Moth Olir Posted June 17, 2021 Posted June 17, 2021 Hey! Me (23M) and a friend of mine (22M) have known each other for a year or so. He is a guy who has never been in a relationship or fallen in love with anyone. He kissed a guy once but did not like it and stopped seeing the guy. Long story short we kissed 4 months ago. At first, we would meet once a week, behave like friends and kiss when we went to sleep. The last two months have been completely different though. We meet all the weekend, we are all the time hugging, watching films while holding hands, make lots of plans together, etc... It sounds pretty nice from now. 2 weekends ago I decided to tell him that I loved him. He started kissing me and I was like "mmm what do you mean with that?". He told me that he didn't know what love is, that he does not feel it like, for example, happiness or sadness. Of course I felt horribly. Then he told me that he deeply cares for me, that he wanted to see me again as soon as we left each other home and that sometimes he is worried that I would get tired of him because he didn't want to lose what we have (he is very insecure and has communication issues, for example he will almost never tell me what bothers him and compliments hurt him instead of making him feel good). He also told me that for him, loving someone is like in a movie (if you love someone, you cannot stop thinking about them and only want to make plans with them, even give your life for them). He doesn't feel it but under that definition I am not in love with him either. The problem here is that I can't avoid feeling bad for this. We always have an amazing time when we are together, but when we are not he is pretty distant (so it is like a roller coaster, being on top of it when together but at the bottom all the other time). I told him one month ago to try to pay a litte more of attention to me when we were not together but this doesn't fix the main problem. If he told me that he loved me but he is distant when he is not with somebody I would understand it, but if he tells me that he doesn't know if he loves me and I know he never will because what he is defining is infatuation (which he hasn't felt for me and I highly doubt he will feel it in the future) I can't avoid being extremely insecure about the relationship. What would you do? Ask me any doubt you have, and sorry for my English, I'm not native <3
glows Posted June 17, 2021 Posted June 17, 2021 3 minutes ago, Moth Olir said: that sometimes he is worried that I would get tired of him because he didn't want to lose what we have (he is very insecure and has communication issues, for example he will almost never tell me what bothers him and compliments hurt him instead of making him feel good). He also told me that for him, loving someone is like in a movie (if you love someone, you cannot stop thinking about them and only want to make plans with them, even give your life for them). You can't fix someone else's insecurity and you're learning it the very hard way. There are way too many issues here and none of which you have to pay for with your time or peace of mind. This person needs more work on himself, better communication, more lived experience and less unrealistic or cartoonish expectations. Of course you feel bad. That's by design. He's not ready for a real relationship and judging by the way he talks about himself he seems altogether too happy to take advantage of the situation knowing that he doesn't feel the same way about you nor is he capable of it (selfish/immature). Why would you want to date someone with such a limited capacity to give or experience life? 1
Author Moth Olir Posted June 17, 2021 Author Posted June 17, 2021 12 minutes ago, glows said: he seems altogether too happy to take advantage of the situation knowing that he doesn't feel the same way about you nor is he capable of it (selfish/immature). Why would you want to date someone with such a limited capacity to give or experience life? Hi glows, First of all, every time I told him that I didn't feel okay with something he asked me what could he do to change it (obviously not the time I told him that I felt bad because he didn't love me in the way he sees love) so I don't think he is taking advantage of me with bad intention. I think I hold onto the idea that he will someday realise he loves me but not in the Hollywood way. And apart from that I have a lot of affection to him and he was my friend before dating, so it is way harder for me to stop things than if I had met him 4 months ago through a random app. But I think you are right, despite all the amazing time and things he provides me, I shouldn't try to heal or put up with his issues.
glows Posted June 17, 2021 Posted June 17, 2021 11 minutes ago, Moth Olir said: Hi glows, First of all, every time I told him that I didn't feel okay with something he asked me what could he do to change it (obviously not the time I told him that I felt bad because he didn't love me in the way he sees love) so I don't think he is taking advantage of me with bad intention. I think I hold onto the idea that he will someday realise he loves me but not in the Hollywood way. And apart from that I have a lot of affection to him and he was my friend before dating, so it is way harder for me to stop things than if I had met him 4 months ago through a random app. But I think you are right, despite all the amazing time and things he provides me, I shouldn't try to heal or put up with his issues. Four months is premature to be talking about love. He didn't reciprocate and you're stung - I understand that. Be more realistic here when it comes to your values and beliefs, the ways you both communicate and that lack of communication. That's what I'm focusing on, not declarations of love. Your compatibility depends on whether your views, approaches and beliefs align. They don't match up based on what you've described. 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 17, 2021 Posted June 17, 2021 Serious question.... what is love? How do you quantify it personally? Each person is different. to me personally how well do you do when together for extended periods? how is the romance and sex? how are you with there faults? What I mean as faults might be differences. You coukd comp,ement each other well. shared goals and beliefs? is there an interest important to you that they support? Ie you don’t have to give it up for a relationship.
Author Moth Olir Posted June 17, 2021 Author Posted June 17, 2021 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: what is love? How do you quantify it personally? Each person is different. I totally agree with you. The thing is that for him, love is what I wrote in the post, and I'm pretty sure he will never feel that kind of love for me if he hasn't felt it yet. I respect that, but I don't want him to keep me hanging on because he can't make any decision (and believe me, he is reaaaaaally bad at making decisions or facing problems). 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: how well do you do when together for extended periods? Very well, when we are together everything is pretty dope. 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: how is the romance and sex? Romance is great when we are together and alone (he's not as affectionate when we are in public but that I understand) and sex is great and getting better over time. 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: how are you with there faults? What I mean as faults might be differences. You coukd comp,ement each other well. I think I'm pretty good with it. I don't judge him, only tell him how they make me feel, and I know he tries not to hurt me as much as he can. 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: shared goals and beliefs? We are both studying so we don't have lots of future goals, but I think we are pretty similar in this. Beliefs are the same in almost every topic. 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: is there an interest important to you that they support? Ie you don’t have to give it up for a relationship. I dont have to give up anything in my life for the relationship with him.
smackie9 Posted June 17, 2021 Posted June 17, 2021 You do whatever you want to do..accept what is now and carry on. If it becomes unbearable, that's when you have to make a decision. 1
ShyViolet Posted June 17, 2021 Posted June 17, 2021 You cannot control his feelings, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about his insecurity. He tells you that he doesn't know if he loves you. He acts distant. That might never change. Are you willing to accept that? You have two choices... accept this, or walk away. There is no in-between. Stop thinking that you can "help" him overcome his insecurity or change his feelings towards you. 1
Author Moth Olir Posted June 17, 2021 Author Posted June 17, 2021 26 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: You cannot control his feelings, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about his insecurity. He tells you that he doesn't know if he loves you. He acts distant. That might never change. Are you willing to accept that? You have two choices... accept this, or walk away. There is no in-between. Stop thinking that you can "help" him overcome his insecurity or change his feelings towards you. Hi ShyViolet, The fact that he acts distant is actually changing over time, since I told him that I might need a little bit more of affection when we were not together. The fact that he tells me that he doesn't know if he loves me is the one I think will not change. And yes, I agree with you that there are only two ways. Thank you for your comment!
spiderowl Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 (edited) This sounds awfully like the 'situationship' that many find themselves in, where one party feels something and knows it and the other one is apparently 'ignorant' of what love is. I know it is early in your relationship so maybe expecting declarations of love is a bit too soon, but pay attention to your feelings. - You are feeling insecure - You are finding it difficult to understand what he means (this may be deliberate obfuscation on his part) - You feel you are dealing with someone who is damaged by past experiences. This could be the case or it could be that he is just strange and that may never change. Maybe you should ask yourself how long you are willing to hang on in there until his feelings change? They may never change and you may be waiting forever. Rather than trap yourself in a non-relationship, why not work out what measurable changes you want to see over the next few weeks? What do you actually want from this relationship? If he was more devoted, more loving, would you be happy with that or would you suddenly start to feel stifled yourself? Work out how you want it to progress and if it doesn't, consider whether it might be best to start again with someone else. There is no point 'working at' a relationship if it is never going to meet your needs. Edited June 18, 2021 by spiderowl 1
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