**hurting, broken and lost - how to move on?**

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, BiancaSW said:

one might wonder whether his love for his wife is somewhat loose and so is his marriage.

In my opinion, it is less about love and more about convenience. These guys are extraordinarily selfish putting their needs and wants above everybody else's well-being. The deception is part and parcel of how they go about it. You'll feel better once you internalize that--that it's not who he loves/desires more, you or BS, but that it really comes down to his own selfish whims...everything else be damned. Of course, initially this realization doesn't feel good because you have to get past the dissonance between what you thought you had and what you actually had in him. They do sell false stories to both OW & BS. Once you get past the dissonance, you'll have clearer perspective on how he sold you false goods. Then you have to complete the processing of emotion of feeling deceived, betrayed, time stolen, etc.

I promise you that once you completely process that, you will feel a sense of gratitude that you made an escape from a future with him. You'll be challenged perhaps to let go of bitterness in the last stages. Let it all go so you'll be free and light and available for your baby. 

A risk you face is that you will always have a permanent connection with him through your child, which will put you at risk of getting sucked back in. Don't do it. You need to see that this guy is extremely weak, he is a coward, and he will never have the capacity to be all that you would need from him to share a stable family life. I know this because truly there are patterns to these things, and I've been posting here since my first break with xMM in late 2016. Realize that your MM probably lacks self-awareness in some ways (not all and not an excuse for bad behavior). My xMM certainly did. Can't know what specifics he knew or didn't, but I just don't care anymore. Any thought of him now is a total waste of energy.

Know that if your MM reappears at any future point, it will be to serve his own whims rather than your or baby's needs. For example, perhaps many years from now he will feel some regret or remorse about the child and attempt to do something about it, but it would be primarily to relieve his own guilt (ie selfish motive).

I believe you are a loving, trusting woman (perhaps was a bit naive in romance) who thought she was getting involved with a guy who was mostly good but had baggage. Now you know better. Now you know to not get involved with anyone carrying this sort of baggage. You've got to set the bar high for yourself and baby. Do not be so willing to overlook flaws or see others as victims. Look up 'pity ploy.' It is a manipulative tactic often employed by selfish people. 

Learn from this. You'll grow and your sense of discernment will too exponentially!

Edited June 21, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, BiancaSW said:

also, using the other person who loves you for your own entertainment is the shittiest thing one can do to another human being.

Yes, and such is the selfishness of a cheater. What you wrote about him getting upset with you for thinking he was a lowlife or whatever, just trust he gives that same load of bullcrap to his wife...and yet that does not stop him from cheating, essentially acting like the lowlife as he himself defines it. Possibly he deceives himself too, but hey, that's not your problem anymore!

I had some discussions with my xMM after things had basically totally wound down and years had past. Those discussions were insightful. They (plus my therapy) helped me understand how I deceived myself, why I was so attracted to him, that he was not such a nice guy (although I've always been fascinated by the way his mind worked), that he really knew that what he was doing when he was cheating, he knew he was a 'player' (by his words). 

In my last face-to-face, he said he was going through some stuff with his siblings after his mom passed, and he wanted to discuss it with me to get my perspective. When he didn't follow through, it irritated me as I thought to myself, yep same unreliable guy who doesn't follow through on even a conversation already planned.

Sometimes I felt he didn't even know his own mind. It doesn't matter now. He has no capacity to show up for me as a totally platonic friend. Such is his nature. 

In time, you will see all the inconsistencies and undesirable traits in your MM. You will see how they vastly outweigh any good you saw in him. 

The best thing I got from my involvement with xMM was my personal growth and development. I understand people and relationships much more. It was very tough, and so very painful to get there. Also they were extremely valuable lessons that changed me forever. 

You will see. I know you're going to do something good with this. Keep moving forward. 

Edited June 21, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Lottiexcx]

4 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

thank you - thank you for your kind words. It sucks to be dropped like a hot potato, you love a person and they mean a world to you and you trust them unconditionally. I believed my MM who stated he needs more time and is confused and if he doesn’t give us a chance... blah blah... he will always regret not changing his life. 

You don’t want to believe they are cowards and liars, you wanna see that good person YOU fell in love with. Yes, the MM is married - but at the end of the day - it takes two to tango, MM knows what he has to lose and if he is happy to be there involved with the OW - one might wonder whether his love for his wife is somewhat loose and so is his marriage.

He is the only one who knows what’s going BOTH at home and with the OW - he has all the power to suit himself. The OW doesn’t know what’s up with his family, are his feelings for his wife gone? does he want to leave her and start a new life? is he as free/brave/honest in his decisions as he claims to be? 

he says he is truthful to you and gets upset that you don’t trust him and “making a lowlife out of him” - you just learn to believe blindly. It’s not about being or not being a victim, but because you trust you can f*** up your life.

If I was with him and some guy was trying to lure me in by being lovey-dovey/buying me a yacht and Beverly Hills mansion/sending me nudes with coronal, sagittal and axial planes or videos of him jumping like a kangaroo with his d*** out - I would still just tell him to f*** off. because I would have the only man I want and love, why on earth would I want anyone else?

This post is the most positive post I have read from you Bianca. Your change in mindset is really evident here. Hadmeoverabarrel is so spot on that it is too early for you to be out of the clouds from an affair yet. It’s simply too soon to be thinking what everyone else recommends you think and do. 
 

When I read this, it resonates so much with me 🥲. I’m three months out and my mindset is changing, with Loveshack, therapy and self care. Keep reading this thread and all the love and support from strangers who have learned the hard way. Keep loving yourself more. Keep reading old posts on here that tell stories of personal growth for the OW and how they overcome the shackles of rumination and confusion. Keep getting stronger and then you’ll see you can do this too. 
 

lots of love x

[BiancaSW]

8 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Yes, and such is the selfishness of a cheater. What you wrote about him getting upset with you for thinking he was a lowlife or whatever, just trust he gives that same load of bullcrap to his wife...and yet that does not stop him from cheating, essentially acting like the lowlife as he himself defines it. Possibly he deceives himself too, but hey, that's not your problem anymore!

I had some discussions with my xMM after things had basically totally wound down and years had past. Those discussions were insightful. They (plus my therapy) helped me understand how I deceived myself, why I was so attracted to him, that he was not such a nice guy (although I've always been fascinated by the way his mind worked), that he really knew that what he was doing when he was cheating, he knew he was a 'player' (by his words). 

In my last face-to-face, he said he was going through some stuff with his siblings after his mom passed, and he wanted to discuss it with me to get my perspective. When he didn't follow through, it irritated me as I thought to myself, yep same unreliable guy who doesn't follow through on even a conversation already planned.

Sometimes I felt he didn't even know his own mind. It doesn't matter now. He has no capacity to show up for me as a totally platonic friend. Such is his nature. 

In time, you will see all the inconsistencies and undesirable traits in your MM. You will see how they vastly outweigh any good you saw in him. 

The best thing I got from my involvement with xMM was my personal growth and development. I understand people and relationships much more. It was very tough, and so very painful to get there. Also they were extremely valuable lessons that changed me forever. 

You will see. I know you're going to do something good with this. Keep moving forward. 

thank you dear for your support and sharing your life experience! yes, it’s very difficult to move forward and accept things. and figure out what to do in the future. takes time, takes energy, many sleepless nights. 

The only thing - your MM still left you a leaway to communicate. My one changed his number next day his wife found out and changed his job as soon as his colleagues heard the news, or mat be it was already pre-planned in advance. Considering the situation I am in - it was the cruelest thing to do to me. He cut me off like I never existed.

i am reading the threads of wife’s and OWs here and no one was put in a complete vacuum - OWs can still contact their MM. 

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, BiancaSW said:

thank you dear for your support and sharing your life experience! yes, it’s very difficult to move forward and accept things. and figure out what to do in the future. takes time, takes energy, many sleepless nights. 

The only thing - your MM still left you a leaway to communicate. My one changed his number next day his wife found out and changed his job as soon as his colleagues heard the news, or mat be it was already pre-planned in advance. Considering the situation I am in - it was the cruelest thing to do to me. He cut me off like I never existed.

i am reading the threads of wife’s and OWs here and no one was put in a complete vacuum - OWs can still contact their MM. 

That is a pretty common demand from the betrayed spouse. Cut all contact completely, change jobs if work together, change phone numbers, block everything, and never see nor talk to that person again. I had this list of demands. 

He couldn't change his number because it was a work number. I mean, truly he could have gotten it done, it would have been a huge pain and he would have to explain, but considering the whole team were men who traveled together picking up random women, they would have understood. His OW was trying to contact him in any way she would and she was after me a bit. I actually had him call her too while on speaker phone. But I never wanted him to be cruel. I did even tell him that he needed to apologize to her for giving her the wrong impression and leading her on. Little good it did, but... nevertheless those things are very common. There are other forums out there that are more focused on the betrayed spouse, they always have a list of demands. At the beginning, I actually had a bit of empathy for the OW. While she knew he was married and had told her he was happy in his marriage and wasn't going to leave (her words to me), I still understood how he can make anyone think he loves them. How he can make you feel so special, like the only person in the world... but unfortunately it doesn't mean anything. So I knew why she felt the way she did... 

Anyway, all to say, it is common. 

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

2 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

thank you dear for your support and sharing your life experience! yes, it’s very difficult to move forward and accept things. and figure out what to do in the future. takes time, takes energy, many sleepless nights. 

The only thing - your MM still left you a leaway to communicate. My one changed his number next day his wife found out and changed his job as soon as his colleagues heard the news, or mat be it was already pre-planned in advance. Considering the situation I am in - it was the cruelest thing to do to me. He cut me off like I never existed.

i am reading the threads of wife’s and OWs here and no one was put in a complete vacuum - OWs can still contact their MM. 

Please don't feel that my xMM was kind by later conversing with me. Everything he did was to gratify himself. He almost never went out of his way for me. He had his own special ways to diminish and marginalize me...so many and I tolerated so much until I just became exhausted from his black hole soul sucking me dry. The last time I messaged him (angerily) I told him I was completely exhausted by him and sick of his games. I told him how I was going to remember him (it wasn't in a positive light).

He was such an energy drain. I just don't miss that at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

i am reading the threads of wife’s and OWs here and no one was put in a complete vacuum - OWs can still contact their MM. 

And what benefit does that really provide for them?

Many remain stuck in these dead-end affairs for far too long, without anything to show for it in the end. Very few of these men leave their wives and ride off into the sunset with these women. Having a way to remain connected to their MM does nothing but dig them further into a hole. 

The only contact you actually need with your MM is to pursue child support. Beyond that, there is zero reason to have any contact with him anymore -  even though it hurts more than anything right now. There was no future here and now you have no choice but to stop wasting your time with him. These other women who can still contact their MM? In the vast majority of cases, all that means is that they waste more of their lives on these dopes. 

They aren't somehow in a better position than you. The end result - the end of an affair and all contact - is usually the same. They're just taking longer to get there than you will. 

[Snakesalive]

2 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

That is a pretty common demand from the betrayed spouse. Cut all contact completely, change jobs if work together, change phone numbers, block everything, and never see nor talk to that person again. I had this list of demands. 

The wife and company( ex MM is major shareholder)  made these demands too -in fact they went further in that they sent me a legal document to sign stating I wouldn’t discuss any aspect of my professional or personal experiences while at the company .   

[HadMeOverABarrel]

11 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

 

i am reading the threads of wife’s and OWs here and no one was put in a complete vacuum - OWs can still contact their MM. 

It's early days for you. Soon enough you will see that it doesn't matter whether you could contact him. In fact, he may contact you again months or years from now...and that will not be a good thing. Do not wait around looking for anything from him, not even any form of update or contact though.

Once you totally internalize that he wasn't such a great guy, you really won't care about the ability to contact. You'll just be glad you got away from him. 

[Starswillshine]

Op, you don't see it now, but it a blessing that he is doing this. It hurts like hell, and there all these questions. But it allows you to start processing the type of person who does this without all the confusing signs of "wait until things calm down." Etc. It seems really awful and painful, but I promise, this is for the best! You will get through this and you will find out just how strong you are!!!!!

[pepperbird2]

21 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Bianca. 

You have got to stop believing everything this man tells you . Espeically a man who you know lies. 

Surely you cannot be this naive? 

Someone on here has(had?) a sig line that read something like "be careful your knight in shining armour doesn't turn out to be a dork in tinfoil".
 

Very sounds advice.

[pepperbird2]

20 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Please don't feel that my xMM was kind by later conversing with me. Everything he did was to gratify himself. He almost never went out of his way for me. He had his own special ways to diminish and marginalize me...so many and I tolerated so much until I just became exhausted from his black hole soul sucking me dry. The last time I messaged him (angerily) I told him I was completely exhausted by him and sick of his games. I told him how I was going to remember him (it wasn't in a positive light).

He was such an energy drain. I just don't miss that at all.

The way MM or MW "wobble" is such a cruel thing. I you love someone and you know you're hurting them and holding them in a bad place emotionally, wouldn't the "loving' thing be to leave them alone them so they can continue to heal? Ripping open someone;s wounds just for some ego kibbles is not loving in any way.

[pepperbird2]

20 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

It's early days for you. Soon enough you will see that it doesn't matter whether you could contact him. In fact, he may contact you again months or years from now...and that will not be a good thing. Do not wait around looking for anything from him, not even any form of update or contact though.

Once you totally internalize that he wasn't such a great guy, you really won't care about the ability to contact. You'll just be glad you got away from him. 

Sometimes all you can do is take life one day at a time. As much as I don't like to admit it, after my WS told me he;d been in an affair, I almost lost it. Sometimes,  you have to find something, anything, to hold on to. For me, it was my kids. They needed me to not fall apart. At first, I'd make it through the days for them. One day at a time. Once they went to bed, I could cry or whatever. In a way, they were my anchor.

OP, what do you have as your anchor?

[BiancaSW]

I don’t know what the anchor is. I feel very broken. it was him before he did it to me. 

[BaileyB]

43 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

I don’t know what the anchor is.  it was him.

You became far too invested in this relationship - you lost yourself. 

Time to find yourself again. And, let your new anchor be your desire to love and protect your child.

[BiancaSW]

yeah you are right. need to scrap myself off the floor. just learnt today that he told some of his ex colleagues (not now, some time ago) that I was some crazy woman running after him not accepting that he wanted to be with his wife. and that him and his wife were laughing at me as I was an idiot who was proclaiming some feelings for him while he could feel nothing towards a lousy crazy woman, who would not respect he wants to stay with his family.  —> just as I thought. this is very crap stuff to digest.I thought it couldn’t get any worse.

Edited June 21, 2021 by BiancaSW

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

just learnt today that he told some of his ex colleagues

Were these the same colleagues who were hoping he'd leave his horrible wife for you?  Why are they just now telling you this?

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, BiancaSW said:

yeah you are right. need to scrap myself off the floor. just learnt today that he told some of his ex colleagues (not now, some time ago) that I was some crazy woman running after him not accepting that he wanted to be with his wife. and that him and his wife were laughing at me as I was an idiot who was proclaiming some feelings for him while he could feel nothing towards a lousy crazy woman, who would not respect he wants to stay with his family.  —> just as I thought. this is very crap stuff to digest.I thought it couldn’t get any worse.

Bianca, if it bothers you what people think, and I understand why, you should maybe consider looking for another job. Either that or you need to stop listening to the gossip, chin up, and get on with it… You can’t control what they tell others. You can’t control the gossip, you need to find a way to live with it. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

11 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

Sometimes,  you have to find something, anything, to hold on to.

My poor little dog has gotten me through so much. 15 years of service and she really has been a great source of comfort and strength. Hope I will have her for at least another year. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

5 hours ago, BiancaSW said:

I don’t know what the anchor is. I feel very broken. it was him before he did it to me. 

I felt like this at the very beginning. My therapist would tell me, "You see him like your sun, but you have to believe you'll have another sun."

The best is loving yourself like you are your own best friend. All you gave him, give yourself now. 

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I felt like this at the very beginning. My therapist would tell me, "You see him like your sun, but you have to believe you'll have another sun."

I felt like this after my mom passed away. She was my anchor, I didn’t know how I could deal with certain things without her. 

I still have a tendency to think I can’t get through something on my own/wish she was here when things are difficult. I have to challenge that thinking - to remind myself that I got through her illness/death and I have successfully dealt with every challenge in her absence. I also believe sometimes that things would be different/better if she was here. I challenge that thinking by reminding myself that I don’t know how things would have been if she was here. I shouldn’t just assume she would have the answer to all my problems, and that life would be wonderful. Perhaps, she would have had dementia and I would have had the stress of caring for a woman who didn’t know my name for 15 years… The truth is, there are things that are just not ours to know. We just have to be brave, and as you say - find the strength from within. 

When I’m sad, or scared, or tired, or sick - that’s when these thoughts come back. I imagine it’s the same when you are missing someone in this way too…

Edited June 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

My point being, it’s easy to give in to that kind of wishful thinking. It’s tempting to rely on that other person and fantasize  that they will take all your fears and your worries away… It’s easy to become so involved with someone that we feel we can’t continue on our own… but, we do. And you will OP. For yourself, and for your child.

Edited June 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[Poppy47]

16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And what benefit does that really provide for them?

Many remain stuck in these dead-end affairs for far too long, without anything to show for it in the end. Very few of these men leave their wives and ride off into the sunset with these women. Having a way to remain connected to their MM does nothing but dig them further into a hole. 

The only contact you actually need with your MM is to pursue child support. Beyond that, there is zero reason to have any contact with him anymore -  even though it hurts more than anything right now. There was no future here and now you have no choice but to stop wasting your time with him. These other women who can still contact their MM? In the vast majority of cases, all that means is that they waste more of their lives on these dopes. 

They aren't somehow in a better position than you. The end result - the end of an affair and all contact - is usually the same. They're just taking longer to get there than you will. 

Agree. There is no point in knowing his number.  Just be careful of answering unknown numbers as he could possible come fishing later.

Poppy

[BiancaSW]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Bianca, if it bothers you what people think, and I understand why, you should maybe consider looking for another job. Either that or you need to stop listening to the gossip, chin up, and get on with it… You can’t control what they tell others. You can’t control the gossip, you need to find a way to live with it. 

yeah I am leaving the place even tho I don’t interact with any of his colleagues anymore and haven’t seen any of them at all and he left the place as well. that was just one colleague I spoke with.I went up the grade in my career and moving to different location.

Edited June 22, 2021 by BiancaSW

[BiancaSW]

4 hours ago, Poppy47 said:

Agree. There is no point in knowing his number.  Just be careful of answering unknown numbers as he could possible come fishing later.

Poppy

I doubt he even saved my number. He got rid of it like he got rid of me. What what I’ve been told - he forgot abt it and doesn’t even remember my name