Modern dating is so frustrating how do you even survive?

June 15, 2021

I find modern dating so frustrating. I just got kicked to the curb by a girl who was playing games so I am a bit in my feels atm. I feel like you gotta be perfect to get anything now adays. Either the women play games, they are confused with their emotions, they flake. Women can just log on tinder and find someone so easily. The good ones are mostly taken. I feel like you gotta be the perfect guy to get anything. I just feel a bit defeated and tired of it.

I remember during my younger years I was like oh once I get a good job then it will get easier, but nope still running into different kind of problems now. I am 30 years old, I work out often, I am a RN, I have my own place, fully independent, have a chill and outgoing personality. Its tough out there. I do feel a bit of societal pressure as I am 30 now and everyone around me has someone, married, or have kids. Most of my friends in my age group we just grew apart cause they have their own adulting lives or too busy. One knock is I don't really have much friends where I currently live. I live in a small college town and moved here for work. I work night shifts and my lifestyle is basically work, catch up on sleep, play video games or work out. I don't even know how to begin socializing as most of my coworkers are a bit older than me they have family and kids.

I am wondering if I should move to a different city and if it would solve my problems. Its lonely, humans we value connection.

Edited June 15, 2021 by lovers12

June 15, 2021

5 minutes ago, lovers12 said:

One knock is I don't really have much friends where I currently live. I live in a small college town and moved here for work. I work night shifts and my lifestyle is basically work, catch up on sleep, play video games or work out. I don't even know how to begin socializing as most of my coworkers are a bit older than me they have family and kids.

This will make it much more frustrating. Essentially you’re counting on dating to fill up the vast majority of your human connection needs. If you had a diverse social life including friends, family, colleagues, hobbies etc. then you could date with a lighter heart.

Dating should be fun. If you’re dating strangers, such as through OLD, you just need to accept that most people won’t be a match. It can still be fun, but you need to lower those expectations.

8 minutes ago, lovers12 said:

I am wondering if I should move to a different city and if it would solve my problems. Its lonely, humans we value connection.

I think working days instead of nights so you’re on the same schedule as most people would give you more opportunities to socialize organically.

June 15, 2021

9 minutes ago, lovers12 said:

I find modern dating so frustrating. I just got kicked to the curb by a girl who was playing games so I am a bit in my feels atm. I feel like you gotta be perfect to get anything now adays. Either the women play games, they are confused with their emotions, they flake. Women can just log on tinder and find someone so easily. The good ones are mostly taken. I feel like you gotta be the perfect guy to get anything. I just feel a bit defeated and tired of it.

I remember during my younger years I was like oh once I get a good job then it will get easier, but nope still running into different kind of problems now. I am 30 years old, I work out often, I am a RN, I have my own place, fully independent, have a chill and outgoing personality. Its tough out there. I do feel a bit of societal pressure as I am 30 now and everyone around me has someone, married, or have kids. Most of my friends in my age group we just grew apart cause they have their own adulting lives or too busy. One knock is I don't really have much friends where I currently live. I live in a small college town and moved here for work. I work night shifts and my lifestyle is basically work, catch up on sleep, play video games or work out. I don't even know how to begin socializing as most of my coworkers are a bit older than me they have family and kids.

I am wondering if I should move to a different city and if it would solve my problems. Its lonely, humans we value connection.

I'd bet that pressure is manifesting it's way somehow into your relationships. You just weren't the right fit, it sucks but better to find out now than 3yrs into your marriage with a kid on the way.....

What are your hobbies?

June 15, 2021

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

This will make it much more frustrating. Essentially you’re counting on dating to fill up the vast majority of your human connection needs. If you had a diverse social life including friends, family, colleagues, hobbies etc. then you could date with a lighter heart.

Dating should be fun. If you’re dating strangers, such as through OLD, you just need to accept that most people won’t be a match. It can still be fun, but you need to lower those expectations.

I think working days instead of nights so you’re on the same schedule as most people would give you more opportunities to socialize organically.

How do I find non isolated hobbies and have a more diverse social life? I feel like its not the same as my youngers years like in school you meet people through there or community groups etc... Now it seems like its work and recover.

June 15, 2021

5 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

I'd bet that pressure is manifesting it's way somehow into your relationships. You just weren't the right fit, it sucks but better to find out now than 3yrs into your marriage with a kid on the way.....

What are your hobbies?

My hobbies is working out, I enjoy playing basketball but don't really know anyone in the town I live in. Thats the thing I don't really have much hobbies. Dont know what hobbies I would even choose that is not isolating. I used to do brazilian jiu jitsu but quit it cause I was getting unmotivated, lazy, monthly fees were a bit.

June 15, 2021

4 minutes ago, lovers12 said:

My hobbies is working out, I enjoy playing basketball but don't really know anyone in the town I live in. Thats the thing I don't really have much hobbies. Dont know what hobbies I would even choose that is not isolating. I used to do brazilian jiu jitsu but quit it cause I was getting unmotivated, lazy, monthly fees were a bit.

So is this a pretty small town, or are you just new there?

June 15, 2021

6 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

So is this a pretty small town, or are you just new there?

Nope, i have been here for a year and 3 months now.

June 15, 2021

It's a college town. Are there graduate students closer to your age?

You like to play basketball, find some pick up games. Make new friends.

Look around for meet up groups not related to the school. I used to go to ones that played board games.

I assume as part of your profession you have to do continuing education. Try to an in person class & see who is around there. Check out various lunch & learn seminars offered at the local hospital.

Volunteer somewhere doing something you care about. Take or teach a class.

It does take more effort as an adult but it is possible.

June 15, 2021

1 hour ago, lovers12 said:

I find modern dating so frustrating. I just got kicked to the curb by a girl who was playing games so I am a bit in my feels atm. I feel like you gotta be perfect to get anything now adays. Either the women play games, they are confused with their emotions, they flake. Women can just log on tinder and find someone so easily. The good ones are mostly taken. I feel like you gotta be the perfect guy to get anything. I just feel a bit defeated and tired of it.

I remember during my younger years I was like oh once I get a good job then it will get easier, but nope still running into different kind of problems now. I am 30 years old, I work out often, I am a RN, I have my own place, fully independent, have a chill and outgoing personality. Its tough out there. I do feel a bit of societal pressure as I am 30 now and everyone around me has someone, married, or have kids. Most of my friends in my age group we just grew apart cause they have their own adulting lives or too busy. One knock is I don't really have much friends where I currently live. I live in a small college town and moved here for work. I work night shifts and my lifestyle is basically work, catch up on sleep, play video games or work out. I don't even know how to begin socializing as most of my coworkers are a bit older than me they have family and kids.

I am wondering if I should move to a different city and if it would solve my problems. Its lonely, humans we value connection.

Maybe deal with the bold above instead of catastrophizing. Why did you both stop seeing each other? What kind of person was she? Did you both move too quickly? How well did you know this person and vice versa? Why do you believe she was "playing games"?

Don't get carried away with this kind of pessimism. If the town is too small, make some adjustments. Filter your dates and ignore the immature ones or one who are not at the same life stage as you.

Edited June 15, 2021 by glows

June 15, 2021

59 minutes ago, lovers12 said:

I find modern dating so frustrating. I just got kicked to the curb by a girl who was playing games so I am a bit in my feels atm. I feel like you gotta be perfect to get anything now adays. Either the women play games, they are confused with their emotions, they flake. Women can just log on tinder and find someone so easily. The good ones are mostly taken. I feel like you gotta be the perfect guy to get anything. I just feel a bit defeated and tired of it.

Online dating is hard for men & women equally. I could give you a long list of how I got played, lied to, ghosted. One message out of 3 that I receive is an offer for sex. It feels like an impossible task to find a normal man.

At 30 you don't need online. Tell your friends that you're looking for someone and to match you up with their single friends.

June 15, 2021

1 hour ago, lovers12 said:

Women can just log on tinder and find someone so easily.

While this is true, women have different (but very real) problems in dating. It's either:

1. Decision paralysis, in which they have so many options that they cannot commit to one.

2. So many apparent options that they eliminate what may be good men for trivial flaws, or

3. Their picker is just poorly calibrated (this may be tied into #2).

As a younger man I envied women. As a man of 41 I prefer my problems of not close to as many options as the average woman. I have much lower quantity, but I think the quality of the dates I do go on is high, generally speaking.

Also a lot of guys say "oh well she can go out and get laid anytime she wants." While that is also true for many women, women know that guys will typically have sex with a woman as long as she's not completely unkept, extremely obese, you get the picture. So women don't view getting laid as some accomplishment like many men do, and they know that many times that guy is after their vagina and not them as a person.

So when in their minds, they eliminate the guys that just want sex and the ones with trivial flaws, they don't really have very many options at all. If someone doesn't seriously have a chance with her because of her criteria, it's just a warm body, not a viable romantic option.

Also you have to understand that while your job is nice, it doesn't create attraction. We're all attracted not to what someone has, but how that person makes us feel. You can be a billionaire, and maybe because of that immense wealthy, it may make a woman you're dating have some sort of low-intensity attraction/intrigue. But that's not because of the money, it's because of the talent, intellect, or competitiveness it took to get that wealth), but that in itself isn't enough. You have to bring it home with your personality. There's no getting around that.

Work on getting rid of that desperation that I can sense in your diatribe. Start to believe that you have value. No woman is looking to date down or bring you up, so you have to act as if you're on her level or greater. Build a full life so that you don't have this void of lonlieness. Once you do that, you'll start to view dates as on your valuable time, so it's more about "is she right for me," rather than "oh man I better not mess this up." You're 30, that's nothing, you haven't even hit your stride until you get to 35. Consider moving to a major city also. Having more options would help, but it's not going to fix your attitude.

Edited June 15, 2021 by dramafreezone

June 15, 2021

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

While this is true, women have different (but very real) problems in dating. It's either:

1. Decision paralysis, in which they have so many options that they cannot commit to one.

2. So many apparent options that they eliminate what may be good men for trivial flaws, or

3. Their picker is just poorly calibrated (this may be tied into #2).

As a younger man I envied women. As a man of 41 I prefer my problems of not close to as many options as the average woman. I have much lower quantity, but I think the quality of the dates I do go on is high, generally speaking.

Also a lot of guys say "oh well she can go out and get laid anytime she wants." While that is also true for many women, women know that guys will typically have sex with a woman as long as she's not completely unkept, extremely obese, you get the picture. So women don't view getting laid as some accomplishment like many men do, and they know that many times that guy is after their vagina and not them as a person.

Also you have to understand that while your job is nice, it doesn't create attraction. We're all attracted not to what someone has, but how that person makes us feel. You can be a billionaire, and maybe because of that immense wealthy, it may make a woman you're dating have some sort of low-intensity attraction/intrigue. But that's not because of the money, it's because of the talent, intellect, or competitiveness it took to get that wealth), but that in itself isn't enough. You have to bring it home with your personality. There's no getting around that.

Work on getting rid of that desperation that I can sense in your diatribe. Start to believe that you have value. No woman is looking to date down or bring you up, so you have to act as if you're on her level or greater. Build a full life so that you don't have this void of lonlieness. Once you do that, you'll start to view dates as on your valuable time, so it's more about "is she right for me," rather than "oh man I better not mess this up." You're 30, that's nothing, you haven't even hit your stride until you get to 35.

Men get to go after what they want, women have to choose the best option..... at least if you're going by gender norms.

June 15, 2021

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

While this is true, women have different (but very real) problems in dating. It's either:

1. Decision paralysis, in which they have so many options that they cannot commit to one.

2. So many apparent options that they eliminate what may be good men for trivial flaws, or

3. Their picker is just poorly calibrated (this may be tied into #2).

As a younger man I envied women. As a man of 41 I prefer my problems of not close to as many options as the average woman. I have much lower quantity, but I think the quality of the dates I do go on is high, generally speaking.

Also a lot of guys say "oh well she can go out and get laid anytime she wants." While that is also true for many women, women know that guys will typically have sex with a woman as long as she's not completely unkept, extremely obese, you get the picture. So women don't view getting laid as some accomplishment like many men do, and they know that many times that guy is after their vagina and not them as a person.

So when in their minds, they eliminate the guys that just want sex and the ones with trivial flaws, they don't really have very many options at all. If someone doesn't seriously have a chance with her because of her criteria, it's just a warm body, not a viable romantic option.

Also you have to understand that while your job is nice, it doesn't create attraction. We're all attracted not to what someone has, but how that person makes us feel. You can be a billionaire, and maybe because of that immense wealthy, it may make a woman you're dating have some sort of low-intensity attraction/intrigue. But that's not because of the money, it's because of the talent, intellect, or competitiveness it took to get that wealth), but that in itself isn't enough. You have to bring it home with your personality. There's no getting around that.

Work on getting rid of that desperation that I can sense in your diatribe. Start to believe that you have value. No woman is looking to date down or bring you up, so you have to act as if you're on her level or greater. Build a full life so that you don't have this void of lonlieness. Once you do that, you'll start to view dates as on your valuable time, so it's more about "is she right for me," rather than "oh man I better not mess this up." You're 30, that's nothing, you haven't even hit your stride until you get to 35. Consider moving to a major city also. Having more options would help, but it's not going to fix your attitude.

Thank you for the pick me up. Felt what you said is pretty true. Less trying to get laid more on making her feel good.

June 15, 2021

3 hours ago, lovers12 said:

I live in a small college town and moved here for work. I work night shifts and my lifestyle is basically work, catch up on sleep, play video games or work out.

Change shifts and/or jobs. That would be the best solution.

June 15, 2021

Blaming "women" for your dating woes almost automatically means you've got the wrong attitude about dating, and certainly the wrong attitude about women.

You may well be in the wrong town. If so, that's your adult duty to figure out and then get to, if you can, a location with more of your kind of people.

Dude, you're a nurse. So you're around a ton of women at work. Must be tons of opportunities to connect with women. Even if you don't connect romantically, dude, you should be able to make friends with a lot of women. Those women friends know other women, and they could also advise you.

Something in your is interfering with connecting with people--and it's not just "women are flaky."

June 15, 2021

3 hours ago, lovers12 said:

I work night shifts and my lifestyle is basically work, catch up on sleep, play video games or work out.

Drop the video games and go out instead.

Tell everybody at work, who happen to be 90% women, that you're single and looking and are open to be introduced to their single friends. Women love playing match makers.

June 15, 2021

3 hours ago, lovers12 said:

Nope, i have been here for a year and 3 months now.

That's new , what are you talking about. Most places take yrs to fall into shape with a move.

The bs of women able to just magically do this or do that on date sites is the allusion. Don't you read round here of all the women struggling there's 100s of them and for yrs . Don't you see on your date site most of them have been on them for yrs. Don't you hear all the stories from them of the bs they get on date sites too. You'd have to be blind to miss any of that. They might be able to get a date easier than you , but a date is nothing , just rubbish . A real relationship and love is just as hard for women to find as it is men.

You sound like you think your lack of success is this or that but truth is , you just haven't met the right woman yet, If she was , none of whatever you think would matter to her, or to you. See lots of threads like yours but they just don't seem to understand how these things really work.

June 15, 2021

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Online dating is hard for men & women equally.

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

One message out of 3 that I receive is an offer for sex.

I wish my online dating experience was equally this bad.

June 15, 2021

If you're doing online dating, you have to have thick skin.... And realize the majority of women on there are flakes/time wasters.

Don't waste time crafting messages, just send brief ones. Don't get your hopes up when you get replies because they'll most likely flake on you. You have to just keep plugging at it and don't get too invested in it. You may eventually meet someone but it's not easy.

Get involved in some social activities because it's much better to meet women in real life.

June 15, 2021

58 minutes ago, Shining One said:

I wish my online dating experience was equally this bad.

Me too

June 15, 2021

online dating is definitely harder for men, guys just don’t talk about it a whole lot. as an RN your livelihood allows you more flexibility so you can always consider moving to another city.

Edited June 15, 2021 by Interstellar

June 16, 2021

36 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

online dating is definitely harder for men, guys just don’t talk about it a whole lot. as an RN your livelihood allows you more flexibility so you can always consider moving to another city.

Need to get off of OLD. A woman that looks at you, is 50/50 then swipes left will probably give you a chance if you instead meet her out in public by chance. In person, you're way ahead of those OLD guys that she may have swiped right on but may not even get her on a date.

Edited June 16, 2021 by dramafreezone

June 16, 2021

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

Need to get off of OLD. A woman that looks at you, is 50/50 then swipes left will probably give you a chance if you instead meet her out in public by chance. In person, you're way ahead of those OLD guys that she may have swiped right on but may not even get her on a date.

indeed, but I don’t want to write it off completely since I still want to use online dating as a third, fourth, or fifth option.

June 16, 2021

11 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

indeed, but I don’t want to write it off completely since I still want to use online dating as a third, fourth, or fifth option.

Used as an alternate source of potential dates, yes that makes a lot of sense.

Quote

Dude, you're a nurse. So you're around a ton of women at work. Must be tons of opportunities to connect with women. Even if you don't connect romantically, dude, you should be able to make friends with a lot of women. Those women friends know other women, and they could also advise you.

This is a great point. OP you work in fertile dating grounds, at the least you can get a lot of practice speaking to women. You're probably better than you think. You just need to start talking to the ones that you like the same way you talk to the ones you don't.

Edited June 16, 2021 by dramafreezone

June 16, 2021

Tinder and any other online dating site is crap for guys, but especially apps such as Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, and other similar dating apps.

Tinder and other similar dating apps is all about your physical appearance. You get 3-5 photos plus a short bio to convince a woman to swipe right on you, of course it's based on your looks. Tinder works best for men who are an 8+ in the looks department. Men are who are a 6 or 7 can still be successful on Tinder but it's going to take a lot of rejection, work, and effort for you to be successful. However, if you're a 4 or under, don't bother with using Tinder. You're simply not good looking enough to get enough matches to justify using the app.

Edit: If you don't know where you stand, go on r/rateme on reddit and post a picture of yourself. People there will be honest with you.

Edited June 16, 2021 by GuitarGuy7

Sign In

Modern dating is so frustrating how do you even survive?

Recommended Posts

lovers12

Weezy1973

cleverusername

lovers12

lovers12

cleverusername

lovers12

d0nnivain

glows

Gaeta

dramafreezone

cleverusername

lovers12

Wiseman2

Lotsgoingon

Gaeta

chillii

Shining One

norealusername

norealusername

Interstellar

dramafreezone

Interstellar

dramafreezone

GuitarGuy7

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...