Girlfriend focuses on all the past negatives when angry. How to handle it?

[SumGuy]

On 6/11/2021 at 5:34 PM, Broken41 said:

...Our issue is that when she gets angry with me, she focuses on all the things that have ever gone wrong in the relationship to date.  I mean literally... that's all she focuses on.  She even sometimes makes up negative assumptions about things that aren't even true.  I feel like she intentionally tries to demonize me.  She has brought up that she is afraid of getting hurt and I'm sure that's a part of it.  But, the reactions get blown WAY out of proportion until she calms down and realizes that was the case.

I'm not sure the best way to handle it?  I try to reason with her.  When she is angry, no hope of doing that.  When she calms down, it's easier.  It's hard to tell once she has calmed down though.  Sometimes I thought she has but then it just explodes in my face again.  I try to just keep distance until she calms down.  Very unsettling though when she talks about ending things when angry and pulls away a LOT.  It's killing my security in the relationship.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

This is classic borderline personality disorder, and/or other cluster B personality disorders.  Especially the bold part, but really the whole thing.   Especially if she brings up things from the past where you did her wrong yet at the time there was not an inkling of indication she was upset.

The first bolded statement, that is gas lighting...making up things and then using that made up thing against you while denying it is made up...I bet she even turns it against you if you mention that untrue thing is not true.

The second bolded part is also part of the pulling the rug out from under you.  Conscious or not it is common borderline behavior (as well as narcissistic personality disorder behavior. 

Don't take a later apology from her (assuming it is even a true apology) at face value.  That is common in the abuse cycle: abuse-apologize-abuse. The apologies may even start off as full, but they will erode into shifting part of the blame of their reaction onto you (or even the past).

That she is afraid of getting hurt...goes hand in hand with how these things arise.  Yet your sympathy for her issues should end when her abuse of you begins.

Other things to look out for, does she often engage in black and white thinking?  Have you begun to walk on egg shells around her yet?  There is more, there are  many sites dedicated to this...here is just one https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm    Note, older views of this included self-harm but that is a low functioning version.  High functioning versions are not like that and if presented in a male they will often be more described as narcissistic personality disorder, which is also a cluster B disorder and these cluster B disorders are of a kind one can be nearer one type that another.

People with these disorders can be very charming, especially when they have painted you white (it's a term used to describe the behavior so you can google it in this context) but often via mirroring and love bombing (also terms of art).

I saw someone mention bi-polar, that is sometimes a diagnosis because insurance companies will often not pay for treatment of borderline personality disorder (it has been considered untreatable).  Also the mood swings make them superficially appear the same.  What you describe here sounds like a rage episode, a rage episode is not really a manic or depressive episode like in  bi-polar disorder.

Even if there is no diagnosis, or regardless, this behavior is down right toxic, and abuse, and a major red flag only 4 months into a relationship.  RUN.  End this relationship and move on...but be warned, and be prepared, people like this are often spiteful and will do whatever they think they can get away with in retaliation.

If you look at my post history you will see I rarely say this and advocate for communication, but it is clear there is no getting through her wall of anger.

Alternatively, let us say she is right you are a demon (not that I believe that) then do one good deed Mr. Demon and leave her.  If you truly are a demon she should welcome this.   I suspect though it will be the more classic borderline situation "I hate you, don't leave me."  Leave, there is no hope here unless she recognizes she has a problem, seeks treatment, and actually begins to change her behavior.  

[balletomane]

OP, is this the same situation described in this recent thread here? It sounds identical (you feeling that your short-term 40 something girlfriend is demonising you and constantly focusing on the negatives, you getting a relationship book to read together, etc).

If it is, all the advice in that thread still stands. This is the second time you've created a new username to post about turbulent romantic situations. In previous threads you lied to make the situation sound more palatable (e.g. saying that you'd been dating for longer than you actually had been, not mentioning that you'd moved in together right at the start, etc.) which means I have to ask what you're hoping to get out of these boards. You can't press backspace on a real-life situation or hit the edit button because you don't like the outcome, and omitting or lying about key details in order to get the advice you want to hear is obviously not going to work - the things people tell you can't be relevant if you hide half the story from them. It seems you are more preoccupied with managing your reputation amongst Internet strangers than you are with making positive changes.

[dangerous]

On 6/11/2021 at 11:00 PM, Broken41 said:

Thanks for the feedback.  So you feel this truly can't be fixed?  I hate to give up as our "good" is SO good.  It's just I have tried to talk to her and even read a relationship book about handling this stuff with her (although we haven't finished it yet).  When she is angry it all goes right out the window.  

If there is any way to break a cycle like this, I'd at least like to try.  I just don't know how?

I haven't read the rest of your thread yet, but when I read this I had to reply. I had a very similar situation.

I stayed the course for 3 years: Incredible highs (sex and fun) and tantrums, moods, criticisms, threatened breakups, then making up = incredible highs (sex and fun), rinse and repeat, ad nauseum!

Eventually we broke up. Immmediately, I mean, immediately, she found a new man (victim) - in fact I am sure she monkey branched as i warned her I would not accept her bad behaviour any longer (she had refused counselling / half-hearted self improvement efforts etc). but ultimately i recognised she was broken and I couldn't fix her, epsecially since she wouldn't fix herself.

Despite me being the "love of her life" she declared her new man, "her soul mate" within weeks, and I have been a forgotten part of her history since (2 years) so much for the "good".

In retrospect I wasted too much time, but the highs were very high, so I get your dilemma. 

[dangerous]

On 6/11/2021 at 11:23 PM, Broken41 said:

Great points, and near the start of the relationship, I did mention therapy.  She had been receptive to it at one point, but since then, she blew it off.  I just hate to walk away without giving it one last shot so I at least know I tried.

I will mention therapy to her again and see if she might be more receptive to it this time.  I just don't get what goes on in her head where when angry she focuses on any and every negative thing she possibly can.

lol exactly this.

[SumGuy]

On 6/12/2021 at 5:23 AM, Fletch Lives said:

This is not uncommon. Women often don't fight fair....

Not in my expereince.  The vast majority of women have dated (90%+) have fought fair and were very fair in what they would fight about.   "Fights" were also very, very rare and never had a single fight with most women have dated; disagreements sure but resolved with mutual consideration and respect and seeking agreement and understanding not just getting ones way.

Maybe I have been lucky or just the type of women I am attracted to or the pool I fish in...every time I here of these stereotypical bad behaviors (and who am I to doubt they are not commonly experienced by many men) I think more and more it is the pool I fish in is just different.

The type of fighting described by OP is far beyond saying things in the heat of the moment we regret.

[Fletch Lives]

^^ You've chosen better women.

[spiderowl]

Basically, it sounds as if she is not happy with you.  Although issues are being resolved temporarily, the underlying problems she perceives are not being, hence her bringing them up again.

It does not mean you are doing anything wrong.  It might mean you two are incompatible though.

If you are both unhappy with the arguments, then both of you should be looking for ways to resolve or prevent them.  You mentioned that you got a book - is she reading it too?  What is her view of this?  

Having been a woman in the situation where I was often getting angry with my partner, I can say that it was not the way I wanted things to be.  I felt he was not pulling his weight and I was bearing the stress for all of us.  He was not considering my feelings.  In the end, we split up.  The arguments were a symptom of unhappiness and dissatisfaction in the relationship.

[divegrl]

What exactly are the “wrongs”? 
 

Have you dated her prior to this? It sounds like there is some history here... more then a couple month relationship. 

[introverted1]

On 6/17/2021 at 10:12 AM, SumGuy said:

Maybe I have been lucky or just the type of women I am attracted to or the pool I fish in...every time I here of these stereotypical bad behaviors (and who am I to doubt they are not commonly experienced by many men) I think more and more it is the pool I fish in is just different.

The type of fighting described by OP is far beyond saying things in the heat of the moment we regret.

I agree that you have probably fished in a different pool.  But I don't think it is luck.  Emotionally healthy people typically attract other emotionally healthy people.  Or at least can identify and avoid emotionally unhealthy people.

When we read threads about couples who are constantly fighting, have break-up/make-up cycles, etc., it is usually because neither one knows what a healthy relationship looks like, neither one has developed healthy coping and/or communication skills.

When a person finds him- or herself in the same sort of unhealthy relationship over and over, it's time to look at the common denominator.

[balletomane]

14 hours ago, introverted1 said:

I agree that you have probably fished in a different pool.  But I don't think it is luck.  Emotionally healthy people typically attract other emotionally healthy people.  Or at least can identify and avoid emotionally unhealthy people.

When we read threads about couples who are constantly fighting, have break-up/make-up cycles, etc., it is usually because neither one knows what a healthy relationship looks like, neither one has developed healthy coping and/or communication skills.

When a person finds him- or herself in the same sort of unhealthy relationship over and over, it's time to look at the common denominator.

Where there are recurrent threads on a particular situation, some of the patterns appear in the threads too. Here we seem to have someone who gets emotionally involved very quickly, who hides key details that might make his decision-making look bad or stop him from getting the outcome he wants, and who reacts to advice he doesn't like by posting lengthy explanations/justifications or by ignoring the thread and later creating another one. And so the cycle goes on. It's very easy to see how this pattern of behaviour might feed into an unhealthy relationship.

[basil67]

20 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

Early on, dating is just meant to determine whether or not there is compatibility. If you guys are only a few months in and you've already had several fights, that just shows she isn't for you and it's time to break things off. Why she does what she does is irrelevant. Let her become someone else's problem. 

Sometimes, the most simple answer is the best.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP,  actually YOU would really benefit from therapy here because apparently you have a "rescue" complex, a rescue fantasy. 

Other issues--terrible boundaries. You don't know how to set reasonable standards for dating. You don't trust what you're feeling in your body. You go passive (like a helpless little kid) when someone talks to you meanly and abusively and destructively. 

You skip over the pain, the sadness, the hurt, the anger of bad situations--and you escape to the fantasy of recommending therapy for her.  Bad boundaries, inability to say no, inability to stand up for yourself, disrespect for your own time and mental health, need for approval, willing to compromise despite all manner of cruel behavior and treatment, escapist. You probably don't focus on clear goals in life, whether work or hobbies or friendships outside of this crazy relationship. If you had other stuff going on in your life, you'd be less likely to tolerate this foolish. 

That's a ton of material YOU can work on in therapy. Ton. You drop this woman, like we advise, there's a 99 percent chance you're going to attract another turbulent, impossible, woman who lashes out recklessly. YOU really need the therapy--not her. 

[Broken41]

Thanks everyone for your feedback here.  You were all absolutely right... there is no hope here.

The more time goes on, the more she denies her issues and the more she projects it all onto me.  Arguments start over the most trivial things.  But more concerning is that they start over her misinterpreting intentions behind the words I say.  She will blame "my tone when I say it" or "how I said it."  I am friends with a few different exes (ones who were sane, but just not compatible).  They all confirmed I am very well spoken and never had any issues with how I communicated with them.  I had to check, because this woman really made me feel I was a large part of the problem.

But anyway, I have been on the fence for the last couple weeks.  Off and on together, looking for a new place, etc.  I realize there is no fixing it.  While she once claimed she was receptive to couple's counseling, when I actually asked about when would be good for an appointment, she backed out.  Claimed "I don't want to deal with it, as you'll just point the finger at me and blame me for everything."  I tried to make it clear a large part of the counseling is to prevent things like that and for each person involved to accept accountability for their own part in it.  But, no matter how much I tried to reason, she refused.  Then, while we were fine prior to that, suddenly it became "I want you to move out so I can be by myself again."  Completely blind-sided after days of her telling me "why can't it always be like this?" and ranting about how happy she is again, smiling like she used to, etc.  Based on how it happened, it seems clear as day to me she is afraid of facing her problems and knows she won't be able to hide them from the counselor.  So, it's either end things with me before counseling and stay convinced I am the "bad guy," or do counseling and realize her issues that she will have to confront.  She chose to end things.  Nothing I can do to change that, nor do I care to anymore.  She made her choice - denial of her issues is more important than our relationship.

With that said, the only thing I miss now is the lies that gave me false hope.  She love bombed me bad.  She claimed "she would never give up, as she could never live without me knowing how happy she is with me."  

SumGuy, you are absolutely right in that it seems to be more than bipolar disorder.  I did date someone years back diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and it was scary how similar this woman is to her.  The triggers that would make her become a completely different person, the disgust in her eyes when angry, the malicious intent, complete lack of empathy, and uncontrollable rage.  She is afraid of it, hence why she denies how bad it is.  She calls it a "short fuse."  No, not even close.

A lot of you are also right that I need my psychologist to help me figure out why I keep attracting these types.  Ever since my divorce (the worst part being my daughter growing up in a broken home), which was about 9yrs ago now, I have attracted all the wrong women.  At least three narcissists, cheaters, liars, an alcoholic, etc.  I can't figure out why.  My psych used to just tell me it was some bad luck, but this pattern has been going on over and over and is clear that on a subconscious level, I am drawn to unhealthy characteristics.  I am trying to fully evaluate myself to figure all this out.  Myself personally has had multiple evaluations from multiple psychologists to make damn sure it wasn't me.  I have moderate situational depression (the situation being a custody battle with my kids).  Otherwise, I am completely sane.  And with things getting back to normal with my kids, the depression is fairly non-existent now.  

I am going to try to write a list of characteristics of the women over the last several years.  Their similarities, the patterns, how I met them, etc.  Many of them seem VERY different, but I have to figure out some kind of pattern.  And again, I will definitely be covering it with my counselor.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback.  I stuck it out longer than I should, mainly because it was back and forth with her agreeing to counseling.  But, it's clear she won't ever do it, at least not now.  She wants me out of the house, which I already know is going to conclude in her realizing her depression has nothing to do with me.  She moved in hopes of "fixing" herself somehow.  But, her depression was already ongoing when her and I first met, and will continue after I'm gone.  But, once I move out, I made it clear that's it.  I am not wasting any more time with this woman.  Maybe after she spent like 6mos in regular counseling, a completed anger management course, and a few other things, and I *might* consider talking to her.  But even then, her blaming me when deep down (and at the start of us) she knew it was her, I don't see how to move past that.  She has done SO much damage here.  I'm not even sure I love her anymore.  I'm just disappointed and depressed in thinking I found what I have looked for since I was like 14, all to have found yet another illusion that never existed.