Not telling me about somebody new before a trip together - lie by omission? a game?

[Legatus]

Boy meets a girl and meets her few times but they both decide they can't pursue this as she had a boyfriend. 6 years go by, they meet again because the boy was in the same city for family reasons. She liked something on social media, he sent a message, she replied, they talked, she nvited him in. They spent many days together at her place getting to know each other, talking, getting intimate. Great stuff.

He went back to his place of living but knowing he would be back, they made plans to go away together. She was going to house-sit in the middle of nowhere and invited him to join her for a couple of days.

16 hours before (only because I sent her a message) he makes his way, she says:

Quote

"I have met sometbody and we went on three dates and I see potential with him. He would come to me the following Friday. I talked to my psychologist and I can't get into a relation without the future (you). I like spending time with you but since I gave myself a chance and I met somebody who is in the same city and he is honestly interested in me and is my type. If you don't want to come anymore, I'll understand. On the other hand, our relation is based on understanding and respect and not on physical benefits".

When I asked her why she hasn't told me before, so that I could make an informative decision about it, she said she thought it wouldn't matter. We weren't exclusive and I don't have a problem with her dating somebody new but I would appreciate heads up since we had such plans. It wasn't just a date or a walk in the park. 

Other interesting messages:

1. "I thought we'll just spend some time in the countryside, talk, rest, you'll do some work, and so on"
2. "I really consider you a soulmate byt we now it doesn't make any sense because we live in diffrent countries"
3. "I contemplated telling you before but I thought telling you to your face is more friendly"
4. "I was very emotional after your last departure and had to get my head straight, or more so don't let get some thoughts into my head" [about us ever being togheter]
5. It's not about marriage. for me it's also not a goal but we have such different lives that I guess it's better short-term then having a future together"
 

I feel that this was lie by omission to still make me visit her even though she chooses this new guy to date. I honestly feel played. All she had to say is "Hey, I met somebody so spending a week in the wilderness is not the best idea". Job done! Good luck!

The funniest part are all the assumptions. I never said I wouldn't come back to that country, I only keep saying that as a country on its own has nothing to offer. But if I saw somebody more frequently liked them, who knows if I wouldn't make an effort to at least temporarily move to see what could happen. Nobody asked me about how I would go about it.

Also I am not a person who dates with a goal in mind. I don't meet somebody because I'm looking for a girlfriend or a wife. I first meet somebody, get to know them, and as the relationship grows, then some kind of near-future plans might show up but I'm very careful about them. I don't build expectations and prefer to see where things go. Then they either progress or we part ways. Simples.

Stupidly, the conversation went in a way that i ended up explaining myself why having this goal-oriented mindset is not necessarily the best way to go to about it. It's silly because I'm not a salesperson after all but I guess I wanted for her to see that she may seem desperate to me.

Yes, rejection always stings, but I can handle that. There's a good lesson to learn here for me - always ask if somebody's circumstances changed before seeing them because they might not tell you themselves (though a prevous relation was different, she told me straight she met somebody, we parted ways and everybody was ok) 

 

This time, it feels very "gamey". "I thought" this, "I was hoping that". She could have asked few questions and everything would be clear but I guess that kind of communication isn't her strong suit. Feels a bit hypocritical as well (respect, understanding).. don't know what to think of it..

 

Thoughts?

Edited June 13, 2021 by Legatus

[Mrin]

Once upon a time I was chatting up a female colleague I had known for years. Things were getting pretty flirty and she suggested turning a long weekend into an even longer weekend by heading to a sleepy seaside town and renting a bungalow. I was like yeah game on! We planned it and reserved a one bedroom bungalow right on the beach. She sent me pictures of bikinis she was going to buy that week. Something I was tickling at the back of my brain and so a few days before I said "this is a date trip right?"

That's when things fell apart. She confessed that she had been dating a guy for about 2 years. Things weren't great but she was in a relationship and it was complicated. Yadda yadda yadda. Needless to say we called off the long weekend.

Now here's where it gets interesting: it was pretty confused why she would go for such an extent planning what was clearly a romantic weekend (only one bed)if she was in a relationship. I asked a few women friends of mine what was up. One of them said this, "of course she knew it was going to be romantic. She was probably looking forward to lots of sex. But she didn't want to admit it out loud because then that would be cheating. She wanted to put herself into a situation where when romance with you might happen and if it did happen then that was something totally different from planning on it happening. And you totally screwed it up Mrin. You should have kept your mouth shut."

I kind of feel like that's what's going on here with you. I mean no rational woman invites a man she's recently been intimate with to spend 10 days at a country cottage and not expect something to happen. Right? So what is it that you said that got her to spill the beans about this other guy?

[Legatus]

3 hours ago, Mrin said:

So what is it that you said that got her to spill the beans about this other guy?

I suspected something because I noticed changes in her communication patterns and styles, but I didn't call her out because we were indeed quite open about everything from the very beginning. 

Yesterday I just asked her if I should do some groceries as I do not eat a lot of stuff (we spent many multiple days at her flat the last time so she knows that). She said that there wouldn't be any time as she managed to get a neighbour to pick me up (instead of walking 12km) and then a huge message came "oh I've been thinking lately, I don't think you're that type of a guy but a lot of changed in my life". 

By that type I guess she meant that I'm just going there for sex.. 

[Blind-Sided]

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.  You live away from each other... and you hooked up a few times.  You aren't exclusive, and the other person was multi-dating.  Yes, it sucks... but that's life. 

Just as an FYI... in my younger days... I slept with a girl a few times because I KNEW I WAS MOVING FAR AWAY.  I didn't lie to her.  I told her I was moving, and a long distance thing wasn't going to work.  She wanted to be together anyway.  it was 3 days I won't forget.  But I would have never had slept with her if I was staying local because she was... well... kind of nuts. 

Sure... she may have hooked up with you because she liked you... but she may have only done it because you two live far apart and never had any intention of having anything other than a fling. 

She has someone else... just move on. 

Edited June 14, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[Legatus]

Yes of course I will move on, that's not a problem at all here. Actually there's no problem, rather just venting and being curious what people think about the behaviour

[Blind-Sided]

12 minutes ago, Legatus said:

..........Actually there's no problem, rather just venting and being curious what people think about the behaviour

Well then.... Vent away !!!!!!!   LOL.  This place is good for that.

Edited June 14, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[Fletch Lives]

Just sounds like typical multi-dating and rejection to me.

[BeanCounter]

I don't blame you for being a little aggravated with being told this 16 hours before you are leaving to spend a bit of time with her. I would be too, it's a bit rude. And then to bring a psychologist into it, that they say she should not be seeing you?? Yeah, a heads up before you're planning a trip specifically to see her would have been nice. Especially given the fact that she knows she sees a future with this new guy, which you've said multiple times is fine, but she clearly has plans of her own. Would have been more respectful of you and your time to let you know ahead of time that she is seeing someone she is very hopeful of a future with, and she doesn't think it's best to see you at the same time.

[Legatus]

Yeah, it's going to leave a bad aftertaste for a while and since I can't leave here, I'm kind of spending a week with ex-date / almost-friend person... I expect some good karma after I survive this

[elaine567]

On 6/13/2021 at 9:44 PM, Legatus said:

Also I am not a person who dates with a goal in mind. I don't meet somebody because I'm looking for a girlfriend or a wife. I first meet somebody, get to know them, and as the relationship grows, then some kind of near-future plans might show up but I'm very careful about them. I don't build expectations and prefer to see where things go. Then they either progress or we part ways. Simples.

But that is you, you are not her, and you are not I guess most people either.
Dating is a serious game to most and getting involved with people with no long term prospects is a huge waste of time.
She saw no future with you and that to most is a big deal.
I don't know if she has met someone or not, but what seemed like a great idea then, she sees as not a great idea now.
The very last minute decision is not really uncommon when saying "No" is awkward or difficult or just embarrassing. 

[Legatus]

Thanks elaine567..

 

Yes, I understand that the goal-oriented life is needed for most, hence I told her I wasn't angry or anything that she has met or even chose somebody else. Wishful thinking kicked in, that I would have preferred to know before to make a decision whether to come here. I could have avoided a lot of silly awkwardness.. 

[Alpacalia]

Maybe she was feeling out this other person and waiting to see how things panned out with him, which might explain why she cancelled a few hours before you were supposed to go away together.

Unfortunately, you can’t expect her to feel the same way you do — in fact, her behavior suggests that she doesn't.

[smackie9]

And here we go...we've been in a discussion about this on another thread. A lot of people dismiss her actions because the dating rule seems to be that since no one is exclusive, they don't have to divulge whom they are dating or if they are dating others. that it's really no ones business....but is that really true? That everyone just has to assume they are dating other until the talk of exclusivity.  And now we have someone (the OP) that feels totally ripped off, feeling used, mislead and assumed he was the only one. Who right here? Does he not have a right to feel the way he does? or is she within her rights to dump this on him later after they have been steadily hanging out and having sex, etc. I really don't blame the OP. It looked as tho things were heading in the right direction, and had no idea there was competition. I'm sure if he knew before he would haven't wasted his time. I think it's selfish of her.

Edited June 16, 2021 by smackie9

[kendahke]

On 6/13/2021 at 4:44 PM, Legatus said:

She could have asked few questions

So could you...

Fact is, you didn't do the due diligence you really needed to do. You sounded like you were winging it without investigating your investment. Don't let your imagination get a hold of you too soon just because "potential" is wafting through the air. 

Quote

we live in diffrent countries"

Hey, distance is a thing.  Geographic undesirability is a thing. Human nature is to gravitate towards what's easiest. She straight up told you:

Quote

I like spending time with you but since I gave myself a chance I met somebody who is in the same city and he is honestly interested in me and is my type.

Which, as a single woman, she has every right to do. We all have a right to our preferences in a romantic partner. She actually was a stranger who didn't owe you devotion at this stage of things.

I get being pissed at the timing--I've had the same thing happen to me, too; but then I had to examine exactly why I was so pissed with what amounted to a stranger I'd built a false construct around because of the potential I saw after a couple of conversations. Just because we got on swell online and in text messaging doesn't always translate to vibing with each other's energy, face to face.

Don't fall in love with potential--that's like falling in love with your imagination and failing to discern the difference between it and her.

Edited June 16, 2021 by kendahke

[Legatus]

On 6/17/2021 at 12:13 AM, kendahke said:

I get being pissed at the timing--I've had the same thing happen to me, too; but then I had to examine exactly why I was so pissed with what amounted to a stranger I'd built a false construct around because of the potential I saw after a couple of conversations. Just because we got on swell online and in text messaging doesn't always translate to vibing with each other's energy, face to face.

The due dilligence is not as straight-forward. Yes, I could have asked when I sensed she changed her communication patterns but that could also be just my perception. I couldn't ask her ever day if she met somebody new. Her circumstances changed, hence I do believe it was on her to at least notify me.

 

On 6/17/2021 at 12:13 AM, kendahke said:

Don't fall in love with potential--that's like falling in love with your imagination and failing to discern the difference between it and her.

Of course. I didn't fall in love. It was a stressful and awkward experience but I knew I had to go through it so that I know now how to behave. 

 

On 6/16/2021 at 9:26 PM, smackie9 said:

And here we go...we've been in a discussion about this on another thread. A lot of people dismiss her actions because the dating rule seems to be that since no one is exclusive, they don't have to divulge whom they are dating or if they are dating others. that it's really no ones business....but is that really true? That everyone just has to assume they are dating other until the talk of exclusivity.  And now we have someone (the OP) that feels totally ripped off, feeling used, mislead and assumed he was the only one. Who right here? Does he not have a right to feel the way he does? or is she within her rights to dump this on him later after they have been steadily hanging out and having sex, etc. I really don't blame the OP. It looked as tho things were heading in the right direction, and had no idea there was competition. I'm sure if he knew before he would haven't wasted his time. I think it's selfish of her.

Yeah, I had to spend the time I was there to actually think about why I was bothered so much. Then, answer came. When we last saw each other we weren't in love or anything, but we were romantically involved, at the same level. While she met somebody new, she had time to cool off whereas I didn't. The result? I was still not only on a different page but completely different book. Sometimes it felt like she still wanted me to chase her but she couldn't admit it even to herself.

Anyway, I could the trip short, said my goodbyes and let her do her thing. Even though my friend was right that I shouldn't have gone, I also know that I needed this experience. It thought me a lot

[AnnieB]

On 6/13/2021 at 4:44 PM, Legatus said:

Boy meets a girl and meets her few times but they both decide they can't pursue this as she had a boyfriend. 6 years go by, they meet again because the boy was in the same city for family reasons. She liked something on social media, he sent a message, she replied, they talked, she nvited him in. They spent many days together at her place getting to know each other, talking, getting intimate. Great stuff.

He went back to his place of living but knowing he would be back, they made plans to go away together. She was going to house-sit in the middle of nowhere and invited him to join her for a couple of days.

16 hours before (only because I sent her a message) he makes his way, she says:

When I asked her why she hasn't told me before, so that I could make an informative decision about it, she said she thought it wouldn't matter. We weren't exclusive and I don't have a problem with her dating somebody new but I would appreciate heads up since we had such plans. It wasn't just a date or a walk in the park. 

Other interesting messages:

1. "I thought we'll just spend some time in the countryside, talk, rest, you'll do some work, and so on"
2. "I really consider you a soulmate byt we now it doesn't make any sense because we live in diffrent countries"
3. "I contemplated telling you before but I thought telling you to your face is more friendly"
4. "I was very emotional after your last departure and had to get my head straight, or more so don't let get some thoughts into my head" [about us ever being togheter]
5. It's not about marriage. for me it's also not a goal but we have such different lives that I guess it's better short-term then having a future together"
 

I feel that this was lie by omission to still make me visit her even though she chooses this new guy to date. I honestly feel played. All she had to say is "Hey, I met somebody so spending a week in the wilderness is not the best idea". Job done! Good luck!

The funniest part are all the assumptions. I never said I wouldn't come back to that country, I only keep saying that as a country on its own has nothing to offer. But if I saw somebody more frequently liked them, who knows if I wouldn't make an effort to at least temporarily move to see what could happen. Nobody asked me about how I would go about it.

Also I am not a person who dates with a goal in mind. I don't meet somebody because I'm looking for a girlfriend or a wife. I first meet somebody, get to know them, and as the relationship grows, then some kind of near-future plans might show up but I'm very careful about them. I don't build expectations and prefer to see where things go. Then they either progress or we part ways. Simples.

Stupidly, the conversation went in a way that i ended up explaining myself why having this goal-oriented mindset is not necessarily the best way to go to about it. It's silly because I'm not a salesperson after all but I guess I wanted for her to see that she may seem desperate to me.

Yes, rejection always stings, but I can handle that. There's a good lesson to learn here for me - always ask if somebody's circumstances changed before seeing them because they might not tell you themselves (though a prevous relation was different, she told me straight she met somebody, we parted ways and everybody was ok) 

 

This time, it feels very "gamey". "I thought" this, "I was hoping that". She could have asked few questions and everything would be clear but I guess that kind of communication isn't her strong suit. Feels a bit hypocritical as well (respect, understanding).. don't know what to think of it..

 

Thoughts?

Hmm, some people will do this and others would find this unethical. Personally I would never be able to not be upfront with my intentions, and upfront about my dating situation with anyone romantically interested in me. But it's not information anyone owes us unless we have agreed on being in a relationship. It stings, but if you can get out of this trip, by all means do. If I have any advice for you, be more upfront about your intentions with women and if you want to be exclusive with them and be in a relationship with them, don't keep that information to yourself, otherwise in this day and age it is all fair game.