Eggsplorer Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 Hi all! I really need some advice here. Do you think it is unreasonable that I expect my partner to call me when she gets home after a night out? to put this in context, I work away FIFO 2 weeks at a time and my only rule for her going out is that she calls me when she gets home so I know the Uber driver hasn’t followed her inside and that she’s home safe. last night we were texting throughout the night, but she didn’t call me when she got home and I was awake until 3:00am worrying about her. I started calling her at 2:00am and she was already asleep at home ( I know this because I called the home phone) and she answered. I lost it because she didn’t call me. I’m honestly considering ending the relationship over her inability to let me know that she’s safe. I only ended up with 1.5 hours sleep after needing to wake at 4:30 for a 12 hour shift - and this is not the first time this has happened. do you think I am being unreasonable to expect that phone call, or is it perfectly ok to expect it? thanks in advance!!
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 Unreasonable no but unrealistic maybe. Your heart is in the right place. You love your GF & want to know she is safe. That is sweet. However, when she gets home after being out with her friends especially if she's been drinking, she may not have the presence of mind to give you what you want. Try having more faith & settling for a call / text when she wakes up. As for your "rule", banish that word. If my SO tried to make "rules" for me I'd exercise my rule to not date controlling people. You are not her father. You can't tell her what to do. Try reframing your desire as a request. A loving SO would not want to cause a partner increased anxiety. If this is not the 1st time this has happened & you are constantly losing sleep, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate whether this relationship is working for you. 2 1
FMW Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 I do think it's unreasonable, and as the previous comment brings up, controlling. Having the mindset that you have any "rule" at all for her to go out (and seeming to think you're generous by only having only one) for me would be not be acceptable. I assume she's an adult, and as such, does not need to be checking in after every late night outing with you or anyone. If it's not about control to you, then perhaps it's about paranoia or unreasonable anxiety. Yes, bad things happen, but that possibility should not be so strong to you that you can't sleep without having her check in every time she's out late. 1
cleverusername Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 Not unreasonable. Your approach may be a little firm, i.e. calling it a "rule" but your coming from a good place and communication is important, especially when you spend long times away. Typing a text or making a call takes no more than 15 seconds. Sit her down and have a heart to heart about where you are coming from, the fact it hurts you and you lose sleep over it, and it would mean a lot. If she can't handle taking 15seconds to put your mind to ease, you are justified in walking away IMO.
elaine567 Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 Are you genuinely concerned for her physical safety or are you more concerned about her fidelity under the guise of being oh so caring...? Making doubly sure she is at home and not sharing her bed with someone else... Paranoia will annoy her. 7
flitzanu Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 43 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Are you genuinely concerned for her physical safety or are you more concerned about her fidelity under the guise of being oh so caring...? Making doubly sure she is at home and not sharing her bed with someone else... Paranoia will annoy her. this is what came to mind for me as well. i'll tell you, the tighter you try to make that leash, the quicker she's going to try to escape. 1
Sun Seeker Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 I did the same thing with my ex, we would always message each other when we got home from work or from going out, literally every single time. It was a mutual thing and only took 5 seconds. On the occasions one of us fell asleep/forgot it was a simple case of apologising and moving on, no 'losing it' or thinking about breaking up over it, which is just silly. You definitely overreacted. She was safe so that's the main thing. And no reason for you to stay awake until she contacts you. She's an adult not a kid. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 (edited) I think you completely over-reacted. It looks a lot more like you're insecure that she might go home with / bring home another guy, and your paranoia is getting the best of you. Give her the benefit of the doubt and don't treat her like she's your wayward teen daughter sneaking home after curfew. Edited June 12, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 3
Gaeta Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 I don't bite it's you wanting to know if she is safe. She's an adult woman, she was doing fine before you that has not stopped because you came along. Also you are far away, if she runs into trouble you're not the one she should be calling. 3
kendahke Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 6 hours ago, Eggsplorer said: and my only rule for her going out You are not her owner nor her parent. She's grown. Understand that before you destroy this. 1
ShyViolet Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 If I was the girlfriend in this situation, and you did this to me, I would dump you immediately. You have made a "rule" that she "has" to call you after every night out? Yeah, that is not cool. You are being controlling. I know you are presenting it as you are just worried about her, but there is a very strong controlling vibe to all this. If you are considering dumping her over this, then do her a favor and dump her. She deserves someone who is going to treat her with respect and not someone who is going to treat her like a child. 3
Uruktopi Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 7 hours ago, d0nnivain said: If this is not the 1st time this has happened & you are constantly losing sleep, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate whether this relationship is working for you. The quoted part of the post is the one I agree with.
Uruktopi Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 Besides the unfortunate word used (rule) I feel that behind the ferotious priority of the individual autonomy over the team-like coordination of piers, there is what I would call some grade of (sorry for the neologism) couplephobia. By a couple of piers and in this specific case I mean provided you also call her when you get back home during more risky hours. Of course she is whithin her rights if she don´t let you know that she arrived safe. May be the original poster should preserve his own right to choose someone else that freely is on his same page.
smackie9 Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 (edited) So you are thousands of miles away and she doesn't call you.....what can you possibly do? Nothing. The cops won't do anything neither. They are going to tell you she's an adult, wait 24 hours. So you just contact her the next day anyways. If she calls you or not, it's not going to make any difference. Edited June 12, 2021 by smackie9
basil67 Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 I think that if my partner wanted me to check in with him when I got home, I'd shut it down before it started. I need a partner who assumes competence on my part. And yeah, even if calling was something I was OK with, if things did go wrong and I didn't call, what's he going to do about it anyway?
Uruktopi Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 (edited) Another perspective.... I´m a man that survived dangerous situations, both quite well trained for and experienced about. I am mature, I don´t look for cheap risk and avoid it when possible (wich is most of times). Even so, I´ve appreciated the loving care that my (then) partner took in asking me to call her when I reached home late night. (she lived 450 miles away from me by those days). And I also cared for her state of mind about my well being So I did it. There is more there than the pragmatics of a potential help. And being us a couple I couldn´t care less on the individualist hysteria of avoiding being "controlled" and the gender power struggles. We were piers. With all my respect for other views on this, those are my two cents about. Edited June 13, 2021 by Uruktopi 1 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 LOL only my parents care about my safety that much. I don't buy it either. You don't trust her and she can probably sense it - calling/texting you every time when she gets home feels too controlling.
d0nnivain Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 11 hours ago, Uruktopi said: We were piers. Do you mean peers? as in equals? Or do you really mean to say piers, as in some type of pillar, plank, boardwalk. . . one part of a larger paradigm? Your 1st post was somewhat comprehensible with both meanings but the one I quoted, I'm not sure. Please clarify @Eggsplorer -- do consider the perspective of the posters who suggested that your need for this check in call is born of control & insecurity. If there is even a grain of truth to that, understand that may be why your SO is not calling, because they want more trust from you & are acting out to avoid what feels like overbearing control. If you don't have trust, you don't have a solid foundation for a relationship. The worry you claim to have is a bit extreme. Bad stuff happens all the time -- people are in accidents, they are the victims of drive by shootings, heck, they get stung by bees. If you don't have that level of excessive worry about every day life, try to ease up a bit about the coming home contact & trust her to be a mature, faithful adult.
Lotsgoingon Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 It's not your partner's job to calm your nerves and fears about routine living. Not her job. And your worries are your thing. BTW: why not have her call you to tell you she arrived safety to work? Or arrived safely home after work? Or got safety to the grocery store? And look, if the uber driver kidnapped her, or came into her home to do something bad, what are you going to do? You're away. The bad uber guy could just have her text you that she's fine. You wouldn't know the difference. This is your nerves. Save this for worrying about teenagers going out to their first parties. I'm not convinced that the true motivation on your part is her safety. It's possible you simply want an end-of-day sweet note from her. If so, say that.
Uruktopi Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 10 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Do you mean peers? as in equals? Or do you really mean to say piers, as in some type of pillar, plank, boardwalk. . . one part of a larger paradigm? Your 1st post was somewhat comprehensible with both meanings but the one I quoted, I'm not sure. Please clarify English is not my first language and neither the one I use more frequently in my everyday life, given where I am from and where I live. So I appologize for my writing mistakes and poor choice of words. Yes, by piers I meant a relationship between equals. Both in terms of individualities as avoiding to engage on what sometimes seem to drive each couple interaction as a reflection of a gender power struggle. Thank you for the opportunity of make this a bit more clear. 1
kendahke Posted June 14, 2021 Posted June 14, 2021 8 hours ago, Uruktopi said: piers are constructs by large bodies of water. Peers, I believe, is the word you're looking for. 1
Uruktopi Posted June 14, 2021 Posted June 14, 2021 2 hours ago, kendahke said: are constructs by large bodies of water. Peers, I believe, is the word you're looking for. Thank you.
Fletch Lives Posted June 14, 2021 Posted June 14, 2021 I know some people do this sort of thing but it's not necessary for her to check in with you when she gets home. She's not a kid. In fact, I think you are lucky you knew she went out
BeanCounter Posted June 14, 2021 Posted June 14, 2021 On 6/12/2021 at 10:33 AM, elaine567 said: Are you genuinely concerned for her physical safety or are you more concerned about her fidelity under the guise of being oh so caring...? Making doubly sure she is at home and not sharing her bed with someone else... Paranoia will annoy her. This is the question you have to answer yourself. Do you have a fear of her cheating on you after a night out with friends?
Uruktopi Posted June 14, 2021 Posted June 14, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said: In fact, I think you are lucky you knew she went out In fact he can even improve the same by ignoring if she is out, in, above, below or wherever else she may be. Erasing her cell number may be even better. And forgetting her name would make it near to complete. She is not a kid...... so why to validate her "rebelious" teen-like styles? She don´t seem ready for the (both sides) team attitude of a couple that naturally coordinate some basic things together Edited June 14, 2021 by Uruktopi
Recommended Posts