do shy guys take time in asking for a second date?

[Fletch Lives]

There is no such thing as shy when they are into you.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

There is no such thing as shy when they are into you.

Agree. "Shy" is a misnomer for  "not into you". However if you push him away by not reciprocating, not communicating, not thanking, not following up,  etc. and expect him to jump through hoops he's not shy he's smart.

[glows]

20 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you all for your responses thus far. The date was 4 days ago. I did thank him at the end of the date for taking me out for a wonderful lunch. That in addition to fondly accepting his proposal for meeting again, made me feel I didn’t really need to send an extra thank you?

Also I do want to see if he does take the initiative and get in touch himself for that second date. This is especially because last year I was involved for a while with someone who was really not into me and led me on for 6 months so I do want to be sure that the next person is genuinely interested.

And yes he knows I’m leaving, I think it is what contributed to him wanting to make the move

 

There's too much anxiety here. You'll have to get rid of all that and not carry that chip over your shoulder.

This is a new person. Send the thank you note and see what he says. If he doesn't get a hold of you or respond, you have your answer instead of wringing your hands like this. Be more decisive and confident. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

There is no such thing as shy when they are into you.

I don’t believe that. And, I speak from personal experience. 

[smackie9]

I don't think we've had a shy guy post a thread about "I really like her, but I'm not sure if I should ask her for a second date."

[babybrowns]

48 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I don't think we've had a shy guy post a thread about "I really like her, but I'm not sure if I should ask her for a second date."

Well actually, this recent thread doesn’t seem too far from it 

 

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

Things are looking very tricky in their progression with this guy. The main thing is the issue with difficulty in communication. 

He and I normally talk on a work messenger platform, as I mentioned we don’t have each other’s number. But what makes it even more difficult is, he is a freelancer who is not directly linked with the company and he doesn’t check his work messenger platform (or work email) very often. In the past, he has picked up messages a couple of days late.

The result is that a message I sent 32 hours ago is still left as ‘unread’ and he has been logged as being “offline” from this work messenger platform since last week. This alone would seem like yes it is a communication issue that’s impeding things mainly. But that is not all, though-

Today was the first time that I saw him in person, in the corridor, since last week’s date. I was passing by and he was talking to someone. But he didn’t acknowledge me at all. Didn’t look at me once to say hey as I was passing.

This naturally left me feeling quite downtrodden, and was a stark contrast to the keen Romeo I had lunch with last week.

Until now I had thought it was mainly a communication issue that was delaying our arranging another date, but I do now strongly feel that he would have found a way to communicate with me if he was genuinely into it. Heck he knows where my office is and passes it every day and could easily have come found me to chat. 

So I think that all this was just a little box-ticking exercise for him to go on a date with a co-worker he’s had a crush on for ages and just get her to agree to a second date and claim victory from that. Now that he’s achieved that, done and dusted- no more pursuit.

I do feel used, but, it has taught me never again to mix work and leisure. It’s just not worth it to be made to feel small at work by unforeseen romantic rejection after what you perceived to be a great date enjoyed by both parties. 

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by babybrowns

[smackie9]

52 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Well actually, this recent thread doesn’t seem too far from it 

 

I said no threads about a shy guy being unsure about asking for a second date. There are plenty about just trying gauge interest to ask for a first date. After a first date that went well there's no more second guessing. Now mind you there are plenty of threads about trying to nail down a second date...the poor guy receiving excuses, getting the I'm busy, not sure let me check my schedule, etc. But he keeps trying.

Edited June 17, 2021 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I do feel used, but, it has taught me never again to mix work and leisure.

Sorry this happened.  Agree, work and dating is a complicated mix.

Also there were red flags such as "lost his phone" and "only uses work email" and there were no attempts to provide traceable personal contact info.  

[babybrowns]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened.  Agree, work and dating is a complicated mix.

Also there were red flags such as "lost his phone" and "only uses work email" and there were no attempts to provide traceable personal contact info.  

Thank you. Yes totally agree- he just genuinely didn’t seem like a player.

It was obviously just to get me to go out with him and then when he saw I’m in, just wash his hands of me. He’s a bit of a shy guy who doesn’t have many friends/ much contact with women I think, so perhaps he saw it as an experiment- ‘could he make her want him’.

If he was truly interested, he would have logged onto the work messenger platform this week, it being our only means of communication,  if only to see if I had messaged.

I do feel very led on and it’s a shame- I did think it was a great ‘out of the usual’ first date that had all the signs of a man who is keen.  

Edited June 17, 2021 by babybrowns

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Well actually, this recent thread doesn’t seem too far from it 

 

No, that thread is about a guy asking if he should ask out the office receptionist, knowing that if she goes to HR, it could sabotage his career.  The primary issue there is about fishing off the company pier, not shyness.

13 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It was obviously just to get me to go out with him and then when he saw I’m in, just wash his hands of me. He’s a bit of a shy guy who doesn’t have many friends/ much contact with women I think, so perhaps he saw it as an experiment- ‘could he make her want him’. Not gonna be talking to him anymore that’s for sure! 

How did you manage to land on the worst possible rationale for what went down?

• You might have misinterpreted the lunch as more than collegial
• He might have assumed you were disinterested when you did not follow up with a thank you (which is politesse, not a sign of chasing, so its absence speaks loudly)
• His dog might have died

As mentioned before, you are far too anxious and you inevitably play out scenarios with a worst case outcome in mind.  In this case, so much worry that if you appear even a little interested he will no longer want you.  He's gone from shy guy to player overnight!

Just go on dates. Be enthusiastic. Be welcoming.  Do your part.  If they call again and you want a second date, go. If you don't, don't.  If they never call again, so what, it was one date, you'll live.  I guarantee that if you can be the person you'd want to date, you will get more dates.

Edited June 17, 2021 by introverted1

[poppyfields]

The crush he had on you was a fantasy, you were unattainable during this time, therefore a fantasy.

The date with you was reality.

Reality is never as good as the fantasy and I think that's what this is or might be.

He didn't intentionally mislead you, he was crushing on you, fantasizing about you for years.

Once you became a reality, you lost some or most of your intrigue and he lost interest (assuming that's what's happening).

There are people in this world who are fantasy-driven and once something or someone becomes reality, they lose interest.

He may be one of them, possibly.

 

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

23 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I do feel very led on and it’s a shame- 

He didn't lead you on.  It was one date that lasted 1-1/2 hours to which you ended.  At least he didn't go for sex, have it with you and then disappear.  He just decided he's not as interested as before for whatever reason.

[babybrowns]

 

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

The crush he had on you was a fantasy, you were unattainable during this time, therefore a fantasy.

The date with you was reality.

Reality is never as good as the fantasy and I think that's what this is or might be.

He didn't intentionally mislead you, he was crushing on you, fantasizing about you for years.

Once you became a reality, you lost some or most of your intrigue and he lost interest (assuming that's what's happening).

There are people in this world who are fantasy-driven and once something or someone becomes reality, they lose interest.

He may be one of them, possibly.

 

 

This makes total sense, as a lot of your posts do poppyfields!

But what I still don’t get is the fact that he literally asked me towards the end of our date if we can do this again, “after work next time”, when we can “spend more time together, perhaps go out to dinner, without having to cut it short”. Would that still have been thrown in had this lunch just been a fantasy consolidator?

Literally I find it almost a little scary, the impression he left me with after the first date, (and I’m speaking as someone who’s been on enough bad dates in my years to know when it won’t proceed!) to nothing. Literally nothing. I just don’t get it.

My main thought now is really how to act when we do bump into each other. After this I’m feeling a little annoyed with him, I’m feeling like he’s not as interested as he made out to be, so I don’t want to look like an idiot and be all bushy tailed and “hey how are you?” if he did lose interest. It’d be awkward for both of us and frankly a big kick in the teeth for me after today’s unexpected slap on the face. Tempted almost just to ignore him and keep walking on almost…

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by babybrowns

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

If he was truly interested, he would have logged onto the work messenger platform this week, it being our only means of communication.

You may have dodged a bullet.

There's something fishy about someone who won't provide personal contact info.

Claims he lost his phone, has no personal email, no social media etc., etc., etc.

That's about as common as using smoke signals instead of texts these days. Right.

[stillafool]

36 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

My main thought now is really how to act when we do bump into each other. After this I’m feeling a little annoyed with him, I’m feeling like he’s not as interested as he made out to be, so I don’t want to look like an idiot and be all bushy tailed and “hey how are you?” if he did lose interest. It’d be awkward for both of us and frankly a big kick in the teeth for me after today’s unexpected slap on the face. Tempted almost just to ignore him and keep walking on almost…

Just be cordial and let it roll off your back.  You weren't invested in him anyway, were you?

[stillafool]

40 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Literally I find it almost a little scary, the impression he left me with after the first date, (and I’m speaking as someone who’s been on enough bad dates in my years to know when it won’t proceed!) to nothing. Literally nothing. I just don’t get it.

What impression did he leave you with that is so scary?

[babybrowns]

22 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Just be cordial and let it roll off your back.  You weren't invested in him anyway, were you?

Lol. I really don’t know why you’re finding it so hard to grasp the concept of being in ‘work mode’ during a ‘work day’ and ‘date mode’ at other times. Even he seemed to grasp it pretty well

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

 

This makes total sense, as a lot of your posts do poppyfields!

But what I still don’t get is the fact that he literally asked me towards the end of our date if we can do this again, “after work next time”, when we can “spend more time together, perhaps go out to dinner, without having to cut it short”. Would that still have been thrown in had this lunch just been a fantasy consolidator?

Literally I find it almost a little scary, the impression he left me with after the first date, (and I’m speaking as someone who’s been on enough bad dates in my years to know when it won’t proceed!) to nothing. Literally nothing. I just don’t get it.

My main thought now is really how to act when we do bump into each other. After this I’m feeling a little annoyed with him, I’m feeling like he’s not as interested as he made out to be, so I don’t want to look like an idiot and be all bushy tailed and “hey how are you?” if he did lose interest. It’d be awkward for both of us and frankly a big kick in the teeth for me after today’s unexpected slap on the face. Tempted almost just to ignore him and keep walking on almost…

 

As several of us have mentioned, maybe he took your lack of a thank you -- which I believe is pretty significant -- as a "no interest" signal from you.  After all, it is possible he is just as anxious and prone to catastrophic thinking as you are.  This is the problem with being your own head too much (speaking for both you and possibly him):  overthinkers not only over think but they tend to think that everything is about them. So you don't send a thank you because you are afraid of how it will make you look, and you don't really consider how it will look to him. And he interprets your cutting the lunch short as you not wanting to spend time with him, rather than a genuine need to get back to the office. And you both then see each next thing that happens (or doesn't happen) through the prism of reinforcing your worst fears.

As for when you see him, you can smile and say hello.  It takes nothing away from you!

[stillafool]

41 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Lol. I really don’t know why you’re finding it so hard to grasp the concept of being in ‘work mode’ during a ‘work day’ and ‘date mode’ at other times. Even he seemed to grasp it pretty well

 

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Today was the first time that I saw him in person, in the corridor, since last week’s date. I was passing by and he was talking to someone. But he didn’t acknowledge me at all. Didn’t look at me once to say hey as I was passing.

^^^^Maybe you didn't grasp that concept here.

[Gaeta]

If I liked someone in a romantic way, and we only communicated on a work app, I'd be checking that app every darn day to make sure I didn't miss a message. 

The fact he did not even look on the app, knowing it's your way to communicate, tells me this lunch was not a date in his eyes or he knew 100% after the lunch you were not it for him. So even if you had said 'thank you' in a message right after lunch, it would not have changed the outcome. I beleive that message would also be unread. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

My main thought now is really how to act when we do bump into each other. After this I’m feeling a little annoyed with him, I’m feeling like he’s not as interested as he made out to be, so I don’t want to look like an idiot and be all bushy tailed and “hey how are you?” if he did lose interest. It’d be awkward for both of us and frankly a big kick in the teeth for me after today’s unexpected slap on the face. Tempted almost just to ignore him and keep walking on almost…

Keep it neutral and professional. You don't have to be fake. Be your usual self without too many questions. If he asks you about your day keep the answers short. 

I'm sorry he ignored you in the hallway or left the message unread. Whatever his reasoning don't let it get to you or ruminate. These things happen. Brush yourself off, take a breather, go for a walk, meet other dates. This is all part of putting yourself out there. 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

So I think that all this was just a little box-ticking exercise for him to go on a date with a co-worker he’s had a crush on for ages and just get her to agree to a second date and claim victory from that. Now that he’s achieved that, done and dusted- no more pursuit.

I do feel used

Kindly, it was lunch. He didn’t use you. You went to lunch together. That’s all.

Perhaps he decided while at lunch with you that you were not someone he was interested in dating. That is certainly his prerogative. And considering that you only had the one lunch, you had nothing invested and nothing to lose. 

So you took and a chance and it didn’t work out - big deal. Just be professional when you see the guy at work and move on…

[Calmandfocused]

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Lol. I really don’t know why you’re finding it so hard to grasp the concept of being in ‘work mode’ during a ‘work day’ and ‘date mode’ at other times. Even he seemed to grasp it pretty well

A very unfair comment to Stillafool IMO.

She’s asking why you’re so bothered, considering that you wasn’t particularly into this guy from the get go?… I was wondering the same thing….

I think you’re currently experiencing a ego/ rejection response.  You want him to want you and you’re gutted because his crush seems to have dissipated. 

Nothing wrong with that. Rejection hurts all of us. But I don’t think this is about you really wanting this guy. Far from it. 
 

 

 

[babybrowns]

8 hours ago, introverted1 said:

As several of us have mentioned, maybe he took your lack of a thank you -- which I believe is pretty significant -- as a "no interest" signal from you.  After all, it is possible he is just as anxious and prone to catastrophic thinking as you are.  This is the problem with being your own head too much (speaking for both you and possibly him):  overthinkers not only over think but they tend to think that everything is about them. So you don't send a thank you because you are afraid of how it will make you look, and you don't really consider how it will look to him. And he interprets your cutting the lunch short as you not wanting to spend time with him, rather than a genuine need to get back to the office. And you both then see each next thing that happens (or doesn't happen) through the prism of reinforcing your worst fears.

As for when you see him, you can smile and say hello.  It takes nothing away from you!

Thank you this makes a lot of sense. Although I have been ruminating over how the lack of a follow-up thank you message from me to him might have impeded things, I’m not sure that it did all that much.
This is because, as @Gaeta touched on too, it doesn’t look like he would even have seen a followup thank you message. He’s not been online on the work messenger app, our only means to communicate, for a week.
So if I had sent a followup thank you to him that day, I’d probably be feeling even more low about it than I am right now- message would still be sitting there unread since he hadn’t checked the app.

With it now being a whole week since the date, and post-date communication from what I thought was an interested man significantly being deficient, I am writing this off once and for all.

And it’s shown me never again to mix work and leisure like this- I’ve never done it before but I was sure enough about this to take a chance here. He was so keen and I really didn’t anticipate such an unfortunate  and unexpected closing-down after what looked like a nice door opening. It was the best first date I’ve had in years, a very keen and interesting man who gave me very keen signals and connected with me so well, who wanted the date to go on longer and longer and then asked to do it again in a more romantic setting.

One really cannot blame me for getting my hopes up and to have a certain expectation that I’d hear from him this week, after an experience like that. 

I got a bit of a rude awakening from all this, as to never anticipate anything from a great first date. I also feel that my emotions got played with a little- the contrast between the impression he left me with and the reality of the followup. The constant ‘has he read my message? will he contact me today? Why didn’t he look my way in the corridor?’ is exhausting and you don’t need it in the office of all places. I’ve been exposed enough to that outside the workplace in my life but I don’t need it inside it. Lesson learnt!

Thank you all for your responses

 

Edited June 18, 2021 by babybrowns