Haerts Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 Been dating someone new for 2 months now, we made it serious last week. Things are great so far except that his ex is not happy with the fact he has a new girlfriend now. She’s been stalking me on social media, has sent numerous emails and texts to him, has called him a few times too, all of that trying to get him back. He’s over it or so he says, but it doesn’t seem like he’s setting boundaries between them and that’s making me feel very uncomfortable. Before we made it serious, I talked to him about that and I said that if he needs some time to figure out things between him and his ex, I would understand, but that I don’t want to be part of it. He said it’s all over between them and asked me to be patient. I’d be ok if they were just friends, but he even had sex with her the day after he met me for the first time. He told me that. So even though he’s over her, they were still intimate. He hasn’t seen her personally after that day though... Anyway It had been a week since she last contacted him, she had asked him not to talk to her anymore because she needs to get over it, yet last night he sent her a birthday message and they talked again. He told me that the same night. We had our first argument because I told him again that I’m not comfortable with that, and that he didn’t even bother talking to me before doing that, knowing how uncomfortable I am with this whole situation. He said that he doesn’t need my permission to talk to his ex and if I get upset at these things, he will feel like he can’t be honest with me. That my insecurities are the problem and I don’t trust him. And that he wants to be her friend. I’m thinking of breaking up and moving on, it’s a recent relationship anyway and there’s a problem already. But I want to know your opinions whether I’m right or wrong in this scenario. As I said if his ex was a friend, had no intentions with him whatsoever, it would be much easier to handle. But knowing she’s only around because she wants him back really frustrates me and the fact he’s not stopping her to focus on us is also annoying me so much...
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 Speaking from experience: This guy is bad news. He is setting things up to where he has two women "fighting" over him. He's gossipy and messy on top of that. The worst part is that he turns things around on YOU, and your alleged insecurities, when you call him on his crap. Mark my words--if you continue, he will also pit you against female friends and co-workers, his female neighbors, his female relatives, etc...This type of drama is exciting to men like that. 1
lonelyplanetmoon Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 Ok first off. He is right. You cannot tell him what to do. This is true. You can NEVER tell someone what to do. We are adults we can do whatever we want. You can not control what other people do. However, you have total control over what you do. You have a choice to accept that behavior or not. For me I would be gone because frankly it is not worth it. I want to be with somebody who prioritizes me and is sensitive to my feelings. I am sensitive and a little insecure and so things like this cause me a lot of emotional harm. True I probably do it to myself but the point is I know this and won’t engage. It is about setting boundaries. 1
norealusername Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 This situation isn't good, your concerns are valid. He should not still be friends with his ex. Especially since she's still pursuing him and she's harassing you. You might just be a rebound. If he won't cut contact with her, dump him. 1
Author Haerts Posted June 10, 2021 Author Posted June 10, 2021 1 hour ago, lonelyplanetmoon said: Ok first off. He is right. You cannot tell him what to do. This is true. You can NEVER tell someone what to do. We are adults we can do whatever we want. You can not control what other people do. However, you have total control over what you do. You have a choice to accept that behavior or not. But I never told him what to do. I’ve been saying this situation makes me feel uncomfortable hoping he would empathise and he blames me for feeling insecure. If his ex was a friend with no intentions I’d be fine, but just last week she was trying hard to get him back. It’s not like I said “don’t talk to your ex” I just expect him to understand my feelings, I’ve made them clear. He knew it would upset me yet he went ahead and did it anyway, while I expected him to communicate first or talk to me about it before doing it. I’m just having these mixed feelings whether I’m right or wrong in this case. Right now I feel like it was almost like cheating because he knew it would made me sad and did it regardless of my feelings. So what’s next? He’s gonna cheat on me and then later say he doesn’t need my permission for that? Like am I crazy for feeling this way?
Gaeta Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 He doesn't respect you. He also doesn't respect her wish. This man is self centered. I would not pursue. How long ago they split up? 1
ShyViolet Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 3 hours ago, Haerts said: He said that he doesn’t need my permission to talk to his ex and if I get upset at these things, he will feel like he can’t be honest with me. That my insecurities are the problem and I don’t trust him. And that he wants to be her friend. Are you kidding??? This guy is still involved with his ex, he's told you point blank that he's not willing to stop talking to her. This is going to continue. He probably still has feelings for her. 3 hours ago, Haerts said: I’d be ok if they were just friends, but he even had sex with her the day after he met me for the first time. He told me that. No it's not ok if they are friends, absolutely not. You're kidding yourself if you think that. With all that has gone on between them, with her stalking him and trying to get him back, they clearly can't be "friends" while you date him. You need to break up with him, like now. This is ridiculous. 2
lonelyplanetmoon Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 1 hour ago, Haerts said: But I never told him what to do. I’ve been saying this situation makes me feel uncomfortable hoping he would empathise and he blames me for feeling insecure. If his ex was a friend with no intentions I’d be fine, but just last week she was trying hard to get him back. It’s not like I said “don’t talk to your ex” I just expect him to understand my feelings, I’ve made them clear. He knew it would upset me yet he went ahead and did it anyway, while I expected him to communicate first or talk to me about it before doing it. I’m just having these mixed feelings whether I’m right or wrong in this case. Right now I feel like it was almost like cheating because he knew it would made me sad and did it regardless of my feelings. So what’s next? He’s gonna cheat on me and then later say he doesn’t need my permission for that? Like am I crazy for feeling this way? No you are not crazy in any way. I would feel the same as you. I had said that if it were me I would not tolerate it and be gone. ‘Don’t forget you absolutely have a right to feel how you feel. It is up to you on what to do about it. Relationships with this kind of drama are rarely worth it. There is an imbalance somewhere. You need to decide if you want to stay in a relationship that makes you insecure and feeling “crazy”. Remember once there is a dynamic, it stays in the relationship in many forms. It is always there. Never goes away... 1
Author Haerts Posted June 10, 2021 Author Posted June 10, 2021 4 hours ago, norealusername said: This situation isn't good, your concerns are valid. He should not still be friends with his ex. Especially since she's still pursuing him and she's harassing you. You might just be a rebound. If he won't cut contact with her, dump him. But if I do that it sounds like an ultimatum. Sounds like a terrible way to start a relationship. I will have a conversation with him anyway... sigh it's just stressful, it's a new relationship, I hate that I have to deal with this. 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: He doesn't respect you. He also doesn't respect her wish. This man is self centered. I would not pursue. How long ago they split up? It's weird he doesn't seem self centered about other things... or maybe he's just showing his true colours already. To answer your question, they broke up 4 months ago, 2 years relationship. They were still seeing each other and having sex but both agreed they couldn't be together. She had a change of heart the moment she knew he was seeing someone else. 1 hour ago, lonelyplanetmoon said: No you are not crazy in any way. I would feel the same as you. I had said that if it were me I would not tolerate it and be gone. ‘Don’t forget you absolutely have a right to feel how you feel. It is up to you on what to do about it. Relationships with this kind of drama are rarely worth it. There is an imbalance somewhere. You need to decide if you want to stay in a relationship that makes you insecure and feeling “crazy”. Remember once there is a dynamic, it stays in the relationship in many forms. It is always there. Never goes away... I just don't want to have to deal with that kind of bs. I do like him and I made this post seeking validation more than anything else, I'm like swinging from "I'm wrong for expecting him to stop seeing his ex" to "I'm right, my feelings are legit and he should not take them for granted".
Sun Seeker Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 He's not over his ex. He should not even be talking to her at all, let alone be friends with her. It's not about giving an ultimatum, it's about setting boundaries. 'I don't keep exes from the past in my life in the present. If you don't feel the same then we are not compatible' You already know he is choosing her over you. You know it's a terrible way to start a relationship, so why continue? You should be breaking up with him like yesterday.
Wiseman2 Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, Haerts said: she’s only around because she wants him back really frustrates me Yikes. Sorry this is happening. 60 days of dating and all these red flags already? He seems to be still talking to and on/off with the ex. Cut your losses. He's the problem, not her. "She's around" because he wants her to be . It's that simple. Run. Don't be a pawn in thier stupid games. Edited June 10, 2021 by Wiseman2
Blind-Sided Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 10 hours ago, Haerts said: 1) Been dating someone new for 2 months now, 2) She has sent numerous emails and texts to him, has called him a few times too, all of that trying to get him back. 3) but he even had sex with her the day after he met me for the first time. He told me that. So even though he’s over her, they were still intimate. 4) last night he sent her a birthday message and they talked again. 5) He said that he doesn’t need my permission to talk to his ex 6) if I get upset at these things, he will feel like he can’t be honest with me. I’m thinking of breaking up and moving on, ...... Just read the points I pulled out of your post at face value. You have only been together for a couple months. There is no reason to put up with this crap. Not to mention... you can't be "Friends" with an ex... and since he has been with her since meeting you... you are just the rebound. Tell him good-by. 1
Fletch Lives Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 Stalker exs can be trouble. It's a deal breaker for some.
Gaeta Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 To be friends with an ex, there needs to be a cut first. You cut contact, you move on, let time heal all wounds, then down the road you may get back in touch and become friends but couples don't go from being in relationships to being friends without a healing period. This man moved quick to you to fill the void she left. I don't know why you would put any energy in fighting for this man. He's showing a very weak character. The part where she asked him to leave her alone to heal and he sends her a message on her b'day?? Shows exactly what type of person he is, I would pass.
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 if he's still in contact with her, then there is unfinished business between them. I don't care what he says...talk is cheap. He can say anything doesn't mean he's honest. You are right, how can he be over her if he had sex with her right after you two met. This is a fail, and should speak volumes to you about his character. Dump and run.
vla1120 Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 I would cut and run before your feelings for him get any deeper. He's not ready for a relationship and, as it stands now, she's going to continue to come between you.
introverted1 Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 15 hours ago, Haerts said: Been dating someone new for 2 months now, we made it serious last week 9 hours ago, Haerts said: they broke up 4 months ago, 2 years relationship. They were still seeing each other and having sex but both agreed they couldn't be together. She had a change of heart the moment she knew he was seeing someone else. So he started dating you 2 months after he got out of a 2 year r/s? And he was still having sex with her when he first started dating you? You are the rebound, I'm afraid. She's not over him, he's not over her, you will be left in the cold when this is all resolved. 1
Alpacalia Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 "His ex isn't over their relationship" Neither of them are. It's painful to realize but for your own wellbeing, I would remove myself from this situation and let him go yank someone else's chain. 2
Starswillshine Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 15 hours ago, Haerts said: He said that he doesn’t need my permission to talk to his ex and if I get upset at these things, he will feel like he can’t be honest with me. That my insecurities are the problem and I don’t trust him. And that he wants to be her friend. This is a HUGE issue. No, he does not need your permission but he needs to respect you. This is so disrespectful and gaslighting you. Run. 1
ShyViolet Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 11 hours ago, Haerts said: But if I do that it sounds like an ultimatum. Sounds like a terrible way to start a relationship. No, it's not about giving an ultimatum. I hate to break it to you, but an ultimatum is not going to work. You cannot control how he feels or what he does. He has already made it clear that he's not over his ex and he's not willing to move on from her. He's not ready for a healthy relationship with you. Now you need to face reality for what it is, and make your choice about what you are willing to accept. 1
Calmandfocused Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 (edited) Op, for your own sake you should terminate this relationship right now. This man is not available to date you.He’s still tied to his ex! He’s mistreating you and disrespecting your relationship. in fact what you have with him is not a relationship, it’s a head f***. I think he’s using you as a toy to goad and manipulate his ex and vice versa. Trust me when I say this: he is loving the attention and emotions this effed up triangle is creating. Respect yourself more and extract yourself from this situation ASAP Edited June 10, 2021 by Calmandfocused 2
Lotsgoingon Posted June 10, 2021 Posted June 10, 2021 No, do NOT be patient over this. So he slept with his ex two months ago ... shortly after you guys first went on a date? That's too soon ... most people take more than 2 months to get an ex out of their system. And he is still protecting her (asking you to be patient). So when you are free, you don't spend ANY energy protecting an ex. You move on fully with your own life. Definite red flag--that he's not setting better boundaries with her. Half of what makes a relationship thrive is good boundaries, namely the ability of each person to say no to outside troubles and to say no to various things so that they can prioritize their partner. Remember your job, especially early on, is to forcefully, relentlessly focus on your wellbeing. No caretaking someone else and their problems. I'd really consider stopping things. You also might be a rebound for him. 2
MsJayne Posted June 11, 2021 Posted June 11, 2021 On 6/10/2021 at 10:07 AM, Haerts said: He said that he doesn’t need my permission to talk to his ex and if I get upset at these things, he will feel like he can’t be honest with me. That my insecurities are the problem and I don’t trust him. And that he wants to be her friend. That's the beginning of gas-lighting right there. He's full of it, absolutely full of it. You are not insecure, you are a woman with self-respect who refuses to quietly tolerate what is blatant disregard and disrespect. If he actually cared for his ex he would acknowledge that she needs to move on without him in her life - if he's the one who ended it why is he encouraging her attention? He loves it, that's why. Look at what she's doing - he's found someone new and she doesn't even have enough self-respect left to refrain from chasing after him like a desperado. He's showing more loyalty to the ex than he is to the new woman - and if he's not loyal now when you're brand new and he's supposed to be trying to impress you, trust me on this, he'll get worse. Just the fact that he told you about sex with her AFTER he'd met you, (wow, what a gentleman), is a Big Red Flag - there was no need to tell you that, and I even suspect it may not be true, just him starting the process of turning you into an insecure, jealous, nervous wreck. He is deliberately doing this to make you jealous. Please just dump this immature buffoon and find a grown up. Jesus! I've got the $hits just reading about him. 4
kendahke Posted June 12, 2021 Posted June 12, 2021 (edited) Girl, he is still emotionally involved with her. He knows it and she knows it. You're the only one who doesn't. You are rebound chick. That's it. Someone to snap old girl back into line... she's awake now and it's just a matter of time before they're back in it, thick as thieves. Don't invest yourself in this fling when the guy hasn't invested in you at all. He wasn't ready to get into a new relationship--he was only ready to get really messy. Everyone gets offal on them now. Edited June 12, 2021 by kendahke
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