Help with being more Thoughtful and Awareness

[Hopeless idiot]

Hi all,

I have been in a long term relationship for about 11 years 3.5 of them we have been married, i am stuck in a cycle of not thinking about my SO in terms what i can do that will make her happier.

My Wife over the years has organized planned and done most of that type of thing where as i have not been lets say as spontaneous or thoughtful about her, i love her to the ends of the earth and want to change how i think and be more aware of what's going on and plan more things for us to do, the issue is in the past when ever i have done anything and its not the way she would have done it i would end up asking her opinion so i got stuck in that cycle of asking her and not just doing what i thought was best , each time she gives a valid point of how it can be done differently, so invariably i did it her way.

She has been going to counselling for help with past issue with friends and family where in she felt she was powerless to do anything and in these session she has been asked to to release some of the responsibility, the upshot of this she asked me to book and arrange breakfast on last sunday, which i didnt really put much effort into it so it all got brought up.

Also my initial reaction is to make excuse not just just say i messed up.

What i need is some advice on how i can change my mindset and become more thoughtful?

 

Any advise is greatly recieved

 

Thanks

Matt

[d0nnivain]

Just get in the habit of doing nice things.  Send her a text that says you love her or are thinking of her.  Write similar sentiments on stickie notes & hide them for her to find.  If money allows, get her flowers or some other surprise present she loves just because.  Lindt chocolate truffles are my favorite so every once in a while maybe 3x per year DH will bring home a bag ($5.99 -- $7.99 in the store so it's not a huge expense). 

Offer to do things she hates -- make the bed, do the laundry, make dinner, etc.  

What was so hard about booking a breakfast reservation?  How much effort does that really take?  Consider downloading an app.  If you were required to actually make breakfast, can you be more specific about what you did vs. what she was expecting?   If you put eggs, juice & toast in front of her, why wasn't that good enough?  Was she expecting eggs benedict or fresh crepes?  

It's hard when you help but get criticized anyway.  I have been on the receiving end of that & it made me not want to help.  When I find myself doing it to my husband (that's not the "right" way to do that) he snaps at me & walks away.  I've learned to say "can I show you an easier way to do what you're doing? " rather than "do it like this."  

[Hopeless idiot]

Thanks for the reply, I regularly make breakfast on the weekends so as we where going to do a lot of Jobs she said book somewhere for breakfast so we can go and do something nice and i got some info some of which was poor and it fell on it face and we didn't go in the end because she was too annoyed with my efforts being so poor and ill thought. 

So now i cant really do anything atm because it will feel contrived as me trying to make amends but i cant seem to sustain it, after about 1-2 months i fall over again.

Dont get me wrong she likes to organise, but she has an overactive mind and she constantly thinking about everything, which causing poor sleep etc, and feels she needs to think for me too (probably because i was coddled growing up, mummy's boy) so i like the ideas about the notes etc, flowers i do that every month anyway so thats not special anymore.

I have set a calendar reminder for myself every week to try and prompt me to do something nice

 

Thanks Again

[d0nnivain]

Download an app onto your phone called Open Table.  Use it to make reservations.  It's easy & you get reviews right there.  

Try to do something nice more than once per week.  

[Wiseman2]

Is the therapist encouraging her to not be a control freak and to start delegating things? Sounds like an exercise this counseling is suggesting. Just do more stuff around the house without being asked.

[Hopeless idiot]

I do everything around the house all household chores, its more the feeling of me letting her down when she asked me to do something and this isn't the first time its happened.

She doesn't trust me any more to complete things, basically i am the one trying to change but every time I get to a certain point I lapse either by complacency or forgetfullness.

I dont think this is going to end well  and it will be my fault.

She is seeing the counselor today so will see what the outcome, is maybe the counselor will help her see i am trying or...

Thansk again for the advice

MAtt

[d0nnivain]

Do you have a problem completing projects in the rest of your life?  If not, apply those same skills to your personal life.  

Maybe you two could benefit from reading about love languages.  You doing the chores is an act of service but if that is not her language the message is not being received.  

[Hopeless idiot]

My middle name is Arthur as in half a job.

Not sure what love languages are.

[d0nnivain]

The 5 Love Languages is a book by Gary Chapman.  It's been around for years.  You & your wife may want to consider reading it together.  

Edited June 16, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Hopeless idiot said:

I lapse either by complacency or forgetfullness. I dont think this is going to end well  and it will be my fault.

Well that's why she's in individual therapy rather than marriage therapy. She's thinking of divorce but giving it a last shot. She's tiptoeing out of the marriage so wake up.

[basil67]

Re your inability to complete projects, is it something which you've been challenged with for your whole life?   If so, have you ever been assessed for ADD? 

[Hopeless idiot]

@Wiseman2 She is in individual therapy for other reasons but when i cock up again and again it brings up the past problems she had in her life which i have been there for her through it all.

@basil67 I have always struggled with completing something and so has my Dad not sure if i get it from him or it is ADD. My wife thinks i am just a lazy thinker but i can manage to plan and do stuff for myself

@d0nnivain Thanks i will look it up

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Hopeless idiot said:

@Wiseman2  My wife thinks i am just a lazy 

And that's why she's testing things before she files for divorce. 

You seem ok with that. Don't run around trying to make procrastinating and blowing stuff off into a disease.

If she thinks you're lazy and selfish, it doesn't matter what armchair diagnoses you may have.

It means there's contempt and resentment and that's not looking good for the marriage.

Wake up or talk to an attorney about your options when the divorce papers come.

Edited June 17, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

5 hours ago, Hopeless idiot said:

My wife thinks i am just a lazy thinker but i can manage to plan and do stuff for myself

If you can plan & do stuff for yourself then you have the ability to do these things.  You don't do them for your wife because you don't want to.  It's not a priority to you.  Until you figure out why that is so you can address the underlying cause of your avoidance you won't be able to fix your marriage.  

[basil67]

12 hours ago, Hopeless idiot said:

@basil67 I have always struggled with completing something and so has my Dad not sure if i get it from him or it is ADD. My wife thinks i am just a lazy thinker but i can manage to plan and do stuff for myself

"I have always struggled with completing something" vs "[wife thinks]I can manage to plan and do stuff for myself".   Both things can't be true.  What do you think about your ability to stay on task?    

Did you know that if you Google "do I have add/adhd" you'll get a load of predicted responses with "or am I lazy?" added onto the end.  Being called "lazy" is a hallmark of ADD/ADHD.  That's not to say that there aren't just plain lazy people out there, but I think it's worth investigating.

For what it's worth, I was discussing ADHD with my son's psychiatrist and I mentioned how he can stay focused on an interest for quite a long time and the psych replied that people with ADD can also hyper focus.  So if you can hyper focus, this doesn't preclude you from ADD.   One of my cousins got an adult dx of ADD.  He's really smart but at school was always kept in at lunch to complete his work.  He's unable to hold down a job, but can concentrate to do the most delicate and beautiful art.  

 

[Hopeless idiot]

thanks for the advice all its apreciated

i have sought help via a charity called relate to see if they can help me become more emotionally mature, or offer advice on how to move forward.

[Lotsgoingon]

Can you get to some counseling?

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Hopeless idiot said:

i have sought help via a charity called relate to see if they can help me become more emotionally mature, or offer advice on how to move forward.

Why not go to a doctor/therapist (whichever your insurance covers) to see what is behind your passive-aggressive approach to things? Often it's unacknowledged resentment and a way to control someone when you feel out of control..

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm thinking this isn't solely your problem.

You and your wife are in a dance. It sounds like you're afraid to dance with her, and when you dance, you worry that this brings up all the ways you were a poor dancer in the past. And maybe she corrects you and all of that.

I can see how you would feel bad about the past, but look, at some point, your wife either has to forgive you or not. Sounds like you want to change, you're ready to change. But you need some positive reinforcement. Your wife sounds like she's just naturally a details person and she's gotten kinda controlling based on her confidence that she can "do things" better than you. But she has to back off some, to let you emerge. but 

And you might indeed have ADHD. The trait you mentioned is not being able to finish things. So if you can get that treated and go meet with a counselor, that would be great. Is your wife open to counseling with you?

[Hopeless idiot]

Thanks for the reply, I am having a triage session this week regarding solo counselling for anxiety which I think is part of my issue with communication. My wife is already getting counselling for herself and it seems to have brought things to light about me. I will see what happens in my own sessions and see how it goes thanks.

 

Thanks