Daisydooks Posted June 17, 2021 Posted June 17, 2021 On 6/14/2021 at 12:12 PM, contel3 said: I live with my boyfriend in a city about an hour away from his family and about 3 hours from my family. Due to Covid I havent seen my family at all, but I visit friends in my home town about once a month. Sometimes they also visit me. Overall I really like my boyfriends family. However, I feel drained spending so much time with them. We visit about every two weeks, for the whole weekend. Since I have a really stressful job, I don't get much time off during the week and it's just too much for me. My boyfriend would like to spend even more time there and I feel guilty every time I say I don't want to. Especially since he looks disappointed. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. I really value family time and I want him to have that. But I barely see my own friends and family and I can't relax and wind down while Im there. He has several siblings who live closer by and the girlfriends are always around. So I'd be the only one not showing up. Tell him to go alone. Youre allowed to have alone time. If he has an issue with that, too bad. You are NOT BEING UNREASONABLE. When do you actually get alone time? Or time to do things without each other? "I dont want to go. "No, thanks!" "I want some alone time. Go have fun." "Jessica is coming by Saturday. Go have some fun with your family, babe!" These are all statements I use without hesitation. This weekend even. Lol. I told my partner I needed some alone time. "The only time I am alone ever is when I drive myself to work. So 8 minutes a day. Please go out to a friends house." He agreed, laughed, said I would just sleep anyway and I told him, "if that's what I choose to do with my alone time, thats up to me." He went and had fun for a few hours without me. No one died. No one was mad. My cup was refilled. His was, too. Just remember, "no," is a full sentence in it of itself. Use it and get comfortable using it. What happens if you have kids? 1
Daisydooks Posted June 17, 2021 Posted June 17, 2021 On 6/14/2021 at 10:04 PM, Lotsgoingon said: Drop the guilt. I dare say most people don't have overwhelming fondness for a partner's family. How's that for understatement and formality? So let me say it bluntly: many people can't stand their partner's family. Or they can stand the partner's family for special occasions with time limits. It is unreasonable to expect a partner to enjoy our family as much as we do. Drop the guilt. You should feel NO PRESSURE at all for visiting your bf's family. He needs to grow the eff up and realize and outsider ain't gonna idolize his mama like he does. I adore my inlaws. They are fantastic and I love them to bits. I still dont want to spend 4 days of the month with them in and out. Lol! I dont even like my own family that much. An entire weekend with anyone is excessive. A few hours once a month is doable
Daisydooks Posted June 17, 2021 Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) On 6/15/2021 at 4:35 AM, contel3 said: I've wondered about this too. To be honest I'm not too sure where the parents stand. What I do know, is that my boyfriend gets really upset and fears losing his family when we miss a visit and that he gives me guilt trips for not wanting to be there the whole weekend. He thinks I "should be able to relax there, or at least try to". This weekend I said I wanted to go back on sunday to chill, and he asked "why? what are you gonna do?" To be fair I don't actually have plans and it doesn't feel right for me to plan an outing with other people just to have an excuse to get away. I havent figured out yet if thats just him or if the whole family works this way. I also get a lot of pressure to spend time with his siblings. Some of them I don't really like tbh (I genuinely like the parents though) and he's really pushing for us to spend more time with them. Go visit their home. Invite them at ours. If he visited and I didnt he asks me to make sure I visit too next time. This sounds absolutely exhausting. He is being very unreasonable. How long have you been together? How long has this been going on? Did you do this before you lived with him? Are your own relationships suffering because of it? Edited June 17, 2021 by Daisydooks
Author contel3 Posted June 22, 2021 Author Posted June 22, 2021 On 6/17/2021 at 7:06 AM, Daisydooks said: When do you actually get alone time? Or time to do things without each other? My own relationships are probably suffering from it to some extent - thats also part of why Im worried. I live further away from my friends and family, so travelling there is tiring and requires a lot of energy. So if Im not well rested and get some time to myself I tend to just....Not go. I havent seen any of my friends and family for over a month now. I have talked to him about it the last few days and he told me he understands that its a bit much. I've noticed though that now he's starting to invite people over without telling me first. He'll be like hey, just so you know, when you're back from work in an hour so and so will be over. The coming month I made many plans. I will be spending pretty much all weekends in my home town. So the problem is temporarily solved, but Im still worried long term. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 Excellent you are staying with your people more. Good plan. He seems very inconsiderate of your time, space and feelings. Something to consider. 2
ShyViolet Posted June 22, 2021 Posted June 22, 2021 11 hours ago, contel3 said: The coming month I made many plans. I will be spending pretty much all weekends in my home town. So the problem is temporarily solved, but Im still worried long term. It's very sad that you don't have a basic amount of trust and respect in this relationship to be able to tell him "I'm not doing this because I don't want to". Instead you feel that you have to make other plans to fill up all the time as an excuse, and you're "worried" about what's going to happen once you don't have plans. Why can't you just TELL him "I'm not doing this" and that's that? You feel as though you're never allowed to just have some downtime and relax in your own home? You feel as though you have to do what he tells you to do? You need to have way more confidence in yourself and assertiveness to just say NO. If you can't do that with him, then you seriously need to rethink this relationship. He is not treating you with respect, he's treating you like a child.
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