Had a fun date, what do you think about this?

[Emilyinroses]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

They can also be a bunch of meaningless words unfortunately.

Best to be careful and mindful that the person walks the talk. That can only come about with time and observing the other person.

Did he mention anything about his other interests or passions in life? How does he feel about his career? Or did both of you only about his past relationships? If you haven't had a chance to find out maybe this Sunday is a good idea.

Yes we did talk about other things. We talked non stop for 3 hours and lost track of time! 

Of course that can only be observed with time and actions. 

Edited June 17, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I'm sorry, I know I am in the minority here, I just don't see the point in asking such arbitrary questions, no one has any idea what they ultimately want or want to happen upon meeting a brand new person.

I mostly agree. 

I look at the part of the profile where the guy says what he is looking for and I screen out the ones who put "something casual." But beyond that, it's all pretty meaningless. 

For one, there are guys who know women are generally relationship-minded, so they will say they want an LTR even if they don't. 

Then there are the guys who are just desperate to be in a LTR with someone, anyone. I've met these guys and it's a turn-off.

Then there are "normal" guys who are genuinely open to a LTR but who may not want it with me. 

The last category is "normal" guys who are unsure.  Now, I'm not talking about guys who are ambivalent because they are still hung up on an ex or are bitter because of their last breakup, or who are deeply damaged, etc.  I'm talking about guys who see things through the lens of wanting to find the right person first and foremost, and then they'll want an LTR in that context.  This is pretty much exactly how I see it myself and also how I express it. So @Emilyinroses's guy saying he's not sure what he wants, especially within the context of "family" is not a read flag for me.  But if it is for her, then on to the next one, I suppose.

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by introverted1

[Emilyinroses]

14 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I mostly agree. 

I look at the part of the profile where the guy says what he is looking for and I screen out the ones who put "something casual." But beyond that, it's all pretty meaningless. 

For one, there are guys who know women are generally relationship-minded, so they will say they want an LTR even if they don't. 

Then there are the guys who are just desperate to be in a LTR with someone, anyone. I've met these guys and it's a turn-off.

Then there are "normal" guys who are genuinely open to a LTR but who may not want it with me. 

The last category is "normal" guys who are unsure.  Now, I'm not talking about guys who are ambivalent because they are still hung up on an ex or are bitter because of their last breakup, or who are deeply damaged, etc.  I'm talking about guys who see things through the lens of wanting to find the right person first and foremost, and then they'll want an LTR in that context.  This is pretty much exactly how I see it myself and also how I express it. So @Emilyinroses's guy saying he's not sure what he wants, especially within the context of "family" is not a read flag for me.  But if it is for her, then on to the next one, I suppose.

 

Yes guys who are desperate to be in a relationship are usually the ones who lovebomb or speed things up, and the players are easy to spot because usually their actions don’t match their words or are inconsistent.

But that’s what I want: find the right person first and then want a relationship with them. And I say that to anyone who asks me what I want, and like a man who says that too. Simple.

I am going to see this guy again on Sunday because I did like him, and I am not sure now if when he said he is not sure about what he wants, he was referring to having kids or was talking about a serious relationship. 

We were having a lot of fun together, so there wasn’t a really more in depth talk about that, but then I got home and realised that.
 

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Alpacalia]

56 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

But to me there are non negotiables in an early stage, and to me a man who says he is not looking for anything serious or just wants casual, is a turn off.

 

Agree.

So if that's what he's said to you and you're not looking for casual then that's that.

[Emilyinroses]

7 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Agree.

So if that's what he's said to you and you're not looking for casual then that's that.

I am not sure now he was referring to a serious relationship or to have kids, or both (when he said he doesn’t want that anymore), so I am going out with him again and understand that.

[Emilyinroses]

There was also a situation with a woman he told me about. They met online and he said he had a coffee with her, but then he wasn’t into her, but she is stalking him saying he wants him and she always gets what she wants.

He said he already told her he doesn’t want anything to do with her and for her to go back to her ex because they are still good friends and he likes her, but she keeps chasing him.

I find all this really weird. Maybe it wasn’t just a coffee they had but they had more, something like that.

But I find it weird he telling me about it on a first date and continue to communicate with her when (from what he said) she is completely crossing his boundaries.

[Sun Seeker]

3 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

There was also a situation with a woman he told me about. They met online and he said he had a coffee with her, but then he wasn’t into her, but she is stalking him saying he wants him and she always gets what she wants.

He said he already told her he doesn’t want anything to do with her and for her to go back to her ex because they are still good friends and he likes her, but she keeps chasing him.

I find all this really weird. Maybe it wasn’t just a coffee they had but they had more, something like that.

But I find it weird he telling me about it on a first date and continue to communicate with her when (from what he said) she is completely crossing his boundaries.

He is trying to impress you by showing he is 'in demand'.

From this whole thread you definitely need that 2nd date to get to the bottom of all these issues you are finding.

FWIW I agree with you that it's better to find someone looking for the same thing sooner rather than later.

[Emilyinroses]

6 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

He is trying to impress you by showing he is 'in demand'.

From this whole thread you definitely need that 2nd date to get to the bottom of all these issues you are finding.

FWIW I agree with you that it's better to find someone looking for the same thing sooner rather than later.

Yes I am going out with him this Sunday to see how I feel.

He is in demand because he has one crazy woman stalking him? lol that’s hilarious.

[Wiseman2]

On 6/17/2021 at 2:49 AM, Emilyinroses said:

 I liked him and the date, so I am going to see him at least once again and see what happens.

It depends on why you are dating. Is it to socialize or to find a family-minded man?

[Emilyinroses]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It depends on why you are dating. Is it to socialize or to find a family-minded man?

To find the right life partner.

[Gaeta]

@Emilyinroses: As a mother, you sure you want to date a childless man?

Not that he may want children eventually but if he's set in his ways, dating a woman with children may be too much *actions* and *restrictions* for him. 

[Emilyinroses]

31 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@Emilyinroses: As a mother, you sure you want to date a childless man?

Not that he may want children eventually but if he's set in his ways, dating a woman with children may be too much *actions* and *restrictions* for him. 

That doesn’t bother me to be honest. It can even be easier if he doesn’t have children because he can be more flexible, whilst managing schedules when both are parents can be tricky.

It’s more to do if he likes children and if he likes me enough to understand I am limited for a few years. I told him that actually, he seemed fine.

[poppyfields]

Hey Emily, I got thinking about this more, and despite what I posted earlier, I think it's ok and maybe even good to ask.

I've been reading a popular men's site lately and one poster uploaded his photobucket showing initial text messages between himself and various women on POF and Tinder.

And HE would ask them what they were looking for on POF or Tinder!

And since he wasn't seeking anything but hookups at that point in time, if a woman responded she was seeking a boyfriend or serious relationship he would very politely and kindly shut it down. 

The conversations seemed very natural not contrived at all, and in thinking about it now, it showed integrity on the man's part to ask.

It's the same situation as you but in reverse.

So go ahead and ask if that is what you're inclined to do.  Hopefully he will be honest.

Re what he told you about the other woman, agree with Punterxx, he's letting you know other women find him attractive and introducing some competition hoping to raise your interest level.

The idea being "women desire a man whom other women want."

There are articles all over the internet discussing this.

I don't have time to give my thoughts about that now, maybe later.

 

 

Edited June 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

44 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hey Emily, I got thinking about this more, and despite what I posted earlier, I think it's ok and maybe even good to ask.

I've been reading a popular men's site lately and one poster uploaded his photobucket showing initial text messages between himself and various women on POF and Tinder.

And HE would ask them what they were looking for on POF or Tinder!

And since he wasn't seeking anything but hookups at that point in time, if a woman responded she was seeking a boyfriend or serious relationship he would very politely and kindly shut it down. 

The conversations seemed very natural not contrived at all, and in thinking about it now, it showed integrity on the man's part to ask.

It's the same situation as you but in reverse.

So go ahead and ask if that is what you're inclined to do.  Hopefully he will be honest.

Re what he told you about the other woman, agree with Punterxx, he's letting you know other women find him attractive and introducing some competition hoping to raise your interest level.

The idea being "women desire a man whom other women want."

There are articles all over the internet discussing this.

I don't have time to give my thoughts about that now, maybe later.

 

 

Thank you. Yes asking is not to put the other person on the spot, is just to know if we are both on the same page.

That might work with same women (on a date and he is talking about other woman who is interested), but to me is a total turn-off, ridiculous and even disrespectful. 

How would he feel if I start talking about other men!?

He should be a gentleman and focusing on me, not talking about a woman who is irrelevant to the date. It feels manipulative to get a reaction.

Also makes me feel there was more to that than just them had a coffee. 

It was fine talking about the situation casually, but several times, and with such drama!? And then calling me after the date and still talking about her!? 

It’s very easy to block and delete an annoying person, if he’s not doing it he was some interest in it.

If he talks about it again I’m telling him how I feel about it.

Would be nice if you let me know what you think poppy. Thanks.

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

I am not sure now he was referring to a serious relationship or to have kids, or both (when he said he doesn’t want that anymore), so I am going out with him again and understand that.

There's a likelihood that he's more involved with this woman than he's letting on. I'd keep that in mind, as well as whether or not your dating goals mesh, which I'm guessing you'll know more about now that you've agreed to go on a second date.

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

but several times, and with such drama!? And then calling me after the date and still talking about her!? 

It’s very easy to block and delete an annoying person, if he’s not doing it he was some interest in it.

You might have a hint on why, at his age,  his longest relationship was 2 years. He doesn't sound like the gentleman you're looking for Emily

[Emilyinroses]

4 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

There's a likelihood that he's more involved with this woman than he's letting on. I'd keep that in mind, as well as whether or not your dating goals mesh, which I'm guessing you'll know more about now that you've agreed to go on a second date.

Of course he is. They probably hooked up and he backed off letting her mad, that’s why she is stalking him now. And of course he will not tell me that. 

[Emilyinroses]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You might have a hint on why, at his age,  his longest relationship was 2 years. He doesn't sound like the gentleman you're looking for Emily

Agree. A gentleman would focus on the woman he is on a date with, making her feel good. And would be smart enough to do that. Not be talking about some other woman.

That is the sort of thing teenagers do in high school.

Edited June 18, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Of course he is. They probably hooked up and he backed off letting her mad, that’s why she is stalking him now. And of course he will not tell me that. 

Well, you said he continues to communicate with her, so this could just be his way of informing you from the beginning that he is still involved with her.

I'm not sure why he told you that on your first date; perhaps it comes down to whether it's better to tell others about who you're dating, seeing, or doing whatever with, or to keep it to yourself.

 

[Emilyinroses]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Well, you said he continues to communicate with her, so this could just be his way of informing you from the beginning that he is still involved with her.

I'm not sure why he told you that on your first date; perhaps it comes down to whether it's better to tell others about who you're dating, seeing, or doing whatever with, or to keep it to yourself.

 

I wonder the same thing. He said he never got involved with her, only had one coffee. But I don’t believe there would be stalking and so much drama without at least one hook-up.

Anyway I need to tell him to solve this before we continue meeting, because I don’t feel comfortable. Also if she is a crazy stalker, what if she starts stalking me if she knows he is seeing another woman!? It can even be dangerous.

This is something he needs to solve before he goes meeting other women.

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Anyway I need to tell him to solve this before we continue meeting, because I don’t feel comfortable. Also if she is a crazy stalker, what if she starts stalking me if she knows he is seeing another woman!? It can even be dangerous.

This is something he needs to solve before he goes meeting other women.

Bolded, I seriously wouldn't bother Emily.  He's gonna do what he wants to do regardless of what you need, you've only had one date.  He will most likely see you as controlling, insecure, needy.  You're not his mother OR even his girlfriend.

So don't bother.  Simply walk, I would. 

I made another post not too long ago about men intentionally bringing other women into your relationship (or dating experience) and it's a huge turn off for many women, including myself.  Some women may be turned ON by the competition, let them have him.

There is no reason for it other than to stir jealousy, anxiety, unease and throw you off balance (your game).  I think it's manipulative quite frankly.

These early stages are for observing Emily, to determine if a man (or woman if roles are reversed) is someone you envision long term with, assuming a committed RL is what you want.  It's the time to focus on each other, NOT bring other people (men or women) into your dating experience.

It's  also not the time to be negotiating your wants and needs or what makes you uncomfortable.  That happens after a level of trust develops and you've been seeing each other for awhile.

At this point, one date, my advice would be to walk.  I would, and have!    There are soooo many men out there.  Ask yourself, do you really need that BS from a man you had one date with? 

Choose wisely from the get-go and avoid disappointment or hurt later.  

 

 

 

Edited June 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Bolded, I seriously wouldn't bother Emily.  He's gonna do what he wants to do regardless of what you need, you've only had one date.  He will most likely see you as controlling, insecure, needy.  You're not his mother OR even his girlfriend.

So don't bother.  Simply walk, I would. 

I made another post not too long ago about men intentionally bringing other women into your relationship (or dating experience) and it's a huge turn off for many women, including myself.  Some women may be turned ON by the competition, let them have him.

There is no reason for it other than to stir jealousy, anxiety, unease and throw you off balance (your game).  I think it's manipulative quite frankly.

These early stages are for observing Emily, to determine if a man (or woman if roles are reversed) is someone you envision long term with, assuming a committed RL is what you want.

It's not the time to be negotiating your wants and needs or what make you uncomfortable.  That happens after a level of trust develops and you've been seeing each other awhile.

At this point, one date, my advice would be to walk.  There are so many men out there, ask yourself, do you really need that BS?

Choose wisely from the get-go and avoid disappointment or hurt later.

 

 

 

I agree, they play games to get an outcome, but then it backfires in their face when they do that to the wrong women.

I would not ask him to solve it just like that, because that’s not my issue, it’s his.

But if he brings that again I would ask is he sure they only had one coffee? Because her reaction seem too much for just one coffee and makes no sense.

Anyway, I think he went too far talking about her and especially calling me after the date complaining she is sending her messages non stop and I could hear the beeps on his phone. Creepy to say the least.

I am wondering now if I want to go on another date with him. I am talking to two other guys that at least until now seem normal, so perhaps gonna leave this one and focus on them. Thank you.

Edited June 18, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I agree, they play games to get an outcome, but then it backfires in their face when they do that to the wrong women.

I would not ask him to solve it just like that, because that’s not my issue, it’s his.

But if he brings that again I would ask is he sure they only had one coffee? Because her reaction seem too much for just one coffee and makes no sense.

Anyway, I think he went too far talking about her and especially calling me after the date complaining she is sending her messages non stop and I could hear the beeps on his phone. Creepy to say the least.

I am wondering now if I want to go on another date with him. I am talking to two other guys that at least until now seem normal, do perhaps gonna leave this one and focus on them. Thank you.

Bolded, again why bother confronting?  At this point, one date, it's actually none of your business. 

One coffee, ten coffees, they had sex, who cares?  You've had one date.  This shouldn't be happening.

Wish him well and walk if it makes you this uncomfortable, as you said you're talking to two other guys and plenty more where they came from too.

Either that or learn to play HIS game, which I wouldn't recommend, it can be emotionally exhausting!  BTDT.

 

Edited June 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Anyway, I think he went too far talking about her and especially calling me after the date complaining she is sending her messages non stop and I could hear the beeps on his phone. Creepy to say the least.

That tells you a lot about his poor character. It doesn't matter if they hooked up or not, and it's not your business sorry

He is enjoying the attention & the drama she gives him. That enough speaks loud of his character.

Edited June 18, 2021 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

Emily, I have another idea which I've done before with success.

Next time he starts talking about her (or any other woman or women) gently tell him you would prefer to not discuss other people, that you would prefer to focus only each other.  Don't be angry or confrontational.  Say it gently and sweetly.  

It's bold, but I have done it, like I said, with success.  And men respected me for it (they told me).

Assuming you really like him, which I sense you do.  

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Edited June 18, 2021 by poppyfields