Dis Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 (edited) I dated a single dad for a year and a half. We broke up months ago and I moved out early May. Our main issue was I wasn't well suited to date someone with a kid and things fell apart from there. But other than that he was the most kind, loving, attentive man I had a ever dated. So supportive too. He treated me so well so after our break up it was kind of hard to let go because of how wonderful he was. I don't know why but I kind of felt like I couldn't let go of him. Whenever I needed something he was always there....even post break up. Such a good guy. So we started talking again, not with the intention of getting back together because we knew what broke us wasn't going to change. Things turned sexual because our sex life was always so good. I asked him to come over last night and the days leading up to it we were so excited. Texting all the time. I really thought I was running the risk of catching feelings again...which would only result in hurt. I told my friends this probably wasn't a good idea but I just had a feeling I needed to do this. I had never hooked up with an ex before so I didn't know what to expect and I'm usually a big proponent of not hooking up with exs for obvious reasons. So he came over and from the get go it didn't feel right. I'm such a monogamous person so knowing we didn't belong together anymore but still hanging out just felt hollow and nowhere near as enjoyable as it was when we were together. The sex was good but I didn't feel happy to be around him anymore...actually a little turned off. He wasn't as funny, not as endearing. The last hour of it I really just wanted him to go. I faked being tired so he would take off. I wasn't as attracted either. Just so weird because I thought I was going to be enthralled by him again, but instead I felt like getting together actually released me from him and the rut I was in. I finally feel like I can close that door for good. I don't want to do it again. But he seems to think it was amazing and he's all excited to do it again. He even texted me something funny about last night and I didn't even text him back...just didn't want to. I will because I don't want to blow him off. But I guess I'm just over it. I don't want to hurt him though...so not sure what I should say... But all in all...I guess I was right. I needed to do this and I'm glad I did. Just don't know where to go from him without hurting him.... Edited June 13, 2021 by Dis 2
Alpacalia Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 2 hours ago, Dis said: But all in all...I guess I was right. I needed to do this and I'm glad I did. Just don't know where to go from him without hurting him.... Unfortunately, as exciting as a spontaneous hook-up can be, every action has implications that we must deal with later, such as the reappearance of lingering sentiments. Sleeping with him may have slowed his healing process and prevented him from gaining any kind of resolution. Or, he might not even care. 1
Author Dis Posted June 13, 2021 Author Posted June 13, 2021 10 minutes ago, Alpaca said: Unfortunately, as exciting as a spontaneous hook-up can be, every action has implications that we must deal with later, such as the reappearance of lingering sentiments. Sleeping with him may have slowed his healing process and prevented him from gaining any kind of resolution. Or, he might not even care. I do worry about him but I know it somehow resolved my lingering issues I hope it didn't impede his though But we even talked about it...that is was dead in the ground. But after that he said he'll always love me. Don't know what to do with that. 1
Alpacalia Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 11 minutes ago, Dis said: But after that he said he'll always love me. Sounds like closure.
Weezy1973 Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 You’re impulsive which means if you feel something, in your mind it’s super important and should be acted on. In reality feelings aren’t important at all. They come, they go, and they have very little meaning at all. I’m glad you think you made a wise choice here. I think you dodged a bullet. And I hope this doesn’t make it harder for him to get over you and find someone compatible. 1
Author Dis Posted June 13, 2021 Author Posted June 13, 2021 2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: You’re impulsive which means if you feel something, in your mind it’s super important and should be acted on. In reality feelings aren’t important at all. They come, they go, and they have very little meaning at all. I’m glad you think you made a wise choice here. I think you dodged a bullet. And I hope this doesn’t make it harder for him to get over you and find someone compatible. I am very impulsive and that's something I'm trying to work on. I pretty much go where my emotions take me which hasn't faired well for me looking back on it. But this is one of those times where I'm glad I acted on them. Because I did I have the closure I need and also the feeling that I don't even want to hang out with him again. I hope it doesn't make it harder for him too. My plan is just not to invite him over again and keep texting to a minimum. He's not a pushy guy so he wouldn't invite himself over. And I do think he'd make a great friend so I don't mind keeping in touch...as long as it doesn't hurt him 2
Author Dis Posted June 13, 2021 Author Posted June 13, 2021 2 hours ago, Alpaca said: Sounds like closure. I'm not sure. He also said he's sad about it.
Maldives Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 7 hours ago, Dis said: I dated a single dad for a year and a half. We broke up months ago and I moved out early May. Our main issue was I wasn't well suited to date someone with a kid and things fell apart from there. But other than that he was the most kind, loving, attentive man I had a ever dated. So supportive too. He treated me so well so after our break up it was kind of hard to let go because of how wonderful he was. I don't know why but I kind of felt like I couldn't let go of him. Whenever I needed something he was always there....even post break up. Such a good guy. So we started talking again, not with the intention of getting back together because we knew what broke us wasn't going to change. Things turned sexual because our sex life was always so good. I asked him to come over last night and the days leading up to it we were so excited. Texting all the time. I really thought I was running the risk of catching feelings again...which would only result in hurt. I told my friends this probably wasn't a good idea but I just had a feeling I needed to do this. I had never hooked up with an ex before so I didn't know what to expect and I'm usually a big proponent of not hooking up with exs for obvious reasons. So he came over and from the get go it didn't feel right. I'm such a monogamous person so knowing we didn't belong together anymore but still hanging out just felt hollow and nowhere near as enjoyable as it was when we were together. The sex was good but I didn't feel happy to be around him anymore...actually a little turned off. He wasn't as funny, not as endearing. The last hour of it I really just wanted him to go. I faked being tired so he would take off. I wasn't as attracted either. Just so weird because I thought I was going to be enthralled by him again, but instead I felt like getting together actually released me from him and the rut I was in. I finally feel like I can close that door for good. I don't want to do it again. But he seems to think it was amazing and he's all excited to do it again. He even texted me something funny about last night and I didn't even text him back...just didn't want to. I will because I don't want to blow him off. But I guess I'm just over it. I don't want to hurt him though...so not sure what I should say... But all in all...I guess I was right. I needed to do this and I'm glad I did. Just don't know where to go from him without hurting him.... Wow that's fantastic insight.. I think I need to do the same with an ex I haven't quiet moved past for yrs. I was just thinking I need to have some communication something to finally let it fizzle and move on. Thanks for the insight 1
Maldives Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 1 hour ago, Dis said: I'm not sure. He also said he's sad about it. My ex wife did what you did with me haha made me remember just as I had moved on she reached out wanted to work things out then decided shortly after she didn't want anything anymore with me and wanted a divorce. Her coming back reset me for yrs what was already done then became my issue she had kinda passed on her issue to me then completely shut the door wounding me it took a long time to resolve it in my head 1 1
Alpacalia Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 10 hours ago, Dis said: I'm not sure. He also said he's sad about it. He may always love you, but you don't appear to want him back, so take his lovely words with a grain of salt and remember that you both have your own lives to live. Breaking up is never easy but cutting ties is the only way to fully move forward. Otherwise, you're merely delaying the inevitable. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 I don't want to hurt him though...so not sure what I should say... This is not your concern. The way we are fair and kind in relationship is to tell someone the truth. You don't have to spell out exactly what went wrong the other night. But you do need to say clearly, directly, that I realize that things aren't going to work between us. And if you need to, go ahead and say, it wasn't all that comfortable for me. I feel kinda distant. He hurts? So what?! That's the price of romance. Don't confuse stabbing someone in the chest or assaulting someone or being gratuitously nasty to the someone with sharing the truth about your feelings in romance. Yes romantic rejection can hurt, but it's not trauma unless the person abused. It's not betrayal. It's not dishonesty. He's resilient. He'll recover from your words like all of us do. (And if he can't recover, you don't want to date him anyway--shows low coping skills). And your words will help him stay in tune with reality. If he's thinking the other night was wonderful and you're not, he benefits from knowing that his radar is off. He needs to know he's NOT in tune with you like he thinks. And frankly, you don't know what he really thinks. He might have said he had a great time just because he liked the sex and he's soft-pedaling things as well. Don't get caught in trying to read his head. He might very well have felt this distance you felt. Now, if you want to soften your message to him, just expand the context of your feelings. I knew we needed to break up, but I always realized you were a wonderful guy, very attentive ... yada ... and so I really looked forward to seeing you. But after seeing you (and there's nothing you did "wrong") I am now clear that I am not comfortable seeing you again. I don't regret that we met. No hard feelings, and I wish you well. BTW: speaking the truth in situations like this really pays off. Because when I got jammed up out of fear of "hurting" other people, I swear I always got burned. One, that behavior slipped into me not telling people early on that I didn't want to see them again. That behavior slipped into me not being clear in a relationship about what I liked and didn't like. And we betray ourselves when we carry on against what we really feel. And when you fake it, you actually aren't reading the other person either. You fake it with this guy (overly sof-pedal things): I guarantee after two more encounters, he's gonna send a text saying, "this was a mistake." Nothing hurts worse than when we try to protect the other person and then they end up speaking the truth that we were hiding. 1
BaileyB Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 You are not going to like this Dis but I feel badly for this guy… you stayed in his home for months after you broke up because it was convenient for you will looking for/waiting for another place to live. And now, you have sex with the man and the next day, your proclaim that you got your closure and you are ready to walk away… This poor guy has been left holding the bag twice now. 6 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 Excellent. It's like missing peanut butter because you're allergic to it, then tasting it again only to find out you can't stand it anymore,, so aren't missing anything.. 2
Vitaminka Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 24 minutes ago, BaileyB said: You are not going to like this Dis but I feel badly for this guy… you stayed in his home for months after you broke up because it was convenient for you will looking for/waiting for another place to live. And now, you have sex with the man and the next day, your proclaim that you got your closure and you are ready to walk away… This poor guy has been left holding the bag twice now. Well, the thing to remember is that he could've easily said no. She didn't force him into anything. As from Dis last post, she was lonely, worried about her mother and her job. He seems to be more than ready and willing to "comfort" her. It is all fine, as long as Did didn't make (or is going to make) any false promises to him. 1
Weezy1973 Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 1 minute ago, Vitaminka said: It is all fine, as long as Did didn't make (or is going to make) any false promises to him. I agree with this in general. As long as both parties were just using each other for mutual gratification and / or to get closure there’s no problem here. Not a smart decision by any means in my opinion as even the OP admitted she was scared she might catch feelings again, so I’m sure she considered that he might too. And that was / is possible. All’s well that ends well, but as I said before, I think @Dis dodged bullet. Either or both of them could have really been hurt by this impulsive decision by her. And the way she posts it, it does sound like she was just using him for her own purposes. This didn’t seem to come from a place of caring for someone else. If she genuinely cared about him, she would realize that both reigniting the friendship and especially escalating it sexually could keep him hung up on her and prevent him from moving on. Remember she broke it off with him. That makes a big difference. 1
BaileyB Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 1 hour ago, Vitaminka said: It is all fine, as long as Did didn't make (or is going to make) any false promises to him. This is my concern. She said that he told her he was sad. Is he sad that it’s finally done? Or was he hoping for more? My point being, it’s not a good idea to get your closure at someone else’s expense… 1
Author Dis Posted June 13, 2021 Author Posted June 13, 2021 I really didn't do it for closure. On the contrary I really thought I was going to catch feelings by doing this. I had no idea it was going to have the effect it did. Even my friends were surprised by it I don't think it had the same effect on him as he's still talking about it but I def am not making any promises to him and I think he knows it's over...just don't think he processed/healed from it in the way I have
Weezy1973 Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 10 minutes ago, Dis said: ...just don't think he processed/healed from it in the way I have Of course not. You dumped him. He didn’t want it to end. 1
Shining One Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 I've hooked up with many of my exes over the years. However, I was usually on the receiving end of the break-up and a significant amount of time (at least 4 months of not seeing each other) had passed since the breakup. 1
BaileyB Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 (edited) 21 minutes ago, Dis said: I really didn't do it for closure. On the contrary I really thought I was going to catch feelings by doing this. I don't think it had the same effect on him as he's still talking about it but I def am not making any promises to him and I think he knows it's over...just don't think he processed/healed from it in the way I have Despite what you have said or not said, the fact that you slept with him again (with the thought that you may in fact catch feelings again yourself) gives the man false hope… Edited June 13, 2021 by BaileyB 3
Author Dis Posted June 13, 2021 Author Posted June 13, 2021 21 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Despite what you have said or not said, the fact that you slept with him again (with the thought that you may in fact catch feelings again yourself) gives the man false hope… I understand it might come across that way but we were both on the same page that it wasn't going to work and came to a mature conclusion that that wasn't going to change If anything I just think he still might be grieving and hasn't processed it whereas I started processing even before the break up. He keeps telling me it's hard for him to think about and he tries not to. I told him maybe he should so he can heal. His response was, nope.
Author Dis Posted June 13, 2021 Author Posted June 13, 2021 32 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Of course not. You dumped him. He didn’t want it to end. I think he would've hung in there if I hadn't ended things but when I did, I got the sense from him that he knew it was for the best
Author Dis Posted June 13, 2021 Author Posted June 13, 2021 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: You are not going to like this Dis but I feel badly for this guy I feel bad for him too. He is such a sweet man. I kind of did a number on him...uh. He's just so forgiving and so kind it's like he forgave me for everything without a second thought I'm not sure if this hurt him but it doesn't seem to. He's still texting me talking about that night. He seems more turned on than anything else.
Vitaminka Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Dis said: I really didn't do it for closure. On the contrary I really thought I was going to catch feelings by doing this. I had no idea it was going to have the effect it did Oh, OK, I misunderstood the situation here. I though that he was comforting you and one thing sort of led to another. I do agree with others that you used him somewhat. But he is still an adult and capable of saying no. So don't beat yourself too hard over it. 1 hour ago, Dis said: I feel bad for him too. He is such a sweet man. I kind of did a number on him...uh. I think if you truly care about him as a person then the kindest thing you can do is to distance yourself from him. I know that you work together so it might not be that easy. But you should stop relying on him. No more telling him about your life and your troubles. Keep telling yourself that your life is no longer his business and don't get him involved on any level. No more texting, none at all. Don't encourage him if he contacts you first. Don't inviting him over. If you believe that this is over, then let him heal and move on. Maybe at some point down the road you two can be just friends. But as of now, this is too raw for him. And probably for you as well. Edited June 13, 2021 by Vitaminka 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 14, 2021 Posted June 14, 2021 Quit feeling sorry for this guy. That's going to mess with your thinking. He's capable and impressive enough that you wanted to date him at some point. You can empathize with struggles he's having but do not want to think it's your job to help him through the troubles or to soften the truth about the future you don't want with him. People grow sometimes in the most unexpected ways, and it's usually truth of some kind--sometimes awkward and painful truth--that spurs them to rethink things and grow. BTW: on false hope. No such thing, it seems to me. Because we have the right to change our mind at any point in a relationship for any reason.
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