Had a fun date, what do you think about this?

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

This - what I bolded above - is not what you said in your OP. You originally said:

What did he say, exactly?

What he said exactly was that he has been on his own for 10 years, only had a 2 year relationship where they lived together, and that in the past he used to want to find someone and have a family and children, but now he is not sure about that anymore.

So he didn’t say he wants something casual only, but also didn’t say he wants a serious relationship in his life (in general). 

I guess that is something I need to know.

[Emilyinroses]

53 minutes ago, Vitaminka said:

Just curious, how do you screen guys before meeting them? Do you ask them what they are looking for in a text or on the phone? How soon do you let them know that you are looking for a long term relationship ONLY? Asking right questions sooner rather than later is going to help you to weed out those guys who are looking for just casual fun stuff.

I seriously would pass on him. Not saying that he is a bad guy or anything like that, not at all. Everybody's priorities are different. But if a relationship is what you after, you need to realize that he is not it and you are going to waste your valuable time on him. Why is he even on your radar after he told you that he only wants a casual stuff?

I did tell him what I am looking for when we started talking, and he said to me what I just described in my post above this one.

He didn’t say he only wants casual, but didn’t say anything specific either.

He also said he misses having someone in his life and sharing moments, but that can also be in a friends with benefits situation, right!? Doesn’t necessarily means he wants a serious thing.

I feel he was a bit evasive to be honest.

I guess I need to know that.

Edited June 17, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Vitaminka]

8 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I did tell him what I am looking for when we started talking, and he said to me what I just described in my post above this one.

He didn’t say he only wants casual, but didn’t say anything specific either.

He also said he misses having someone in his life and sharing moments, but that can also be in a friends with benefits situation, right!? Doesn’t necessarily means he wants a serious thing.

I feel he was a bit evasive to be honest.

I guess I need to know that.

Oh, OK, so he wasn't quite honest about his true intentions from the start. Yes, you are absolutely right, he more than likely talking about FWB or something similar. Regardless, he told you that he only wants a casual thing on your date. I would suggest for you to stop wasting your valuable time and energy on this particular guy if you are on the hunt for a boyfriend/husband. 

[Emilyinroses]

16 minutes ago, Vitaminka said:

Oh, OK, so he wasn't quite honest about his true intentions from the start. Yes, you are absolutely right, he more than likely talking about FWB or something similar. Regardless, he told you that he only wants a casual thing on your date. I would suggest for you to stop wasting your valuable time and energy on this particular guy if you are on the hunt for a boyfriend/husband. 

He didn’t specifically say he only wants casual, he was evasive and so my conclusion was that he only wants casual.

I liked him but you are right I don’t want to waste my time if we’re not on the same page. 

I feel like I am going out with him again and have a conversation about expectations from both sides, and then take a decision.

In the meantime I am talking to other guys too.

[ShyViolet]

1 minute ago, Emilyinroses said:

He didn’t specifically say he only wants casual, he was evasive and so my conclusion was that he only wants casual.

I liked him but you are right I don’t want to waste my time if we’re not on the same page. 

I feel like I am going out with him again and have a conversation about expectations from both sides, and then take a decision.

In the meantime I am talking to other guys too.

He DIDN'T say he only wants casual.... I feel like you might be unfairly projecting things onto him that aren't even accurate.  He might be open to a relationship if it's with the right person.  You have no idea.  Don't assume his intentions if you don't even know.  You might be closing the door on a great guy based on assumptions that aren't even true.

Asking a guy on a first or second date if they are looking for a serious relationship is a great way to scare someone off.  That might be why he was evasive... maybe he thought it was a bit weird that you were talking about that on the first date.

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Asking a guy on a first or second date if they are looking for a serious relationship is a great way to scare someone off.  

I ask this question online in my 3rd or 4th message. If it makes them run, then they're free to run. 

Nowadays to catch a man it's like we have to hide behind bushes, catch them with a net, without letting them know our presence. 

There are men who want to be in a relationship, who are not afraid of commitment, who enjoy the togetherness of it all. Find one. 

Edited June 17, 2021 by Gaeta

[introverted1]

55 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

What he said exactly was that he has been on his own for 10 years, only had a 2 year relationship where they lived together, and that in the past he used to want to find someone and have a family and children, but now he is not sure about that anymore.

Do you see how much your own anxiety is coloring what he is saying?  He said "I was once certain I wanted a family but now I'm not sure" and you spun that into "I only want casual."

It's not clear whether he is unsure about wanting a family or unsure about being in a committed relationship.  Personally, I would let it play out a bit but, if you don't have the risk tolerance for that approach, have a conversation with him.  But you need to guard against hearing things that weren't said.

 

[poppyfields]

31 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

He DIDN'T say he only wants casual.... I feel like you might be unfairly projecting things onto him that aren't even accurate.  He might be open to a relationship if it's with the right person.  You have no idea.  Don't assume his intentions if you don't even know.  You might be closing the door on a great guy based on assumptions that aren't even true.

Asking a guy on a first or second date if they are looking for a serious relationship is a great way to scare someone off.  That might be why he was evasive... maybe he thought it was a bit weird that you were talking about that on the first date.

I agree with this^^.  I recently had a man tell me this exact same thing as well (as it pertains to other women not me), as I don’t need to ask a bunch of “qualifying” questions or filter out men for a “relationship.”  I don't need to , I simply observe actions and draw my conclusions from that - the natural way.

It’s best to allow things to develop gradually and naturally and your vibrations (vibes) to mesh. 

It doesn't matter what people "say," NO ONE knows what they want with a particular person in these very early stages, it takes spending time and getting to know someone to determine that.

The same man who claims he doesn’t want a RL, after spending time together, may very well want a RL with YOU (this has happened to me a couple of times), on the other hand a man may tell you he IS looking for a RL but after spending time together, not with you.

That’s how it works, so my advice is don’t bother even asking!    It’s irrelevant.

Spend time getting to know each other and OBSERVE.  He’s doing the same with you!

That’s how you “qualify” someone, by observing, not by asking arbitrary questions that have no meaning in the grand scheme.

RELAX and enjoy the process.  Stop overthinking everything and looking for “red flags.”

It’s the number one attraction killer for men - women who are constantly on the defensive, qualifying men, filtering for a “relationship,” it screams insecurity and that you don’t trust your own judgment and not comfortable with yourself, enough to allow things to develop naturally, and allowing chips to fall where they may no matter what the outcome turns out to be.

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

31 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I ask this question online in my 3rd or 4th message. If it makes them run, then they're free to run. 

Nowadays to catch a man it's like we have to hide behind bushes, catch them with a net, without letting them know our presence. 

There are men who want to be in a relationship, who are not afraid of commitment, who enjoy the togetherness of it all. Find one. 

Totally agree. I want a man who is on the same page as me, that knows what he wants, is direct about it and doesn’t leave space for the woman to question him. That to me is a MAN.

All the others that are evasive are scared guys and it doesn’t make me feel safe. It’s important to me to feel safe with a man.

So yes I ask that question too online. Not about what they want with me because it’s too early to know that, but about what they want in general.

Edited June 17, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with this^^.  I recently had a man tell me this exact same thing as well (as it pertains to other women not me), as I don’t need to ask a bunch of “qualifying” questions or filter out men for a “relationship.”  I don't need to , I simply observe actions and draw my conclusions from that - the natural way.

It’s best to allow things to develop gradually and naturally and your vibrations (vibes) to mesh. 

It doesn't matter what people "say," NO ONE knows what they want with a particular person in these very early stages, it takes spending time and getting to know someone to determine that.

The same man who claims he doesn’t want a RL, after spending time together, may very well want a RL with YOU (this has happened to me a couple of times), on the other hand a man may tell you he IS looking for a RL but after spending time together, not with you.

That’s how it works, so my advice is don’t bother even asking!    It’s irrelevant.

Spend time getting to know each other and OBSERVE.  He’s doing the same with you!

That’s how you “qualify” someone, by observing, not by asking arbitrary questions that have no meaning in the grand scheme.

RELAX and enjoy the process.  Stop overthinking everything and looking for “red flags.”

It’s the number one attraction killer for men - women who are constantly on the defensive, qualifying men, filtering for a “relationship,” it screams insecurity and that you don’t trust your own judgment and not comfortable with yourself, enough to allow things to develop naturally, and allowing chips to fall where they may no matter what the outcome turns out to be.

 

It’s not about what they want about ‘a particular person’ but about what they want in general in life, if they see themselves in a relationship with the right person or decided to only want casual and are closed to anything else.

THAT is important to know early on, to avoid further issues. To me is a totally normal question to ask.

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Totally agree. I want a man who is on the same page as me, that knows what he wants, is direct about it and doesn’t leave space for the woman to question him. That to me is a MAN.

All the others that are evasive are scared guys and it doesn’t make me feel safe. It’s important to me to feel safe with a man.

So yes I ask that question too online.

I don't think it's because they are "scared" or "evasive," it's because these questions feel like they're being interviewed for some role you have mapped out for them, it's not natural and doesn't feel good to them. 

It's a turn off not for the reasons you think (see my previous post).

Get on some men's sites, read what they have to say about this, you may be surprised.

 

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I don't think it's because they are "scared" or "evasive," it's because these questions feel like they're being interviewed for some role you have mapped out for them, it's not natural and doesn't feel good to them. 

It's a turn off not for the reasons you think (see my previous post).

 

 

Oh so I should let myself feel bad by not asking a totally normal question just so they feel good?

That doesn’t work for me, and from my experience many serious men ask that same question to women.

Also, if more women asked that question early on, there would be a LOT less posts in here from women who say the guys they are seeing don’t commit, and when asking them what they want, they respond ‘well you never asked before’.

Edited June 17, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

It’s not about what they want about ‘a particular person’ but about what they want in general in life, if they see themselves in a relationship with the right person or decided to only want casual and are closed to anything else.

THAT is important to know early on, to avoid further issues. To me is a totally normal question to ask.

Okay that's fine, whatever works.  Assuming it HAS been working, has it?

You've created several threads re dating issues you're experiencing, you might want to consider changing course, trying something different, experimenting?

Just a thought, your call.

Good luck!

 

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Oh so I should let myself feel bad by not asking a totally normal question just so they feel good?

That doesn’t work for me, and from my experience many serious men ask that same question to women.

Okay, again that's fine, whatever works.

We all have our own styles, just posting what has worked very well for me in connecting and developing relationships with men and what men themselves have conveyed to me, that's all.

No one said you have to follow my advice, if it doesn't jibe with you.

Again, good luck.

Edited June 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Okay that's fine, whatever works.  Assuming it HAS been working, has it?

You've created several threads re dating issues you're experiencing, you might want to consider changing course, trying something different, experimenting?

Just a thought, your call.

Good luck!

 

 

Me asking what they want is me doing something different, exactly.

In the past I wouldn’t ask and let things flow and ended up in hurt because of that. So this is me prioritizing how I feel and doing different.

Also, by asking early what they want I have avoided meeting in person:

- Men who are attached to others

- Men who just want sex

- Men who are hurt just coming out of a relationship 

- Men totally lost in life

- Men who want to commit too early too fast

So if not asking works for you, fine. To me is part of my screening process and avoiding future pain.

I admire if you can go with the flow like that, careless and free, but I’ve reached a point in my life I cannot be like that anymore. 

I date with my heart but take my head with me now.

Edited June 17, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Totally agree. I want a man who is on the same page as me, that knows what he wants, is direct about it and doesn’t leave space for the woman to question him. 

Even if someone is looking for the same thing as you and says as much that's not a guarantee that it will be with you.

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

In the past I wouldn’t ask and let things flow and ended up in hurt because of that. 

Emily, the reason it didn't work and you got hurt may not be because you didn't ask qualifying questions and allowed things to "flow," in fact I very much doubt that was the reason.

If you had been the right "person" for them, the right "fit," it may have very well worked out.

There are various aspects that would determine that so you may want to look within (as some others have suggested previously) to determine how your own defenses/anxiety/insecurity are causing the very thing you fear - rejection and you getting hurt.

It can become a vicious negative cycle.

Nuff said from me, all the best.

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Also, if more women asked that question early on, there would be a LOT less posts in here from women who say the guys they are seeing don’t commit, and when asking them what they want, they respond ‘well you never asked before’.

That is not what I'm seeing on this board.  I see that guys are saying "I'm not looking for anything serious",  "I'm not looking for a relationship right now", or flat out not getting back in touch and women trying to find ways to change their minds.

I do think men are interested in cheerful, fun women who don't come off too serious too soon.  

Edited June 17, 2021 by stillafool

[poppyfields]

>>Also, if more women asked that question early on, there would be a LOT less posts in here from women who say the guys they are seeing don’t commit, and when asking them what they want, they respond ‘well you never asked before’.

Okay that's BS, those guys are a-holes.

In my experience, men DO commit to the right person.  Even "players" for lack of a better word.  My second to last long term ex was a HUGE player when I met him.  But we clicked, we vibed, we were on the same wavelength and were together six years.

I don't have time to post what qualities women possess that would cause a man to fall in love and want to commit, but watch some Ester Perel videos to gain some insight about it, if you're interested.

She discusses many things including our vibrations (vibes) and being on the same wavelength and how those things impact our interactions/connections with others (the opposite sex); she's got some valuable insight, I learned a lot from her although much of what she espouses I knew already, instinctively.

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

25 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

That doesn’t work for me, and from my experience many serious men ask that same question to women.

I have been experimenting with this since I am back online dating. In the past couple of days every man I engaged in conversation with asked me first *what I was looking for* and they expressed strongly searching for a serious relationship and were not into playing games. These men exist. It does not mean they'll meet me and fall head over heels for me, we understand that. 

[Emilyinroses]

23 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Even if someone is looking for the same thing as you and says as much that's not a guarantee that it will be with you.

It’s not a guarantee I’ll be with them either.

But at least we want the same things to start with.

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I do think men are interested in cheerful, fun women who don't come off too serious too soon.  

Oh dear, I am as cheerful as it gets! I am bubbly, I flirt, I can laugh at myself but I ain't going for a coffee with a man that 'wants to go with the flow'. 

[Emilyinroses]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I have been experimenting with this since I am back online dating. In the past couple of days every man I engaged in conversation with asked me first *what I was looking for* and they expressed strongly searching for a serious relationship and were not into playing games. These men exist. It does not mean they'll meet me and fall head over heels for me, we understand that. 

Exactly, that’s what I am trying to say here.

People think I want to know if they are serious about me early on, but NO that’s not what I want to know, because at that early stage I don’t know either how I feel about them in specific.

The question ‘what are you looking for’ is more to see if we are both on the same page to start with. 

And yes I want to go out with men who are ready and say out loud they too want a relationship with the right person.

[Gaeta]

@Emilyinroses: As he asked you on that 2nd date yet?

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Oh dear, I am as cheerful as it gets! I am bubbly, I flirt, I can laugh at myself but I ain't going for a coffee with a man that 'wants to go with the flow'. 

Only dead fish go with the flow.