Had a fun date, what do you think about this?

[Emilyinroses]

Hi guys! I have been more optimistic about dating and met a nice guy on a dating App.

After messaging for a few days and talking on the phone, we met today for coffee for the first time.

It went really well, it was fun, we have a lot in common and think alike in many things. After the coffee we went for a walk and then when saying goodbye he mentioned for us to meet again soon, something I want too.

There was just two things that I am not sure are red flags?

One is the fact he has been out of a relationship for 10 years, which is a lot! And also his last relationship lasted less than 2 years.

The other one is the fact he said that many years ago he wanted a serious relationship and have his own family, but never happened and now he is not sure anymore he wants that...

I do want something serious and long-term and possibly have my own family, so that worries me if he doesn’t know what he wants. I don’t want just something casual.

Is this a red flag or just something I can dig deeper into in the next dates? Thank you.

Edited June 16, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[ShyViolet]

3 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

The other one is the fact he said that many years ago he wanted a serious relationship and have his own family, but never happened and now he is not sure anymore he wants that...

I do want something serious and long-term and possibly have my own family, so that worries me if he doesn’t know what he wants. I don’t want just something casual.

Is this a red flag or just something I can dig deeper into in the next dates? Thank you.

He says he is "not sure" he wants a family.  You are saying you "possibly" want a family.  Both of those are not even definitive statements.

Slow WAYYY down, don't think too far ahead, and remember that this is a guy who you have gone on ONE coffee date with.  If you liked him then see him again and just see how things go.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I do want something serious and long-term and possibly have my own family,

Did you tell him this and what did he say?

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

There was just two things that I am not sure are red flags?

One is the fact he has been out of a relationship for 10 years, which is a lot! And also his last relationship lasted less than 2 years.

The other one is the fact he said that many years ago he wanted a serious relationship and have his own family, but never happened and now he is not sure anymore he wants that...

He's not sure because he hasn't met anyone that would cause him to be sure.  And it takes a long time to "be sure," at least a year or in many cases longer.

Slow down Emily is my advice.  Stop looking or focusing on "red flags."

If we're over 30, we ALL have things in our life that might be considered red flags.

Continue dating him and enjoy!  Show him who you are.  Be happy, open, independent, flexible.

Low pressure, let it develop slowing and naturally, no forcing, no pushing.

Most of all -- try to not overthink everything, and have fun!!

Edited June 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

17 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I do want something serious and long-term and possibly have my own family, so that worries me if he doesn’t know what he wants.

Aren't you in your 40's or am I confusing you with another poster?

In any case, assuming you are of child-bearing age and will still be in ~2 years (a logical time frame when you would be ready to start a family with someone you are just meeting now), I would say you have some time to see where things go.  Lots of people don't think about/want a family in the abstract but feel differently when they actually have found a partner they love.  I think that on a first meet what he said is fine. 

I understand that there's a feeling that people should vet one another on a first meet, but I think this has to be tempered with the realisation that you are essentially strangers at this point, and not everyone is so set on a particular outcome that they give voice to it on a first meeting.  I'd let it play out a bit and see where you are in 8-12 dates.

 

Edited June 16, 2021 by introverted1

[smackie9]

He doesn't want a family...and the possibility of something serious most likely won't happen. That's my take on it. This guy lacks confidence in what he wants to do with his life...the 10 years is proof of that.

[Gaeta]

34 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

One is the fact he has been out of a relationship for 10 years, which is a lot! And also his last relationship lasted less than 2 years.

The other one is the fact he said that many years ago he wanted a serious relationship and have his own family, but never happened and now he is not sure anymore he wants that...

I was myself out of a relationship for 8 years so I don't really see this as a red flag. It depends how he presented it to you? I personally was concentrating on building a career and putting in 75  hours a week at the office, I was highly driven. 

As for wanting a family why is he not sure anymore? Has he reached an age he's questionning if it's still a priority for him?

[Ami1uwant]

54 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Hi guys! I have been more optimistic about dating and met a nice guy on a dating App.

After messaging for a few days and talking on the phone, we met today for coffee for the first time.

It went really well, it was fun, we have a lot in common and think alike in many things. After the coffee we went for a walk and then when saying goodbye he mentioned for us to meet again soon, something I want too.

There was just two things that I am not sure are red flags?

One is the fact he has been out of a relationship for 10 years, which is a lot! And also his last relationship lasted less than 2 years.

The other one is the fact he said that many years ago he wanted a serious relationship and have his own family, but never happened and now he is not sure anymore he wants that...

I do want something serious and long-term and possibly have my own family, so that worries me if he doesn’t know what he wants. I don’t want just something casual.

Is this a red flag or just something I can dig deeper into in the next dates? Thank you.

 

these are not red flags.....

 

he said his last LTR was 10 yrs ago. What about other dating thst didn’t become super serious thst lasted under 6 months?  
 

what about his career? If he has bern a senior levrl person he might have moved every 2-3 yrs to different locations?  
 

for me personally, I thought I would have children and a family. I was married but didn’t want kids in that problem relationship. My next very serious relationship, she already had children and didn’t want any more kids, now at my age, I doubt I’d have kids.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

that worries me if he doesn’t know what he wants. 

Is this a red flag or just something I can dig deeper into in the next dates? 

Exactly, don't get ahead of yourself. Wait until there is another date. 

He knows what he wants. No serious relationships or family.

Not a red flag per se, but if you want those things, cut your losses and don't accept another date.

[Emilyinroses]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly, don't get ahead of yourself. Wait until there is another date. 

He knows what he wants. No serious relationships or family.

Not a red flag per se, but if you want those things, cut your losses and don't accept another date.

He didn’t say he doesn’t want those things, he said he is not sure he still wants that.

Anyway I liked him and the date, so I am going to see him at least once again and see what happens.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

He didn’t say he doesn’t want those things, he said he is not sure he still wants that.

Anyway I liked him and the date, so I am going to see him at least once again and see what happens.

Seeing him is nice, but would be more productive if you asked all the right questions early

 

[Blind-Sided]

Time between a relationship is not a flag in any way.  Maybe he was hurt bad, and took time to recover.  Maybe he was busy with work... maybe he really just wanted to find himself.

As far as wanting a family... before I could answer that question.... How old are you two?  But regardless of age, it's only a flag if you really want/need a family of your own.  But if you are in your 40's... the the realty of finding a guy who wants to start a family at that age is slim.  And honestly... I don't think it's fair to the kid.  I know my exW was an accident, as her mother was not supposed to be able to have any more children.  And, she told me stories about how her folks would come to school events, and people would ask if it was her grandparents.  Also... starting a family in your 40's is hard on you.  You don't have the energy to chase around a toddler any longer... and when that child is a teen... you will be approaching 60.  At that age, there will be a huge disconnect in culture, and you won't want to understand your kid. (ln things like music, games, and trends) 

Anyway... go out on a few dates before figuring that out. 

[introverted1]

So I did remember your age correctly:

It doesn't sound like babies will be feasible, unless you have frozen your eggs.  Even then, many people have legitimate concerns about becoming parents in their later 40's and 50's.  I am not hearing anything untoward in him saying he isn't sure he wants a family.

Is your concern really about babies or are you just looking to screen him out?

 

[Emilyinroses]

56 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

So I did remember your age correctly:

It doesn't sound like babies will be feasible, unless you have frozen your eggs.  Even then, many people have legitimate concerns about becoming parents in their later 40's and 50's.  I am not hearing anything untoward in him saying he isn't sure he wants a family.

Is your concern really about babies or are you just looking to screen him out?

 

Well maybe I wasn’t clear here. I don’t want to have more babies. I don’t have the energy or motivation for that. So it would be an issue if he was indeed looking for a woman to have babies with.

My concern is by him saying he is not sure he wants a family anymore, and he also said he’s very used to be on his own, that he is not looking for a committed relationship but only casual stuff. 

That is my concern. 

I don’t want babies but I want a commited relationship.
 

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Well maybe I wasn’t clear here. I don’t want to have more babies. I don’t have the energy or motivation for that. So it would be an issue if he was indeed looking for a woman to have babies with.

My concern is by him saying he is not sure he wants a family anymore, and he also said he’s very used to be on his own, that he is not looking for a committed relationship but only casual stuff. 

I don't understand the above bolded statements.  They contradict each other.  He's made it clear he doesn't want a commited relationship but you do.  As long as you date him not expecting anything go forward because you aren't going to get it.

[Fletch Lives]

Those things sound minor to me, especially after only one date. Not everything is a red flag.

[glows]

He sounds like a waste of time unfortunately. If you enjoy his company meet him again but otherwise, don't take this too seriously if your views don't align.

[chillii]

32 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Well maybe I wasn’t clear here. I don’t want to have more babies. I don’t have the energy or motivation for that. So it would be an issue if he was indeed looking for a woman to have babies with.

My concern is by him saying he is not sure he wants a family anymore, and he also said he’s very used to be on his own, that he is not looking for a committed relationship but only casual stuff. 

That is my concern. 

I don’t want babies but I want a commited relationship.
 

 

 

The extra also there makes all the difference , he's told you right there. So in that case if you wanna add the 10yrs single and only a 2yr relationship to that too, no hope sorry. But eh , give it another date or two if you want , make sure.

 

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by chillii

[SumGuy]

18 hours ago, poppyfields said:

He's not sure because he hasn't met anyone that would cause him to be sure.  And it takes a long time to "be sure," at least a year or in many cases longer.

Slow down Emily is my advice.  Stop looking or focusing on "red flags."

If we're over 30, we ALL have things in our life that might be considered red flags.

Continue dating him and enjoy!  Show him who you are.  Be happy, open, independent, flexible.

Low pressure, let it develop slowing and naturally, no forcing, no pushing.

Most of all -- try to not overthink everything, and have fun!!

This.

As above, I don't think any of this is a red flag especially on a first coffee date.  

I don't understand the concern that he is not sure he wants a family as you are sure you do not, as in have children together.   Having a family is different than marriage in my book.

[Alpacalia]

Well it's only been one coffee date.

I understand you want something long-term, but after a few dates, you may decide that he is not someone with whom you want to be in a relationship, or that you are not compatible in other ways.

 

 

[smackie9]

Instead of calling it as red flags, lets just relabel it as a difference in expectations. Yes that's concerning. He clearly states he is happy being a bachelor and is only interested in casual stuff, hence never been married, etc, and the 10 year span of just dating. That should be a dealbreaker because that's not meeting your expectation of wanting a committed relationship. it's a no brainer.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

He also saidh he’s very used to be on his own, that he is not looking for a committed relationship but only casual stuff. 

This is vital information to your story, not sure why it's just coming out now. 

I would pass if I were you. 

[FMW]

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

he is not looking for a committed relationship but only casual stuff. 

That seems pretty clear to me.  You want a committed relationship, not something casual.  He's telling you clearly he's not looking for what you are.  None of the rest you mentioned matters.

Maybe he'll change his mind if he meets the right woman, but don't keep seeing him with the hope you'll be that woman.

[introverted1]

4 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

My concern is by him saying he is not sure he wants a family anymore, and he also said he’s very used to be on his own, that he is not looking for a committed relationship but only casual stuff. 

This - what I bolded above - is not what you said in your OP. You originally said:

Quote

The other one is the fact he said that many years ago he wanted a serious relationship and have his own family, but never happened and now he is not sure anymore he wants that...

What did he say, exactly?

[Vitaminka]

5 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

My concern is by him saying he is not sure he wants a family anymore, and he also said he’s very used to be on his own, that he is not looking for a committed relationship but only casual stuff. 

Just curious, how do you screen guys before meeting them? Do you ask them what they are looking for in a text or on the phone? How soon do you let them know that you are looking for a long term relationship ONLY? Asking right questions sooner rather than later is going to help you to weed out those guys who are looking for just casual fun stuff.

I seriously would pass on him. Not saying that he is a bad guy or anything like that, not at all. Everybody's priorities are different. But if a relationship is what you after, you need to realize that he is not it and you are going to waste your valuable time on him. Why is he even on your radar after he told you that he only wants a casual stuff?

Edited June 17, 2021 by Vitaminka