How to handle waiting but not waiting for him?

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@poppyfields Also we're not always meant to romantically be with the people we connect with. Her connection included a romantic feeling, his connection didn't. 

Fair point, and I knew that too so take back my previous post. 

Edited June 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

If his emotional issues are so severe that he can't even work or see his own daughter for the whole summer, then his issues are much deeper than you realize, and he's nowhere near ready for a relationship anytime soon.

If this isn’t a HUGE red flag, I don’t know what is -

OP, it’s hard. Wondering “what if” is hard. 

But, the reality is - he is one man, someone you have known for as many months as you can count on one hand. Seriously, give it a few months and you will have a different perspective. You will remember him fondly as one chapter in your life. A short chapter. 

What did I do? I didn’t date for a while.  I got busy with life - I worked, I spent time with friends and family, I travelled, I actually bought a new house… sure, I wondered about him from time to time. But, it was in a “what if” kind of way…

So, my answer to you is to give yourself some time. Grieve this relationship. And then, get busy living. Time heals all wounds. 

[Daisydooks]

Im sorry but what the heck?!?! I didnt read the previous background but I dont think I need to  

I dont care what connection you have, ANY man who ditches his child for a summer or even suggests this, is a straight up loser. He isnt what you think he is. Ewww. Even if its not true and he just uttered those words? Yuck. If it is true, what an absolute train wreck of a man. 

Bullet dodged, Girlfriend! 

[Vitaminka]

A little off topic here but how convenient it must be for him to just walk away from his parenting duties for a few month. Just like that, take some time off from the parenthood. While he is "healing"  himself (whatever that means), he gets not to care whether or not his daughter is fed, clothed and/or she has a roof over her head. Guessing that means that a mother of his child is going to be doing some extra parenting duties. She doesn't get a luxury to walk away from her child for at her own convenience, does she? She is a responsible parent, while he is a carefree soul-searcher.  Who is to say that she is not hurting over the loss of her marriage? But she is not walking away from her child. How nice for him to just take all the time off the work that he needs and not give a damn about his child on top of that. Woo hoo, complete freedom! He sounds like a spoiled self-entitled brat to me.

Edited June 11, 2021 by Vitaminka

[Calmandfocused]

4 hours ago, Vitaminka said:

A little off topic here but how convenient it must be for him to just walk away from his parenting duties for a few month. Just like that, take some time off from the parenthood. While he is "healing"  himself (whatever that means), he gets not to care whether or not his daughter is fed, clothed and/or she has a roof over her head. Guessing that means that a mother of his child is going to be doing some extra parenting duties. She doesn't get a luxury to walk away from her child for at her own convenience, does she? She is a responsible parent, while he is a carefree soul-searcher.  Who is to say that she is not hurting over the loss of her marriage? But she is not walking away from her child. How nice for him to just take all the time off the work that he needs and not give a damn about his child on top of that. Woo hoo, complete freedom! He sounds like a spoiled self-entitled brat to me.

Bravo Vitaminka! Spot on! 
 

Personally i think he lied. I believe that he will see his daughter through the summer. I think he told the Op this nonsense as another excuse to extract himself from the relationship. 
 

However if is telling the truth, you are correct that this makes him a crappy father. It is not ok to bail out of being a parent as and when you feel like it. So what if he feels like crap? His responsibility as a parent is number 1 above anything else. 
 

 

[FMW]

The man I'm  involved with has serious issues to deal with including childhood physical and emotional abuse, a turbulent (his word) marriage with his late wife, being her sole caregiver and the focus of her related anger for 6 years as she slowly died from cancer, serious anxiety issues and ADHD.  He often feels overwhelmed.  He's working diligently on getting a grip on it all, including medication changes to manage the ADHD.

One thing he has not done is distance himself from me or his friends and family.  He has certainly never suggested that I date other men, or that he might want to see what else is out there.

@DatingMom I think you are doing yourself a serious disservice by keeping yourself on hold while he sorts himself out.  As has been pointed out, whether he's (1) not being honest and just keeping you as future option while he dates other women, or (2) is so damaged he really does need to disconnect from not only you but his daughter - he's not a viable option for you to be keeping the door open for.

I understand that special connection feeling, and being convinced this is meant to be.  I also very much believe that some people are meant to be in our lives, although sometimes for only a moment in time.  I think right now the signs are strongly pointing to this only being a moment in time, and one that has now passed.

[Weezy1973]

It sounds to me like you’re drawn to him because of his dysfunction. It’s a lot of drama. And you’re confusing emotional drama and dysfunction with connection.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry you are hurting, but still think you dodged a bullet.

What about all these other guys you were talking to until you became exclusive?

You can do that again when the dust settles.

It's great you ended it. It means your instincts are good.

Despite the srooms and all his other far out nonsense, you tried.

Give yourself some credit for both being open minded as well as knowing when to throw in the towel.

[smackie9]

He's pretty broken and you say he is ready for a relationship....he's far from it. You are blinded by your desire for him and ignoring a lot of dysfunction/mental baggage on his end. Once you have had time to let your emotions subside/settle down, you will be able think more clearly on this. Hey we have all done it. Letting our desires far exceed logical thinking. Isn't this why you are here? To get a more clearer/logical take on this?

I think it would be a good time to push this all aside and just enjoy your life, and whatever comes your way. Find fun things to do, reconnect with old friends, and maybe later step back into the dating...maybe during one of your outings with friends you just may meet someone nice.

Just a note: when people are struggling mentally, they will use dating/relationships as an escape from their pain. Almost like a rebound situation. They throw themselves into it, full on passion, attentive, having a whirlwind romance...but it's short lived, and it all comes crashing down like coming down from a high. You made a wise decision, no matter how difficult it was to walk away. That takes courage. I hope you find happiness, and have a wonderful summer

[Fletch Lives]

He's on the rebound. often, people on the rebound are incapable of having a serious relationship until they have healed. When he's better he may find a new girl, sorry.

 

How you move on is time - in time, this pain will go away.

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I'm glad you opted to cut him off and move forward rather than continue to enable his noncommittal behavior.

Sadly this is who he is, who he was, and who he will never be.

[DatingMom]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I really needed to hear everything that you said. I have also talked to numerous friends yesterday, and went on a walk with a male friend yesterday evening to get a male perspective on the whole thing.

His whole background story is kind of long to explain here. My friends have gotten the whole story. Bottom line is that he has a LOT of issues. I don't think that he was lying at any point about anything. I think he's just in a really low point in his life right now, and anything and everything overwhelms him. He has nothing to give. All my friends that I talked to yesterday thought that he is being incredibly optimistic in thinking that he will heal himself in the space of a few months: this will more likely take a year at least. 

I will be honest: I feel a lot of pain right now because although this was short-lived, I have enough experience with my relationships at my age to know that it is rare to find someone that I like this much. It only happened a very small handful of times before, and this is what is the hardest to accept: that I felt such a strong connection with someone, and that this relationship is not working out. I have fallen in love with people in the past that I knew were not compatible. So when things ended, I was kind of ok walking away and moving on because I knew it wasn't really meant to be. With this guy though I could see it all so clearly. I could see so clearly how this could have been really great. 

But bottom line is, like so many pointed out, that he obviously didn't feel quite the same about me. I believe him when he said that the issue is timing, that because of the timing he just wasn't able to let himself feel more deeply, to take this further. But I guess at the end of the day the reasons don't matter, only the fact remain and have consequences. 

I certainly had absolutely no intention of contacting him again. I even deleted his phone number and all the messages that we exchanged. I just felt somehow in my heart that I would want, not necessarily wait for him, but "hope" that he will figure things out and return to me. But from everything that you said and my friends said, the "hope" is what will prevent me from moving on, and I will just continue hurting myself by continuing to hope. 

I guess right now I just feel a lot of feelings. No regret though for having given this a shot as long as I did, because I am taking from this at least the feeling that my heart is still a pumping muscle that can be touched by someone else. I have had a few relationships since my separation, but nothing with this debt of feeling. So at least I know that I am still able to feel that. It's a nice discovery.

I feel sadness obviously, and a lot of anger at the world/faith or something for constantly dealing me such shitty cards after I have been, I think, a good person. I feel I deserve better. 

That being said, I understand I just need a bit of time to grieve. I need to give myself that space, and I have also arranged some camping weekends with friends, visits and outings to keep my mind of things. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

I have enough experience with my relationships at my age to know that it is rare to find someone that I like this much.

I thought the same when I was your age then I felt in love head over heals at 50 years old. 

Be kind to yourself. The first few days are really hard. Let it all out, don't hold it in. When my relationship ended I cried as often as I felt like it and it helped me move on. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, DatingMom said:

I will be honest: I feel a lot of pain right now because although this was short-lived, I have enough experience with my relationships at my age to know that it is rare to find someone that I like this much. It only happened a very small handful of times before, and this is what is the hardest to accept: that I felt such a strong connection with someone, and that this relationship is not working out. I have fallen in love with people in the past that I knew were not compatible. So when things ended, I was kind of ok walking away and moving on because I knew it wasn't really meant to be. With this guy though I could see it all so clearly. I could see so clearly how this could have been really great. 

I hear you, because I felt the same when I was in a similar position. But, I do believe that it has to be the right person at the right time for a relationship to be happy and successful. You may have had the right person, but it was not the right time.

You also have to remember that you are still in the honeymoon phase - everyone looks wonderful at this stage of the relationship. Whether that would have truly come to pass remains to be seen. That said, it’s the “what if’s” that hurt - I know. 

At the end of the day, it is better to be single than in a relationship with an unhealthy partner. That’s just the absolute bottom line. The rest, is just magical thinking…

If it’s meant to be, he will come back to you when he is in a better place. Until then, grieve this and then get busy living. 

Edited June 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[SumGuy]

On 6/10/2021 at 2:03 PM, DatingMom said:

....How do you reconcile all this? How do you move on while keeping the door slightly open? I've never been in this type of situation before. It's really hard to deal with emotionally. 

It seems like you two do have a connection that is not easy to find so what exactly is it about the current situation that you are not OK with?   What is it specifically you are looking for that he is not ready for?

To me it sounds like you two could be on the same page regarding sexual exclusivity, but that there is "something more" that is desired.

I'd think on if this "something more" is anything more than a mindset and words.   Just because he can't promise "commitment" long term, is he in for now, treat you right, not seeing anyone else etc.  Could it simply be he cannot promise you the emotional energy and support he (and you) feel is needed for a long term relationship?  If so, are you OK with him not being there as often as you like when he has his own things to deal with?

There is nothing to say people interested in long term relationships have to be all in early, especially when there is situational aspects that preclude it.   Why not take it for what it is if it is exclusive, i.e.  he's not seeking anyone else,  and see if it can grow into what you  both want?   Enjoy it for what it can be at the moment, after all you can't hurry love.

In my view I would not let a situation, especially one he is working on resolving, stand in the way or delay things with someone or something that was hard to find.

That s, the right person is the hardest to find, the right time is something you can work on and it doesn't need to be 100% the right time.  It can be 50% the right time with the right person, just adjust expectations to the time you have.

Edited June 11, 2021 by SumGuy

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, DatingMom said:

I will be honest: I feel a lot of pain right now because although this was short-lived, I have enough experience with my relationships at my age to know that it is rare to find someone that I like this much. It only happened a very small handful of times before, and this is what is the hardest to accept: that I felt such a strong connection with someone, and that this relationship is not working out. I have fallen in love with people in the past that I knew were not compatible. So when things ended, I was kind of ok walking away and moving on because I knew it wasn't really meant to be.

With this guy though I could see it all so clearly. I could see so clearly how this could have been really great.  

Hi Dating Mom.  I hope this doesn't sound insensitive but the bolded - how was this so clear to you?  How could it have been, it was only a couple of months and the relationship was fraught with inconsistencies, mixed messages, etc from the beginning.  Hardly the potential for being "great" from anyone's standards.  

I think it's important to not allow yourself to fall victim to the Disney fantasy of meeting your 'knight in shining armor' and having it all "work out," based on this fantasy.  Based on everything you posted in your previous thread, this man was/is no "knight," no "hero," he had deep issues and had several defense mechanisms in place to keep you from getting too close.  Which you chose to disregard.

I understand you're sad now, and that's to be expected, but perhaps a change in your mind frame might serve you better here.  That being, he was the "right" person" - for right now.  He served a purpose, as I am sure you did for him as well.  

Yes it was short-lived as many relationships are; most relationships don't go the full distance (till death do us part) but that doesn't mean they were any less valuable.

Instead of feeling hurt and sad, try shifting the mindset to it was a great experience, you learned from it and treasure the memory of it!  That's what I have learned to do anyway, it serves me much better, keeps me from feeling bitter and jaded. 

Simply cherish the memory, and see it as an opportunity for growth and healing and another stepping stone on your journey to peace and enlightenment and finding the man who is "right" for you, more right than this man was anyway.

Whether it goes the full distance or not.

Not sure why you deleted all his messages, that seems like an overly-emotional reaction, one which you may regret.

What I do is move them to a separate file for safe-keeping to refer to later if I am ever feeling nostalgic. That said, if deleting helps you move on quicker, then that's fine too.

Anyway, again I hope this didn't sound too insensitive, just wanted to share what I have learned on my personal journey, hoping somehow it might help you cope better with all this.

 

 

Edited June 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[HiCrunchy]

On 6/10/2021 at 2:39 PM, DatingMom said:

2) We said "I love you" not "in love". Isn't that kind of the same? I'm confused. 

 

Ever heard the phrase of "I love you but I"m not in love with you"?

Its a little different I'd say

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I hope this doesn't sound insensitive but the bolded - how was this so clear to you?  How could it have been, it was only a couple of months and the relationship was fraught with inconsistencies, mixed messages, etc from the beginning.  Hardly the potential for being "great" from anyone's standards.  

I think it's important to not allow yourself to fall victim to the Disney fantasy of meeting your 'knight in shining armor' and having it all "work out," based on this fantasy.  Based on everything you posted in your previous thread, this man was/is no "knight," no "hero," he had deep issues and had several defense mechanisms in place to keep you from getting too close.  Which you chose to disregard.

Yes it was short-lived as many relationships are; most relationships don't go the full distance (till death do us part) but that doesn't mean they were any less valuable.

This is well said Poppy. It was much better said that what I tried to say above when I spoke of the honeymoon phase of the relationship. While I do believe that we may “know” when we meet someone special, I just don’t believe that one could say this was “the one” after such a short period of time and with so much drama and mixed messages. I’m leery of any person who gets this emotionally involved in a relationship because there has simply not been enough time or experience to support it. 

[DatingMom]

18 hours ago, SumGuy said:

It seems like you two do have a connection that is not easy to find so what exactly is it about the current situation that you are not OK with?   What is it specifically you are looking for that he is not ready for?

To me it sounds like you two could be on the same page regarding sexual exclusivity, but that there is "something more" that is desired.

I'd think on if this "something more" is anything more than a mindset and words.   Just because he can't promise "commitment" long term, is he in for now, treat you right, not seeing anyone else etc.  Could it simply be he cannot promise you the emotional energy and support he (and you) feel is needed for a long term relationship?  If so, are you OK with him not being there as often as you like when he has his own things to deal with?

There is nothing to say people interested in long term relationships have to be all in early, especially when there is situational aspects that preclude it.   Why not take it for what it is if it is exclusive, i.e.  he's not seeking anyone else,  and see if it can grow into what you  both want?   Enjoy it for what it can be at the moment, after all you can't hurry love.

In my view I would not let a situation, especially one he is working on resolving, stand in the way or delay things with someone or something that was hard to find.

That s, the right person is the hardest to find, the right time is something you can work on and it doesn't need to be 100% the right time.  It can be 50% the right time with the right person, just adjust expectations to the time you have.

 

I agree partly with this, and that is exactly why I stayed as long as I did. But there is one thing that kept coming up: he kept telling me something along the lines of "you're such an incredibly amazing person. I can't believe I met you. But you are so amazing, why are you wasting your time with me? I feel that perhaps you should try to find someone better, someone that can truly make you happy because I don't feel that I can". He was right that part of me was unhappy because he wasn't always there when I needed him. But I think in some ways what bothered me most about this was how he was pushing me away by saying things like that. It was really hurtful. We discussed this and he said that he just loved me so much that he wanted me to be happy even if it wasn't with him. And that the thought of being with me and knowing he wasn't giving me what I wanted and deserved, that he wasn't making me truly happy was gnawing at him daily. He is someone that is very successful and a perfectionist. I realized that he was never going to accept to be in a relationship and have that relationship be imperfect while he was dealing with things. It's just not his personality. The fact that he couldn't give me everything that he wanted to give was making him unhappy, and I got a sense that it was actually in some ways preventing him from getting better. It was causing him pain, and at the same time causing me pain too. It was just not possible to continue that way. 

[DatingMom]

17 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Hi Dating Mom.  I hope this doesn't sound insensitive but the bolded - how was this so clear to you?  How could it have been, it was only a couple of months and the relationship was fraught with inconsistencies, mixed messages, etc from the beginning.  Hardly the potential for being "great" from anyone's standards.  

I think it's important to not allow yourself to fall victim to the Disney fantasy of meeting your 'knight in shining armor' and having it all "work out," based on this fantasy.  Based on everything you posted in your previous thread, this man was/is no "knight," no "hero," he had deep issues and had several defense mechanisms in place to keep you from getting too close.  Which you chose to disregard.

I understand you're sad now, and that's to be expected, but perhaps a change in your mind frame might serve you better here.  That being, he was the "right" person" - for right now.  He served a purpose, as I am sure you did for him as well.  

Yes it was short-lived as many relationships are; most relationships don't go the full distance (till death do us part) but that doesn't mean they were any less valuable.

Instead of feeling hurt and sad, try shifting the mindset to it was a great experience, you learned from it and treasure the memory of it!  That's what I have learned to do anyway, it serves me much better, keeps me from feeling bitter and jaded. 

Simply cherish the memory, and see it as an opportunity for growth and healing and another stepping stone on your journey to peace and enlightenment and finding the man who is "right" for you, more right than this man was anyway.

Whether it goes the full distance or not.

Not sure why you deleted all his messages, that seems like an overly-emotional reaction, one which you may regret.

What I do is move them to a separate file for safe-keeping to refer to later if I am ever feeling nostalgic. That said, if deleting helps you move on quicker, then that's fine too.

Anyway, again I hope this didn't sound too insensitive, just wanted to share what I have learned on my personal journey, hoping somehow it might help you cope better with all this.

 

 

Thanks for this comment. And @BaileyB for completing. 

You are right about the mixed messages! I think he didn't mean to give me mixed messages, he was just really confused himself. On our first date I asked him what he was looking for and he said: a long-term relationship and hopefully to move in with someone again. But as we started dating and getting closer and closer, he realized that although that's what he wanted long term, he wasn't ready for it now. He brought this up many times as he felt a lot of guilt that he "lied" to me. 

That being said, I realize that there is no such thing as "the one". Dating is a bit like searching for gold: you go through A LOT of sand before finding one nugget. If you go on 2-3 dates per week, you might be lucky enough to find one nugget every two years if you're lucky. That's a lot of effort! He was definitely a nugget. There are other nuggets but I really like this nugget right now, but I also know there will be others. 

As for deleting the messages, for me I need to do that in order to move on. I know some people help healing by revisiting memories. For me, every memory I revisit undoes 2-3 days of healing. And even sometimes 6 months later or a year later, bumping into someone I dated and had strong feelings for can screw with my mind for days! 

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, DatingMom said:

he kept telling me something along the lines of "you're such an incredibly amazing person. I can't believe I met you. But you are so amazing, why are you wasting your time with me? I feel that perhaps you should try to find someone better, someone that can truly make you happy because I don't feel that I can". 

No one who truly wants to be with you would say this.  As mixed-messaging as this is, it is ultimately a rejection.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

No one who truly wants to be with you would say this.  As mixed-messaging as this is, it is ultimately a rejection.

That is the classic line to move on from someone.  In my single days I've even used it.

[DatingMom]

@ShyViolet and @stillafool are you saying that you think that he just wasn't really that into me? That's why he didn't want a relationship? Was he lying? I would say that that would probably hurt even more, although on the bright side would definitely stop me from "hoping".

[ShyViolet]

5 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

@ShyViolet and @stillafool are you saying that you think that he just wasn't really that into me? That's why he didn't want a relationship? Was he lying? I would say that that would probably hurt even more, although on the bright side would definitely stop me from "hoping".

I'm not saying he was lying about everything.  I believe you when you say that you felt a connection with him and that there were feelings there.  But no one who truly wants to be with you would ever tell you "you should find someone better, I don't feel that I can make you happy."  Whether he said it because he is truly having too many emotional problems in his life, or whether he wasn't being honest with you about his feelings, it really doesn't matter.  The minute someone tells you "I'm not ready for a relationship with you", that is your cue to pick up your dignity and walk away, not wait around hoping that they will change.

[Weezy1973]

16 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

@ShyViolet and @stillafool are you saying that you think that he just wasn't really that into me? That's why he didn't want a relationship? Was he lying? I would say that that would probably hurt even more, although on the bright side would definitely stop me from "hoping".

Probably not lying. When I was dating there were a number of women that I dated and were “into” even though I knew deep down they weren’t long term compatible. I wasn’t using them for sex or anything. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with them, but when they did become more attached I would distance myself or end it altogether. 
 

I just suspect he might be like that. The major connection you feel isn’t the same for him. Even though you think he’s a “nugget”, you’re not one for him. Basically when he’s saying you’re amazing why are you wasting time with him is him saying he doesn’t feel you’re compatible long term with him.