travelbug1996 Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 Met a guy at the gym about 8 months ago. He was in transition (recently relocatedback to current city). He told me he was living with his son. He wasn’t working a traditional job and owns his own small business. His business was slow during the winter. He was making money through uber and unemployment. Im self employed so my work is pretty flexible. Hes 42. Im a few years older. Anywho he invited me over for dinner since no restaurants were open. We seemed to get along good. So we went back and forth from my house to his for dinner and movies etc, After a couple months he was coming to my house everyday. He gets into a physical fight with his son and we agree he would stay with me temporarily for about a couple months until he got his business started. (My weak ass boundaries) I decided to loan him 1k to get it back going. (He has since paid me back) He and I would get into heated discussions about all sorts of things ranging from religion to politics. One day it got so heated that he said “what you want? Me to leave? And before it i said Yes! Can you move out tomorrow. We had both been drinking and i felt like he put my back against the wall by asking if thats what i wanted. He moved out the next day. He left some of his things at my house and we continued the relationship. Well i told him to take his things a couple more times after that. I started counseling as a result becuase I couldn’t understand why I kept resorting to breakup. I have since learned in therapy that I had a low tolerance for distress when i feel anxious. of course the relationship is strained. Hes been working a lot and not spending as much time with me. He says he has forgiven me and I haven’t suggested breaking up in a couple months now. I just wish i had never let him move him and we wouldn’t be having these issues. I felt like he rushed the relationship and we hit a wall now we are just going through the motions. We still say we love each other but things are not the same. I don’t know if it would be best to just breakup since i hurt him so much by kicking him out without time to get his stuff together. i have sincerely apologized and would never do that again.
Gaeta Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 He's not a good man for you. A man of his age should not rely on a girlfriend of 2 months to bail him out. Even if it was your idea he should have refused. Plus he borrowed money + the physical fight with his son! + arguing all the time about whatsnot, C'mon! Why would you want to fix that at all? Don't say love! Let it go. 4
ShyViolet Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 1 hour ago, travelbug1996 said: I felt like he rushed the relationship and we hit a wall now we are just going through the motions. I'm not sure why you are deflecting the responsibility to him on this. You both rushed the relationship. He can't force you to rush into a relationship. You allowed it and you took part in it. And lending him money when you had only known him a few months? Terrible idea. I'm glad he paid you back, but still, that's just not a good idea. I can't believe you only met him 8 months ago, and all this stuff has happened. This relationship sounds toxic and chaotic. A relationship should not have this many problems when you've only been with the person less than a year. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 This relationship isn’t working. Lots of red flags all around. Sorry, OP, but I wouldn’t continue this. 1
chillii Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 You known each other a few mths, living together , sleeping together, the moneys no big deal it wasn't much he paid it back forget about it. He's sitch was he's sitch like it or choose not too though, it was up to you. lt's the future that matters now so what do you want from here ? l can picture the heat though , it sounds like your clashing and not really a very good pair anyway , add in just going through the motions already.
Blind-Sided Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 8 hours ago, Gaeta said: He's not a good man for you. A man of his age should not rely on a girlfriend of 2 months to bail him out. Even if it was your idea he should have refused. Plus he borrowed money + the physical fight with his son! + arguing all the time about whatsnot, C'mon! Why would you want to fix that at all? Don't say love! Let it go. I agree. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 8 hours ago, travelbug1996 said: . One day it got so heated that he said “what you want? Me to leave? And before it i said Yes! Can you move out tomorrow. This was actually the right call. Way too much way too soon. Huge red flags from altercations with his son to asking for money to moving in. Immediately change all your passwords on all your accounts. Change the locks after he gets all his stuff out. Since he's a houseguest, not a tenant ask him to get out asap. He's using you and you know it. Don't be so desperate that you allow this type of thing.
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 You know what, this is why we date. To see how things go, how they treat us, get along, etc. What you have wrote, sounds like a bad experience. Healthy happy relationships go a lot smoother than that. I say you have had enough, this doesn't feel right, so ya, sounds like a plan...end it and move on. Then you can exhale. 1
Author travelbug1996 Posted June 10, 2021 Author Posted June 10, 2021 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: This was actually the right call. Way too much way too soon. Huge red flags from altercations with his son to asking for money to moving in. Immediately change all your passwords on all your accounts. Change the locks after he gets all his stuff out. Since he's a houseguest, not a tenant ask him to get out asap. He's using you and you know it. Don't be so desperate that you allow this type of thing. He moved out 3 months ago. I’m not sure what you mean by he’s using me. He didn’t ask me for the money and hasn’t asked me for anything. He hasn’t lived with me since but he was hurt by the way I went about asking him to leave. He doesn’t trust that I won’t impulsively break up with him again. We haven’t been arguing lately. He introduced me to his daughter this week but our energy is just different. I don’t want to break up but I don’t know how to move forward since our communication and quality time is decreasing.
Author travelbug1996 Posted June 10, 2021 Author Posted June 10, 2021 14 hours ago, Gaeta said: He's not a good man for you. A man of his age should not rely on a girlfriend of 2 months to bail him out. Even if it was your idea he should have refused. Plus he borrowed money + the physical fight with his son! + arguing all the time about whatsnot, C'mon! Why would you want to fix that at all? Don't say love! Let it go. I agree I have never dated a man so financially unstable.
Author travelbug1996 Posted June 10, 2021 Author Posted June 10, 2021 13 hours ago, ShyViolet said: I'm not sure why you are deflecting the responsibility to him on this. You both rushed the relationship. He can't force you to rush into a relationship. You allowed it and you took part in it. And lending him money when you had only known him a few months? Terrible idea. I'm glad he paid you back, but still, that's just not a good idea. I can't believe you only met him 8 months ago, and all this stuff has happened. This relationship sounds toxic and chaotic. A relationship should not have this many problems when you've only been with the person less than a year. I take full responsibility for having no boundaries because when he would initiate coming over every day I should have said no.
Author travelbug1996 Posted June 10, 2021 Author Posted June 10, 2021 9 hours ago, chillii said: You known each other a few mths, living together , sleeping together, the moneys no big deal it wasn't much he paid it back forget about it. He's sitch was he's sitch like it or choose not too though, it was up to you. lt's the future that matters now so what do you want from here ? l can picture the heat though , it sounds like your clashing and not really a very good pair anyway , add in just going through the motions already. We haven’t been arguing lately. We are trying to move past the tumultuous start to this relationship but it’s not looking good. He says I broke the trust by kicking him out 3 times.
Gaeta Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, travelbug1996 said: I take full responsibility for having no boundaries because when he would initiate coming over every day I should have said no. When he started coming over each day it meant you fed him each day too ? Edited June 10, 2021 by Gaeta
Author travelbug1996 Posted June 10, 2021 Author Posted June 10, 2021 7 minutes ago, Gaeta said: When he started coming over each day it meant you fed him each day too ? He bought food as well and cooked.
Gaeta Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 (edited) @travelbug1996 Ok I'm glad he participated. The energy between you 2 has changed and isn't restaured because your relationship was not long enough for it to be built on something solid. Usually to build a solid relationship base you build it layer by layer, like painting in your case you painted the 2nd and 3rd coats of paint without waiting for your base coat to dry. I'm sure you understand my analogy. We usually can't fix something, or it's not worth fixing something, that is not laying on something strong. Edited June 10, 2021 by Gaeta 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 25 minutes ago, travelbug1996 said: He says I broke the trust by kicking him out 3 times. He wouldn't be saying that if he didn't weasel his way into your place in the first place. Reflect on what the appeal is here. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 11, 2021 Posted June 11, 2021 God I see the wisdom of my parents ... but yes, do not date someone who is financially unstable. Period. Especially with your bad boundaries, you gotta know this. Too much of a temptation for you--you're going to be a "helper." Relationships are about helping each other at a deep level, but not at the start ... and the help is going to be more emotional. Owns his own business often = doesn't really have a good income. You'd be better off dating someone with a steady job, with modest pay, who lives within their means. The physical fight with the son--that was when you needed to hit the pause button--actually not true. You needed to dump him right then and there. If someone has kids, you absolutely only going forward if they have a decent relationship with the kid. Frankly, you want a partner with a really good relationship with their kid. If he's fighting the kid, how the heck are you going to get along with the kid. So you need what people call "bright lines." So let's set some. A partner physically fights a child. Stop. Always. Always. Never continue. End it. Totally. Right there. And I don't care if the partner is actually a wonderful person on their own. That's a mess. So now you got two major red lights--not just flags--but red lights. Tell your therapist you need to practice specific lines. It's one thing to know your boundaries are bad. It's another thing entirely to literally practice speaking and drawing a boundary in real time. If you freak out at conflict and freeze when there's discomfort, your brain will not generate the right words. You need to have those words down ahead of time. If your boundaries are really bad, one step you probably need to take is to literally write and practice specific lines. Since standing up for yourself doesn't come easily, you need to literally practice saying "no" to people. Stand in a room in front of a mirror if you so desire and practice. "I'm not comfortable going forward with the relationship after that fight. I'm sorry." Period. That's all you need to say. 1
Author travelbug1996 Posted June 11, 2021 Author Posted June 11, 2021 I look back on this relationship and I knew from the beginning it could potentially go bad. I knew we weren't on the same level financially but we had many fun good experiences as well. He didn't really have a place of his own and I live in a half million dollar home alone and have owned a successful business over 12 years. I think I'm gonna take some time from relationships for a while. I'm disappointed at myself for letting someone without a job move into my house and try to dominate me. I'm proud of myself for asking him to move out I just hate the way I did it because it hurt him and I didn't mean to cause more harm, He's not speaking to me now because he called last night and I din't call him back until this morning. I just really needed some time for myself. When he does it its fine but how dare I.
MsJayne Posted June 11, 2021 Posted June 11, 2021 The reason you're in counselling isn't because you have a low tolerance for distress, it's because your BF is causing you distress. He's living at your place because of a punch-up with his son, his business is unstable and you've propped him up financially, and he has the gall to act like you're the problem? Pack up his stuff and put it in the garage and send him on his way, you'll save a fortune on therapy.
Author travelbug1996 Posted June 11, 2021 Author Posted June 11, 2021 9 minutes ago, MsJayne said: The reason you're in counselling isn't because you have a low tolerance for distress, it's because your BF is causing you distress. He's living at your place because of a punch-up with his son, his business is unstable and you've propped him up financially, and he has the gall to act like you're the problem? Pack up his stuff and put it in the garage and send him on his way, you'll save a fortune on therapy. I do have a history of being very impulsive at times when it comes to ending relationships and later I have regrets. I don’t regret the decision to ask him to move out I just wish that I would have handled it less emotionally. I agree that he was causing a lot of distress in the times when we would argue (20% of the time). But when we weren’t arguing we got along well. He moved out three months ago so he only lived with me maybe two months.
Lotsgoingon Posted June 11, 2021 Posted June 11, 2021 What's the problem you're having with people with your equivalent level of success in the business world?
MsJayne Posted June 11, 2021 Posted June 11, 2021 24 minutes ago, travelbug1996 said: He moved out three months ago so he only lived with me maybe two months. I'm glad to hear that. Maybe don't be so hard on yourself for ending relationships on an impulse, because perhaps you've already been thinking about it in the back of your mind and one more push is all it takes for you to want to send a message to the other person about taking advantage of you. It sounds like perhaps you tolerate a partner taking advantage of your good nature and generosity up to a point and then burst when you've had enough? Putting your foot down isn't a bad thing, on the contrary.
Wiseman2 Posted June 11, 2021 Posted June 11, 2021 4 hours ago, travelbug1996 said: He didn't really have a place of his own and I live in a half million dollar home alone and have owned a successful business over 12 years. You're the perfect target for a gigolo like this. Google "homeless joe". This guy is like your guy. Looks for places to stay by charming women. You don't need a break from relationships altogether, you just need to be more discriminating. 1
Gaeta Posted June 11, 2021 Posted June 11, 2021 Date men that are at your level financially. I'm a romantic too and dated too many men that were financially insecure, thinking love can be found anywhere. We women will admire a man for his professional and financial accomplishments but I don't think men feel the same when they come across a woman that is in an over-all better position than them. It creates an imbalance in the relationship and the man is reminded each day of his short comings, eventually you're the one taking care of him, he takes it for granted, his ego hurts in silence. Then he'll leave you for a woman that's less pretty, less stable, that works minimum wages at Walmart. That will be his way of re-establishing balance in his male ego. 2
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