Had a fun date, what do you think about this?

[Emilyinroses]

19 minutes ago, stillafool said:

That is not what I'm seeing on this board.  I see that guys are saying "I'm not looking for anything serious",  "I'm not looking for a relationship right now", or flat out not getting back in touch and women trying to find ways to change their minds.

I do think men are interested in cheerful, fun women who don't come off too serious too soon.  

Spoiler alert: you can be bubbly, fun, cheerful AND be serious at the same time. 

[Emilyinroses]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@Emilyinroses: As he asked you on that 2nd date yet?

Yes he did, we are going to meet this Sunday.

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I have been experimenting with this since I am back online dating. In the past couple of days every man I engaged in conversation with asked me first *what I was looking for* and they expressed strongly searching for a serious relationship and were not into playing games. These men exist. It does not mean they'll meet me and fall head over heels for me, we understand that. 

I'm sorry, I know I am in the minority here, I just don't see the point in asking such arbitrary questions, no one has any idea what they ultimately want or want to happen upon meeting a brand new person.

Searching for a serious relationship?  How does that pertain to you if he doesn't envision YOU as a woman to pursue a serious RL with?

On the other hand, a guy not searching for a serious relationship may fall head or heels and want a serious RL with you!  Happened to me.

It's all a risk no matter how we slice it, isn't it?

 

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

Just now, Emilyinroses said:

Yes he did, we are going to meet this Sunday.

That's great!

Stick with the words he says. Don't give them double meanings, don't add or substract words he says. If a man says red, he means red. Only us women give 50 different shades to red. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes he did, we are going to meet this Sunday.

Ok you can get a better feel for things at that time. But so far his goals don't seem to align so enjoy but proceed with caution.

[Emilyinroses]

Just now, poppyfields said:

I'm sorry, I know I am in the minority here, I just don't seen the point of asking such arbitrary questions, no one has any idea what they ultimately want or want to happen upon meeting a brand new person.

Searching for a serious relationship?  How does that pertain to you if he doesn't envision YOU as a woman to pursue a serious RL with?

On the other hand, a guy not searching for a serious relationship may fall head or heels and want a serious RL with you!  Happened to me.

It's all a risk no matter how we slice it, isn't it?

 

 

I understand what you are saying but no I am not going to risk to go out with a guy who says to me early on he just wants casual or not looking for anything serious.

Yes he could be amazing, yes he could fall head over heels, etc, but we are not on the same page to start with and that makes me feel uncomfortable. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It's all a risk no matter how we slice it, isn't it?

Yes your take on it is all about taking a risk. 

I am not a risk taker, in ANY aspect of my life. I am ready to bet @Emilyinroses is like me. Our portfolio gives us lower rate but we sleep well knowing our money is secure. 

Edited June 17, 2021 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

Just now, Emilyinroses said:

I understand what you are saying but no I am not going to risk to go out with a guy who says to me early on he just wants casual or not looking for anything serious.

Yes he could be amazing, yes he could fall head over heels, etc, but we are not on the same page to start with and that makes me feel uncomfortable. 

Okay fair enough.    We all have our own styles.

I can't imagine ever asking these types of questions, but hey if that's what works for you and what you need to do, no argument or judgment from me!

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Yes your take on it is all about taking a risk. 

I am not a risk taker, in ANY aspect of my life. I am ready to bet @Emilyinroses is like me. Our portfolio gives us lower rate but we sleep well knowing our money is secure. 

Is it really secure though?  That's what's confusing because just because a man's goal is a serious relationship, he may not envision that with you so not sure how knowing that would make you feel secure. 

Re risk, dating is a risk, relationships are a risk, life is a risk!  If one is adverse to taking risks then what's the point of even living?  lol

Anyway, we could debate this until hell freezes over, again we all have our own styles, which is fine and I wish everyone the BEST!! 

Edited June 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Is it really secure though?  That's what's confusing because just because a man's goal is a serious relationship, he may not envision that with you so not sure how knowing that would make you feel secure. 

Let me give you an example. 

Before I met my ex I was 3 years online before finding him and we know I went on about 200 first dates. 

That is a lot of energy, and a lot of men.

Now all those men said they were looking for a relationship. Imagine if on top of those 200 men looking for a relationship I had added to that those who want casual, nothing serious for now, go with the flow, lets see where it gets us? 

Asking a man if he's looking for a relationship does not guarantee anything, he could still be a player but it narrows down the number of men we meet. We have to filter them somehow, there is just too many of them

[Alpacalia]

17 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

It’s not a guarantee I’ll be with them either.

But at least we want the same things to start with.

You're right, it's not a guarantee.

Wanting the same things to start with is smart.

But, what if after a few dates he turns out to be a big belcher? Or that he likes eating cats? 

You're dating to also figure out who YOU want to commit to.

You know?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Alpaca said:

But, what if after a few dates he turns out to be a big belcher? Or that he likes eating cats? 

Agree there are red flags and deal breakers everywhere and some are more apparent than others.

Not sure what's wrong with eating pets, though

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

You're dating to also figure out who YOU want to commit to.

You know?

Heck yeah! 

It's an interesting question though because there are women whose only requirements are (1) he has a pulse, (2) he's single and available and (3) he is interested in having a serious RL with her.

I know a woman who was madly in love with one man (who didn't want her) but ended up marring another man she didn't love (or even like!) but who wanted to marry her.

They are now divorced.

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

But, what if after a few dates he turns out to be a big belcher? Or that he likes eating cats? 

You're dating to also figure out who YOU want to commit to.

You know?

What if? we move to next. 

It's not because we meet a man that wants a relationship that we're jumping in one. The whole getting-to-know-each-other has to take place, the chemistry has to be there, the common goal and values. 

[Emilyinroses]

16 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

You're right, it's not a guarantee.

Wanting the same things to start with is smart.

But, what if after a few dates he turns out to be a big belcher? Or that he likes eating cats? 

You're dating to also figure out who YOU want to commit to.

You know?

 

 

That is why I learned to do something called rotation. To not focus on any particular man until you find one you (and him) decide you want to be exclusive. 

So if one of them turns out he likes to eat cats (poor kittens), that’s totally fine because I am also talking to others who don’t. 

I am not emotionally invested in a man just because he says he is looking for a serious relationship. 

But to me there are non negotiables in an early stage, and to me a man who says he is not looking for anything serious or just wants casual, is a turn off.

I know some women see it as a challenge, or fun, not me. I lose interest immediately. 

Edited June 17, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Let me give you an example. 

Before I met my ex I was 3 years online before finding him and we know I went on about 200 first dates. 

That is a lot of energy, and a lot of men.

Now all those men said they were looking for a relationship. Imagine if on top of those 200 men looking for a relationship I had added to that those who want casual, nothing serious for now, go with the flow, lets see where it gets us? 

Asking a man if he's looking for a relationship does not guarantee anything, he could still be a player but it narrows down the number of men we meet. We have to filter them somehow, there is just too many of them

Gaeta, just something to consider but if you had used a different process to weed men out, other than he wasn't seeking a "relationship," it's quite possible you would not have needed to be on line for three years and go on 200 dates before finding your Mr. Right or your Mr. Right Now (your ex).

You may have clicked, vibed, been on the same wavelength with men whose goal wasn't a relationship necessarily, but because you vibed so well together, he wanted that with you.

Like you may possibly be using the wrong criteria for filtering men out.

I met my last ex on my second meet!   I had only met one man before him.

I talked to at least 50 men, but I used a different process to filter (like our energy, how well we vibed) but only met two, and the second man became my boyfriend of three years.

I dunno, just a thought.

 

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I talked to at least 50 men, but I used a different process to filter (like our energy, how well we vibed) but only met two, and the second guy became my boyfriend of three years.

You were extremely lucky. 

It's not the stories we hear on here right?

I have been on dates where the chemistry, energy and vibe was out of this world.....they (men) usually disappeared after sex. To me chemistry, energy and vibe is a fabrication from men to get us to bed. 

Edited June 17, 2021 by Gaeta

[Emilyinroses]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Gaeta, just something to consider but if you had used a different process to weed men out, other than he wasn't seeking a "relationship," it's quite possible you would not have needed to be on line for three years and go on 200 dates before finding your Mr. Right or your Mr. Right Now (your ex).

You may have clicked, vibed, been on the same wavelength with men whose goal wasn't a relationship necessarily, but because you vibed so well together, he wanted that with you.

Like you may possibly be using the wrong criteria for filtering men out.

I met my last ex on my second meet!   I had only met one man before him.

I talked to at least 50 men, but I used a different process to filter (like our energy, how well we vibed) but only met two, and the second guy became my boyfriend of three years.

I dunno, just a thought.

 

 

At the end of the day is all about being on the same wavelength.

If you like to risk and go with the flow, then you’ll be great meeting that type of men.

If on the other hand you know you are ready and want a relationship with the right person, then you’ll be great with a man like that too.

What I think doesn’t make sense is two people going out who want different things to start with. 

Maybe in my 20’s I would risk and do that, but I am in my 40’s now and want stability, maturity and feeling safe.

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You were extremely lucky. 

It's not the stories we hear on here right?

I have been on dates where the chemistry, energy and vibe was out of this world.....they usually disappeared after sex. To me chemistry, energy and vibe is a fabrication from men to get us to bed. 

I know I hear a lot of that too, it's sad and unfortunate.

For me, not sure it's luck, there's something else at play going on, perhaps a force in the Universe or something, lol.

I have never been "pumped and dumped."  But then again, I have only had sex with a handful of men (maybe a few more than a handful), and we have gone on to have either short or long term relationships.

Which is ironic because I am a very sexual girl, but only with the "right," man or "right for now" man; I told you I was weird!! 

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You were extremely lucky. 

It's not the stories we hear on here right?

I have been on dates where the chemistry, energy and vibe was out of this world.....they (men) usually disappeared after sex. To me chemistry, energy and vibe is a fabrication from men to get us to bed. 

Agree. I don’t go after chemistry, I prefer to go after shared values, life goals and personality instead. And that includes a man who says out loud he is ready for a relationship. To me that is sexy AF.

[Donnas]

Doesn't have to be redflags. just u both want deferent things.And it's your freedom to do so.

That's why you date and get to know people first to know them and see if it's what u both are looking for.

So if he is not it, don't tryna force it, end the dating respectfully, and move on.

[Donnas]

And it's good to ask first why ...ask a explanation.before taking stuff right away for weird crazy and so on.

Could have many reasons why someone sent date 10 years.

Just have conversations,and ask

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

To me chemistry, energy and vibe is a fabrication from men to get us to bed. 

Oh and yeah I have experienced men like this plenty!  But I can always tell it's BS, how?

Because *I* am not feeling the vibe and energy!  lol

And if I'm not feeling it, then how the hell can HE be feeling it?

Vibe/energy/chemistry is a mutual thing, not a one-sided thing.

What they were feeling was something else.

Most likely, physical attraction and the effect I had on his hormones and p*nis which is a whole different thing and easy to filter out, at least for me.

I could (and can) always tell the difference.

 

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

58 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

On the other hand, a guy not searching for a serious relationship may fall head or heels and want a serious RL with you!  Happened to me.

This is how it's always happened for me too.  I've never dated looking for anything but a fun time but would organically grow more serious.

[glows]

14 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Agree. I don’t go after chemistry, I prefer to go after shared values, life goals and personality instead. And that includes a man who says out loud he is ready for a relationship. To me that is sexy AF.

They can also be a bunch of meaningless words unfortunately.

Best to be careful and mindful that the person walks the talk. That can only come about with time and observing the other person.

Did he mention anything about his other interests or passions in life? How does he feel about his career? Or did both of you only about his past relationships? If you haven't had a chance to find out maybe this Sunday is a good idea.