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Boyfriend and his family

contel3

By contel3
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contel3 Established Member

contel3

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I live with my boyfriend in a city about an hour away from his family and about 3 hours from my family. Due to Covid I havent seen my family at all, but I visit friends in my home town about once a month. Sometimes they also visit me.

Overall I really like my boyfriends family. However, I feel drained spending so much time with them. We visit about every two weeks, for the whole weekend. Since I have a really stressful job, I don't get much time off during the week and it's just too much for me.

My boyfriend would like to spend even more time there and I feel guilty every time I say I don't want to. Especially since he looks disappointed. 

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. I really value family time and I want him to have that. But I barely see my own friends and family and I can't relax and wind down while Im there. He has several siblings who live closer by and the girlfriends are always around. So I'd be the only one not showing up.

  • Like 1
ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

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You're not being unreasonable at all!  Having to spend two entire weekends a month with your bf's family is very excessive.  I would not be willing to do that in a relationship.  That is just way too much... I'm sorry but it's ridiculous for him to expect you to do that.  Tell him that you need some time to yourself and you do not want to spend every other weekend with his family.  He's an adult, he can go by himself some of the time.  You and him are not tied to each other, you don't have to go everywhere together. 

 If you ever don't feel like going then DON'T go, and don't feel bad about not going.  If he looks disappointed then he needs to just deal with it, because HE is the one being unreasonable in pressuring you to do this.

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norealusername Established Member

norealusername

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I agree, that's an excessive amount of time. He probably wouldn't like spending that amount of time with your family. You need to talk this out with him.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Tell him to go by himself. No need for you to follow him everytime. 

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Me and my husband fly solo all the time. Nothing wrong with having "me" time...it's not selfish, unless it's a special occasion. Your BF needs to get over it and let you have your space.

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Calmandfocused Established Member

Calmandfocused

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Compromise is my advice. 
 

Agree to go once a month and suggest that he either: go by himself for the other weekend, or; spend some more time with your family and friends every 2 weeks. 
 

It’s unreasonable for you to make all the sacrifices but it’s also unreasonable for you not to support him seeing his family if and when he wants to. On the other hand, it’s unreasonable for him not to consider your needs in all of this. 
 

Perfectly workable but you need to speak up in terms of what you want/ don’t want. 

  • Like 1
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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1 hour ago, contel3 said:

We visit about every two weeks, for the whole weekend.

Be busy. Plan things with your own friends and family, get a side hustle, take classes/courses, join clubs and groups, volunteer, etc.so you can honestly say you have plans/are busy.

Don't play into emotional blackmail/manipulation. It's nuts being with his family an entire weekend every other weekend.

If he wants to do that, let him, but consider if being in lockstep with them to this extreme is something you want to keep dealing with.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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If you go every other month that should be plenty for you.  He can stay on his every other weekend schedule while you plan fun things for yourself to decompress while he's with his family.  Just make sure there are some weekends for the two of you. 

Being in a relationship with somebody doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip. 

 

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earlgreymuffin Member

earlgreymuffin

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Every two weeks seems like a lot. I visit maayybe once a month and feel like it is often enough. I love his family but it's inevitably draining. Don't feel guity, you should definitely talk to him about this! :)

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Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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Drop the guilt. I dare say most people don't have overwhelming fondness for a partner's family. How's that for understatement and formality? So let me say it bluntly: many people can't stand their partner's family. Or they can stand the partner's family for special occasions with time limits.

It is unreasonable to expect a partner to enjoy our family as much as we do.

Drop the guilt. You should feel NO PRESSURE at all for visiting your bf's family. He needs to grow the eff up and realize and outsider ain't gonna idolize his mama like he does.

 

 

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MsJayne Established Member

MsJayne

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Way too much to ask of a partner, you're not being unreasonable at all. Maybe agree to go once a month and on the other weekend he's away do whatever makes you happy. Once a month, even every six weeks, is more than enough to catch up with family who live an hour away, especially if you feel obliged to stay overnight. I'd be interested to know whether this is a voluntary thing among the siblings in this family or whether there's pressure from the parents. Happy families are great, but when get-together's are an expectation rather than an invitation it can become a tedious chore. If anyone in the family gets huffy because you aren't toeing the family line, it may be time to reassess the relationship. Quite likely the other girlfriends are bored by it too, they probably have other friendships that suffer from the rigorous demands as well. 

  • Like 3
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contel3 Established Member

contel3

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4 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I'd be interested to know whether this is a voluntary thing among the siblings in this family or whether there's pressure from the parents.

I've wondered about this too. To be honest I'm not too sure where the parents stand. What I do know, is that my boyfriend gets really upset and fears losing his family when we miss a visit and that he gives me guilt trips for not wanting to be there the whole weekend. He thinks I "should be able to relax there, or at least try to".

This weekend I said I wanted to go back on sunday to chill, and he asked "why? what are you gonna do?" To be fair I don't actually have plans and it doesn't feel right for me to plan an outing with other people just to have an excuse to get away.

I havent figured out yet if thats just him or if the whole family works this way. I also get a lot of pressure to spend time with his siblings. Some of them I don't really like tbh (I genuinely like the parents though) and he's really pushing for us to spend more time with them. Go visit their home. Invite them at ours. If he visited and I didnt he asks me to make sure I visit too next time. 

Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

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23 minutes ago, contel3 said:

What I do know, is that my boyfriend gets really upset and fears losing his family when we miss a visit and that he gives me guilt trips for not wanting to be there the whole weekend.

This is unreasonable. However it sounds like you two have different core values when it comes to spending time with family. Neither is right or wrong, but trying to “force” you to be the way he wants instead of accepting you the way you are doesn’t work. There are basically two options. Compromise or break up.
 

But you’re going to have to communicate openly and honestly and let the chips fall where they may. If he is rigid and unwilling to compromise it might be the end of the relationship. 

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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Just say no. It's that simple.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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hey you need to put your foot down. Share your expectations with him. Explain to him you like alone time, to decompress, read a book, watch a movie, see your friends, etc. It's just the way you are so he better stop with the "look"/guilt trip. If this is truly really important to him...maybe you are at an impasse and you may have to reevaluate your relationship.

I tell you this, if you marry and have kids, this is gonna get way worse. There will be more pressure on you.

Edited by smackie9
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Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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To be honest I'm not too sure where the parents stand. What I do know, is that my boyfriend gets really upset and fears losing his family when we miss a visit and that he gives me guilt trips for not wanting to be there the whole weekend. 

A big red flag. BF gets anxious and upset and fears LOSING his family if he doesn't run to them like puppy dog? This behavior suggests he's not independent. I assume he has job and all of that. But one of the most important elements of independence is psychological. He's kissing up and fitting it. That's not the same as enjoying your family. Very different.

The red flag here is that bf will likely put his family first over you. He's already doing this. But the problem is deeper. BF can't even imagine why you might NOT want to run to his family all the time? HUGE red flag. Huge. He's clueless and stick in the child state, not the adult state. And bf is needy. As adults we want to shift more of our support and value to friends whose values we align with, people we choose. Sure, we keep up with family. Having a close sibling relationship is really wonderful in life. 

Your bf isn't a mama's boy. He's a family's boy.

That he fears not going to see them frequently--and fears how they'll respond--OMG his parents (don't say this to him, he's not ready) are highly manipulative and blatantly conditional with their love. Part of good parenting is letting your adult children go, so they can be their best selves. You save the micro-management for children who have trouble being independent.

Don't dare marry this guy unless he grows up. You'll one day be sick and he will literally prioritize his family over taking care of you. And even if he takes care of you, he'll be wanting to check in with his family and he'll be arguing with you to do the thing his family says, not what you say.

In-laws are one of the biggest conflicts in marriages. This is serious business. Do NOT marry this guy. 

And consider fighting this out with him. I don't think he's got the independence you're looking for. 

 

Edited by Lotsgoingon
MsJayne Established Member

MsJayne

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11 hours ago, contel3 said:

This weekend I said I wanted to go back on sunday to chill, and he asked "why? what are you gonna do?"

😬  This sounds quite controlling, very dismissive of your personal space and autonomy.  In fact, just the demand, (let's call it what it is), that you sacrifice so much of your leisure time to do something you don't particularly enjoy is an early warning. As @smackie9 said, if you had your own family with this guy the expectations would intensify.  I can see the scenario unfolding, it'll start with you missing a couple of visits, then you become the subject of family gossip, then you feel alienated and go there even less, and so on.  As for hanging out with the bro's when you don't even like them, that's a form of torture and a very good reason to step back and reassess compatibility.  One thing my partner and I agree on is that we don't "expect" each other to socialise with each others friends or family, occasionally yes, it's unavoidable in a relationship, but frequently, absolutely not. Your BF is being very self-centered, and guilt-tripping you is controlling and manipulative behaviour, as is dismissing your right to decide how you spend your leisure time.  

  • Like 3
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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12 hours ago, contel3 said:

This weekend I said I wanted to go back on sunday to chill, and he asked ""

Ok make a huge list of things you "need' to do. See this one and that one. Organize, clean this and that and the other. Do your banking, taxes.. Update your resume. Help a coworker with a project. Clean out the gutters.  Polish the wheels on your car. Check out puppies. Call your grandmother.  Get the calluses off your feet.  Plant tomatoes. Etc., etc., etc..

Always provide an overwhelming bulletproof list of thing you 'have to' do. Leave no wiggle room for "why? what are you gonna do?" Ever. 

Edited by Wiseman2
earlgreymuffin Member

earlgreymuffin

Posted
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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

Always provide an overwhelming bulletproof list of thing you 'have to' do. Leave no wiggle room for "why? what are you gonna do?" Ever. 

He should also be okay with you not giving him a reason. You are not obligated to go, he shouldn't question why. 

Crazelnut Established Member

Crazelnut

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You do not need a reason or a planned activity to take some time for yourself! Unwinding is whatever you want it to be. You don't have to give him a reason.

Maldives Established Member

Maldives

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 6/15/2021 at 2:12 AM, contel3 said:

I live with my boyfriend in a city about an hour away from his family and about 3 hours from my family. Due to Covid I havent seen my family at all, but I visit friends in my home town about once a month. Sometimes they also visit me.

Overall I really like my boyfriends family. However, I feel drained spending so much time with them. We visit about every two weeks, for the whole weekend. Since I have a really stressful job, I don't get much time off during the week and it's just too much for me.

My boyfriend would like to spend even more time there and I feel guilty every time I say I don't want to. Especially since he looks disappointed. 

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. I really value family time and I want him to have that. But I barely see my own friends and family and I can't relax and wind down while Im there. He has several siblings who live closer by and the girlfriends are always around. So I'd be the only one not showing up.

No not all your not being unreasonable. It's important to have boundaries like you have set that's for your own wellbeing without boundaries we'd get sick and unhappy. My ex wife was like that hardly saw my own family and friends and when we split you know what her complaint about me was? I don't spend any time with her family lol. I was so annoyed she saw it like that it was anything but that was always there and got no recognition for it in the end anyway. Don't do it keep drawing boundaries around this,  your own personal space is soooo important for your own mental well being. It also will recharge your batteries. Draw a line in the sand. it's not up to you to try and make him understand. If he keeps sooking drop his sorry arse 

Edited by Goodguy05
ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

Posted
Posted
On 6/15/2021 at 4:35 AM, contel3 said:

What I do know, is that my boyfriend gets really upset and fears losing his family when we miss a visit and that he gives me guilt trips for not wanting to be there the whole weekend. He thinks I "should be able to relax there, or at least try to".

This is completely unreasonable and ridiculous.  He needs to grow up.  He has no right to throw a tantrum and demand that you spend every other weekend at his parents' house.  You need to stand up to him and tell him that you are NOT doing this, that this is completely unreasonable.  If he doesn't accept that and continues to "get upset" then you should reconsider this relationship.

Frankly I find it weird that a grown man feels like he himself HAS to spend every other weekend, the entire weekend, at his parents' house.  Let alone forcing his girlfriend to do the same.  This is bizarre behavior.

  • Like 2
Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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His family sounds way too insular. Insular families can be absolutely toxic. 

  • Like 2
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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16 hours ago, earlgreymuffin said:

He should also be okay...

But he's not. He's interrogating her as to why she can't go, what is she doing etc. "Should" is vastly different from what is in reality and how to effectively manage it. Always be one step ahead, not on the what people "should do" level of bickering.

earlgreymuffin Member

earlgreymuffin

Posted
Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

But he's not. He's interrogating her as to why she can't go, what is she doing etc. "Should" is vastly different from what is in reality and how to effectively manage it. Always be one step ahead, not on the what people "should do" level of bickering.

I personally find it silly that she keep a list of activities to tell him when he questions her. A simple answer of "nothing" should suffice. Obviously, the bf is not taking that as an answer, then the next step would be to find another solution whether it be reevaluating the relationship etc., but not a list of bulletproof activities to tell him

Edited by earlgreymuffin
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