do shy guys take time in asking for a second date?

[dramafreezone]

Also OP, to piggyback off of my last post, just because someone is shy at dating, doesn't even mean that he wouldn't be a great BF or dater.  All it means for certain is that he doesn't have the experience which would lead to confidence later.  Confidence isn't grown out of thin air, it comes from repeated experiences and the resultant successes, which grows confidence.  Being a good dater requires that a guy develop a very specific set of skills that can only be gained from dating (and probably sales or recruiting).  If a guy is a genius computer whiz, that brilliance in that one area doesn't mean he'd be a great dater.  Same with an MMA fighter, just because he can beat up most men doesn't make him a charming dater.

Everyone starts from somewhere.  If no one ever gets experience, they can't gain confidence in that skill.  That's another reason why confidence in any particular lane (including dating) =/= a "real man" or whatever.  It just means they're good at that particular skill.

Edited June 15, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Lotsgoingon]

So thank ... send him an email ... you can put in there, "looking forward to meeting again." That should get a response.

To answer your question directly: yes, some shy guys might be slow in the followup. Especially if he told about the date to a loud-mouth friend, who said, "you didn't kiss here. You're only a friend!" 

So thank him and send the line about looking forward to seeing you again. 

Actually, the real signal traditionally a woman gives (I know a generalization) isn't necessarily thanking them for the dinner. People might do that when they have no interest in seeing the person again.  The real signal is to say you had a great time with him at dinner. That's the signal that tells me this other person is really interested. People who aren't interested in us are much more cautious. 

So send him the "had a great time" and "looking forward to seeing you again." You can even add, "soon!" Do that and you're not acting needy or any of that. Since he's shy, he's probably not confident in reading signals of interest. 

 

[babybrowns]

53 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Wrong. 

I would always send a follow up text after a date, and I also thanked him and told him that I had a nice time when we said goodbye. I would often try to find something related to the date to text about, to continue the conversation. 

Example, thank you for the wonderful dinner the last night. I was just looking at recipes, I want to try to make that (meal) again. It was so good! Talk later. 

Or, I really enjoyed the movie last night. Did you know, the lead actor was also in (name movie). I thought I knew him - I love that movie too! Hope you are well. Talk soon. 

Now, this is not to say you should be chasing a man down who isn’t showing any interest in dating you and/or consistently asking you out and following through. It’s just, flirting. You are showing interest. Allowing him to feel safe in asking you out again! 

At this point, I would say - what do you have to lose if you send him a text like this to start some more conversation or inquire when he is free to get together for dinner? While I like a man who takes charge and asks a woman out, women who sit around waiting for men to initiate every conversation/date tend to be very lonely women…

You’re very right. It’s mainly because of my previous experience last year of getting involved with a guy who was leading me on for 6 months without telling me things were “off”  since he was enjoying the attention, and who I was chasing after ridiculously. It exhausted me emotionally.
It is especially important to me that whoever comes next is someone I do not have to chase at all, to let his true intentions be unravelled organically and his level of interest be revealed without making it too easy for him.

It could very well be that this guy went home happy that day after our date since it satisfied his long-term crush but then after ruminating over something I said or whatever, he has decided that he doesn’t want to pursue anything more with this. Either way, I want to give it a couple more days before I reach out to him.

Sending a funny meme will be a good bet in cases like this since it doesn’t give anything away; he can either respond casually ie “funny cat!” and that’s that, or he can see it as the opportunity to talk again and arrange something. “How’s your week going anyway?…”. 
Either way, I’ll have a better idea of where things stand!

Edited June 15, 2021 by babybrowns

[BaileyB]

I would rather have a shy man than date someone who is overconfident or arrogant any day. 

That said, he needs to be able to ask you out and show his interest. You can certainly help him along, but if you have to initiate everything - that takes the romance right out of the experience. 

Neither end of the spectrum is good. That said, there is a whole lot to work with in between and you can do a lot to build his confidence and allow him to feel safe and comfortable with you - such that he will hopefully take the lead and things work out well.

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I do not have to chase at all

I’m not saying chase, babybrowns. And it’s not “making it too easy for him.” 

If you want him to ask you out again, you need to let him know that you are interested. Put yourself in his shoes - would you feel comfortable asking a woman out for a second date if she says thank you when you drop her off and you don’t hear from her again? Would you feel more comfortable if she sent a text that said - “Hey, I enjoyed our time together. I’m still thinking about you…” Probably the second example, right? 

You are not making it easy for him or chasing an uninterested man if you send a quick text. If it’s related to something you have previously discussed or shared/done together - bonus points! That’s good social skills. Texting for hours with a man that you have been out with once - way too much too soon! 

What I’m saying, you show some interest and then you wait and watch. If he is interested, he will ask you out again. 

Edited June 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[babybrowns]

I just struggle to show guys I like them I guess because that gives away a part of me that they get complacent with. Until I’m sure that they do like me I don’t want to give myself away. 

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I just struggle to show guys I like them I guess because that gives away a part of me that they get complacent with. Until I’m sure that they do like me I don’t want to give myself away. 

Explain to me, how is it that sending a text that says - “I’m going to have to go back to that new ice cream place that we tried last night to try a different flavour! Thanks for introducing me to something new!” and then waiting for him to say “Hey, me too! No problem. Maybe we can stop in again next time we go for a walk in the park…” - how is that “giving a way a part of you that they get complacent with?

Edited June 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Until I’m sure that they do like me I don’t want to give myself away. 

Is it possible that he feels the same way?

[Gaeta]

48 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I would rather have a shy man than date someone who is overconfident or arrogant any day. 

There are diffetent levels of shyness. There is the shy guy that pushes through, and you have the shy guy that's paralyzed by fear.

[Gaeta]

42 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Until I’m sure that they do like me I don’t want to give myself away. 

You only had 1 date. You have nothing to give away. Showing you're interested in a 2nd date doesn't mean you have feeling for him. 

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You only had 1 date. You have nothing to give away. Showing you're interested in a 2nd date doesn't mean you have feeling for him. 

Even if you were to actually ask the man out - you are still not giving yourself away. 

You give yourself away when you are always the person initiating - texting or planning a date. You give yourself away when you are over invested in the relationship than your partner. 

The thing you want to do is mirror his behavior. That’s why the texting suggestions are helpful. You say “I liked this” and hopefully he mirrors that back to you. You say “I’d like to see you again” and hopefully he mirrors that back to you - by agreeing, or asking your out/planning a date. You can’t go wrong if you mirror the man and then subtly suggest to him that you would be ok taking things just a little bit further… That is the subtle art of flirting!!

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

But it is worth mentioning here that, the guy is a little shy.

The key word here is little.

How you know he's a little shy?

Little shy is cute but it doesn't keep a man from texting or making an invitation.

[Yosemite]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I just struggle to show guys I like them I guess because that gives away a part of me that they get complacent with. Until I’m sure that they do like me I don’t want to give myself away. 

You want him to put himself out there and show that he likes you by asking for your number, asking you on a second date, and paying for the date right? For him, those things are a risk because he doesn't know if you like him or that you'll say yes. So, if you want him to take risks and do those things, you have to also take risks and show that you will be receptive to him asking you out and asking for your number.

If he gets complacent after he realizes that you like him...there's not too much that you can do about that. A lazy guy is a lazy guy, and hiding your feelings in the beginning so that he doesn't know if you like him or not isn't going to make him less lazy...it'll just make him not ask you out.

Quote

I say this because, I’ve known about his crush on me for a long time and had been waiting for a while for him to ask me out. I think what encouraged him to the extent of doing it recently is that I’ve tried to be a little less subtle with my own signs (I’m good at hiding a crush!) which finally encouraged him enough.

Look at what got him to ask you out in the first place. Then you went back to "subtle" on the date...and now he's vanished. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Go back to how you were acting when he asked you out the first time and he'll probably ask you out again.

So send a meme with a friendly comment and mention something about having a good time on the date and then see if he asks you out. If he doesn't, he doesn't, but at least you did your part.

Edited June 16, 2021 by Yosemite

[CollinW]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

@babybrowns: I've learn a great lesson last week. When a man is interested he acts interested. Also it's not because a man is shy that he doesn't know how to contact a woman to ask her out. Men go after what they want, shy or not. 

I'm really tired of this narrative. All men are different. 

Edited June 16, 2021 by CollinW

[SumGuy]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Who would want to date a man suffering from that level of shyness. This must impact his entire life, can't ask for a pay raise, can't compete, can't stand up for himself or worse can't stand up for her. 

That’s a different question.

To answer this one, that is a lot of extrapolation from shyness in the dating context to the rest of life.   

 You also seem to focus on the insecurity and ignore the uncertainty and inexperience portions.

 I can say I was “shy” with women when young but never had any lack of confidence in professional matters or certainty any fear that would prevent from standing up to aggression.  

Yet not wanting to offend or misread some one had romantic thoughts of, fear of come off as pushy…completely different to my young self.

Amazingly did fine in dating when young and shy, guess the women looked past my shyness and didn’t play coy with their interest.  In hindsight, certain women likely passed on me because of my shyness, and so glad of it.  
 

Hence, my advice goes only to how to get a response from a shy guy, and here that shyness does not equal inherently flawed by any objective measure or how he treats people.   In case the later is important.  
 

Yet if shy is not ones cup of tea then fine.   Shy guy will do fine if he is a decent guy.   It behooves both him and her to pass.   
 

Of course this is in the context of the situation, she saying thanks on a date but no follow up message saying how fun it was and at no point in the conversation she saying would like to do this again.  In my experience that is enough for a shy guy that does not have greater issues than you likely want deal with (as said before) to follow up.  

[SumGuy]

As to OP, you two are co-workers?    At least for a time?  

That makes a world of difference,   like huge if he wants to keep his job.  

A reasonable person would need a high unassailable certainty of your interest given the risks. Preferably in writing, preferably witnessed.      
 
Dating co-workers is a mine field.    Maybe he realized that and is carefully retracing his steps.   I’m not certain it is about shyness or interest, maybe not the right time.   

Edited June 16, 2021 by SumGuy

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

This guy from work who’s liked me for a while, and who I’ve also had a {secret} crush on for a while , recently took me out on a nice lunch date to a restaurant.

How did he make it clear that the lunch was a date vs two colleagues dining together? 

[Gaeta]

Also the worse is behind him. The ice is broken, they had a lunch already, it's not like he's working up the gut to proceed with a cold approach here! The path is laid in front of him.  This is a second date invitation, the pressure is a fraction compared to the pressure of a first date invitation. 

Edited June 16, 2021 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Of course this is in the context of the situation, she saying thanks on a date but no follow up message saying how fun it was and at no point in the conversation she saying would like to do this again.  In my experience that is enough for a shy guy that does not have greater issues than you likely want deal with (as said before) to follow up.  

I agree, she has to do that.  It's actually imperative that a woman does that after a date she enjoyed and wants a follow up.

This is not chasing, this is reciprocating our interest. OP needs to understand and practice that concept.

[babybrowns]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

How did he make it clear that the lunch was a date vs two colleagues dining together? 

But to name a few aspects that would differentiate this from 2 colleagues simply going out for a bite at this nice restaurant:

- He paid for both of us.

- He asked to see me again in a more romantic setting

- I have known for 8 months about his crush on me, since he joined the company. His interest in me is what got me to notice him in the first place actually, despite the fact that I have always been in a rush whenever we have bumped into each other for 5 minutes at a go before I’ve had to rush off.
 

Thank you all for your responses so far. At work I strictly keep work and leisure separate and have never dated someone from work in my life. This naturally makes it harder for me to show him ‘that side’ of me during the day. I think he perceives that well which is why he did ask to see me again in a more relaxed setting, when as he put it “we wouldn’t have to rush back”. 
I’m leaving this job anyway in a few weeks which’ll make it easier for me to show him that other non-work side to me which is more open to romance. Because I do really like him.

I totally agree with you all about him possibly needing a little more to go on from me. I’ll lightly reach out to him and see if he acts on it. I’ve just been made a little terrified I guess to show someone that I like them. Sometimes what I have noticed in the past is that, even if the guy has liked me back, what I have found is that once he finds out he ‘has me’, it dampens some of the mystery and relaxes the chase a bit, he relaxes the reins. I don’t want that to happen here! Just about finding the right balance I guess 

 

[Maldives]

Can I make a suggestion - you arrange the second date and pick up the tab

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

what I have found is that once he finds out he ‘has me’, it dampens some of the mystery and relaxes the chase a bit, he relaxes the reins.

He can't "have you" after 2 dates anyway, OP. 

Expressing your gratitude for the date and suggesting a second one is hardly giving yourself away. Not even close, actually. 

[Blind-Sided]

OK.... a few things...

When I worked in an office/Lab setting... There was a few girls I would ask out to lunch.  Mostly, because I didn't like to eat alone... and I like girls.  And... I would normally pay. (I was on a higher pay scale)   BUT... I wasn't really looking to "Date" any of them.  The lunch was normally flirty... and was more or less... "A Date", but to me... it was just lunch.  Heck... our receptionist like to go to lunch, and ride on the back of my motorcycle. (so holding me close) 

If your guy was shy... that "Shyness" would have gone away when you two were on a date.... if that's actually what it was.  Because of what I just said above... maybe he was just being nice. If he really wanted to go on another "Date"... then he would have just asked to see you again. As said by someone else... guys who are interested, will act interested. 

With al that said... just ask him to dinner, or drinks. 

Good luck.

[introverted1]

5 hours ago, babybrowns said:

But to name a few aspects that would differentiate this from 2 colleagues simply going out for a bite at this nice restaurant:

- He paid for both of us.

- He asked to see me again in a more romantic setting

I have paid for lunch with a colleague before.  I don't see this as definitive. 

And by your own telling, you had to rush back to the office, so his suggestion of an unrushed meal isn't definitive either. I am not sure how you know he had something "more romantic" in mind if all he said was that maybe you should have a meal in the evening when there would not be a time restriction.  More time does not necessarily equate to romance. And, of course, he has not followed up with actual invite.

Always send a thank you right after the event.  This is just general politeness but it also gives you an opportunity to reiterate your interest (thanks again for lunch today, looking forward to our dinner).  At this point it seems like it's been 5 days since the lunch so a thank you would be weird.  If you want to reach out, I'd suggest offering to take him for drinks as a thank you.  This is low key enough that it doesn't scream "second date" but has the benefit of a relaxed event that could lead to dinner if you are both feeling it. 

I think one of the things that would help you, not just in this dating situation but in general, would be to get out of your own head a bit.  There is no do-or-die at stake here.  You either do nothing, and potentially never see this guy again, which is fine because he is essentially a stranger; OR you put yourself out there a bit and potentially he doesn't reciprocate, which is also fine because he is essentially a stranger.  I think more emphasis on doing/being and less on thinking/analysing would benefit you.

[d0nnivain]

15 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you all for your responses thus far. The date was 4 days ago. I did thank him at the end of the date for taking me out for a wonderful lunch. That in addition to fondly accepting his proposal for meeting again, made me feel I didn’t really need to send an extra thank you?

Also I do want to see if he does take the initiative and get in touch himself for that second date. This is especially because last year I was involved for a while with someone who was really not into me and led me on for 6 months so I do want to be sure that the next person is genuinely interested.

You are wrong.  You need to send the additional electronic thank you.  People look for that very thing as the green light to proceed.  Without it, the guy may have concluded you are not interested. 

You wanting him to take the initiative but not signaling that it's OK to do so is game playing; it's a s**t-test; you expecting him to read your mind.  Men are not mind readers.  Shy ones need encouragement. You can't sit back on your hands & pretend it's 1950 where you don't have a voice.  It's fine if you are not comfortable being the one who does the actual ask for the next date but you do need to be open & obvious about your interest.  Making yourself available is not debasing yourself chasing after a man who is clearly now interested. 

Now pick up your phone & send him a message along these lines:  

Just a belated note to say thank you again for our lovely date on ______.  I had fun!

How's your week been going?  

See what he does in response.  But right now on his end he thinks you have gone radio silent because you are not interested.