BaileyB Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 (edited) My guy is a teacher, so when we started dating he used to tease me that I had “passed the test.” It was important to him (and me) that we could have an intelligent conversation together. He is a bit of a Cliff Claven in that he knows all kind of useless information which I like to tease him about. But, he used to tease me that there would be a “pop quiz” at any time. So, part of this sounds familiar and fun for me… The whole, “you are already mine” and “I’m just texting so that you will know that I’m thinking about you” sounds arrogant and entitled to me. If he thinking I am “already his” after the first date - that would make me go out of my way to prove how very wrong he is… It’s too much, too soon. Edited June 8, 2021 by BaileyB 4
MsJayne Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: He has 3 children that he has full custody of. I'd be wanting to know why his wife doesn't have the children. [ ] Did you ask him why his marriage ended? I'd be wary because of his "you're already mine" comment, to me that's a pull-in, like you say, as if he's read one of those PUA books and it told him to make the woman feel protected and special. If you tend to attract narcissistic types, (I do, I speak from experience ), I'd be especially wary. Edited June 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator off topic 2
Ami1uwant Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: He divorced 8 years ago and was not in a relationship since (he says). He has 3 children that he has full custody of. One is adult age now, the 2 other teens. I'm the first one he meets since he's online (he says) then the last time he dated was about 25 yrs ago...the rust is there. 1
basil67 Posted June 8, 2021 Posted June 8, 2021 "As far as I'm concerned, you're already mine" Hell no! At best he has no concept of a woman's personal agency and at worst, he will stalk you if you try to leave. 5
norealusername Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 I don't know if he's playing you or not. Maybe he thinks he's impressing you. It comes off as creepy and awkward. 3
Sun Seeker Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 He definitely sounds creepy, and desperate. Like he has no idea how to actually talk to a woman and woo her. You would not expect that from a middle aged man. 3
mark clemson Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 Quote What are the chances I'm being played? Low to moderate IMO. However, his social skills may be off. I read "won't disappoint" and "you're already mine" as an insecure or socially "clumsy" person trying a bit to hard and/or perhaps following some mental "script." I think some above have suggested this as well. Just because they're ASD doesn't mean they're not playing you (especially the very smart ASD ones), but that's not quite the read I'm getting here. I could certainly be wrong though. 1
Author Gaeta Posted June 9, 2021 Author Posted June 9, 2021 I did not get his usual 3 minute call tonight. I'm back from my 2nd date with Mr. Quiet. This man is as normal as you can get. Conversation flows ok, we had a few laughs. He asked if I'd go on a 3rd date with him and I said yes. On my way home he sent me a text saying you're so pretty. I think I'm in better hands with this one. I'm not used to quiet men, I have always been with extroverts. Maybe that's the change I need. 6
CollinW Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: I did not get his usual 3 minute call tonight. I'm back from my 2nd date with Mr. Quiet. This man is as normal as you can get. Conversation flows ok, we had a few laughs. He asked if I'd go on a 3rd date with him and I said yes. On my way home he sent me a text saying you're so pretty. I think I'm in better hands with this one. I'm not used to quiet men, I have always been with extroverts. Maybe that's the change I need. You're going to be bored with him in a few weeks. 1
Taramere Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 12 hours ago, Gaeta said: Up to the end I felt it was flirty humor but at the end the good bye conversation was weird but I've heard worse. Now, the calling/texting but not engaging in conversation had me think he's following a script, like those PUA rules. Don't talk between dates so you can't ruin your chances type of thing. The "you passed the test" comment was pompous sounding. If I didn't like the guy and just wanted away, I'd smile politely at that comment and avoid encouraging any more like it. If I liked him, I'd probably say or do something that would give him an opportunity to laugh at himself for being pompous. I'd give a somewhat awkward goodbye a pass, since ending a first date can easily be a bit awkward. I'd probably think the "you're already mine" comment was some reference to a book or film we'd been discussing...or maybe some joke he'd had with a woman he'd previously been involved with. Guys do seem to sometimes like to transport their private jokes from one relationship to the next. A lot of the time there probably isn't much to be gained from analysing their stranger sounding comments. Your most useful information is always going to come from his non verbal communication. 2
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 Whether the guy is playing you or not, he is making you feel uncomfortable with his scripted chat up lines and his judgement of your intelligence...BTW - Well done you for passing his little IQ test...!!! 5
Weezy1973 Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 You don’t have to make any decisions quickly here. Just keep multi-dating. If there are flags keep them in mind and see if they resurface on a second date. You’re not “his”. Nor are introverts the change you need. Just date and have fun, don’t jump to “rest of my life” thinking after a couple dates. 5
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 11 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Just date and have fun, don’t jump to “rest of my life” thinking after a couple dates There is little point in dating a guy who will never pass the "rest of my life" test. Waste of time. Too many woman get caught up with the "fun" guys, get hooked and end up with a string of totally unsuitable men. Not a good idea for a 55yo looking for a real relationship. 8
Weezy1973 Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 6 minutes ago, elaine567 said: There is little point in dating a guy who will never pass the "rest of my life" test. Waste of time. Too many woman get caught up with the "fun" guys, get hooked and end up with a string of totally unsuitable men. Not a good idea for a 55yo looking for a real relationship. Not what I’m saying. In the early stages all you’re worried about is whether or not you want to see them again. As long as you’re multi-dating that’s the stage you’re at. When it gets 4 or 5 dates in and you’re contemplating exclusivity, then thinking about long term potential gets more important. Until then it is more about fun. Fun and long term are not mutually exclusive. And if you’re not having fun dating, you will burn out. 1
chillii Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 15 hours ago, ShyViolet said: This guy is creeping me out and I haven't even met him. The things he said to you are so weird, socially awkward and just off-putting for someone that you've just met. You didn't feel that in the moment? Must admit , l'm not female l don't know for sure , but to me yeah it did , it all sounded so weird. And testing , wtf, already , like you have to test anything you'll find out soon enough naturally. Sorry Gaeta l'd like to say some great things but smelling a rat with this one. 3
chillii Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 (edited) 15 hours ago, Gaeta said: Up to the end I felt it was flirty humor but at the end the good bye conversation was weird but I've heard worse. Now, the calling/texting but not engaging in conversation had me think he's following a script, like those PUA rules. Don't talk between dates so you can't ruin your chances type of thing. Yeah , before l even saw this, first thing l thought of in the first post was too much internet bs for this guy. And the tests, 1st date , wt??? Sounds like he's rehearsed 100 times to me. Edited June 9, 2021 by chillii 1
introverted1 Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said: Nor are introverts the change you need. Hey now! Enough of that radical talk! 4
Author Gaeta Posted June 9, 2021 Author Posted June 9, 2021 (edited) Also when we met he asked me how I viewed relationships, was I jealous or possessive, am I comfortable with the occasional need of space, how I handle conflicts etc. He's definitely screening women (or screening me) Why I like him is of course I find him attractive but we have so much in common it's almost funny. We are 2 libras and have the same way of handling life, we read the same books, follow the same documentaries, we have registered to the same swimming class (different cities), we have the same political views, and it goes on. Edited June 9, 2021 by Gaeta 2
Alpacalia Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 But, more importantly, what is his moon sign? I realize it's unusual that you'll meet someone who doesn't have some sort of emotional baggage or reservations. Simultaneously, having guardrails in place to help you stay on course and safeguard you from less savory people makes it easier to navigate finding a compatible match. If you think you know enough about him and do not want to learn more, skip the second date. 1
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: we have so much in common it's almost funny. We are 2 libras and have the same way of handling life, we read the same books, follow the same documentaries, we have registered to the same swimming class (different cities), we have the same political views, and it goes on. Quote Robert Hare and Paul Babiak describe in Snakes in Suits how during the “assessment phase” of the relationship a psychopath will convey to his target four main messages: 1) I like you; 2) I share your interests; 3) I’m like you, and 4) I’m the perfect partner or soul mate for you. This process constitutes the mirroring phase of the psychopathic bond. Granted, most romantic relationships entail some aspects of mirroring. After all, that’s how couples discover their points in common. But with a psychopath the reflection tends to be instant and total. It’s a simulated bonding that’s way too fast, too soon and too good to be true. This happens before any real emotional connection can take place. It occurs before the partners have gotten to know each other well, over time and in different circumstances. Instant bonding is usually a symptom of shallowness of emotions rather than of miraculous compatibility. https://datingasociopath.com/2015/02/21/mirroring-and-bonding 1
ShyViolet Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Also when we met he asked me how I viewed relationships, was I jealous or possessive, am I comfortable with the occasional need of space, how I handle conflicts etc. These are very strange things to ask on a first date. This, along with what you told us previously that he said, is not normal first date conversation. Something about this guy is very creepy. Be careful. 4
Taramere Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 37 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Also when we met he asked me how I viewed relationships, was I jealous or possessive, am I comfortable with the occasional need of space, how I handle conflicts etc. He's definitely screening women (or screening me) It does sound like a job interview. I'm tempted to try online dating just for the fun of answering a "how do you handle conflict?" question. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 Given you've moved on to Quiet Guy as a better choice, the chance has thankfully fallen to 0 %.
Author Gaeta Posted June 9, 2021 Author Posted June 9, 2021 22 minutes ago, elaine567 said: About the common interests l did not voluntered any of it. It was me asking 'what you're reading' 'what you're watching'. We were sitting in front of water and a swimmer passed by so he said ' don't laugh at me l can't swim and l'm starting class' he had no clue l had done the same. 1
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: , how I handle conflicts Swift kick to the nether regions... 2
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