How to handle waiting but not waiting for him?

[DatingMom]

I'm starting a new thread following my "What is normal communication between dates in early stages of dating?" because I feel like a total mess right now, and don't know what to do next. I've talked to a couple of friends today, but all my friends haven't dated in years, so I'm not sure how good their advice is.

Brief summary of my story: I've been divorced a few years now, and have been dating since, mostly online. I've been pretty successful meeting men as I do realize that I am a person that people can easily connect with, that men find interesting and I'm also kind of pretty (not to sound conceited!). I've been dating this guy for the past 3 months. It was a slow start, and in the beginning I was still considering other possibilities as I had multiple interests. But then he really grew on me and I kind of fell for him. At about 2 months, I had a conversation with him about the status of our relationship, and he told me that he was dealing with a lot of things at the moment. His separation was really difficult after a very difficult marriage, and had really taken a toll on him. He started doing various types of therapy: in person therapy and also psychedelic therapy in an attempt to heal from that relationship and also deal with some childhood trauma that resurfaced after the separation. For all those reasons, he didn't feel that he was ready, that he was emotionally healthy enough to start a long-term committed relationship (even if that was his goal). Since I really liked him, I was ok giving him some time and we continued seeing each other. The past month, we saw each other really regularly and talked on the phone daily. We grew a very deep connection despite not having been together that long. In some ways, I was able to connect with him more in the space of 3 months than I was able to connect with my ex husband over an 18-year period. I have met A LOT of men in the past years, and he touched my heart in a very special way and I feel that we are extremely compatible. 

Last night we revisited the relationship conversation and since he was still not ready, and that this was starting to cause me pain, we agreed to part ways. We discussed our feelings, and both agreed that we love each other, and that we both wanted a relationship with each other, but that the timing wasn't right. He said that he really wanted to be the partner that I deserved to have, but that he felt kind of broken right now and needed some time to heal. He said he needed to take the summer to heal himself and asked if he could contact me again in the fall if/when he felt better and ready to fully commit. I agreed but said that I didn't want to be in touch and couldn't promise I wouldn't move on. He understood although he was really shaken about it. I feel confident given everything that we said last night that the day he is ready to have another relationship, he would want that relationship to be with me, and he will get in touch.

I accept that all this is for the best, and that it was the healthiest way to deal with the situation. I'm at peace with that. Timing was off. But now I am a bit lost about how to proceed next. I really don't want to be waiting for him all summer, but the idea of going back into dating is overwhelming. I feel like my heart won't be in it. Over the past years, I've been numerous times in situations where I was seeing someone and it came to an end. Every time, I felt that it was because the relationship wasn't going to work out, so although it hurt a bit at first, it was somewhat easy to mourn and then move on. But this is different. I feel that he is the right person for me, and I have hope that things might work out in the long term. As I said, I don't want to be waiting for him, but I know that in some ways I will be waiting. I feel pretty confident that in a few months he'll be reaching out, and despite having ended things, I still feel that there is actually a good chance that we will end up together in the long run.

How do you reconcile all this? How do you move on while keeping the door slightly open? I've never been in this type of situation before. It's really hard to deal with emotionally. 

[BC1980]

Maybe take a few months off of dating to process what happened. You need to move forward with the expectation that it won't work out with him. Otherwise, you won't move on. He's in the past now. 

FWIW, I don't buy the "timing is off" excuse. That is a common excuse. If someone wants to be with you, they won't let you go. They will never chance you finding someone else. 
 

Is his divorce final?

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, BC1980 said:

FWIW, I don't buy the "timing is off" excuse. That is a common excuse. 

I agree.  If you both agreed you love each other (did you say "love" or "in love" with each other) there would be no reason to wait for a relationship.  You did the right thing by not seeing him until he comes to you ready to make a commitment.  When you feel up to it you should start dating as if he isn't coming back.  People who are newly divorced want to see what else is out there before they hurry to settle down with someone else.

[DatingMom]

Thanks for the feedback.

1) He is separated since almost two years, and in the process of finalizing his divorce. Their marriage, however, was dead for years before that. They were sleeping in separate rooms for the last 8 years of their marriage, and at some point had an open relationship (because they agreed to stay together for their daughter) which turned really badly. In any case, I believe him when he says that he has no more feelings for his ex wife. That being said, the divorce has been pretty nasty, and there has been a lot of disagreement over money and custody. 

2) We said "I love you" not "in love". Isn't that kind of the same? I'm confused. 

3) I have given the "if it were right for him he wouldn't let me go" part quite some thought. I theoretically agree with this, and feel that it's probably true in most situations. In this case, I really feel that he just really can't cope right now. He told me yesterday that he decided to take the summer off work and not see his daughter or anyone else for that time period to focus on his healing. So if he's not even going to see his own daughter (he's very very close to his daughter), I don't think that he's bluffing the "I'm not ready for a relationship part". From what he's told me (and I have no reason not to believe him), he feels very overwhelmed right now by the thought that he is responsible for other people's happiness and well-being because he feels that he has nothing to give because he doesn't even have enough for himself. I think he's kind of in a state of depression, and having been there myself and having seen others go through that also, I know that feeling of "I have nothing to give". 

[Gaeta]

41 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

How do you reconcile all this? How do you move on while keeping the door slightly open? I've never been in this type of situation before. It's really hard to deal with emotionally. 

And because it is really  hard to handle emotionally ...you do not leave a door open.

It's normal you feel the way you feel, the breakup has just happened. When my relationship ended I didn't want to let go either but came a point where I had no choice, it was that or live miserably waiting for a man that had chosen to not being with me. 

I know you don't want to heart or beleive it, but this man of yours is not coming back at 99%. 

If he does come back than you need to handle this like a brand new relationship therefore the need for you to let go, move on, and be healed. 

And between you and I (and the rest of LS) a man with his level of DEEP emotional scars does not get better in 3 months. 

The best thing you can do now is to plan an amazing summer with your kids, family & friends. Go out of town, have road trips, go to festivals, drive-in theaters, take up a dancing/swimming lessons, you get what I mean! You got over a divorce, you can get over a 3 month situationship. 

[Calmandfocused]

100% agree with Gaeta. 
 

You should never agree to wait for anyone. If someone doesn’t want to be with you, you accept that and shut that door firmly. He needs to knock loudly to be let back in. He should not be able to waltz back in as and when he feels like it. All that does is set a dodgy dynamic that he can do what he likes and can treat you anyway he wants to. And you will simply accept it….

No! 
 

Put your feelings for him aside for a moment and understand that you have walked over your own boundaries which is never good… your own health and well-being is equally as important as his. Never sacrifice your own needs for a man you barely know. 
 

I also agree with Gaeta that’s it’s questionable that he will return. I have my doubts. I think theres a 90% chance that he won’t. In which case you’ve “waited” for nothing. 
 

Btw he doesn’t love you. The reason I know that is because he is incapable at the moment. His emotions are all over the place. He doesn’t know his a**e from his elbow so how can he love you? 
 

You’d be doing yourself a favour if you just accepted this is over. You’re torturing yourself with “hope”. All hope will do is prolong your agony. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You don't reconcile anything. Move on. Completely ... and you block out any hope or intention of him coming back. You have to realize: there is absolutely no guarantee he will feel fixed and strong in three months. No guarantee at all. And there's a red flag here that's been there all along: his hesitancy to get clear about the relationship and his hesitancy about naming the status of your relationship. That's a major red flag. 

Not just that he isn't ready now--the red flag is that he got so involved with you without telling you on day one that "I'm not ready for a committed relationship." You really have to be brutal here--it's best for everyone. The only question you want to ask is: are you ready and able to date like I want to date-? Yes or no? There is no in between. 

I used to be like this guy and trust me, if he's at all like me, he has deeper problems than this difficult marriage. For one, why did you stay in a bad marriage for so long? Why did he pick such a bad partner in the first place? And why didn't he take care of himself?

Do NOT wait for anything. No way! 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, DatingMom said:

2) We said "I love you" not "in love". Isn't that kind of the same? I'm confused. 

Yes,  I "love" my family and friends.  I'm "In love" with my husband.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, DatingMom said:

He told me yesterday that he decided to take the summer off work and not see his daughter or anyone else for that time period to focus on his healing.

Really?  I don't know that I could be with a man who is so fragile that he has to quit work and not see his child or anyone for this long of a period.  We're all dealing or have dealt with past drama, trauma and everything else but we have to carry on especially when we have kids depending on us.  Did he explain what was so dramatic in his life that he has to cut everyone off?  Is he in therapy?

[poppyfields]

32 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You have to realize: there is absolutely no guarantee he will feel fixed and strong in three months.

I'm confused about what he needs to be "fixed" or "healed" from in order for him to "commit" to you the way you need him to?  Sorry, I am just not buying that.

Apparently he was well enough to develop what you considered to be a close, intimate relationship that entailed (from what I read on your previous thread) you serving as his personal 'emotional garbage can' to dump all his issues into and becoming the "listening ear," his "support," and relinquishing your own needs in the process.

You seemed quite comfortable with this dynamic, clearly it served some purpose for you.  And him as well, obviously.

So what is this "more" you need from him and what exactly is preventing him from giving that to you?  

Other than he simply does not want to, and it's doubtful that will ever change.  No matter how much time passes.  Sorry not gonna happen, relationships (life!) do not work that way.

I am also confused by this notion of "waiting" for him.  What does that mean?  Putting your life on hold waiting for something miraculous to happen like he wakes up one morning and realizes you are the person he wants to spend his life with?

DatingMom, that is a Disney fairly tale.  That is not going to happen.

I would advise you to not wait for this man or any man, now or going forward.

I would also advise to stay off the dating apps and sites.   Develop new hobbies, expand your social circle, circulate in groups/meet ups with like-minded individuals and develop friendships the natural way and see what develops.

Live your life to the fullest.  Love yourself first and foremost.

No man will ever love you unless you love yourself first, which in this case means, putting HIS needs aside and focusing on your OWN.  Detaching and distancing yourself. 

HE knows this too, and in a way, I think it may be why, or one reason, why he was/is reluctant to commit to you.

My late mom told me once "we were not placed on this earth to be martyrs."  I have never forgotten that.

Love yourself first.  Take care of YOU.

 

 

 

Edited June 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[ShyViolet]

You don't ever "wait" for someone.  That is BS.  You should proceed with the understanding that it did not work out between you and him.  Move forward and don't harbor any expectations that he will come back.  Just live your life.  If he comes back and actually resolves his issues, then it will be a pleasant surprise, but to be honest I am skeptical that this will happen.

Just because you're not "waiting" for him, that doesn't mean you have to throw yourself out there and start dating like crazy.  If you don't feel ready to date, then don't.  The decision on whether you feel ready to date is a totally separate issue than whether you sit around "waiting" for this guy.  You can just be single, live your life and focus on yourself this summer.

 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Really?  I don't know that I could be with a man who is so fragile that he has to quit work and not see his child or anyone for this long of a period.  We're all dealing or have dealt with past drama, trauma and everything else but we have to carry on especially when we have kids depending on us. 

Absolutely!

And it just dawn on me, didn't he say to OP that he wanted them to be free to date other people, suggested she dated other men and HE could date other women  LIKE a woman from work........I think I have an idea on how he'll be spending his next 3 months.

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, DatingMom said:

He told me yesterday that he decided to take the summer off work and not see his daughter or anyone else for that time period to focus on his healing. So if he's not even going to see his own daughter (he's very very close to his daughter),

If his emotional issues are so severe that he can't even work or see his own daughter for the whole summer, then his issues are much deeper than you realize, and he's nowhere near ready for a relationship anytime soon.  I wouldn't waste any amount of time investing emotional energy and "waiting" for a relationship to come of this.

[Lotsgoingon]

OMG, taking off time with seeing his daughter. SCREAMING red flag. Huge red flag. This guy shows every sign of being overwhelmed by life.

Leave him alone. You're likely overlooking all kinds of signs that this guy is unavailable and unreliable. Turn on your critical mind, to allow yourself to notice that which you really don't want to notice. Quit giving him the benefit of the doubt.

He takes a break from daughter. OMG, taking a break from any relationship will be much easier for him. No way should you rely on him.

Run ... fast ... and take off those blinders you're wearing. 

 

[Gaeta]

I got a gut feelling he was lying about taking time off from daughter. I think he just said that to Datingmom to support his theory why he needs time away from her. 

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OMG, taking off time with seeing his daughter. SCREAMING red flag. Huge red flag. This guy shows every sign of being overwhelmed by life.

Or completely full of sh*t and using his "issues" as an excuse to justify not committing.

That's my take anyway, it's not uncommon.

 

Edited June 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[cleverusername]

"I'm not ready for a relationship" = "I'm not looking for a relationship with you"

Don't wait, if he valued you he would put in the effort not walk away. You deserve to be someone's grand prize, not a consolation prize

[stillafool]

I'm sorry OP but this is sounding more and more like some bull.  These excuses don't really make sense.

8 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If his emotional issues are so severe that he can't even work or see his own daughter for the whole summer, then his issues are much deeper than you realize, and he's nowhere near ready for a relationship anytime soon.

Were his emotional issues and depression affecting him so much that he wasn't able to perform sex?

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, DatingMom said:

I had a huge fight with my ex. And that kind of made me realize that I wanted/needed someone in my life that was a "partner" that I could rely on to discuss my problems with.

Sorry this is happening. It all boils back down to this. Stress with the ex. It makes this void feel even worse. 

However, it may not feel like it now, but you dodged a bullet.

In 12 weeks there may have been a good connect and you'll miss that, but in the long run, he is sort of vacant.

[poppyfields]

@DatingMom I realize many people (women) have issues with feeling anger, I used to as well.   But I think that would be the correct emotion right now.

That does not mean lashing out at him, or communicating with him at all, in fact don’t.

The anger you feel should be directed at yourself for allowing yourself to get drawn into this madness for as long as you did.

As many folks posted on your previous thread, this man was manipulating you big time, pulling you into his dysfunction, and you would have been best served walking away months ago.

You should be angry at yourself for not recognizing that that would have been what’s best for YOU. Preventing what is happening now.

After you get past the anger, there is acceptance and then healing.

He is a grown man, IF he has issues, he can work them out himself and/or with the help of a qualified professional.

This experience has the potential of being a great learning experience for you, IF you allow it to be.

Something to learn and grow from, become stronger, smarter, allowing you to make better choices next time.

All that said, I am sorry you're hurting right now and all the best moving forward.  xo

Edited June 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[Sun Seeker]

After your previous thread, are you seriously still believing all of his excuses? As that's all they are, even though you don't want to think it.

You might feel he is the right man for you, but he does not feel you are the right woman for him. It's not that he doesn't want a relationship, it's that he doesn't want a relationship with YOU.

As per everyone in your previous thread, you are completely wasting your time with him.

Do not wait for him, do not talk to him, move on and meet other people.

And the whole 'we have such a special connection' is really not as special as you think. You can have this 'amazing connection' with a lot of other men, he's not a unicorn, if not a better one, and with men that actually feel the same about you as you do about them. This one does not.

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

And the whole 'we have such a special connection' 

Imagine how that connection would be with a man that actually wants to be with you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

45 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I got a gut feelling he was lying about taking time off from daughter. I think he just said that to Datingmom to support his theory why he needs time away from her. 

I was about to say the same thing. 

OP, it's time to move on. He doesn't want what you want from this and doesn't have the heart to be totally honest about it. 

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Imagine how that connection would be with a man that actually wants to be with you. 

I am actually questioning this "connection" DM claimed they had, as connection as defined is between two people or things.  One person cannot feel a connection and the other does not, not possible.

She felt something, I will grant her that.  Strong emotions, perhaps even love.

But had HE felt the same "connection," what is happening now would NOT be happening.

 

 

Edited June 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

@poppyfields Also we're not always meant to romantically be with the people we connect with. Her connection included a romantic feeling, his connection didn't.