do shy guys take time in asking for a second date?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

This guy from work who’s liked me for a while, and who I’ve also had a {secret} crush on for a while , recently took me out on a nice lunch date to a restaurant.

The date was great. The conversation flowed, we connected very well, and we both felt chemistry. After about 1.5 hours I had to cut the date a little short to return to work (he didn't have to return since he only works part time). He kindly picked up the cheque.

Before we parted he said he would love to do another meal with me, perhaps after work one evening when we wouldn’t have to rush away. I said I’d love that.

We didn’t exchange numbers though (I think he’s on a temporary phone anyway right now coz his phone was stolen recently). The way we communicate is either through work email or randomly bumping into each other, which happens quite rarely and unpredictably since we have very different schedules and work in different departments.

But it is worth mentioning here that, the guy is a little shy. I’m wondering if he’s waiting for me to be the one to get in touch about our next meetup? I say this because, I’ve known about his crush on me for a long time and had been waiting for a while for him to ask me out. I think what encouraged him to the extent of doing it recently is that I’ve tried to be a little less subtle with my own signs (I’m good at hiding a crush!) which finally encouraged him enough. However I didn’t give too many romantic signs away on our date though; part of me was still in ‘work mode’ since it was during the work day, but I did say yes to his proposal to meet again.

I am wondering whether to just wait for him to get in touch with me / drop in to my room to see me to organise that second date, or whether I should approach him?

It’s also worth mentioning that I am leaving this job next month so even if things were to get complicated between us, him being a co-worker only lasts a few more weeks!

Thanks for reading

Edited June 15, 2021 by babybrowns

[d0nnivain]

Have you reached out & thanked him for the date?  If not, do that. Some men need that as a green light.  

[cleverusername]

21 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It’s also worth mentioning that I am leaving this job next month so even if things were to get complicated between us, him being a co-worker only lasts a few more weeks!

Thanks for reading

Was worried at first but this is good to hear

20 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Have you reached out & thanked him for the date?  If not, do that. Some men need that as a green light.  

This. 

[Gaeta]

25 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Have you reached out & thanked him for the date?  If not, do that. Some men need that as a green light.  

She paid, he should be the one reaching out to thank you again. No?

[d0nnivain]

@Gaeta

I thought he paid:   

28 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

He kindly picked up the cheque.

 

[Gaeta]

@babybrowns: I've learn a great lesson last week. When a man is interested he acts interested. Also it's not because a man is shy that he doesn't know how to contact a woman to ask her out. Men go after what they want, shy or not. 

[Gaeta]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

@Gaeta

I thought he paid:   

I read she picked up the cheque. I need new reading glasses it seems. 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

We didn’t exchange numbers though (I think he’s on a temporary phone anyway right now coz his phone was stolen recently).

How is he supposed to reach out? Are you connected on any social media?  Don't you think it's odd that he has a burner phone and only communicates through work email?

[glows]

When was this lunch? Does he know that you're leaving the company soon? He may take till thy kingdom come and you won't have access to email if he doesn't know. Send him a quick thanks in email and tell him you're moving on from the company, include your personal cellphone and see what happens. Don't wait indefinitely and meet other men.

 

[BeanCounter]

I don't see the big deal with a man having to be the one to ask someone out. If you had a nice time and want to see him again, go for it and just ask him what day would work for a dinner date.

[Yosemite]

How long ago was the date?

It's a lot more nerve wracking to ask someone out on a first date than to ask them out on a second date after the first one went well...so I'm not sure that it makes sense to blame shyness.

If the first date was over a week ago, it seems likely that he's either lazy or not interested. Wait for him to ask you out again, if he hasn't done it by the time you leave the job, send him a friendly good-bye email on your last day and give your personal number. If he still doesn't ask you out, you can be sure that he's not interested.

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

I think what encouraged him to the extent of doing it recently is that I’ve tried to be a little less subtle with my own signs (I’m good at hiding a crush!) which finally encouraged him enough

If you believe he's shy why wouldn't you be more obvious instead of less?  I don't understand this rationale.

 

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

However I didn’t give too many romantic signs away on our date though; part of me was still in ‘work mode’ since it was during the work day, but I did say yes to his proposal to meet again.

I don't get this.  Guys like it when the woman acts like she likes him, that she's having a good time.  I don't get all of this underselling.

You act like you like him, he begins to feel good about himself, more confident, then he's more excited about seeing you.  If you act like you could take it or leave it, then he's probably wondering if you even like him.  If I were in his spot I would not be tripping over myself to make the next date.

[babybrowns]

Thank you all for your responses thus far. The date was 4 days ago. I did thank him at the end of the date for taking me out for a wonderful lunch. That in addition to fondly accepting his proposal for meeting again, made me feel I didn’t really need to send an extra thank you?

Also I do want to see if he does take the initiative and get in touch himself for that second date. This is especially because last year I was involved for a while with someone who was really not into me and led me on for 6 months so I do want to be sure that the next person is genuinely interested.

And yes he knows I’m leaving, I think it is what contributed to him wanting to make the move

 

[babybrowns]

11 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

She didn't even act interested though.  She purposefully hid her interest.  How is he supposed to be interested with that response from her?  This isn't dating in good faith, it's playing games.

I didn’t say I didn’t act interested: just that I was in Work Mode, it being the middle of a Work Day, as anyone who takes their job seriously would be. And honestly from fondly accepting his proposal for date #2 I don’t think he left the date thinking I’m indifferent. 

I am hoping that he is the one out of the two of us who reaches out so that I know he is still feeling genuinely interested after the lunch, which by the way was the first time we had the chance to properly talk for more than 10 minutes, just the two of us. I had fears before the date as to would it be awkward since literally we hardly knew each other and have hardly properly spoken before, but it went great.

And yes, as is the thought process of any woman after not hearing from a man after what felt like a great date, I also don’t want to put myself out there if he is having second thoughts. I want him to pursue, especially for reasons I mentioned prior, or else I’m not in this.

Edited June 15, 2021 by babybrowns

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you all for your responses thus far. The date was 4 days ago. I did thank him at the end of the date for taking me out for a wonderful lunch. That in addition to fondly accepting his proposal for meeting again, made me feel I didn’t really need to send an extra thank you?

Also I do want to see if he does take the initiative and get in touch himself for that second date. This is especially because last year I was involved for a while with someone who was really not into me and led me on for 6 months so I do want to be sure that the next person is genuinely interested.

It's my personal opinion but when someone pays for you, you take the time to thank them again. He doesn't have to suffer for your last year bad experience. 

Edited June 15, 2021 by Gaeta

[dramafreezone]

10 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I didn’t say I didn’t act interested: just that I was in Work Mode, it being the middle of a Work Day, as anyone who takes their job seriously would be. And honestly from fondly accepting his proposal for date #2 I don’t think he left the date thinking I’m indifferent. 
 

Well I understand the explanation but you did say that you concealed your interest.  For whatever the reason, attraction grows because of how that person makes us feel.  If you don't make him feel a certain way, then it stifles the romantic progression. 

Also, if he's dated enough women then he knows that a woman saying she'd love to see you again doesn't mean much.  Very few have ever said to me, "nah I'm not feeling this, have a nice life."  I can only think of one that comes to mind actually.

It's also odd that you two have no way to communicate with each other aside from seeing each other at work, so that's not working in your favor.  If you're still interested why don't you go his office and say "hey you!"  Smile, act like you like him.  In that spot, I would take that opportunity to set another date.  If he doesn't then you'll have your answer and you can move on.

Edited June 15, 2021 by dramafreezone

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

@babybrowns: I've learn a great lesson last week. When a man is interested he acts interested. Also it's not because a man is shy that he doesn't know how to contact a woman to ask her out. Men go after what they want, shy or not. 

Just not so.  The very definition of such shyness is having huge barriers to taking such initiative despite being interested.   It can come from a variety of sources, usually inexperience combined with uncertainty/insecurity etc.  So after a date one person texting the other they had a great time is important, and if you want to do it again just say that; especially if you think he is shy.

For many "shy" guys the barrier is low, they just need that bit of I had fun from her, for some it is higher, they need the let's do this again.  After that then they have greater issues than most reasonably want to deal with or low interest.

 

ADDED: As to women who show low interest themselves, never understood such games.  What does it say about a man who pursues you anyway despite you giving him signals he is not interested?   Little good in my mind, but I'm not dating men so who is to say.  

Edited June 15, 2021 by SumGuy

[babybrowns]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

I think what encouraged him to the extent of doing it recently is that I’ve tried to be a little less subtle with my own signs (I’m good at hiding a crush!) which finally encouraged him enough.

I quote myself; recently I have stopped concealing it so much. Which is what encouraged him to take the plunge. I really don’t want to be the one that escalates this, I want to see if it comes from him.

But I do reflect that I didn’t give him too many flirtatious signals on the date, so perhaps he is worried about coming across as too keen. Too keen relative to what could have just been, from his perspective, simple politeness from me. Would an overly polite woman say yes to a man asking her out again? Perhaps yes on the spot, to avoid hurting feelings 

Perhaps I’ll send him something like a funny meme and see if he takes that opportunity to initiate talk about ‘next time’. 

Edited June 15, 2021 by babybrowns

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Perhaps I’ll send him something like a funny meme and see if he takes that opportunity to initiate talk about ‘next time’. 

He seems interested. Invite him to something/someplace you know of/enjoy to reciprocate 

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Just not so.  The very definition of such shyness is having huge barriers to taking such initiative despite being interested.   It can come from a variety of sources, usually inexperience combined with uncertainty/insecurity etc.

Who would want to date a man suffering from that level of shyness. This must impact his entire life, can't ask for a pay raise, can't compete, can't stand up for himself or worse can't stand up for her. 

[dramafreezone]

11 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I think what encouraged him to the extent of doing it recently is that I’ve tried to be a little less subtle with my own signs (I’m good at hiding a crush!) which finally encouraged him enough.

 

Correlation does not imply causation.  I don't get how seeming less interested would spur someone who you perceive to be a shy person into action.  It probably had more to do with the fact that you're leaving and he's running out of time.

You don't have to escalate anything.  Being uninhibited isn't escalating, it's being honest.

[babybrowns]

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Correlation does not imply causation.  I don't get how seeming less interested would spur someone who you perceive to be a shy person into action. 

But it is the reverse; less subtle = more interested signals!! That’s what I am saying 

 

[BaileyB]

52 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

That in addition to fondly accepting his proposal for meeting again, made me feel I didn’t really need to send an extra thank you?

Wrong. 

I would always send a follow up text after a date, and I also thanked him and told him that I had a nice time when we said goodbye. I would often try to find something related to the date to text about, to continue the conversation. 

Example, thank you for the wonderful dinner the last night. I was just looking at recipes, I want to try to make that (meal) again. It was so good! Talk later. 

Or, I really enjoyed the movie last night. Did you know, the lead actor was also in (name movie). I thought I knew him - I love that movie too! Hope you are well. Talk soon. 

Now, this is not to say you should be chasing a man down who isn’t showing any interest in dating you and/or consistently asking you out and following through. It’s just, flirting. You are showing interest. Allowing him to feel safe in asking you out again! 

At this point, I would say - what do you have to lose if you send him a text like this to start some more conversation or inquire when he is free to get together for dinner? While I like a man who takes charge and asks a woman out, women who sit around waiting for men to initiate every conversation/date tend to be very lonely women…

[cleverusername]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Wrong. 

I would always send a follow up text after a date, and I also thanked him and told him that I had a nice time when we said goodbye. I would often try to find something related to the date to text about, to continue the conversation. 

Example, thank you for the wonderful dinner the last night. I was just looking at recipes, I want to try to make that (meal) again. It was so good! Talk later. 

Or, I really enjoyed the movie last night. Did you know, the lead actor was also in (name movie). I thought I knew him - I love that movie too! Hope you are well. Talk soon. 

Now, this is not to say you should be chasing a man down who isn’t showing any interest in dating you and/or consistently asking you out and following through. It’s just, flirting. You are showing interest. Allowing him to feel safe in asking you out again! 

At this point, I would say - what do you have to lose if you send him a text like this to start some more conversation or inquire when he is free to get together for dinner? While I like a man who takes charge and asks a woman out, women who sit around waiting for men to initiate every conversation/date tend to be very lonely women…

Yup. 1 thanks = polite. 2 thanks= lets do it again

[BaileyB]

Just now, cleverusername said:

Yup. 1 thanks = polite. 2 thanks= lets do it again

Totally!