Is it worth a try

[Mrin]

Dude here. Ya, the "I'm not ready for a relationship" thing is an ender I'm afraid. There is no way to salvage this while still talking to him. Best thing you can do is cut all communication. If he does reach back out to you, don't respond. He almost certainly will because he misses the sex. Don't respond unless he texts something that the equivalent of "ok I am ready for a relationship with you". And then, only then, respond and have a deep conversation on what that actually means prior to giving him any sex. 

[Sun Seeker]

No it is not worth a try. There is no way back from him telling you he is not ready for a relationship.. which translates to he is not ready for a relationship with YOU. I'm a Virgo myself and believe me, we are very picky. When we decide someone is not for us long term, there is literally no coming back from that ever.

Any contact he is making with you now to fix your car etc is because he wants to carry on having sex with you and keep it FWB. If you meet up with him again you are giving the signal that you are OK with it just staying casual, as he has told you that's all it will ever be.

[ShyViolet]

10 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I don't agree with that.  Feelings are far more dynamic and nuanced than that.  You can like one person and like another person a little more.

If someone tells you "I'm not ready for a relationship", you are more than welcome to continue holding out hope that they are still interested, but in the vast majority of cases you would be kidding yourself and wasting your time.  Everyone knows that the "I'm not ready for a relationship" line usually means they're letting you down easy and they're not interested.  Sure there are exceptions to everything.

 

12 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Why do you think it's games?

Is it possible that he actually cares about her and feels badly about hurting her feelings?

He gave her the "I'm not ready for a relationship" line.  Now he is backtracking and wanting to keep contact going.  He's flip-flopping.  She is free to engage in this if she wants, but this flip-flopping amounts to playing with her feelings.  Most people would view it as a waste of time and move on.  Even if he cares about her feelings now, ok great, what good does that do her?  He rejected her and made it clear he doesn't want a relationship, so her best course of action would be the same..... to move on and not waste energy on this.

[Girlcapri]

17 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I don't agree with that.  Feelings are far more dynamic and nuanced than that.  You can like one person and like another person a little more.

 

Why do you think it's games?

Is it possible that he actually cares about her and feels badly about hurting her feelings?

And l would love to just talk to him no see what actually happened.. l don’t know but l have a feeling it’s some kind of overthinking 

[dramafreezone]

9 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

He gave her the "I'm not ready for a relationship" line.  Now he is backtracking and wanting to keep contact going.  He's flip-flopping.  She is free to engage in this if she wants, but this flip-flopping amounts to playing with her feelings.  Most people would view it as a waste of time and move on.  Even if he cares about her feelings now, ok great, what good does that do her?  He rejected her and made it clear he doesn't want a relationship, so her best course of action would be the same..... to move on and not waste energy on this.

Where did he backtrack?  Keeping contact with her is backtracking?  Showing her that he cares is flip flopping?  You can care about someone without being in a relationship.

I just have a problem with this characterization of him as being manipulative or deliberately hurtful.  Feelings aren't something that you can just cut off like a faucet, right?  And men are just consistently portrayed in a bad light here and it doesn't serve anyone well, it just sows mistrust.  Romance is tough, and it's risky.  People get hurt, it doesn't mean people are out to do it to someone else intentionally.

I do agree that perhaps she should just cut off contact if she feels she's growing attached to him. 

Edited June 16, 2021 by dramafreezone

[ShyViolet]

3 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Where did he backtrack?  Keeping contact with her is backtracking?  Showing her that he cares is flip flopping?  You can care about someone without being in a relationship.

I just have a problem with this characterization of him as being manipulative or deliberately hurtful.  Feelings aren't something that you can just cut off like a faucet, right?

I never said that he was being manipulative or deliberately hurtful.  But SHE needs to make a decision for herself now.  She wanted a relationship, and he told her he does not want one.  I think it's counterproductive to remain in this limbo with him and stay in contact... unless both parties are truly ok with a FWB situation.

[Gaeta]

21 minutes ago, Girlcapri said:

And l would love to just talk to him no see what actually happened.. l don’t know but l have a feeling it’s some kind of overthinking 

But does it matter what happenned? No matter the reason he's gone and does not want to be in a relationship with you. 

[introverted1]

48 minutes ago, Girlcapri said:

And l would love to just talk to him no see what actually happened.. l don’t know but l have a feeling it’s some kind of overthinking 

What actually happened is that he has decided he's had enough.

It doesn't matter if it's because he met someone he likes more, or an ex has come back into his life, or he discovered things about you that he decided aren't what he's looking for in an LTR, or or or...  No matter what the reason is, the bottom line remains that he doesn't want a relationship with you.  Pressing him for an answer won't change that. At best, it'll lead to confusing and conflicting statements made by him in an effort not to hurt you.  At worst, it'll lead to statements that do hurt you.

This is one of many reasons why it's not a good idea to rush into things so quickly:  You saw him every day for a month, met his son, had many sleepovers.  This all created a false sense that there was a relationship.  In fact, it was just a month of dating, and dating often fizzles out within the first month or two.

it was only a month.  It'll sting for a bit but then you can move on and date a guy who wants to date you.

 

Edited June 16, 2021 by introverted1

[dramafreezone]

47 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I never said that he was being manipulative or deliberately hurtful.  But SHE needs to make a decision for herself now.  She wanted a relationship, and he told her he does not want one.  I think it's counterproductive to remain in this limbo with him and stay in contact... unless both parties are truly ok with a FWB situation.

Well, you said he was "playing games."  That sounds like you think he was deliberately doing it.

Just because people act in a contradictory manner doesn't mean that they're playing games.  It means that they may be confused.  That's what happens when you make a logical decision that's at odds with emotions, your logic and your heart wrestle for control.  I only make the distinction because if people think every time someone acts inconsistently is playing games then they're going to run low on potential dating prospects.

Edited June 16, 2021 by dramafreezone

[ShyViolet]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

Well, you said he was "playing games."  That sounds like you think he was deliberately doing it.

Just because people act in a contradictory manner doesn't mean that they're playing games.  It means that they may be confused.  That's what happens when you make a logical decision that's at odds with emotions, your logic and your heart wrestle for control.  I only make the distinction because if people think every time someone acts inconsistently is playing games then they're going to run low on potential dating prospects.

I did not mean that he is deliberately hurting her.  He could be the nicest guy.  Honestly, it really does not matter.  The only fact that matters is that he does not want a relationship with her, and he told her so.  She needs to do the logical thing and listen to what he has told her, and not keep herself stuck in a limbo with him.

[stillafool]

55 minutes ago, Girlcapri said:

And l would love to just talk to him no see what actually happened.. l don’t know but l have a feeling it’s some kind of overthinking 

No, he meant exactly what he said you just don't want to believe it.  Don't try to persuade him differently or it won't turn out well for you.

[Ami1uwant]

6 hours ago, Girlcapri said:

I am trying to understand why is done that l mean if he likes me then what the heck..

does he have custody of son? If not what’s the visitation?  There are many rules on when you should introduce kids to new people you are dating based on time since separation and kids age.  Some are very interested but slow it doen because they also have a child.  They want to make sure this relationship is safe before introducing the child.

maybe he just wants casual right now?

are you the first one he has dated since last relationship?  You don’t know you are ready to date again until you actually date.

 

[Girlcapri]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

does he have custody of son? If not what’s the visitation?  There are many rules on when you should introduce kids to new people you are dating based on time since separation and kids age.  Some are very interested but slow it doen because they also have a child.  They want to make sure this relationship is safe before introducing the child.

maybe he just wants casual right now?

are you the first one he has dated since last relationship?  You don’t know you are ready to date again until you actually date.

 

He has a custody of his son. And yes l was the first one he dated after 10 months. After my first visit to his house he said lm sorry if l was strange as u were the first person to come in since his breakup. His ex is an alcoholic, so l don’t think he would go back with her because he even stopped drinking himself now because he wants to take care of his son. Something that l don’t understand is, he is not doing right things for a living and l can’t mention it in here, but he told me all his secrets, why would a man want to expose himself if he doesn’t want a relationship.He kept saying how he wants a partner, how he missing me and how he wants to do things with me. I know all u guys saying l should not question anything, but lm hurt, l actually liked him, l came lut of a bad relationship and just wanted someone to cuddle, to spend time with. Not even class this as a relationship l even said that to him, l wanted a friend to start with.. l wanted a company, l enjoyed talking to him we were similar on so many levels, l just really miss him right now.

Edited June 16, 2021 by Girlcapri

[Ami1uwant]

18 minutes ago, Girlcapri said:

He has a custody of his son. And yes l was the first one he dated after 10 months. After my first visit to his house he said lm sorry if l was strange as u were the first person to come in since his breakup. His ex is an alcoholic, so l don’t think he would go back with her because he even stopped drinking himself now because he wants to take care of his son. Something that l don’t understand is, he is not doing right things for a living and l can’t mention it in here, but he told me all his secrets, why would a man want to expose himself if he doesn’t want a relationship.He kept saying how he wants a partner, how he missing me and how he wants to do things with me. I know all u guys saying l should not question anything, but lm hurt, l actually liked him, l came lut of a bad relationship and just wanted someone to cuddle, to spend time with. Not even class this as a relationship l even said that to him, l wanted a friend to start with.. l wanted a company, l enjoyed talking to him we were similar on so many levels, l just really miss him right now.

Another factor....he opened up too much to early.  Thus withdrawal.  Similar with women....she slept with him to early and pulls away or ghosts because of feeling shameful.

 

he came out of a relationship and doesn’t know how to date now.

 

 

[glows]

26 minutes ago, Girlcapri said:

He has a custody of his son. And yes l was the first one he dated after 10 months. After my first visit to his house he said lm sorry if l was strange as u were the first person to come in since his breakup. His ex is an alcoholic, so l don’t think he would go back with her because he even stopped drinking himself now because he wants to take care of his son. Something that l don’t understand is, he is not doing right things for a living and l can’t mention it in here, but he told me all his secrets, why would a man want to expose himself if he doesn’t want a relationship.He kept saying how he wants a partner, how he missing me and how he wants to do things with me. I know all u guys saying l should not question anything, but lm hurt, l actually liked him, l came lut of a bad relationship and just wanted someone to cuddle, to spend time with. Not even class this as a relationship l even said that to him, l wanted a friend to start with.. l wanted a company, l enjoyed talking to him we were similar on so many levels, l just really miss him right now.

You miss him because he was a rebound after a bad relationship where you weren't treated well. This means you're still recovering not only from your original break up but now the rejection of this person you were seeing. It's a 2-for-1. Do you not see this? You already were at a low point but you're responding to all your impulses with knee jerk reactions and with twice the force or hardship and hurt. Stay single for awhile and avoid these situations. You'll keep repeating the same mistakes and dating unavailable men and being treated in the same way.

[Girlcapri]

19 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Another factor....he opened up too much to early.  Thus withdrawal.  Similar with women....she slept with him to early and pulls away or ghosts because of feeling shameful.

 

he came out of a relationship and doesn’t know how to date now.

 

 

But the fact that he trusted me to tell me everything and was dreading for my reaction, he wanted me in his life

[LynneVicious]

3 hours ago, introverted1 said:

It doesn't matter if it's because he met someone he likes more, or an ex has come back into his life, or he discovered things about you that he decided aren't what he's looking for in an LTR, or or or...  No matter what the reason is, the bottom line remains that he doesn't want a relationship with you.  Pressing him for an answer won't change that. At best, it'll lead to confusing and conflicting statements made by him in an effort not to hurt you.  At worst, it'll lead to statements that do hurt you.

Op, this is so true. It doesn’t matter what the reasons are. He broke things off with you. You may be hurt, but the hurt will only last a short while and you’ll bounce back

16 minutes ago, Girlcapri said:

 

But the fact that he trusted me to tell me everything and was dreading for my reaction, he wanted me in his life

 

just because someone shares something personal with you, does not mean they want you in their life. Try not to read into things so much that you’re projecting what you want to believe onto him. 
 

He told you he doesn’t want a relationship. That means, he doesn’t want a relationship with you. He may have been on the rebound and you helped put a bandaid on his heart... He may have realized he was moving too fast and truly didn’t want a relationship...he may have decided he doesn’t have feelings for you and doesn’t want to drag it out. 
 

Whatever the reasons, you need to respect what he said. And also respect yourself by not chasing him and over analyzing every thing he said. Rejection hurts. But you’ll move on. He’s gone. Go No Contact to help move on. 

Edited June 16, 2021 by LynneVicious

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I did not mean that he is deliberately hurting her.  He could be the nicest guy.  Honestly, it really does not matter.  The only fact that matters is that he does not want a relationship with her, and he told her so.  She needs to do the logical thing and listen to what he has told her, and not keep herself stuck in a limbo with him.

I agree, ultimately it doesn't matter why he doesn't want to proceed, because it doesn't change what she needs to do for herself.  I would just hope that she doesn't have hard feelings, because at the end of the day, he was honest with her.  It just didn't work out.

[Mrin]

1 hour ago, Girlcapri said:

But the fact that he trusted me to tell me everything and was dreading for my reaction, he wanted me in his life

Maybe. Maybe he did at that time. Now he doesn't. Or maybe he just over shares. Heck I've had complete strangers tell me their most intimate secrets on airplanes. Or first (and only) dates. Lol.

Regardless, trying to talk to him is going to be like peeling an onion. As a dude it's doubtful that he has any one "thing" that is the root of him not wanting a relationship with you. You have to remember that we dudes are pretty terrible at introspection. And it may not even have anything to do with you per se. 

I hesitate to even say this but I once moved on from a pretty great woman by instinct. I couldn't tell you why at the time. With some distance, I later figured out was because 1) I didn't like the sound of her laugh 2) I never learned anything from her and 3) she was somewhat undependable when it came to plans. 

However if you had asked me at the time I would have just been able to say "it doesn't feel right".

Hope this helps.

Mrin

[dangerous]

Sounds like you both are very volatile. If you like push and pull, carry on.

If you want a sustainable and stable relationship, get comfortable in yourself, and keep looking for a man who makes you happy and with more of an idea of what he wants too. 

[spiderowl]

It sounds as though what caused him to cancel the date has derailed your relationship.  My guess would be that he met someone else or got back with his ex.  Things changed after that point.

I am sorry because you clearly like him.  My feeling is that he is not invested with you and he will only hurt you if you try to make it work.

At this point, I would write him off and assume the relationship is ended.  His feelings seem to have changed, whatever he is saying.  His actions are telling you that something has changed.  Do not waste your precious life pining over someone who sounds like he has other relationships going on in the background.

[poppyfields]

On 6/16/2021 at 11:22 AM, dramafreezone said:

Where did he backtrack?  Keeping contact with her is backtracking?  Showing her that he cares is flip flopping?  You can care about someone without being in a relationship.

I just have a problem with this characterization of him as being manipulative or deliberately hurtful.  Feelings aren't something that you can just cut off like a faucet, right?  And men are just consistently portrayed in a bad light here and it doesn't serve anyone well, it just sows mistrust.  Romance is tough, and it's risky.  People get hurt, it doesn't mean people are out to do it to someone else intentionally.

I do agree that perhaps she should just cut off contact if she feels she's growing attached to him. 

I agree with the bolded, however I do believe he is sending mixed messages (I want to help you with your car/don't want a relationship with you) which is unfair to OP since he made it clear he does not want a RL with her. 

It's unintentional however it is confusing the hell out of her as evidenced here.

I also don't think he's playing games or manipulative as was suggested.  After spending time together (one month) he simply changed his mind which each and every one of us is entitled to do.

Girlcapri, IF you have any chance at all of rekindling his desire, LEAVE HIM ALONE.  Do not call or text about your car or anything else.  

Move on with your life, keep busy with hobbies, activities, friends and be happy!   

Not as a strategy to get him back, but for you, because it's the best thing for you.

IF he should miss you and wants to give this another whirl, he knows where to find you.  BUT even if that does happen, I do not recommend jumping back in.

Because many times what happens is he (or she if roles are reversed) WILL miss you, they WILL begin "longing" for you (different from loving) and that missing and longing will trick them into thinking they love you and want you back.

But that's not the case typically, because once they have you back, and no longer miss you or long for you, they want OUT again.

The off/on dynamic can become a vicious cycle.

So be careful of that.

If me, I would simply wish him well, go no contact and begin the moving on and healing process.

Edited June 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Re the astrology factor (you're a cappy and he's virgo), while on paper you may be compatible, there is so much more that's involved in determining who you are and why you connect and are compatible with certain people and not others.

Not to mention, there's your Rising sign, Moon, Mars, Venus etc.

For example, I am a Cancer Sun which makes me intuitive, emotional, sensitive, moody, a bit of a homebody and introverted, but my Moon is in Gemini which makes me free-spirted, fiercely independent, easy going, changeable, detached and extroverted.

So that's quite a dichotomy and can be confusing to the men I date.

So I would advise you to not judge anything by your astrological Sun Signs, it could lead you down a path that may disappoint like what is happening here.

Edited June 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[Girlcapri]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with the bolded, however I do believe he is sending mixed messages (I want to help you with your car/don't want a relationship with you) which is unfair to OP since he made it clear he does not want a RL with her. 

It's unintentional however it is confusing the hell out of her as evidenced here.

I also don't think he's playing games or manipulative as was suggested.  After spending time together (one month) he simply changed his mind which each and every one of us is entitled to do.

Girlcapri, IF you have any chance at all of rekindling his desire, LEAVE HIM ALONE.  Do not call or text about your car or anything else.  

Move on with your life, keep busy with hobbies, activities, friends and be happy!   

Not as a strategy to get him back, but for you, because it's the best thing for you.

IF he should miss you and wants to give this another whirl, he knows where to find you.  BUT even if that does happen, I do not recommend jumping back in.

Because many times what happens is he (or she if roles are reversed) WILL miss you, they WILL begin "longing" for you (different from loving) and that missing and longing will trick them into thinking they love you and want you back.

But that's not the case typically, because once they have you back, and no longer miss you or long for you, they want OUT again.

The off/on dynamic can become a vicious cycle.

So be careful of that.

If me, I would simply wish him well, go no contact and begin the moving on and healing process.

Thank you, yes my last text was to say that l hope he finds what he’s looking for. 
Maybe my imagination, but small things like kiss at the end of the message or simply blocking someone after you are done with them, but he kept his lines of communication open, so l don’t know if he is still debating or just don’t want to hurt me. 

[elaine567]

Maybe it is as simple as his son did not like you.
10 months is not long, I guess having an alcoholic mother is hard going, the son may not be ready to get invested again, his father may recognise that.
"Daddy please  stop seeing that woman, I don't like her..." - not a lot anyone can say to that...

Whatever the real reason, why would you went to get involved in such a mess?
Alcoholics leave chaos in their wake, it is a blessing in disguise he decided to end it with you. 

Edited June 18, 2021 by elaine567