Henry_shalom Posted June 15, 2021 Posted June 15, 2021 I live a solitude lifestyle and i'm somewhat anti-social. And i believe these attributes all stemmed from my childhood upbringing. Back when i was kid, even through my teens, i wasn't given much freedom to interact or play around with my fellow kids, and any attempt to will result to my parents beating the s*** out of me. I had a real taste of loneliness as a kid growing up, and over these years i've built a firm relationship with it. I guess you could call us good companions. And so to this day, i pride myself as a loner. I've come to love and depend on it and i get so much fuel and energy from it. Nonetheless, it wasn't a thriving experience for me as well, because as a kid i was marred by a lot of psychological problems--inferiority complex, low self esteem, no self worth, you name it. My father also wrote some of those scripts for me with the unpleasant things he was saying to me on a regular basis, which i believed. And as a young adult now, i'm glad i've worked through some of those problems, while still battling with a few grey areas and chief amongst them is socialisation. My idea of socialization is hitting the cimema to catch a blockbuster or going to a pub by myself or with a friend, and batting around some ideas. And being raised by conservative parents i never indulged in drugs, clubbing or alcohol, although I tried alcohol once or twice and stopped (not my kinda thing). And in my culture, if you don't take alcohol or smoke, party, you'd be socially alienated. You'd essentially become a pariah. You'd be reprimanded and called all sorts of nasty names, and lately i've been on the receiving end of these name calling, most especially from my close friends. And i firmly believe that people should exercise their right to live their lives on their own terms, without being told what to do. So last Sunday, i hosted a little get together, and invited six of my close friends, two of them i grew up with. For full disclosure, the whole event turned sour. I got into a heated exchange with an old friend whom i've known to be opinionated, and also recently one of my managers at my place of work. I offered him his favourite brand of beer he and sort of flew off handle and brought up the alcohol thing. He blatantly turned my offer down and made some derogatory remarks about me not measuring up to his standards. He also made a reference to the past, one i wasn't even sure how it's related to our differences. That was what got me enraged. He talked about when his younger brother had died and i didn't show up for the wake keep on the funerals eve with my fellow colleagues, where they partied and had fun. Meanwhile i attended the funeral, and i felt he didn't even observe my presence at the funeral for making such a statement. I was deeply gutted by that. Some of them called me an extremist, other labelled me self-centred, which got me wondering. Whenever these guys need a favour, finance, advice and whatnot, i'm always the one they come to. In fact that's when i exist in their world. But when it comes to something that will benefit me, i become nonexistent. Long story short; they all abruptly left except one who stayed behind. Don't get me wrong, these are good people and a good chunk of what they said that day, i took as good feedback, especially the point of my need to loosen up a bit. But when the people i call close friends are not willing to let me grow and evolve on my own, and just be myself, it makes want to cut them all loose...for real. What are your thoughts?
ShyViolet Posted June 16, 2021 Posted June 16, 2021 Anyone who behaves this way towards you is not your friend. Who needs friends like that? Seriously, if someone treats you this way, cut them out of your life and get better friends. I wouldn't put up with this.
spiderowl Posted June 16, 2021 Posted June 16, 2021 They don't sound like friends to me. It is impossible for us to know what happened because we are only hearing your story - which is fair enough! Based on what you said, your friend sound overly critical. It sounds like they find you rather rigid and inflexible. Do you feel you are? If you are happy with the way you are and how you socialise, then you just need to find different friends. If you are not happy, then what do you feel you are missing out on? It sounds like you have good reason to be unsure about socialising with the way your father treated you. Have you ever tried counselling or anything like that? It might help you to discuss your worries with someone impartial. Being beaten up for wanting to socialise sounds like the biggest disincentive ever!
Taramere Posted June 16, 2021 Posted June 16, 2021 11 hours ago, Henry_shalom said: I live a solitude lifestyle and i'm somewhat anti-social. And i believe these attributes all stemmed from my childhood upbringing. Back when i was kid, even through my teens, i wasn't given much freedom to interact or play around with my fellow kids, and any attempt to will result to my parents beating the s*** out of me. I had a real taste of loneliness as a kid growing up, and over these years i've built a firm relationship with it. I guess you could call us good companions. And so to this day, i pride myself as a loner. I've come to love and depend on it and i get so much fuel and energy from it. Nonetheless, it wasn't a thriving experience for me as well, because as a kid i was marred by a lot of psychological problems--inferiority complex, low self esteem, no self worth, you name it. My father also wrote some of those scripts for me with the unpleasant things he was saying to me on a regular basis, which i believed. And as a young adult now, i'm glad i've worked through some of those problems, while still battling with a few grey areas and chief amongst them is socialisation. My idea of socialization is hitting the cimema to catch a blockbuster or going to a pub by myself or with a friend, and batting around some ideas. And being raised by conservative parents i never indulged in drugs, clubbing or alcohol, although I tried alcohol once or twice and stopped (not my kinda thing). And in my culture, if you don't take alcohol or smoke, party, you'd be socially alienated. You'd essentially become a pariah. You'd be reprimanded and called all sorts of nasty names, and lately i've been on the receiving end of these name calling, most especially from my close friends. And i firmly believe that people should exercise their right to live their lives on their own terms, without being told what to do. So last Sunday, i hosted a little get together, and invited six of my close friends, two of them i grew up with. For full disclosure, the whole event turned sour. I got into a heated exchange with an old friend whom i've known to be opinionated, and also recently one of my managers at my place of work. I offered him his favourite brand of beer he and sort of flew off handle and brought up the alcohol thing. He blatantly turned my offer down and made some derogatory remarks about me not measuring up to his standards. He also made a reference to the past, one i wasn't even sure how it's related to our differences. That was what got me enraged. He talked about when his younger brother had died and i didn't show up for the wake keep on the funerals eve with my fellow colleagues, where they partied and had fun. Meanwhile i attended the funeral, and i felt he didn't even observe my presence at the funeral for making such a statement. I was deeply gutted by that. Some of them called me an extremist, other labelled me self-centred, which got me wondering. Whenever these guys need a favour, finance, advice and whatnot, i'm always the one they come to. In fact that's when i exist in their world. But when it comes to something that will benefit me, i become nonexistent. Long story short; they all abruptly left except one who stayed behind. Don't get me wrong, these are good people and a good chunk of what they said that day, i took as good feedback, especially the point of my need to loosen up a bit. But when the people i call close friends are not willing to let me grow and evolve on my own, and just be myself, it makes want to cut them all loose...for real. What are your thoughts? I'm curious about the one who stayed behind. Life's easier for people who side with/follow the group...but that person chose the action that was less easier, presumably as a gesture of support/friendship to you? That, to me, is a good friend. For me, if I'm not drinking (eg because I'm driving) and other people are, I can still enjoy myself and almost feel as though I am drunk. It's the old cliche about not necessarily needing alcohol to have a good time. What you're talking about, though, goes way beyond not drinking alcohol. There are other issues from your childhood that have evidently made it very difficult for you to socialise with other people. Are your friends aware that you've struggled with these issues and that "loosening up and having a good time" isn't something you can just do at the flick of a switch? I'm presuming that wherever you are in the world, for the last while you've all been restricted by pandemic lockdown measures - which has had a major impact on a lot of people. I had to attend a face to face medical appointment recently, and was there for about 30 minutes. Most of that time had nothing to do with the medical issue, and involved the medical professional offloading to me. It's not something I mind...and on the contrary, I'm happy to be able to provide a sounding board for people who are providing an extremely valuable service....but I know that they're not really supposed to do that. I think the fact that professionals are offloading to patients in this way really encapsulates just how much stress hundreds of millions of people are under right now. That probably applies to your friends as much as to anybody else. I've spoken to a few people lately, who've confided that they feel as though they've lost the art of socialising with others. I think lockdown has probably had a major impact on people who are normally very extroverted. A lot of them will have turned to social media for socialisation - and since social media tends to be rife with politics and people projecting their issues onto eachother, that can have a negative impact. Add to that the fact that your friend lost his brother recently, and it's pretty clear that he's been going through a hard time. That doesn't excuse him taking it out on you, but it might be a useful thing to keep in mind with regard to how much weight you should attach to the opinions he expressed about you. With regard to the culture you live in being one where people who don't drink are alienated, are there really no pockets within that culture where alcohol consumption is avoided? What about, for instance, sport? People who go to the gym a lot or play sport often limit their alcohol consumption a lot due to the adverse impact it has on performance. Then there are people who limit it because they're trying to lose weight/avoid putting weight on. Or people who have had issues with alcohol in the past or who just don't like the taste. There are plenty of reasons for people to want to avoid alcohol. But if you have difficulties socialising, maybe it's difficult for you to find friends outside of the existing circle you grew up with? What to do regarding the friends you've fallen out with? I think it's clear you could probably do with some space from them for a while. I had a bad situation with a friend some weeks ago who lost his temper with me when I laid down a boundary he didn't like. I told him that the door would be open when things had calmed down, but then he texted me some absolutely vile comments in a way where there was no doubt that he was going for the jugular with intent to harm. If he'd taken a bit of space, as I'd suggested, perhaps we could have repaired things...but the texts he sent were dealbreakers. Out of concern, I got in touch with one of his friends who said that other people have experienced the same thing, and while people feel sorry for him they're just not prepared to deal with his vitriol any longer. That friend, by the way, is a heavy drinker and I think that plays a major role in the fall outs he has with people. Alcohol rarely played a role in the social time I spent with him, since I've never felt comfortable around him when alcohol is involved. That's probably why, up until recently, I managed to sustain a friendship with him...since most of his other friends are/were people he would drink with. Apparently a few of the fall outs he's had with other people resulted from them questioning the amount he's drinking. That could be your friend in a decade or two, if alcohol plays too big a role in his life. But that's something he's going to have to figure out himself. Loosening up and having a good time is probably something you'll get better at as your confidence builds up. It's clear, from what you say, that you've done work on yourself and have a very good understanding of the source of some of your emotional difficulties. When you're a child, you are very much at the mercy of your parents. They can project all sorts of issues on to you, and there's nothing you can do about it. Having troubled parents who project a lot of their hurt and anger onto you can result in lots of things being far more of an uphill climb than they seem to be for others, as you grow up. The script your parents teach you become your personal script. All the "shoulds"...all the angry, critical judgements...they all become your point of reference for how to be an adult, when really those sorts of scripts don't teach you how to think in a rational, healthy adult way at all. So the overall impression I have, reading your post, is that you've been doing this work on yourself, you've made good progress - and now you've had this upsetting situation with friends that has been a real setback. In a high stress situation, when somebody is bombarding you with personal (very negative) judgements - even though logically you know that most of it is about them projecting their own personal pain and issues, it can still send you mentally back into that disempowered place of your childhood where you were completely reliant on parents who perhaps exerted far more energy on exerting control over you than in helping you flourish as a human being. The difference now, of course, is that you're an adult and therefore not reliant on your friends in the way that you were reliant on your parents as a child. Their beliefs, values and judgements of you might be influential and at times upsetting - but they don't dictate the kind of life you lead in the way that your father's values and judgements did. I wouldn't make any decisions at all about the future of these friendships unless the friend went over your personal boundaries (and only you know what they are) with regard to what you'll accept from a friend. I'm doubtful that trying to have any conversation resolving things with him would be a good idea right now. It sounds as though he's in a bad place after his brother's death, and any attempt to resolve the recent argument might just worsen the dynamic between you. I'd resolve to do absolutely nothing about that friendship right now. Evidently some of the judgements about you not being able to loosen up and have a good time have given you food for thought...and perhaps there are small goals you could set yourself to work towards being more social and becoming more relaxed around others. I'd focus on identifying those goals and working towards them rather than dwelling on an unpleasant conflict with somebody who is probably struggling with a lot of difficult bereavement related feelings right now and may have had too much to drink when the argument broke out.
glows Posted June 16, 2021 Posted June 16, 2021 On 6/15/2021 at 2:16 PM, Henry_shalom said: I live a solitude lifestyle and i'm somewhat anti-social. And i believe these attributes all stemmed from my childhood upbringing. Back when i was kid, even through my teens, i wasn't given much freedom to interact or play around with my fellow kids, and any attempt to will result to my parents beating the s*** out of me. I had a real taste of loneliness as a kid growing up, and over these years i've built a firm relationship with it. I guess you could call us good companions. And so to this day, i pride myself as a loner. I've come to love and depend on it and i get so much fuel and energy from it. Nonetheless, it wasn't a thriving experience for me as well, because as a kid i was marred by a lot of psychological problems--inferiority complex, low self esteem, no self worth, you name it. My father also wrote some of those scripts for me with the unpleasant things he was saying to me on a regular basis, which i believed. And as a young adult now, i'm glad i've worked through some of those problems, while still battling with a few grey areas and chief amongst them is socialisation. My idea of socialization is hitting the cimema to catch a blockbuster or going to a pub by myself or with a friend, and batting around some ideas. And being raised by conservative parents i never indulged in drugs, clubbing or alcohol, although I tried alcohol once or twice and stopped (not my kinda thing). And in my culture, if you don't take alcohol or smoke, party, you'd be socially alienated. You'd essentially become a pariah. You'd be reprimanded and called all sorts of nasty names, and lately i've been on the receiving end of these name calling, most especially from my close friends. And i firmly believe that people should exercise their right to live their lives on their own terms, without being told what to do. So last Sunday, i hosted a little get together, and invited six of my close friends, two of them i grew up with. For full disclosure, the whole event turned sour. I got into a heated exchange with an old friend whom i've known to be opinionated, and also recently one of my managers at my place of work. I offered him his favourite brand of beer he and sort of flew off handle and brought up the alcohol thing. He blatantly turned my offer down and made some derogatory remarks about me not measuring up to his standards. He also made a reference to the past, one i wasn't even sure how it's related to our differences. That was what got me enraged. He talked about when his younger brother had died and i didn't show up for the wake keep on the funerals eve with my fellow colleagues, where they partied and had fun. Meanwhile i attended the funeral, and i felt he didn't even observe my presence at the funeral for making such a statement. I was deeply gutted by that. Some of them called me an extremist, other labelled me self-centred, which got me wondering. Whenever these guys need a favour, finance, advice and whatnot, i'm always the one they come to. In fact that's when i exist in their world. But when it comes to something that will benefit me, i become nonexistent. Long story short; they all abruptly left except one who stayed behind. Don't get me wrong, these are good people and a good chunk of what they said that day, i took as good feedback, especially the point of my need to loosen up a bit. But when the people i call close friends are not willing to let me grow and evolve on my own, and just be myself, it makes want to cut them all loose...for real. What are your thoughts? It doesn't sound like these people can handle their liquor and they are parasites. They live off of you and take the good parts but they don't accept you or harbour resentment. Why engage in disagreements like this or invite anyone over whom you suspect has a grudge against you? Put a filter on your psychological problems. Little known trick - people actually don't really care to know much about you especially if it's going to bring them down. They remember how you made them feel, not what you said. If you need a safe space to unpack your childhood issues, do that with a therapist and don't dump that on your friends. The average person is limited. Until someone actually does prove to be a loyal friend without backstabbing you or hurting you all the time, leave your personal issues out of the friendship or acquaintance. When the dust blows over maybe rethink these people and how appropriate they are in your life. They may be more like acquaintances rather than friends.
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