3 was supposed to be the charm! and was. almost)

[Dull Hargraves]

I know I make some long posts.  In a way typing all this out is sort of therapeutic for me and helps me sort out my thoughts.  If it makes for good discussion- even better.  

I still just don’t get it.  I’ve also chronicled my activity in a thread called ‘I previously met her best friend’.  So I had 3 dates last week.  I think I said In that thread that I don’t have trouble getting dates.  My avatar- that’s the cartoon version of me. So I’m not ugly, to say the least.  Never have been.  The first date- nice girl, we had drinks, got tipsy, laughed, had a good time.  She’s just not what I’m looking for, in a few ways.  The 2nd date- that ones in the other thread-not good.  The 3rd date- this one was much better than expected- till now.   I had matched with this girl online. We chatted briefly.  I asked her to meet.  She didn’t answer and then she disappeared.  Happens all the time. 2 weeks later I get this “sure! sorry for the late reply.  I was out of town......”. She was legit out of town I learned- she showed me photos of her trip.  So she gives me her phone number.  We plan to go out the next weekend.  Day of, she says she’s sick.  So I sort of forget about it.  

After my disaster of a 2nd date last week I think ‘what the hell’ and I text her asking if she still wants to meet up.  She suggested Saturday.  Always a good sign when a girl suggests a time.  So we have dinner. This girl is 10 years younger and looks like she could be 20 years younger.  Gorgeous- you couldn’t hope for more as far as looks go.  She was a total sweet heart, great sense of humor.  She’s also very intelligent and has a good career.  So I was psyched to say the least.  From the initial impression, this is exactly what I’m looking for- that doesn’t happen very often.  

We’re having dinner, the conversation flows effortlessly.  I make her laugh for 2 hours and the restaurant is closing.  We leave and I ask her if she wants to go to a bar down the street.  She says yes but she wants to drive herself.  Totally understandable, she just met me.  We get to the parking lot of the other bar(and this is really the only semi-negative, really no big deal).  I give her my arm.  She takes it for a few seconds and then let’s go. Whatever.  So we drink and talk for another hour or so.  I walk her to her car.  I ask her to go to a show the following weekend- this coming weekend.  She says she’d like to and she needs to check her schedule. She’s in a field where her schedule can be weird so totally legit, I think.  I tell her that I do have to get tickets because this show has a likelihood of selling out, so let me know. She says she will, we hug, no kiss and she’s on her way I text her to text me when she gets home.

So that’s Saturday.  She doesn’t answer till Monday.  It’s just your standard ‘I got home ok, how was your Sunday etc.  I reiterate about the time an Saturday.  So Wednesday rolls around- nothing.  I text- “you think you can make it Saturday?”Currently it’s Thursday, still no answer.  I’ve decided I’m not texting again.  If I hear nothing, then oh well, that’s it. I’ve learned that in today’s dating environment, no answer, in itself is an answer.  Sad but true.

What I don’t get is that I did everything perfectly.  We had an effortless conversation.  I made her laugh for 3 hours.  I’ve had dates where later I thought ‘yes I screwed that one up’ or where the conversation dragged but this one could not have gone any better.  Maybe it would have been better  if we had made out in the parking lot, but of course I didn’t expect that. The thing is, this has happened more than once.  Everything goes great and then.....nothing.  With this girl the only thing I can think of is that she was a bit standoffish physically- the arm thing, she didn’t sit very close at the bar.  She didn’t sit far away but... I don’t know, it was a first date so that seems normal.  So again, I don’t get it. The other thing is I’m sure this girl has many options.  However, she said she hadn’t been dating much lately, but who knows?  I do have some theories that I’m going to put in another thread.  I think it merits a whole other discussion.   These have to do with patterns I’ve noticed in a few of my failures,lol.  

Edited June 10, 2021 by Dull Hargraves

[Datergirl]

She's dating other guys, wants to keep her options open and isn't that fussed on you it seems. 

From your perspective everything was perfect but maybe not hers. Happens all the time. 

[Wiseman2]

In the beginning, people are talking to and meeting a lot of others. Try not to overinvest.

[ShyViolet]

You're acting like a successful date has a mathematical formula.  Everything went well on paper, so she HAD to be interested in you.  

Did it ever occur to you that she just wasn't that attracted to you?  She just didn't feel a spark?  Just because you consider yourself attractive by general standards, that does not mean that everyone is automatically going to be into you.  She was probably trying to get through the date with as little awkwardness as possible, so she was being friendly.  The fact that she was kind of dodging it when you suggested the second date at the concert, that sounds very much like she knew she wasn't interested in a second date.  A date doesn't have to be a disaster or outwardly bad for the person not to be interested.

[BC1980]

You're putting way too much stock into a first date. With a first date, I would go in with no expectations. These days, I'm thinking a first date should be more of a coffee date. If it doesn't progress, I think there is less disappointment that way.

[dramafreezone]

I can't see any huge mistakes.  I just think she's not feeling it that much right now.  She gave you a Saturday which is a prime time dating spot, so that was a great sign.

I don't like that you asked her to hold your arm, or that you asked her on a date while you're on your current date.  Just seems too needy.  If she's seeing other people she isn't going to commit that far out unless she REALLY likes you.   I don't think these are fatal mistakes, but it's obvious that you are way more into her then she is into you.  One person is always going to be chasing the other's validation in the beginning so no big deal, but you increase that disparity with those actions.

Nothing more you can do but go about your life and if she contacts you, great.  Agree that she's seeing other people and at least one other guy has moved in front of you as far as priority.  I guess just hope he messes up.

Edited June 10, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Dull Hargraves]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You're acting like a successful date has a mathematical formula.  Everything went well on paper, so she HAD to be interested in you.  

Did it ever occur to you that she just wasn't that attracted to you?  She just didn't feel a spark?  Just because you consider yourself attractive by general standards, that does not mean that everyone is automatically going to be into you.  She was probably trying to get through the date with as little awkwardness as possible, so she was being friendly.  The fact that she was kind of dodging it when you suggested the second date at the concert, that sounds very much like she knew she wasn't interested in a second date.  A date doesn't have to be a disaster or outwardly bad for the person not to be interested.

I don’t look at it as a formula.  What I’m saying is the date went really well, and she was having a great time.  You can’t fake that. How much better can it go than laughing for 3 hours?   Anytime I’ve had a date go that well a second date was a given. You could be right but  if there was no attraction, I think she would have declined going to the bar after dinner.  I mean that would have been the perfect out.  I asked her to dinner.  I hadn’t mentioned and she hadn’t committed to do anything  after that.  I had that in mind beforehand but as far as she’s concerned it was spur of the moment. I’ve aways thought and I think it’s pretty much general knowledge that the chance of a second date is based on how well the 1st one date went. Apparently in this case it wasn’t.  
 

 

[Dull Hargraves]

2 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

I can't see any huge mistakes.  I just think she's not feeling it that much right now.  She gave you a Saturday which is a prime time dating spot, so that was a great sign.

I don't like that you asked her to hold your arm, or that you asked her on a date while you're on your current date.  Just seems too needy.  If she's seeing other people she isn't going to commit that far out unless she REALLY likes you.   I don't think these are fatal mistakes, but it's obvious that you are way more into her then she is into you.  One person is always going to be chasing the other's validation in the beginning so no big deal, but you increase that disparity with those actions.

Nothing more you can do but go about your life and if she contacts you, great.  Agree that she's seeing other people and at least one other guy has moved in front of you as far as priority.  I guess just hope he messes up.

The arm thing is pretty common- sort of a gentlemanly thing to do like opening her car door etc.  Most women I’ve done that with have appreciated  it and some have been really impressed because other guys don’t do that.  I offered her my elbow to walk from the parking lot to the bar.  I don’t think it offended her, she just didn’t hold on for long. .  You’re probably right about asking her out again at the end of the date.  I usually wouldn’t have except that things were going so well.... or so I thought.  

[glows]

Perhaps she wasn't interested in the show you had tickets for. It's hard to say. Either way the communication is spotty with this one. Are you certain she's a catch? I think you're caught up with the fun of meeting with someone and socializing. 

Take it for what it is. You didn't do anything wrong. Just pick yourself up and move on from this one. If she comes back at you a month later and says "Oh sorry for the delay getting back to you -" just delete and block her number. You don't need this. Find someone who responds better and enjoys your company just as much.

 

[Dull Hargraves]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You're acting like a successful date has a mathematical formula.  Everything went well on paper, so she HAD to be interested in you.  

Did it ever occur to you that she just wasn't that attracted to you?  She just didn't feel a spark?  Just because you consider yourself attractive by general standards, that does not mean that everyone is automatically going to be into you.  She was probably trying to get through the date with as little awkwardness as possible, so she was being friendly.  The fact that she was kind of dodging it when you suggested the second date at the concert, that sounds very much like she knew she wasn't interested in a second date.  A date doesn't have to be a disaster or outwardly bad for the person not to be interested.

 It very well could be that she wasn’t attracted to me.I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.  I mention my looks because for better or worse that is important.  I think it’s good to be confident and that is one point that I’m confident in. I don’t expect every woman to fall in love with me though, based on my looks.  I don’t look at it as a formula.  What I’m saying is the date went really well, and she was having a great time.  You can’t fake that. How much better can it go than laughing for 3 hours?   Anytime I’ve had a date go that well a second date was a given.  As I said you could be right about attraction but  if there was no attraction, I think she would have declined going to the bar after dinner.  I mean that would have been the perfect out.  I asked her to dinner.  I hadn’t mentioned and she hadn’t committed to do anything  after that.  I had that in mind beforehand but as far as she’s concerned it was spur of the moment. I’ve aways thought and I think it’s pretty much general knowledge that the chance of a second date is based on how well the 1st one date went. Apparently in this case it wasn’t.  

[Dull Hargraves]

Also, I don’t want to seem like I’m arguing with anyone.  Your advice and opinions are very much appreciated.  As I mentioned this is a bit therapeutic for me, a way to vent and hopefully a way to learn and improve.

[Sun Seeker]

You said you had three dates, and on the first one you had a great time, but she was just not what you were looking for.

It's the same thing here but in reverse - she had a great time with you, but decided you were just not what she was looking for.

Really all there is to it, so if anything you should know exactly how she's feeling and why.

[lana-banana]

Have you ever had an amazing job interview, like the best job interview of your entire life, and still not gotten the job? It's not that you did anything wrong, it's just that they had different criteria or ideas that you didn't know about. It happens. 

[smackie9]

I've had lots of good dates....didn't feel any chemistry, said no to a second date.

[Yosemite]

She wasn't feeling it on the date for some reason and it doesn't seem like she ever really wanted to go out with you in the first place.

She disappeared for two weeks the first time you asked her out, then you asked her out again and she cancelled the day of the date and disappeared afterwards, then you asked her out again and you two went to dinner and then she didn't want a second date...it's pretty clear that she was never that interested in you.

Maybe she's not over her ex, maybe she didn't feel any chemistry with you, maybe she wants someone her own age, maybe you're too handsome (a lot of women like to look at, but don't want to date a "pretty boy.") The point is you'll never know why she isn't into you, so why dwell on it, just move forward.

[dramafreezone]

40 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

Have you ever had an amazing job interview, like the best job interview of your entire life, and still not gotten the job? It's not that you did anything wrong, it's just that they had different criteria or ideas that you didn't know about. It happens. 

A more qualified candidate, so many guys just completely discount the possibility that she may like someone else just a little bit better, or an ex came back into the picture.

[Wiseman2]

Never take it personally. Too many moving parts in the first few dates. I think you dodged a bullet. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Dull Hargraves said:

What I’m saying is the date went really well, and she was having a great time.  You can’t fake that. How much better can it go than laughing for 3 hours?   Anytime I’ve had a date go that well a second date was a given.  As I said you could be right about attraction but  if there was no attraction, I think she would have declined going to the bar after dinner.  I mean that would have been the perfect out.  I asked her to dinner.  I hadn’t mentioned and she hadn’t committed to do anything  after that.  I had that in mind beforehand but as far as she’s concerned it was spur of the moment. 

You are being way too logical about this.  You are trying to use logic to show that she couldn't have possibly NOT been interested in you, based on how the date went.  Well she wasn't interested in a second date, so obviously somewhere along the line she decided that she was just not that into you.  Just because she was laughing for three hours, that doesn't "prove" that she had to have been into you.  Maybe she decided to make the best of the date and have a good time, even though you weren't her cup of tea.  It happens all the time.  Don't over-analyze this too much.

[Dull Hargraves]

40 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

She wasn't feeling it on the date for some reason and it doesn't seem like she ever really wanted to go out with you in the first place.

She disappeared for two weeks the first time you asked her out, then you asked her out again and she cancelled the day of the date and disappeared afterwards, then you asked her out again and you two went to dinner and then she didn't want a second date...it's pretty clear that she was never that interested in you.

Maybe she's not over her ex, maybe she didn't feel any chemistry with you, maybe she wants someone her own age, maybe you're too handsome (a lot of women like to look at, but don't want to date a "pretty boy.") The point is you'll never know why she isn't into you, so why dwell on it, just move forward.

Haha, I like your last line of reasoning.  I going with that one.

[Dull Hargraves]

1 hour ago, Punterxx said:

You said you had three dates, and on the first one you had a great time, but she was just not what you were looking for.

It's the same thing here but in reverse - she had a great time with you, but decided you were just not what she was looking for.

Really all there is to it, so if anything you should know exactly how she's feeling and why.

True

[Dull Hargraves]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Never take it personally. Too many moving parts in the first few dates. I think you dodged a bullet. 

Yeah but it was a really nice bullet

[MsJayne]

Doesn't matter how good-looking you are, not everyone will be attracted. I personally find George Clooney too pretty, likewise for Brad Pitt, and Tom Cruise is positively barf-worthy. You can get along fabulously with someone, and be very compatible as far as goals and interests go, but if the physical chemistry isn't there, well....... Your date might be kinky for ugly men, she might go for scruffy guys, maybe she's into brunettes, who knows. She took her arm out of yours when you entered the bar because she didn't want to appear spoken-for - she made you her wingman.  She may be gorgeous, and have all the right ambitions and character traits, but you're overlooking something - she has bad manners, isn't very honest, and isn't above using someone. Bullet dodged. Don't be one of the stupid men who let a pretty face over-ride their judgement. 

[Dull Hargraves]

12 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You are being way too logical about this.  You are trying to use logic to show that she couldn't have possibly NOT been interested in you, based on how the date went.  Well she wasn't interested in a second date, so obviously somewhere along the line she decided that she was just not that into you.  Just because she was laughing for three hours, that doesn't "prove" that she had to have been into you.  Maybe she decided to make the best of the date and have a good time, even though you weren't her cup of tea.  It happens all the time.  Don't over-analyze this too much.

True, I’m thinking too much with my male mind.  Just trying to wrap my head around it, so I can do better next time.

[Dull Hargraves]

1 minute ago, MsJayne said:

Doesn't matter how good-looking you are, not everyone will be attracted. I personally find George Clooney too pretty, likewise for Brad Pitt, and Tom Cruise is positively barf-worthy. You can get along fabulously with someone, and be very compatible as far as goals and interests go, but if the physical chemistry isn't there, well....... Your date might be kinky for ugly men, she might go for scruffy guys, maybe she's into brunettes, who knows. She took her arm out of yours when you entered the bar because she didn't want to appear spoken-for - she made you her wingman.  She may be gorgeous, and have all the right ambitions and character traits, but you're overlooking something - she has bad manners, isn't very honest, and isn't above using someone. Bullet dodged. Don't be one of the stupid men who let a pretty face over-ride their judgement. 

Good point

[cleverusername]

Always go in for the kiss if you are at that attraction level. If you don't, you're not interested enough to pursue. If she rejects it, she didn't feel the chemistry. Either way you have your answer. Sounds like you sent the signal you were lukewarm with her, and she signaled she was lukewarm with you. Putting her on the spot to commit to another date without time to think forced her in the moment to decide if lukewarm was enough, she decided to reject you. 

On to the next.