**hurting, broken and lost - how to move on?**

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

 the letter was delivered to her by a court policeman and when she received she called criminal lawyers office 

Sorry to hear that. They sound crazy. Sounds like a cease and desist letter? Good option.

Hopefully they will want nothing to do with the child so you don't have to have these two in your life forever.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, BiancaSW said:

there was no need for a D-day or anything like that - he could have just met with me and said “I am sorry, but I cannot move away from my family. We had feelings for each other but that’s the decision I have made. Can we stay friends or whatever”. I would have understood. He knows me well enough and knows I would have listened. Had he done it in a decent matter - there would be no drama. Wife would not know. There would be no need for the aftermath.

He is conflict avoidant. He’s not going to have the hard conversation with you because he is conflict avoidant. We know this based on everything you say about the man…

You would have handled it in a much more mature and responsible way. But, you are not him. And he, is not you. He was not capable of having this discussion with you so this is what you got instead. You shouldn’t really expect a dishonest, untrustworthy, conflict avoidant man to be honest, trustworthy, and straightforward with you. Not going to happen. 

Edited June 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[BiancaSW]

so he learnt I’m pregnant from my friend and ran to his wife for support and resolution? he didn’t need her support having sex with me...

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

so he learnt I’m pregnant from my friend and ran to his wife for support and resolution? he didn’t need her support having sex with me...

Do he and his wife want to be involved? Do you want a lifetime tie to these two?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, BiancaSW said:

so he learnt I’m pregnant from my friend and ran to his wife for support and resolution? he didn’t need her support having sex with me...

He likely ran to his wife to try and save his own sorry hide. Think of it this way Bianca, he needs to throw you under the bus because if he doesn’t, she may turn her anger and attention to him! He learns you are pregnant and the stakes rise - he needs to close ranks even more, he doubles down on cutting you out of his life and blaming you for this sorry situation. His wife is appeased (perhaps), and he continues along as he always intended (despite what he may have told you)… He will simply have to find another woman to have a one night stand in the future. Or, maybe this pregnancy will scare him away from any future affairs. Either way, his concern is for himself - particularly because he got caught and he needs to calm the waters at home. His concern is not for you or your unborn child and that is very telling. This man is not a man of character and he is not a good or responsible father. 

Edited June 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[basil67]

On 6/14/2021 at 8:45 PM, BiancaSW said:

he cudve told her anything he wanted. but calling me and humiliating me with her listening to the conversation? why to do that? To solidify his marriage? he knew how it would make me feel hearing that he never had feelings for me - he knew it would break me. why to do that? could he just not tell that to his wife?

He did the dirty on his wife by sleeping with you, so it stands to reason that he'll do the dirty on you when wanting to stay in the good books with his wife.  When you've been knowingly involved in an immoral situation, don't expect a moral ending.  Life doesn't work that way.

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

i decided currently not to press charges as it seems petty and pathetic to me. she will also lose her job to that due to the nature of her job.

Very decent of you IMO. You did sleep with her husband, and there is always the possibility of unforeseen retaliation, so there is that as well. Sometimes it's more reasonable to not push the envelope.

[Poppy47]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he know now? Did he at least offer to help financially with it?

It's unclear what you men by "his wife 'subscribed' you to AA"?

Hopefully you are recovering from your health situation and can one day have your own family with your own man.

Earlier in the thread, the poster mentioned that she has a disability and xMM's wife angrily subscribed her to all kinds of disability services as revenge.

[BiancaSW]

1 hour ago, Poppy47 said:

Earlier in the thread, the poster mentioned that she has a disability and xMM's wife angrily subscribed her to all kinds of disability services as revenge.

yes I’m under investigations for disabling health condition. It was unnecessary of him to share that bit with his wife, especially considering no one forced him to have a rship with me and as he stated he was not his wife’s property but a free man making his own decisions.... that was very unneeded and cruel of him.

Edited June 16, 2021 by BiancaSW

[BiancaSW]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Very decent of you IMO. You did sleep with her husband, and there is always the possibility of unforeseen retaliation, so there is that as well. Sometimes it's more reasonable to not push the envelope.

I am not scared of her retaliations, she did commit a criminal offence so she was warned. warning is probably the only mild thing one could do in this situation. 

[BiancaSW]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

He likely ran to his wife to try and save his own sorry hide. Think of it this way Bianca, he needs to throw you under the bus because if he doesn’t, she may turn her anger and attention to him! He learns you are pregnant and the stakes rise - he needs to close ranks even more, he doubles down on cutting you out of his life and blaming you for this sorry situation. His wife is appeased (perhaps), and he continues along as he always intended (despite what he may have told you)… He will simply have to find another woman to have a one night stand in the future. Or, maybe this pregnancy will scare him away from any future affairs. Either way, his concern is for himself - particularly because he got caught and he needs to calm the waters at home. His concern is not for you or your unborn child and that is very telling. This man is not a man of character and he is not a good or responsible father. 

yeah his concern is for himself and his own comfort. all his words meant nothing - him saying I won’t be able to live knowing there is an abandoned child of mine somewhere - 100% bulls*** 

his friend left his wee girl after girls mother found out about an affair he had elsewhere. so MM was always going on abt how that man never visits his daughter and it doesn’t matter whether he is together with her mum or not... etc etc. saying he would rather sacrifice his own life style than to see a child being abandoned.

then when he learnt about my situation he just dismissed it saying he doesnt believe me and that’s smth my friend and I came up with to make him angry. he then left work.... his wife stated to my family member that I made stuff up. he was really dismissive about the whole situation. May be he genuinely did not believe me? or genuinely thought I made it up to annoy him?

 

[BiancaSW]

I don’t really expect anything from him, but he could have at least called me to clarify it’s true or not... surely anyone would want to know where they stand? he could say: tell me honestly - did you make it up or not? last time we spoke he was just shouting - I don’t believe you, I don’t believe you... I said it’s up to him what he wants to believe in. I said if he is a better man - he would step up to his responsibilities and act like a man. he was like Ok, but I don’t believe you, so I hang up on him - cudnt listen to that anymore... (plus his wife was obviously listening )

[BiancaSW]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do he and his wife want to be involved? Do you want a lifetime tie to these two?

this kinda thing should be between a man and a woman, but since his wife is very much involved - I would not want her, no.

he once said that a child is a lifetime involvement regardless whether the parents are together or not. meh. he doesn’t even want to know the truth....

Edited June 16, 2021 by BiancaSW

[ExpatInItaly]

Are you going to pursue child support from him?

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

this kinda thing should be between a man and a woman, but since his wife is very much involved - I would not want her [to be involved], no.

If he changes his mind and wants access, you won't have a choice as to whether his wife is involved. 

[Snakesalive]

On 6/14/2021 at 8:21 AM, BiancaSW said:

happened - but what he was always pushing for were the walks, talks, spending time together, cuddling, him telling me about his childhood and his mum who passed away. He would cry and cuddle me.

And this is what they do . I really feel your pain -like many on here I was in your place less than a year ago and I know how it feels at the place you’re at . All I can tell you is that it will get better , I’m now in a job I love ( I worked with my ex mm and had to leave ) I think about him yes but now I don’t idolise him like I did . I see him for what he is and the relationship for what it was . This site and the people on it have helped me enormously and we will be here for you too xo

[pepperbird2]

14 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

so he learnt I’m pregnant from my friend and ran to his wife for support and resolution? he didn’t need her support having sex with me...

OP,

 don't give him any more of your precious mental energy or emotional energy. You have a baby on the way!

I'm not trying to dump more on your plate, but what plans have you made for child support, visitation, etc.? What will you tell this new little life when they ask about their daddy?

I know that may sound like it's far in the future, but it's best to start mentally preparing for the day when they ask that. Give it thought, and over time, revisit the issue in your mind. Some  of the most fundamental questions people who don't know their bio parents have is "where did I come from? What is my background? Why is my bio parent like? Do I have any half siblings? other relatives?". Being well prepared ahead of time will make it easier for you to answer questions and it may even make it less painful for you.

Good luck with your new little one. Cherish the time with him or her...mine are all grown now, but sometimes, I would give my eye teeth just to hold them and rock them in my arms one more time.

[BiancaSW]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Are you going to pursue child support from him?

 

I don’t know tbh. I can’t talk to him about it since as I’ve said above - he cut all the ties and he doesn’t even know my situation

[BiancaSW]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

If he changes his mind and wants access, you won't have a choice as to whether his wife is involved. 

I doubt he wants anything. he thinks I’m a liar - he never followed me up on it. he just thought I made a story up to have my revenge on him and damage his reputation

[BiancaSW]

2 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

And this is what they do . I really feel your pain -like many on here I was in your place less than a year ago and I know how it feels at the place you’re at . All I can tell you is that it will get better , I’m now in a job I love ( I worked with my ex mm and had to leave ) I think about him yes but now I don’t idolise him like I did . I see him for what he is and the relationship for what it was . This site and the people on it have helped me enormously and we will be here for you too xo

thank your very much for your kinda words x

[BiancaSW]

31 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

 don't give him any more of your precious mental energy or emotional energy. You have a baby on the way!

I'm not trying to dump more on your plate, but what plans have you made for child support, visitation, etc.? What will you tell this new little life when they ask about their daddy?

I know that may sound like it's far in the future, but it's best to start mentally preparing for the day when they ask that. Give it thought, and over time, revisit the issue in your mind. Some  of the most fundamental questions people who don't know their bio parents have is "where did I come from? What is my background? Why is my bio parent like? Do I have any half siblings? other relatives?". Being well prepared ahead of time will make it easier for you to answer questions and it may even make it less painful for you.

Good luck with your new little one. Cherish the time with him or her...mine are all grown now, but sometimes, I would give my eye teeth just to hold them and rock them in my arms one more time.

this made me have tears in my eyes, I so wish I knew what to answer to these questions... I wish he reached out to me at least once. from what I’ve heard he completely dismissed the whole thing and doesn’t believe it, he forgot about me altogether - like I was some bitter woman who made s*** up, he also said to me ah it’s same pregnancy scare as you’ve already had, I don’t believe you. he is enjoying his life and making happy pictures with his wife for everyone to see. he thinks I lied and she confirmed that to my family member

Edited June 16, 2021 by BiancaSW

[BaileyB]

If it was me, I would have a discussion with a lawyer about my options to prevent this man from any kind of shared custody or possibility visitation. I would be very concerned about the unstable behavior his wife has shown and the way he has failed to manage her response. It’s good that you have this documented with the police.

It is your right to ask for child support, but that may open to door for custody/visitation - I don’t know. I don’t expect that they will want to support your child financially or have visitation given what you have shared. But, I also wouldn’t put it past them to seek this as a way of hurting you or proving themselves to be victorious! I would seek to prevent my child from this possibility - there are those who would use the child to further their own personal agenda against the other woman. We have those stories here too…

[stillafool]

On 6/15/2021 at 3:37 AM, BiancaSW said:

he saw me 4-5 times a week and spent nights and days texting me. he would not stop texting until 3-4 am.

he left his house and drove all the way to my home which is 20 miles away while his wife was sleeping 

In the throws of an affair this is the exciting part.  Doing something naughty and getting away with it.  It's all great until D-day.

[BiancaSW]

is it possible that he failed to manage his response because he was disgusted of me? thinking I’m a pathetic sad loser who made stories up to make him angry / make him talk to me / trick him into smth...etc. etc. 

any opinion would be valuable!!!

im beating myself up for may be handling this situation wrong / revealing things untimely judging by his reaction...

and he is finally happy - thinking I got rid of that sad woman, could have made so many mistakes leaving my wife for her - these are her true colours - “sad liar”. I can imagine this sort of stuff going through his head.

Edited June 16, 2021 by BiancaSW

[Starswillshine]

@BiancaSW I wish I could hug you! No! This is not about you. This is about him and who he is. Stop worrying about trying to get with this man because he is not worthy of you!!!!!!  He has been cruel, you do not want someone like this. He let down his mask and this is who he really is.