Author Gaeta Posted June 12, 2021 Author Posted June 12, 2021 1 minute ago, jspice said: Have you thought that maybe you focus on the wrong stuff when it comes to men? They’re always younger, easy on the eyes. You ignore a lot of red flags, seemingly because physical attraction is strong. Actually l just said physical attraction only showed up on second date and nothing to get carried away with. I can recognize he is an attractive man but l'm not the dater/woman l was before my ex. I'm menopaused now, my sex drive is a fraction of what it was + the cheating broke something in my inner seductress. He is a quiet man, calm, respectful, l was thinking that's a good start. 2
poppyfields Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 14 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Told me as far as he's concerned l'm his I missed that! After one meet? Or was it two meets? Yikes, I am curious what drew you to him, that goes beyond creepy.
Happy Lemming Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: That sends a very poor message Gaeta, it's chasing behavior. I'm in agreement with @poppyfields on this one. If anything I might pick up a Starbucks gift card and give it (to him) as a belated b'day gift on the next date. If there is no next date, treat yourself to some special coffee you like. 2 1
cleverusername Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 5 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Rewarding him with attention and validation for not calling you for three days or initiating a third meet? That sends a very poor message Gaeta, it's chasing behavior. The ball is in HIS court, step back and allow him the opportunity to hit it back. Let HIM think and wonder about you! It goes both ways. Sorry poppy but enough game playing. If you're interested in someone just show it. If you want a date, set it up. If you want to text, text. Either they reciprocate or they don't and on to the next. Being passive and waiting for the other person to make some sort of move is just wasting your own time. 1
Author Gaeta Posted June 12, 2021 Author Posted June 12, 2021 You're right, i'm not wishing him happy b'day. When he first messaged me online, l could see he had put an effort in his message so instead of ignoring him l thanked him for his interest and declined saying l was looking for someone my age. He convinced me in a very articulate way our age difference was minimal AND convinced me to meet on that very same day. I am under estimating him, This man does not need me to hold his hand and guide him into dating me. He's more than capable to get that 3rd date rolling. 4
Alpacalia Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 It’s still early days. See if communication picks up as the dates become more frequent and once you’ve both established that you’d like to keep seeing each other. The lack of communication between dates will either kill off any potential on its own or it won't. 1
poppyfields Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, cleverusername said: Sorry poppy but enough game playing. If you're interested in someone just show it. If you want a date, set it up. If you want to text, text. Either they reciprocate or they don't and on to the next. Being passive and waiting for the other person to make some sort of move is just wasting your own time. Gaeta already did that, SHE initiated the second date. She has not heard from him since, if she calls wishing him a "happy birthday" no matter how we spin this, she is seeking reassurance, and hoping it prompts him to initiate a third date. NOT a good message to send, imo. Dating is a two way street, what you are suggesting is a set up for a one-sided dating experience, with Gaeta taking all the initiative and him sitting back enjoying all the attention she is giving him. It's NOT going to inspire him to do anything, he will become lazy which is the kiss of death. Yes of course it's a bit of a game I already said that, which isn't a bad thing necessarily, it's almost essential otherwise you risk being exploited and taken advantage of. Edited June 12, 2021 by poppyfields 3
Author Gaeta Posted June 12, 2021 Author Posted June 12, 2021 7 minutes ago, cleverusername said: Sorry poppy but enough game playing. If you're interested in someone just show it. Was that for me? Cause l initiated the 2nd meeting and l accepted with enthusiasm his offer for a 3rd one. I think l've done my part. 3 1
poppyfields Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Was that for me? Cause l initiated the 2nd meeting and l accepted with enthusiasm his offer for a 3rd one. I think l've done my part. No he meant that for me, in response to my suggestion that you not call, giving HIM the opportunity to step up to the plate... Not sure why he thinks that's "game playing," to me it's just "smart dating," and having a healthy dose of self-respect and self-esteem. Edited June 12, 2021 by poppyfields 1
cleverusername Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Gaeta already did that, SHE initiated the second date. She has not heard from him since, if she calls wishing him a "happy birthday" no matter how we spin this, she is seeking reassurance, and hoping it prompts him to initiate a third date. NOT a good message to send, imo. Dating is a two way street, what you are suggesting is a set up for a one-sided dating experience, with Gaeta taking all the initiative and him sitting back enjoying all the attention she is giving him. It's NOT going to inspire him to do anything, he will become lazy which is the kiss of death. Yes of course it's a bit of a game I already said that, which isn't a bad thing necessarily, it's almost essential otherwise you risk being exploited and taken advantage of. Exactly it is a two way street, founded on communication. If she can't communicate her desire to see this guy she is interested in without him losing respect for her, he's not a fit. If she feels that she can't "chase" or initiate a date because she is a woman, or there needs to be some golden ratio of initiation, then that is a "her" issue. The guy will initiate when he wants. She can either subject herself to his mercy, she can cut in run, or she can not compromise her interest and go after what she wants without judgment like every healthy adult should be able to. 10 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Was that for me? Cause l initiated the 2nd meeting and l accepted with enthusiasm his offer for a 3rd one. I think l've done my part. And he initiated the first. What it has to be a one to one ratio going him-you-him-you and so on? You said you are confused about his silence. You can either wait for him to contact you or you can do it yourself. You don't lose respect as a woman by going after something you are interested in. You don't lose power. If anything you gain it. He either can handle a confident, driven, independent woman like you or he can't. But you shouldn't compromise you wants and desires to fit into a gender role conforming box. You can wonder, or you can just say screw it and go for it. Take a little risk, have some fun, do what you want not what society tells you to do. Edited June 12, 2021 by cleverusername
poppyfields Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 2 minutes ago, cleverusername said: The guy will initiate when he wants. She can either subject herself to his mercy, she can cut in run, or she can not compromise her interest and go after what she wants without judgment like every healthy adult should be able to. OR, or she can do what I advised earlier, chill and continue chatting with and meeting other men. Remaining open and flexible and should he reach out this weekend or next week or even the following week, see how she feels then. My guess is by then, she would have forgotten all about him anyway. But if not, she can accept his offer and have a blast!! I am all for 'going after what you want,' but there are many ways to do that without chasing a man who's not making any effort at all or indicating HIS interest, other than asking her if she'd like to go out again but not following through. Doing so is just plain dumb.
cleverusername Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: OR, or she can do what I advised earlier, chill and continue chatting with and meeting other men. Remaining open and flexible and should he reach out this weekend or next week or even the following week, see how she feels then. My guess is by then, she would have forgotten all about him anyway. But if not, she can accept his offer and have a blast!! I am all for 'going after what you want,' but there are many ways to do that without chasing a man who's not making any effort at all or indicating HIS interest, other than asking her if she'd like to go out again but not following through. Doing so is just plain dumb. Agree. The thread was about 3 days of silence. I'm simply presenting the most "direct" solution to the problem. Yours is the passive option. I'd rather have a solution sooner rather than later. Deep down I think G wants a solution sooner too, considering she made this thread and is considering texting a "happy birthday" in spite of everything and having given advice on countless threads like this herself...... Chasing is dumb but only when it's a woman doing it, right? When a man does the chasing its called "courting" and "pursuing". Come on Poppy, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman being confident and direct in what she wants. It's also the fastest resolution to this whole thing. Either he accepts because he's interested or he doesn't
poppyfields Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 LOL I am getting a bit wound up now but what is up with 'wishing him/her a happy birthday'? I mean what's that about really? We are adults, I haven't cared about anyone wishing me a happy birthday in so long, I can't even remember. Like maybe when I was 10 years old, I cared about it. But yet I read so many threads asking "should I wish my ex a happy birthday?" or now Gaeta, two meets, he hasn't reached out, and she wants to wish HIM a happy birthday. It's such a contrived thing to do, no one really does it because they actually care, unless it's your SO, or a good friend or family member, they do it to seek reassurance, or to test the waters. A few of my ex's have wished me a happy birthday and I can see right through it, I am not flattered by it, I see it as a sort of manipulation even. Gaeta, again I would not advise it. 1
Author Gaeta Posted June 12, 2021 Author Posted June 12, 2021 @cleverusername l see what you mean and parts of me agree with you. Apparently my daughter agrees with you. 1
poppyfields Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, cleverusername said: Chasing is dumb but only when it's a woman doing it, right? When a man does the chasing its called "courting" and "pursuing". Come on Poppy, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman being confident and direct in what she wants. It's also the fastest resolution to this whole thing. Either he accepts because he's interested or he doesn't No "chasing" is bad when men do it too, and if roles were reversed I would give the same advice to men. Dating = two people 'pursuing' each other, making equal effort, in different ways, but equal nevertheless. A friend of mine describes it like a game of tennis, hitting the ball back and forth to each other. Gaeta hit the ball, and for now he has let the ball DROP. Maybe he will pick it up again and hit it back, maybe not. Stay open to all possibilities and enjoy the journey. I am not sure I call that being passive. I call it being smart and allowing things to unfold in their natural course, versus pushing and forcing a solution because you're too damn impatient and anxious to allow it to unfold naturally. Edited June 12, 2021 by poppyfields 1
cleverusername Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: @cleverusername l see what you mean and parts of me agree with you. Apparently my daughter agrees with you. Not sure how I feel about the daughter comparison. I'm just telling you as a man, If I was truly interested, I would have so much respect for you going after what you want and showing you interest. I would reciprocate that by stepping up my game. Communication, the foundation of relationships. You shouldn't have to feel you need to tone back your own voice from the start out of fear of looking some way. People accept you and respect you, or they will get out of your way because you're too strong, badass, and self confident to f**k with. 3
cleverusername Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 6 minutes ago, poppyfields said: No "chasing" is bad when men do it too, and if roles were reversed I would give the same advice to men. Dating = two people 'pursuing' each other, making equal effort, in different ways, but equal nevertheless. A friend of mine describes it like a game of tennis, hitting the ball back and forth to each other. Gaeta hit the ball, and for now he has let the ball DROP. Maybe he will pick it up again and hit it back, maybe not. Stay open to all possibilities and enjoy the journey. I am not sure I call that being passive. I call it being smart and allowing things to unfold in their natural course, versus pushing and forcing a solution because you're too damn impatient and anxious to allow it to unfold naturally. Tennis is a game. I hate games. I go after what I want. I'm not going to sit around second guessing myself and my actions. I'm not going to give someone else power over my life. I'm going to take control of it and either I will get what I want, or I will move on. Simple as that. Women.... men... doesn't matter. Life will be so much easier and simpler when you take control of it yourself.
poppyfields Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Gaeta said: @cleverusername l see what you mean and parts of me agree with you. Apparently my daughter agrees with you. Gaeta, I am sure he would be thrilled if you called him! Men love attention and validation, don't kid yourself about that. It may even prompt him to initiate a third date, but is that what you want? You essentially pushing, so he will initiate? I am just not sure it will accomplish what you want it, which is inspiring him to want to pursue you back. On his own without you having to push for it. People need to feel inspired, and if you're doing all the heavy lifting and pushing for the solution, like I said he will become lazy, and eventually turned off. Do your own thing, live your life. Give him the opportunity to think and wonder about you, it inspires attraction. I mean look how you feel, you admit you're intrigued! That's what all that "wondering" does, it intrigues us. Maybe it is a game, I don't know, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, in fact, I find it rather fun, I love uncertainty and feeling intrigued!! But it's up to you, do what YOU feel is best and let chips fall where they may. Good luck whatever you decide and let us know!! Edited June 12, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Author Gaeta Posted June 12, 2021 Author Posted June 12, 2021 Something unusual here, looks like he deleted his profile. His messages have disappeared from my in-box and sent box too. 2
poppyfields Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, cleverusername said: Not sure how I feel about the daughter comparison. I'm just telling you as a man, If I was truly interested, I would have so much respect for you going after what you want and showing you interest. I would reciprocate that by stepping up my game. Communication, the foundation of relationships. You shouldn't have to feel you need to tone back your own voice from the start out of fear of looking some way. People accept you and respect you, or they will get out of your way because you're too strong, badass, and self confident to f**k with. Bolded, if you were truly interested, then wouldn't you have reached out and arranged a third date, especially given the fact Gaeta initiated the second? I am not understanding that. I get your need for a woman showing interest but Gaeta has done that, not sure what more you or any man would expect her to do. Again, dating is a two way street. Edited June 12, 2021 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 Just now, Gaeta said: Something unusual here, looks like he deleted his profile. His messages have disappeared from my in-box and sent box too. Well, that settles that then. Next. 2
cleverusername Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 Just now, poppyfields said: Well, that settles that then. Next. The universe is just laughing at us at this point 2
Author Gaeta Posted June 12, 2021 Author Posted June 12, 2021 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Well, that settles that then. Next. How does it settles anything? We communicated via text not the app.
poppyfields Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 5 minutes ago, cleverusername said: Tennis is a game. I hate games. I go after what I want. I'm not going to sit around second guessing myself and my actions. I'm not going to give someone else power over my life. I'm going to take control of it and either I will get what I want, or I will move on. Simple as that. Women.... men... doesn't matter. Life will be so much easier and simpler when you take control of it yourself. If you go after what you want, then again why would you have not initiated a third date, given Gaeta initiated the second? Or reached out in three days? You're contradicting yourself, but it doesn't matter, they guy has deleted her - NEXT. I'm sorry Gaeta. 1
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