this kind of 'loss of control' never happened to me before (granted that I had my only girlfriend at 23 and then met my ex-wife of 15years at 25). All in all it was quite confusing to me but something felt off. I thought it was being with another women for the first time in 15 years... however the more I think about it the more I think it's because I'm not sexually nor aesthetically attracted to her.

That being said, I really liked spending time with her, cuddling, talking even kissing...

I really feel ashamed of myself that I didn't recognized how I felt before we got intimate and now I don't know what to do... I know I need to come clean but don't know how to and I don't know if I should just stop the relationship or have a good honest face-to-face talk?

 

Thanks for not judging and keeping it constructive, I want to do what's best for everyone involved.

[basil67]

I'm a bit confused.  What outcome are you looking for?

[ShyViolet]

You've got me genuinely confused.  In order for you to passionately kiss her for hours, "lose control", have sex, and say that you do enjoy cuddling and kissing her, you must be attracted to her on some level.  

[Gaeta]

You are normal.

You really wanted to have sex and she fit the bill to have sex. Now the sexual tension is gone and you realise she's not your type.

It's one of those *what was l thinking about*!!

Be brave and tell her you don't feel you 2 are a match. She will survive. 

Don't tell her you don't find her attractive, remain a gentleman.

Edited June 18, 2021 by Gaeta

[Uruktopi]

10 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

......In order for you to passionately kiss her for hours, "lose control", have sex, and say that you do enjoy cuddling and kissing her, you must be attracted to her on some level.  

 

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

 Now the sexual tension is gone and you realise she's not your type.

Don't tell her you don't find her attractive, remain a gentleman.

Both posters may be right given that the "on some level" thing" can be different to "not your type" and still coexist as contradiction.

Attraction as said by what you do / did. 

Attraction as said by what you are concious on what you feel and think.

If what Gaeta said about your reasons remains true along time, her advice is a quite good one (the  "remain a gentleman" is precious)

Anyhow I wouldn´t neglect the "you must be attracted to her on some level" if it persist. Facts have a "logic" on themselves that is, sometimes, more consistent with reality than the one in our concious minds.

[Fletch Lives]

When you get involved with someone, it's normal to have second thoughts early on.

 

You'll just have to let things play out and see what happens - whether you stay with her, or leave.

[Ami1uwant]

On 6/17/2021 at 10:09 AM, LearningEmotions said:

Disclaimer: to help conversation I'm using the following definitions for the different types of attractions. https://lgbtq.unc.edu/resources/exploring-identities/asexuality-attraction-and-romantic-orientation/

I recently met someone and our first date was very nice, we have a lot in common. There was definitely pheromones compatibly as we both lost control and ended up kissing passionately for hours without meaning to. At the second date it was more of the same but it kept going and it lead to sex.

I'm 40yo and this kind of 'loss of control' never happened to me before (granted that I had my only girlfriend at 23 and then met my ex-wife of 15years at 25). All in all it was quite confusing to me but something felt off. I thought it was being with another women for the first time in 15 years... however the more I think about it the more I think it's because I'm not sexually nor aesthetically attracted to her.

That being said, I really liked spending time with her, cuddling, talking even kissing...

I really feel ashamed of myself that I didn't recognized how I felt before we got intimate and now I don't know what to do... I know I need to come clean but don't know how to and I don't know if I should just stop the relationship or have a good honest face-to-face talk?

 

Thanks for not judging and keeping it constructive, I want to do what's best for everyone involved.

then there is pornoromantic .....but I digress....

 

based on what you describeid call it pure physical attraction. Unsure how much you talked before thus or how well you knew this person before.

 

sometimes what you describe could happen in longer established relationships where you both were married so you didn’t even look at this as something of romantic relationship. You just viewed things platonically but you had these common interests and you interacted well together

 

as you describe this is your first adult relationship so things are different than when under 25 when you were care free then and you hadn’t fully developed what you want as a partner.

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

Peop,e fear the ...it’s happening to fast and heard stories of it ending as quickly as it started.  Pure physical relationships get clouded over by not learning about who this person is.

 

I think this is why many marriages fail because it’s driven by physical attraction that can fade over time and replaces with a higher emotional bonding that isn’t there.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sexual attraction (that visceral desire) can be quite confusing and sexual chemistry (when the sex feels so great) is also confusing.

One test of whether or not I'm really into someone for a relationship: sex is over, how do I feel? They want to hold hands as we go out in public, how do I feel? Walking down the street with them, how do I feel? Holding hands with them walking down the street, how do I feel? I see them smile, how do I feel?

Sounds like you felt that lack of connection once the kissing and sex was over. That happens, happens at the time. 

But you're early on, you haven't committed to anything. You're allowed to slow things down and not get into a serious relationship or to not follow up at all. By having sex, you didn't agree to marry this person. The important thing right now is to push aside all worry about "niceness" and to be honest, ruthlessly honest with yourself, about what you're feeling . If you're not feeling good once the sex is over, then you don't want to enter into any kind of real romance. It won't work. You'll be faking it. Your body language will show disinterest and the other person will ultimately pick up your lack of attraction outside of sex. And your lack of attraction outside of sex will ultimately spill over into less sexual satisfaction. 

So what's the issue: are you feeling guilty? Don't. You haven't done anything wrong, from what I can tell. Maybe you need to say more. 

 

[kendahke]

not for me