Vetting online dates and the ramifications

[TheTallHobbit]

I do a lot of online dating and I try to find out as much as I can about the person before I meet them.  This is mainly for safety reasons.  I think everyone should try to do it.  I’m usually able to find their FB or IG accounts.  Sometimes I look at the photos and it bothers me to see that a nice looking girl had dated some ugly guy.  It especially bothers me if the girl turns me down or worse yet, I meet her and it doesn’t work out.  I know this is wrong and a bad way to think but how do I get past it?

[elaine567]

Stop snooping in their IG/FB accounts.
I get the safety aspect but you are apparently just digging for dirt.
Stop it.
It is none of your business who they date either before or after you. 

[Ami1uwant]

There is nothing in being safe by digging the into social media

[SumGuy]

The above.

Also why would it bother you she dated what you consider to be an "ugly guy"?  One that just seems odd, and two wouldn't you feel good that you are "above" the looks level she finds acceptable?

[TheTallHobbit]

I just can’t help it.  I know the way I’m thinking is bad.  I guess the solution is to not look.  

[basil67]

It bothers you that a girl isn't shallow about looks?  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, TheTallHobbit said:

I do a lot of online dating and I try to find out as much as I can about the person before I meet them.  This is mainly for safety reasons.  

Just meet for a brief coffee, after a couple of messages. What's unsafe about that?

OLD is not actually dating. A little bit of google /social media research is fine, but if you stall meeting, it's a red flag.

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It bothers you that a girl isn't shallow about looks?  

I have a feeling it is more about him thinking the ugly guy is the best she can get, so  why would he be interested in a girl that can only attract ugly guys... OR does she have a thing about ugly guys and that is why she chose him...

[TheTallHobbit]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It bothers you that a girl isn't shallow about looks?  

No and this is the bad part- mainly when the girl shows no interest in me.  I think “omg, she dated that guy and she’s not interested in me?  Are you kidding me?”  Like I said, I know it’s a terrible way to think.  Just trying to get past it.

[TheTallHobbit]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I have a feeling it is more about him thinking the ugly guy is the best she can get, so  why would he be interested in a girl that can only attract ugly guys... OR does she have a thing about ugly guys and that is why she chose him...

No not at all.  That’s the thing.  Usually it’s a  very attractive girl who could probably get most guys she wanted.

[TheTallHobbit]

5 minutes ago, TheTallHobbit said:

No and this is the bad part- mainly when the girl shows no interest in me.  I think “omg, she dated that guy and she’s not interested in me?  Are you kidding me?”  Like I said, I know it’s a terrible way to think.  Just trying to get past it.

I’ve had something similar with girlfriends in the past.  They would bring up their ex just in normal conversation and immediately I’d say “ I don’t want to know about your ex”.  I know everyone has a past but I personally consider talking about your ex to your current partner not a good thing.  I mean maybe there would be times when it was  necessary but for instance if the conversation is going toward something involving my ex, I will try to not bring it up.

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, TheTallHobbit said:

No and this is the bad part- mainly when the girl shows no interest in me.  I think “omg, she dated that guy and she’s not interested in me?  Are you kidding me?”  Like I said, I know it’s a terrible way to think.  Just trying to get past it.

Ok, got it.

I would start by questioning why you feel entitled to a date with her.  Or, if it's in the case of a failed first date, why is it you feel that all women you date should think you're a great match for them.   

 

[TheTallHobbit]

46 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ok, got it.

I would start by questioning why you feel entitled to a date with her.  Or, if it's in the case of a failed first date, why is it you feel that all women you date should think you're a great match for them.   

 

Lol, Because they dated a freaking troll!!!  No, that’s my question- why am I thinking this way and how to get past it.  I know it’s  an unhealthy way of thinking.  I know in my head that why she dated someone is her business and has nothing to do with me but sometimes you can’t help what you think.  Maybe therapy is my next step.  
One thing - and this might help.  At this point in my life I have a a lot of confidence.  It wasn’t always that way.  When I was younger I was very socially awkward and lacked confidence.  It took a long time to overcome that and now I consider myself a good prospect for any woman. Maybe it’s taking me back to seeing some known jerk ‘get the girl’ when I knew I wasn’t a jerk.  That may be it.  Maybe I just answered my own question.  Now how to get past it.  

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, TheTallHobbit said:

No not at all.  That’s the thing.  Usually it’s a  very attractive girl who could probably get most guys she wanted.

First, just because you think he is unattractive doesn't mean she does.   After all, even if you are interested in men tastes differ.  That last part is key, as think has been said it is a good sign she is not all about what the media tells us is an "attractive" man.

I suspect it is more a jealousy/status/insecurity thing you have going on.  Best then to not look.  

[Dis]

My ex was not a conventionally attractive man but he was the kindest man I've known

 

Instead of looks you should be more concerned about the quality of men she's dated...that would be much more telling about her values and who she is as a person 

[Lotsgoingon]

Go meet the person and deal from there. All else is a complete waste of time. 

[Mrin]

1 hour ago, Dis said:

Instead of looks you should be more concerned about the quality of men she's dated...that would be much more telling about her values and who she is as a person 

This x 1000

[Lotsgoingon]

You do know that so-called "ugly guys" might have a lot going on in their lives, right?!

 

[chillii]

 

How do you even find their sm acc's, not like they'd put their name let alone full name on the date site do they ?

[basil67]

5 hours ago, TheTallHobbit said:

At this point in my life I have a a lot of confidence.  

Your two posts say otherwise.  A confident man wouldn't stalk her social media.  Nor would he give a second thought to who she'd dated previously.  And he certainly wouldn't get butt hurt about a woman choosing not to date him - because he knows that he'll be fine and will meet someone else. 

And in connection to your other thread, a confident man trusts that a woman will see his value without knowing his income.   And if she doesn't see his value, he knows she was not the right one for him. 

'Considering yourself a good prospect for any woman' sounds like bravado too.  While it's great that you're happy with where you are in life, let's not pretend that you (or any other man) would suit every woman out there.   

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, chillii said:

How do you even find their sm acc's, not like they'd put their name let alone full name on the date site do they ?

This ^    I don't use Insta much, but people often don't use their real names.  If they put a landscape photo up, I have no idea who's post I'm looking at. 

And most women of a certain age are smart enough to have good security settings on their FB.  

Edited June 13, 2021 by basil67

[TheTallHobbit]

4 hours ago, SumGuy said:

First, just because you think he is unattractive doesn't mean she does.   After all, even if you are interested in men tastes differ.  That last part is key, as think has been said it is a good sign she is not all about what the media tells us is an "attractive" man.

I suspect it is more a jealousy/status/insecurity thing you have going on.  Best then to not look.  

Possibly

[TheTallHobbit]

3 hours ago, chillii said:

 

How do you even find their sm acc's, not like they'd put their name let alone full name on the date site do they ?

Once she texts me off the app and I have her phone number it’s rather easy.  Some women do put way too much info in their profiles.  []

Edited June 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fact checking required

[TheTallHobbit]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Your two posts say otherwise.  A confident man wouldn't stalk her social media.  Nor would he give a second thought to who she'd dated previously.  And he certainly wouldn't get butt hurt about a woman choosing not to date him - because he knows that he'll be fine and will meet someone else. 

And in connection to your other thread, a confident man trusts that a woman will see his value without knowing his income.   And if she doesn't see his value, he knows she was not the right one for him. 

'Considering yourself a good prospect for any woman' sounds like bravado too.  While it's great that you're happy with where you are in life, let's not pretend that you (or any other man) would suit every woman out there.   

I think maybe people are missing the point that this line of thinking isn’t something I’m proud of.  I’m not stalking I’m vetting and I think most people would  be well served to do more of this. Would you want to go meet someone who had just gone through having their fiancé murdered?  Ideally yes, a woman would see my value without knowing my income  but unfortunately this is not the reality.   

[basil67]

2 hours ago, TheTallHobbit said:

I think maybe people are missing the point that this line of thinking isn’t something I’m proud of.  I’m not stalking I’m vetting and I think most people would  be well served to do more of this. Would you want to go meet someone who had just gone through having their fiancé murdered?  Ideally yes, a woman would see my value without knowing my income  but unfortunately this is not the reality.   

Yeah, let's not twist the story to prove a point.  You're here because you find that women have dated ugly men in the past and get mad when they don't date you.   The basis of your behaviour is a lack of confidence, combined with entitlement. 

And of course I wouldn't date someone who had their fiance murdered.  They wouldn't be on a dating app, they'd be in jail. 

Edited June 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator