Author Girlcapri Posted June 18, 2021 Author Posted June 18, 2021 37 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Maybe it is as simple as his son did not like you. 10 months is not long, I guess having an alcoholic mother is hard going, the son may not be ready to get invested again, his father may recognise that. "Daddy please stop seeing that woman, I don't like her..." - not a lot anyone can say to that... Whatever the real reason, why would you went to get involved in such a mess? Alcoholics leave chaos in their wake, it is a blessing in disguise he decided to end it with you. His son is only 3 years old, in fact he liked me a lot even when l wasn’t there he said to him he missed me.. It’s not that and l also believe everyone deserves happiness no matter of their past.
chillii Posted June 20, 2021 Posted June 20, 2021 (edited) He shouldn't have even be letting you near his son so soon that was bloody irresponsible of him. So you see the poor kid loses another mummy figure and he'll be upset for wks if he was missing you already before this. Thing is though , you saw each other awhile he tells you stuff while still so new , but in time he sees it's maybe not for him after all. Something might've happened yeah except for the fact that he told you, he can't have a relationship right now or whatever he said. Any kisses now well of course , that doesn't mean he doesn't still like you and you were very close for awhile , so it's just friendly affection sorry, being nice. Edited June 20, 2021 by chillii
Author Girlcapri Posted June 21, 2021 Author Posted June 21, 2021 I had a message from him saying he misses me and can’t stop thinking about me, he said he’s made a mistake and now wants a relationship. He thought he likes to do his own thing, as he’s used to it and when l came in his life he freaked out. He wants to prove me that lm important and he’s asking for a second chance.. Guys, what do l do now…For now l just said l need to think about everything
ExpatInItaly Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Girlcapri said: I had a message from him saying he misses me and can’t stop thinking about me, he said he’s made a mistake and now wants a relationship. Beware, OP. People who flip-flop that fast are often not telling you the whole truth. He is all over the map, and that inconsistency is already causing problems. This is likely to become more problematic as time goes on. And anyway, he's not exactly Mr. Rational if he's introducing his young son to a woman he's known all of one month. That is not a shot at you, but it speaks to his lack of sound judgment and common sense. That was way too soon to meet his kid. Then goes cold on you, now hot again. Is he on-off with his ex? I would seriously be wondering if she were a factor in his sudden turnarounds. I would personally not proceed with this guy. Up to you if you want to overlook these red flags. Edited June 21, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 1
basil67 Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 (edited) All of what Expat said, and there's also the issue that he makes his living doing illegal stuff. I reckon you could do better than a crim for a bf. Edited June 21, 2021 by basil67 1
Author Girlcapri Posted June 21, 2021 Author Posted June 21, 2021 30 minutes ago, basil67 said: All of what Expat said, and there's also the issue that he makes his living doing illegal stuff. I reckon you could do better than a crim for a bf. Yes l know..
Author Girlcapri Posted June 21, 2021 Author Posted June 21, 2021 He is asking me for a dinner, l know l want to see him and hear him out, but l need to play it cool.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, basil67 said: there's also the issue that he makes his living doing illegal stuff. Yes, also this. I would not sink to that level and date someone like this, OP. It won't be worth it. You need to raise your standards for the men you let in your life. Edited June 21, 2021 by ExpatInItaly
Wiseman2 Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 5 hours ago, Girlcapri said: he’s used to it and when l came in his life he freaked out. On/off relationships simply cycle from drama to drama. He will "freak out" again then want "another chance" again and so on. Cut your losses and invest in someone who doesn't "freak out " when in a relationship. 2
poppyfields Posted June 21, 2021 Posted June 21, 2021 (edited) On 6/17/2021 at 6:21 PM, poppyfields said: IF he should miss you and wants to give this another whirl, he knows where to find you. BUT even if that does happen, I do not recommend jumping back in. Because many times what happens is he (or she if roles are reversed) WILL miss you, they WILL begin "longing" for you (different from loving) and that missing and longing will trick them into thinking they love you and want you back. But that's not the case typically, because once they have you back, and no longer miss you or long for you, they want OUT again. The off/on dynamic can become a vicious cycle. So be careful of that. Not sure if you read my earlier post, but what's quoted above applies here, specifically the bolded. I have a lot of experience with this, including experiencing those same feelings myself (missing and longing and wanting my ex back, but once back together, wanting out again). There are also stories like this all over the internet, I would suggest doing due diligence before jumping back in. It's part and parcel of someone with commitment issues (owning it and working through). If you choose to go back, you can expect another "freak out" I can almost guarantee it! That said, you might have to learn this yourself, so sure give a second chance, if he "freaks out" again, make a promise to yourself that you are DONE for good... Edited June 21, 2021 by poppyfields 1
spiderowl Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 22 hours ago, basil67 said: All of what Expat said, and there's also the issue that he makes his living doing illegal stuff. I reckon you could do better than a crim for a bf. And bearing in mind that criminals are accomplished liars
Author Girlcapri Posted June 22, 2021 Author Posted June 22, 2021 15 hours ago, poppyfields said: Not sure if you read my earlier post, but what's quoted above applies here, specifically the bolded. I have a lot of experience with this, including experiencing those same feelings myself (missing and longing and wanting my ex back, but once back together, wanting out again). There are also stories like this all over the internet, I would suggest doing due diligence before jumping back in. It's part and parcel of someone with commitment issues (owning it and working through). If you choose to go back, you can expect another "freak out" I can almost guarantee it! That said, you might have to learn this yourself, so sure give a second chance, if he "freaks out" again, make a promise to yourself that you are DONE for good... Yes l read this, but what are you saying then no more chances. So if something happens we just walk away from people.. l learned from our mistake , we jumped into things too quick, l am planning on taking things slowly and seeing where things goes l think.
Wiseman2 Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 26 minutes ago, Girlcapri said: l am planning on taking things slowly and seeing where things goes l think. Ok good idea. This way you can be FWB and take the pressure off.
Author Girlcapri Posted June 22, 2021 Author Posted June 22, 2021 Just now, Wiseman2 said: Ok good idea. This way you can be FWB and take the pressure off. Not sure we want to be FWB lol, he said he wants a relationship and is trying to show me that so l simply give him a chance.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 2 hours ago, Girlcapri said: but what are you saying then no more chances. So if something happens we just walk away from people. Yes, sometimes that is exactly what we need to do. Especially when you see these sorts of red flags within only 30 days
Alpacalia Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 3 hours ago, Girlcapri said: So if something happens we just walk away from people Yes. Because if it is intangible, it can never end because there is nothing to finish. And if it never ends, there will be no genuine finality, no chance to move on until he moves on to his next lover. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 6 hours ago, Girlcapri said: Not sure we want to be FWB . Ok if you don't want on/off, freak-outs, etc., then step back and consider dating guys who want what you want.
poppyfields Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 (edited) 11 hours ago, Girlcapri said: Yes l read this, but what are you saying then no more chances. So if something happens we just walk away from people.. l learned from our mistake , we jumped into things too quick, l am planning on taking things slowly and seeing where things goes l think. That's not what I said. I said it's okay if you want to give a second chance; once you're back together, OBSERVE his behavior. And you need to modify your behavior as well, which may be why or one reason why he "freaked out" in the first place. Slowly, gradually, no pushing, no heavy talks about the "relationship." Let it all happen, gradually and naturally, one day at a time. IF he freaks out again, then you walk away for good. Not doing so is establishing a very unhealthy and toxic pattern of him freaking out when things get too close, running away, and then a week later (or whenever), missing you/longing for you and wanting you back. I just need to say one more thing though. A week ago you posted he told you he did not want a relationship with you. Now, a week later, he does? Ask him what the hell happened in that's week's time that caused him to change his mind because the same issues that caused him to NOT want a relationship, after only one week, are still going to be there! It takes a long time, years sometimes to reconcile commitment fears and anxieties that cause some people to freak out and run from a potential relationship. If you're inclined to give this a second chance, proceed with caution. Observe, observe, observe, that's all I can say. If you're not smart about this, this situation has the potential of shattering your heart in a million little pieces. Like I suggested earlier, research commitment fears/anxiety, avoidant attachment and read stories from people who carried on toxic off/on relationships with such people often for years. Devastating them.... Is that what you want for yourself? Again, give one more chance. If it happens again, wish him well and walk. Personally, I don't believe he knows that the hell he wants. He had you, he ran away from you. Now that you're gone, he misses you. Boo hoo. I have no sympathy. Sorry. TAKE CARE OF YOU!! Edited June 22, 2021 by poppyfields 1
poppyfields Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 (edited) To add to previous post, IF it was going too fast, and that's why he "freaked out," he did NOT need to end the RL, telling you he did not want a relationship with you. You could have discussed it like two mature adults and chose to slow things down. Think about that. JMO based on what you've written, he sounds conflicted, but see how it plays out a second time. Personally, based on my own experience with commitment fears/anxieties and fears/anxieties a couple of my boyfriends have struggled with as well, I don't envision this ending well for you, I hope I'm wrong. All the best. Edited June 22, 2021 by poppyfields
Author Girlcapri Posted June 23, 2021 Author Posted June 23, 2021 11 hours ago, poppyfields said: To add to previous post, IF it was going too fast, and that's why he "freaked out," he did NOT need to end the RL, telling you he did not want a relationship with you. You could have discussed it like two mature adults and chose to slow things down. Think about that. JMO based on what you've written, he sounds conflicted, but see how it plays out a second time. Personally, based on my own experience with commitment fears/anxieties and fears/anxieties a couple of my boyfriends have struggled with as well, I don't envision this ending well for you, I hope I'm wrong. All the best. That was the first thing l asked him, what happened. He said that he’s been with his ex previously who was controlling him, jealous etc and he thought that l be the same that he can’t live his life how he’s used to it. I think he was testing me a little bit maybe, trying to bring out the worse in me, see if l will be a crazy b****.. I said to him, just be yourself and talk to me if you have any thoughts or doubts, l will try and understand. He admit that sometimes he gets in his head and l see that, so lm ready for what ever the future brings, l gave him a second chance.
Wiseman2 Posted June 23, 2021 Posted June 23, 2021 1 hour ago, Girlcapri said: . I think he was testing me a little bit maybe, trying to bring out the worse in me, You are sure to get your heart broken when you get caught up in their on/off nonsense like this. He's not testing you. He's looking for someone when he's fighting with his GF. You're trying to be "the cool GF", but sadly you're selling out to someone who'll dump you whenever it's convenient for him. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 23, 2021 Posted June 23, 2021 2 hours ago, Girlcapri said: I think he was testing me a little bit maybe, trying to bring out the worse in me, see if l will be a crazy b****.. If that's what he is doing, he is not at all ready for a relationship.
Gaeta Posted June 23, 2021 Posted June 23, 2021 7 hours ago, Girlcapri said: I think he was testing me a little bit maybe, trying to bring out the worse in me, see if l will be a crazy b****.. Because being 'tested' is acceptable to you? I've noticed that sometimes people excuses bad behaviors with *oh he didn't do that on purpose, he was testing me* . I don't see where that makes ok, actually it's worse in my eyes. That being said I don't think he was testing you. I think he had someone else in mind and it didn't materialize so he's back. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 24, 2021 Posted June 24, 2021 15 hours ago, Gaeta said: That being said I don't think he was testing you. I think he had someone else in mind and it didn't materialize so he's back. That is precisely my read on it, too.
Author Girlcapri Posted June 28, 2021 Author Posted June 28, 2021 We spend the week together, l met his friends and family and he’s gone cold again.. He said he’s not feeling it, he wanted to try and now he not feeling it. Lol Why the hell introduce me to anyone, why do this to me. I learned my lesson l let his messages sink to the bottom of my spam now.. Just so so hurt..
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