can you ever get out of a friend zone?

[DC1996]

hi there,

just wanted people's experiences in regards to potentially getting out of a friends zone.

I was recently dating this girl for about a month and a half and we really hit it off from the start, both were really into each other even both said as much and long story short out of nowhere when things were really at there high point in terms of how things were going she told me going forward she wants to be friends and was happy to keep going out as friends. I was pretty surprised just given how things were going but I respected what she said because the one worry I had was a bit of maturity in terms of knowing whether or not she wanted a relationship at this stage and it felt like I was a bit ahead of her in this facet so I think she potentially got a bit of cold feet and did not want to waste my time which I appreciate but was still quite surprised just by the sudden nature of it all.

I am also fully aware that it's possible she got her attention diverted by someone else as we met online and that has happened in the past or also that she just wasn't into me enough which I find less likely just purely going off her actions when we were together without going into massive detail. And there was a few online exchanges where she messaged me at 1am on a Saturday night which I found strange.

I just accepted what she told me really and didn't try to push things nor have I tried to really catch up with her as a friend as I don't believe this would work.

We live literally 200 metres from each other and since we have ran into each other quite a few times and it has not been awkward at all and if anything sort of picked up where it left off in terms of how we've chatted.

I still understand what she told me and I generally think there's probably no way I can get out of the friend zone now but my main question is has anyone experienced anything where something has ended like that and then sort of started up again and if so what happened?  

This has happened a couple times to me albeit this time I was pretty surprised and I am just at a bit of a loss as to what it takes to just get over that 'friend' stage as stupid as it sounds.

I understand there's a 99% chance that it won't ever happen again it just has this feeling that that was someone I may not have let go as easy but what can you do about timing I guess

 

[MeadowFlower]

I don't get the whole guy and girl being just 'friends'. Not close friends that is. Sure you can be casual friends and hang in a group and do stuff. But as far as being close friends, to me that is a relationship nearly.

Anyway, if she has said she only wants to be friends, I would say possibly she isn't interested. Don't give her what you were giving her before. She doesn't get to have you but not have you. If that makes sense.

[DC1996]

Yeah that's why I accepted what she said but pulled away at the same time and didn't really take up the offer of catching up as friends.

I think what baffled me was we had gone out for dinner and stuff and went really well, the very next afternoon she asked me to go for a walk with her and we spent another 3 hrs together and she had told me basically she liked me....two days later she sent me what she sent me lol that's where my confusion was sometimes I feel like maybe I should have asked what changes in the space of a day or two but yeah

It's a bit weird feels like a timing thing but what you say makes sense

would be interesting if similar has happened to anyone else and if it's sort of come back around again

[MeadowFlower]

1 minute ago, DC1996 said:

I think what baffled me was we had gone out for dinner and stuff and went really well, the very next afternoon she asked me to go for a walk with her and we spent another 3 hrs together and she had told me basically she liked me....two days later she sent me what she sent me lol that's where my confusion was sometimes I feel like maybe I should have asked what changes in the space of a day or two but yeah

Just goes to show, words don't always mean what they are saying. Someone else probably showed interest in her, who she had been liking while being with you. Not that I know. 

My sort-of-ex was supposedly looking forward to seeing me on a trip to my town. And some days later, it was over and he never came, liked someone else. Someone who he hadn't just met. 

[dramafreezone]

From romantic interest, to friendzone, back to romantic interest.  That's like picking up the 7-10 split in bowling.

Don't ever agree to be her friend if that's not what you want.  It was probably over for good anyway, but I think any hope for any future romance with her was lost when you willingly went into the friendzone chamber and closed the door behind you..

You don't have to be rude about it, just say, "no, I'm not interested in that, but if you ever change your mind give me a call.  Otherwise I wish you well"

Edited June 8, 2021 by dramafreezone

[DC1996]

That's true, thanks for the reply...when I say I accepted what she said I don't feel I agreed to any of that as I basically just said thanks for being honest and upfront, return the compliments she gave me and just said we might see each other around and take care. 

I thought about writing what you mentioned but to be honest I have tried that in the past and that wasn't met well lol

End of the day she knew from conversations we'd had I am not in it for a friendship and I implied that in my response.

 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, DC1996 said:

I was recently dating this girl for about a month and a half

This has happened a couple times to me albeit this time I was pretty surprised and I am just at a bit of a loss as to what it takes to just get over that 'friend' stage as stupid as it sounds.

6 weeks dating is the get-to-know-you stage.

Often you are not exclusive yet. Sometimes it fizzles and that happens all the time.

Best to move on and not chitchat  if the intention is to date and it's turning into "let's be friends".

[Fletch Lives]

Getting out of the friends zone is like winning the lotto - not going to happen.

[dramafreezone]

6 hours ago, DC1996 said:

 

I thought about writing what you mentioned but to be honest I have tried that in the past and that wasn't met well lol

End of the day she knew from conversations we'd had I am not in it for a friendship and I implied that in my response.

 

Well if it's not met well then you probably dodged a bullet.  I think a secure woman is going to appreciate you standing up for what you want.   An insecure woman is going to be offended that you wouldn't accept her gracious offer to join her friend zone.  She wouldn't accept it if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

6 hours ago, DC1996 said:

That's true, thanks for the reply...when I say I accepted what she said I don't feel I agreed to any of that as I basically just said thanks for being honest and upfront, return the compliments she gave me and just said we might see each other around and take care. 

 

Oh, well sounds like you responded well.  Based on how abruptly things changed with her I would surmise either an ex came back into the picture or someone else she liked more than you became available.  It happens to all of us.

[mark clemson]

Speaking generally there are three ways of being "in the friend zone":

1) What started as romantic interest was relegated to "friend" status. This almost never turns back into a romantic interest/relationship. So, don't bother trying IMO.

2) An actual (genuine) friend. Sometimes a woman will develop/act on feelings for a (genuine) friend and if they are mutual the friendship will "blossom" into a relationship. This can work if you're willing to "play the long game" by just being a friend and seeing if something happens. However, it tends to waste a lot of time, so straightforward dating (while also maintaining genuine friendships) makes more sense. IF the friendship happens to turn into something more, great. But don't hold your breath.

3) An orbiter - ie, a "friend" who isn't genuinely (much of) a friend, but hangs around because they harbor strong romantic interest. I think many if not most women see right through this, and (speaking generally) I believe they tend not to respect this "beta" move. Some are happy to keep the orbiter around for "validation" and as a fallback/"Plan D" just in case nothing else works out. But basically all other worthy romantic interests are likely to get priority over the orbiter, who is seen strictly as a distant fallback. Some women don't accept them hanging around as it "feels creepy" to them. This is a generally a waste of time for the orbiter and has little chance of success. If you look back at 1) that is one way to become an orbiter after some time has passed if the rejected romantic interest doesn't move on.

All of the above can happen with men too, although I think it's a lot less common. Generally I think it makes sense to be a friend and makes sense to date, but being an orbiter is where people can waste a lot of time "smoking hopium" due to being emotionally fixated on someone who doesn't reciprocate and/or due to a lack of better prospects.

[Lotsgoingon]

Hold on: did you guys kiss in these early weeks of things? Really kissing and making out is the real metric for determining friend zone.

Now, yes, you can have budding romance that hasn't led to a kiss yet, but you have to be really socially experienced and sharp to be able to read romantic energy. Romantic-sexual energy is very different from even a really good time with someone. Some people are just pleasant and fun to be with. That's not a sign of romantic interest.

So did you guys kiss?

Two, did you guys kinda look at each other with excitement and curiosity? Again, it takes a lot of social skill to judge this, but having tried to date women who were not interested in me (as well as the ones who were) I learned to notice the difference.

Now ... to your direct question ... the answer really is no. Now it is possible to move out of the friendzone, but there is a huge catch: it has to happen naturally, effortlessly. Like I have coworkers who I've spent a lot of time with ... over time, you might find yourself liking the coworker and them you--liking in the romantic sense. That has to just happen and happen organically, without effort or strategy. And you can't predict this shift in feelings. 

So bottom line is: no, you're done with this woman. Did you guys kiss in the first place?

 

[ASG]

In my experience, if I'm dating a guy and then break it off, the chance of going back to a romantic relationship is zero. 

It means I never really felt *it*, whatever *it* is. It just wasn't there. No spark, no chemistry, no feelings. I've dated guys longer than what I would have liked, just to try and see if it was me, and if things could progress.  Usually my gut feeling was right, and after a couple of dates I'd break it off. 

it can be harder when conversation is AMAZING, and you'd really like to keep that person as a friend. But that's not always easy, as if the other person wants more, then the friendship is doomed. 

But like it was said before, if you want more, and being a friend with this person is not what you want, be clear, and stay away (which is not to say you aren't friendly when you bump into her, seeing as you're neighbours).