Don't know what to do

[Lady_Chiara]

Hi all,

I'm coming back on here as I've had some good advice in the past. Essentially, I don't know what to do about my relationship situation. I started dating my boyfriend about a year ago, we started messaging during lockdown and then met in person and clicked straightaway. He was really into me from the beginning and we've gone through a lot- he's put up with my unorthodox living situation (I live with my parents in my mid-thirties), has supported me through grief and we've been separated through numerous lockdowns but stayed together. I feel really lucky to have met him after many bad previous relationships. He's very calm and kind, and we have a strong connection.

However, over the last few months, we've had several pretty bad arguments, which is probably understandable as Covid has kept us apart so much. At the beginning of last month, I started a new job (which was amazing) but had to do it remotely, which made me feel isolated. I also felt a sense of disconnect from my boyfriend, which led to me starting an argument one evening, accusing him of not loving me anymore. I felt terrible afterwards, apologised and we made up, with him saying he'd support me through whatever I was dealing with. We've been really happy when we're together at the weekends, but in the week (we can't see other because of work and I don't drive), I feel he doesn't engage in conversation and regularly forgets our scheduled phone calls. This is difficult for me, as communication is a major form of connection for me (which he knows).

Last week, I felt myself slipping further into anxiety and depression but didn't face up to it. However on Tuesday night, I felt really bad and tried to tell him about it. He sent text kisses but didn't engage and often wouldn't respond for ages (I think he was hanging out with his housemates but didn't say so I didn't know to back off).

We spoke on Wednesday and I mentioned to him again about being in a dark place, and he didn't really react. This made me flip hugely and I got upset and said he didn't care about me. His response was that he loved me so much, that he had been busy with work recently and that I couldn't keep putting him through this. We both said we wanted space and he told me he felt the relationship was unhealthy. I haven't heard from him since. 

I've been really upset understandably. To make it worse, I've been doing some research on how I've been feeling and it's highly likely that my mental health issues over the last few months have been connected to the brand of pill that I've been using since March. I've spoken to a nurse who's agreed and taking me off it. But it feels too late.

I don't know how to deal with this. I feel like the relationship is over, even though I want so much for us to reconcile. I don't know who's fault this is- my counsellor thinks I'm in the right and my boyfriend has walked out on his depressed girlfriend, whilst I feel I overreacted. We were making so many plans together- to move in together, meet family, take trips. We both said that this is for keeps and it seems such a shame that such a lovely relationship has been ruined so easily. 

My boyfriend has had a history of toxic relationships and I don't want to hurt him any further by making him stay in a relationship that isn't good for him. I have low self esteem issues caused by previous bad relationships and very bad bullying when I was younger and have had feelings of wanting to sabotage the relationship. He's always stood with me though. I just love him so much and don't want to see something so promising fail especially as we've had so many happy times together. But I really don't know what to do.

Edited June 10, 2021 by Lady_Chiara

[Gaeta]

May l ask why you live with your parents and don't drive at your age?

[Foxhall]

Your probably feeling guilty now that you acted too clingy or needy and so on,

dont be too hard on yourself, you just needed a bit of reassurance and extra support from your man,

you need to feel connected and loved which is perfectly ok,

give him a break perhaps for a week or two, if the relationship is good he should come back to you,

keep yourself occupied, keep in mind some other things you could join, be open to making new friends.

 

[ShyViolet]

I think he's feeling overwhelmed, drained and exhausted with your anxiety and depression issues.  You have been trying to use him for support and lean on him a lot with your mental health struggles.  He probably feels that he doesn't know what to say to you, doesn't have the ability to help you with it, and he doesn't want to be your therapist.  That is probably what he. meant when he said "this relationship is unhealthy."

You can't use him as someone to lean on about your mental health struggles.  It's clearly not a position that he wants to be in.  He might be feeling done with this relationship.  That's the sense I get.

[dramafreezone]

49 minutes ago, Lady_Chiara said:

. I also felt a sense of disconnect from my boyfriend, which led to me starting an argument one evening, accusing him of not loving me anymore

 

49 minutes ago, Lady_Chiara said:

We spoke on Wednesday and I mentioned to him again about being in a dark place, and he didn't really react. This made me flip hugely and I got upset and said he didn't care about me

 

49 minutes ago, Lady_Chiara said:

I've been really upset understandably. To make it worse, I've been doing some research on how I've been feeling and it's highly likely that my mental health issues over the last few months have been connected to the brand of pill that I've been using since March.

Most guys are going to get fed up with this constant need to pick you up.  There will never any permanent resolution the way things are going right now.  It's just about getting over this blowup until the next one inevitably comes, and at a certain point it's not worth it anymore.  Everyone has issues and is responsible for getting them fixed.  Neither he nor anyone else owes you understanding.  You have to get your own issues fixed via therapy.

Edited June 10, 2021 by dramafreezone

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you're hurting, however, my thoughts are different to both you and your counsellor.

If someone is depressed, it's great if their partner supports them through it.  But there can come a time where it gets to be too much for the partner to cope with and they need to put their own mental health first, lest they be dragged down too.   And then there were the 'pretty bad arguments' - it can't have been good from his side either.   Given that he'd been missing phone calls, it sounds to me like he started pulling away quite some time back.  

Now, if he was pulling away, that probably wound you up further and exacerbated your mental health issues.  Which further pushed him away.   It's too long past now, but I think the problem here started with the bad arguments.  So much of what is said in the heat of the moment can't be undone.  

 

[stillafool]

He may be getting tired and bored with the relationship the way it is now.  You haven't learned to drive, live home with your parents and you seem a bit needy and dealing with depression.  That isn't much fun for him and it seems he's always having to calm your anxiety.  This is too much for someone who has only been dating you a year. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Lady_Chiara said:

No We both said we wanted space and he told me he felt the relationship was unhealthy. I haven't heard from him since. 

Since you both agreed you wanted space he's going to take it.  This is what you expected wasn't it?

[salparadise]

If you have anxiety and depression, when you're feeling low or anxious there's only so much he can do –– and that is mostly to reassure you that he cares about you. But when you negate that by saying you think he doesn't, where does that leave him? He can't fix you, he can only stand by you.

What you're doing is taking how you feel (anxious/depressed) and turning it into relationship issues as if he were responsible for your feelings, or had the ability but is withholding the cure. He's not asking you to pretend not to feel how you feel, but when you make it about him it becomes a different deal altogether. Instead of conflating the negative feelings with how you feel about him, you need to keep it separate and express appreciation for him being there for you through your ups and downs.

If you told your therapist what you said here, about projecting it on him when you're feeling bad, she's not doing you any favors by sympathizing with you and vilifying him. She needs to hold you responsible, help you become aware of your mistakes, and learn better coping behaviors. Appreciation is a biggie for men, the opposite of that (blame) is going to send them toward the exit.

[Lady_Chiara]

10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

May l ask why you live with your parents and don't drive at your age?

Sure- I moved back home to care for my mum when she was sick. However, I'm now planning to move out. And I don't drive because I never really needed to, I did start having lessons when I met my boyfriend to make life easier, but constant lockdowns have made continuing lessons difficult.

It's a difficult one regarding talking to my partner about mental health issues. I usually keep them to myself, but he has often urged me to talk and share them. Plus, he regularly sits up late talking or texting his female housemates through their difficult times, and I have helped as well. I have offered him a lot of support through his own issues as well. 

I think that I probably do come across as very needy but I'm not sure how to fix that. He's also been quite needy in the past, so maybe I'm just following the pattern. Accusing him of not caring for me was a low point, but those are the only times I've done it and I've apologised. I've regularly told him how much I appreciate him, that I feel very loved and that I'm proud of him and how hard he works. I try to make life outside of work as stress-free for him. I'm not a fan of expecting someone to fix me either, but as I said, my mental health was very bad.

I'm planning on giving him as much space as he needs, and focus on myself and dealing with my own issues.  But it's so difficult- I feel in a lot of emotional pain, can't sleep or focus on work. I just want him to call me and hangout, but know that shouldn't happen. But writing this has helped.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Lady_Chiara said:

I've been doing some research on how I've been feeling and it's highly likely that my mental health issues over the last few months 

Sorry this happened. It's good you are taking a break because it was getting toxic 

Mental health is not a DIY situation. Ask your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist for more accurate diagnoses and treatment.

Clearly whatever you are currently doing is not helping you enough and negatively impacting your well-being and life.

[smackie9]

I understand your struggles BUT I have been on the other end. When people have depression it takes over and can't see anything past their nose...not trying to be harsh, but I'm giving you the other perspective. It's a real rough emotional ride for me and anyone else that lives with, or lived with anyone or deals with someone with mental health issues. It it's damned if you do and damned if you don't. It's frustrating as hell and it feels like you are in hell at times. It's so difficult defuse the mental episodes. It's confusing.hurtful, and that is why people like your BF had to take himself out of it for his own sanity. The thing is, he doesn't understand, he doesn't know what to do. He's taking it as personally as you are. Take some accountability and give him the knowledge what this is all about, like your medication issues, how you feel, about the disorder, what he can do when your behavior changes, etc. Help him understand. And let this be a lesson, if you feel life is taking a turn, and you find yourself arguing a lot, etc, see your doctor, get your medication adjusted. We all know what works for awhile, may not work later. Seen it many times with my mother. Treatment options are plentiful which is great.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don’t think it’s at all  fair or very professional of your counsellor to suggest he “walked out on his depressed girlfriend.”

That is incredibly dismissive of how hard it is to be on the other side of a depressed partner, and feeds into an abandonment narrative. Neither is helpful. Instead, I think you need to recognize that at some point, your mental health issues will take a toll on your relationships and start to hurt the people around you, too. That is not to say this is all your fault, but you need to take accountability for your role in this. 

My impression is that you were correctly identifying that your boyfriend is pulling away from you,  but your reaction to those fears (accusing him of not caring) is where this fell apart. Rather than asking him how he was feeling or if he wanted to talk about something, you went on the offensive. You didn’t give him the chance to speak his own mind. It might not have ended differently, in that he still was probably leaning toward a breakup,  but it could have opened the door to communication instead of slamming it shut. 

I think you two will probably talk again, but I would brace yourself for hearing some things you might not want to hear. 

[Lady_Chiara]

Thanks all- just an update. He contacted me on Friday night and was confrontational, so I told him I couldn't face another fight as I was in too much pain. He told me he was too but we agreed to talk another time. I got in touch with him yesterday to see if he was ready to talk but his response was that he was not in a good headspace and he didn't know what he needed from me.

I'm going to take what you have said on board and have already started doing research into emotional regulation and trying to understand why I feel so insecure. As well as this, I'm considering seeing a psychiatrist. I'm also looking into building a life that doesn't surround him- so my isolation and mental health struggles don't all rest on him.

I love him very much and feel that there is still a future for the relationship, however if he feels that our issues are too much to overcome, I will understand and accept this. It's just going to be a long and painful path.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Lady_Chiara said:

 I got in touch with him yesterday to see if he was ready to talk but his response was that he was not in a good headspace and he didn't know what he needed from me

This sounds like games. A power struggle. The hurry-up-and-wait game. 

You're right all this passive-aggressive undermining and eroding each other is toxic.

If you take a break, or better yet break up, you'll fell much better without having to google your emotions.

Yes see a psychiatrist so you get expert evaluation and treatment for what you can fix.

But... you'll have excise this cancer form your life if you want to get better.

[dangerous]

Focus on getting yourself heathy OP. 

We cannot be good at loving others if we do  not love ourselves first. 

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what has happened.  It could be that you were sensing him drifting away and that it triggered your insecurity.

Obviously, we don't know know whether the pill you were taking contributed to this or not, but I think if he was really committed, he would not have opted out.  He might have said something like suggesting you get help for depression but if he loved you and thought this was out of character, he should have supported you.

I would not advise you try and get him back because that will make him back off all the more.  Instead, accept that this is over, for whatever reason, and forge a better life for yourself.  You were not satisfied with the way things were or you would not have said the things you said to him.  While depression does colour one's mind, deep down you know if your boyfriend was supportive or not.  Obviously at that time, you did not feel he was.