Badgers Posted June 5, 2021 Posted June 5, 2021 I’m 26. I’ve been dating ‘A’ since November. The lads at all used to talk about her because she is beautiful, breathtaking. I did a bit of training with her and what attracted me really was she was just so kind, so sweet. Like such a good person. So loving, to like everyone. I’ve never really struggled attracting girls but I have struggled with relationships.... I.. my childhood was difficult, I’ve never had a good male role model the people I grew up around were not good, they were involved in bad stuff, I witnessed bad stuff, I wanted to be different but it’s hard to get out.. I ended up living in my car at 17... but I think I’ve done a decent job of getting out - I have my own business now, I do tons of youth charity work, I think I’m pretty respectable haha! But I think sometimes people find the messiness of my past off putting. I think as well, like girls always wanted to seem to take stuff casually and maybe because I’ve always wanted to be committed it scared them off. I don’t want to give the impression I fall head over heels for everyone because I really don’t! I just think 21/22 I just had this idea of this is what your supposed to do so I did it. But anyway ‘A’ was different. She’s a very committed girl, she wants the same things in life I do. I find her family values incredibly attractive! She’s so kind to everyone and I think that’s beautiful. We started dating! I thought, this could last me and her, we could have a real nice life! Anddddd then I met her best mate ‘C’... and I knew I was in trouble! I guess we just clicked, ‘A’ remarks all the time that we’re so similar (so you’d think we’d clash but we don’t). She’s funny! She’s also quite direct, black & white, but I like it. To be honest, I don’t know what it is, it isn’t one thing, it’s just that I feel about her like I haven’t about anyone.. I get those little flutters in my chest and I get excited when I know she’s gonna be there, I think about her! One day about 4 weeks later she smashed a glass in the kitchen, I went in she’d cut her hand up, I bandaged it and then there was this weird moment when I was just holding her hand and she was like ‘this is dangerous’, and I was like huh cause I didn’t realise till then she felt what I did. I said something or other about not knowing what to do and she went “we’re good people NAME, so I just have to keep being a good best friend and you a good boyfriend - that’s the only option” So that was that.. we never mentioned it again. But I still feel it... all the time! She’s been living with my girlfriend for certain bits of time, which on one hand I’ve loved, but on the other I hate because the guilt makes me feel like the worst person ever!! Now here we are in June.. ‘c’ broke down on the way back from a friends.. ‘A’ asked me if I’d go pick her up. So I did.. some backstreet at 1am pouring rain.. when I got there she burst into tears. I’ve never seen her cry (I think it was less the car and more the car on top of some family stuff she has going on), so I gave her a hug (hugging her was a mistake tbh). We got in the car and started to drive... She brought it up. She said “Look A is my best friend, she’s like my sister, I can’t walk away from this situation! But I don’t understand you! What are you going to do Badgers.. rent the house, marry her, have a car load of kids” Me: “you said it! We need to be good people” Her: “Jesus Christ Badgers! I say a lot of things! They’re words, they’re stupid words!! I didn’t realise.. I just thought, this, was nothing... I thought it would go away” Me: “I don’t want to hurt anyone” Her:”Badg I know! ...I know ........but, people hurt each other all the time right, they don’t always mean to, life’s messy.. but we go on! I’ve had my heartbroken, I lived! My parents are divorced - my dads divorced twice, I’m not destroyed by it! I know that people have really hurt you Badg, I know that’s the kind of hurt you carry, but that’s different, and you can’t what punish yourself your whole life for the sins of your forefathers!! ..You’re not your dad Badgers. You’re not your cousins. You’re a good person, right.. like you talk so loudly, and you fidget so much, and you’re never organised for anyything, and some of the stuff you say is so corny that honestly - you sound like my mum! [I was laughing now] ..You’re very irritating actually, but you’re a good person. And you need to believe that, because you can’t go through your whole like just going along with what any girl tells you to do. I love ‘A’ to pieces, I’d take a bullet for the girl, but honestly, you’re enough as you are Badgers, you deserve to live your life for you! Like what do you want!?” Me: “..You” (I feel horrendously bad about saying that tbh, but it was the truth)! She didn’t say anything for ages and then was like “It’s not that I don’t feel it too ..it’s just that you met her first, and there’s nothing that can change that! ...Trust me, I’ve played all the scenarios in my head” I didn’t really know what to say, so in the end I just started singing to the radio, and the rest of the drive was pretty uneventful. I dropped her home, walked her to the door, walked away. I keep thinking about that conversation thou.... I’m so confused, I try really hard to be a good boyfriend, to be all the things that I think a man should be, but am I still doing her a disservice because I do have eyes for someone else (that makes me sound like such a dog ) ...am I doing myself a disservice? But ‘A’’s a good person... I care about her spades and I have no desire to be single, or to be back part of dating culture. I don’t know.. venting I guess, there’s so much going round in my head!
stillafool Posted June 5, 2021 Posted June 5, 2021 (edited) You are not in love with your gf but another woman. This will come to a head soon because you can't live a lie. I don't think C is such a good friend to your gf or she never wouldn't have said those things to you and revealed her feelings. She says you met A first yet she was basically telling you to break up with her and so what if she gets hurt she'll get over it. If A is as nice as you say please break up with her so she can be free to be with another man who feels about her the way you do about her friend. Edited June 5, 2021 by stillafool 3
Acacia98 Posted June 5, 2021 Posted June 5, 2021 I guess this is part of the reality of monogamy. You can love one person and still be strongly attracted to others. IMO, if you want to give your current relationship a chance, you need to be honest with your girlfriend about the fact that you are strongly attracted to her best friend.
mark clemson Posted June 6, 2021 Posted June 6, 2021 3 hours ago, Badgers said: She didn’t say anything for ages and then was like “It’s not that I don’t feel it too ..it’s just that you met her first, and there’s nothing that can change that! ...Trust me, I’ve played all the scenarios in my head” This means that rationally she doesn't want this. Clearly emotionally she does to some extent and has been thinking about it. Whether rationality will rule her (and your) decision making at the end of the day remains to be seen. There is certainly something to be said for going with "love," but she may not want to take the hit on her friendship and probably on her rep with the rest of her social circle over this. Practical matters can frequently trump sentiment in life. Outcome remains to be seen. Given what you've written, I'd give it 50/50 odds either way. You are not married to your current GF, so switching is not the huge big deal it would become once there is that and/or kids. There are no guarantees in life and no guarantee that when you're 70 you'll look back on whatever choice you made here and decide it was the right one. But then again you might...
Author Badgers Posted June 6, 2021 Author Posted June 6, 2021 3 hours ago, mark clemson said: You are not married to your current GF, so switching is not the huge big deal it would become once there is that and/or kids. But it is to me! I’ve never broken up with a girl. I’ve stuck with every single relationship I’ve ever had to the bitter end. I don’t want to hurt anyone! I don’t want to be the kind of person that walks away from someone! I want to be a good person! I don’t want to be the kind of guy that would break her heart, that’s not who I’ve ever wanted to be 2
Author Badgers Posted June 6, 2021 Author Posted June 6, 2021 6 hours ago, Acacia98 said: I guess this is part of the reality of monogamy. You can love one person and still be strongly attracted to others. IMO, if you want to give your current relationship a chance, you need to be honest with your girlfriend about the fact that you are strongly attracted to her best friend. They’ve been best mates since they were like 6, I can’t destroy their relationship! And honestly like... we wouldn’t come back from that. I don’t want to be somebody that hurts somebody else like that! 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 6, 2021 Posted June 6, 2021 Why bother with "girls who want commitment", when you want to play the field? Stay away from both of them. This has trouble written all over it. Also when dating,try to skip the childhood wounds drama. It makes it seem like you're looking for pity/empathy to get an angle. You're a 26 y/o man now. Start there. A bad childhood isn't a license to be a player. Especially this unseemly scenario of coming on to the friends of whoever you are dating. 5
elaine567 Posted June 6, 2021 Posted June 6, 2021 "C" is trouble with a capital T. Some women love to try to steal the bf of their supposed best friend. Maybe because they are jealous of their friend having a nice bf or maybe they want to show her you can't be trusted, you and your gf split up, she gets her best friend back. Even if she is not playing such games, once she gets you, there is no guarantee she will want to keep you, or you will want to keep her, once the heat dissipates. You may be giving up a great girl for essentially nothing. You are being offered it on a plate here, but if you accept, the repercussions are awful for everyone. If this "great girl" is not enough for you then move cleanly on with a new girl, do not get involved in a mess with her best friend. 7
Acacia98 Posted June 6, 2021 Posted June 6, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Badgers said: They’ve been best mates since they were like 6, I can’t destroy their relationship! And honestly like... we wouldn’t come back from that. I don’t want to be somebody that hurts somebody else like that! Ultimately, you have to decide what your current relationship means to you and what you want out of it going forward. Perhaps your girlfriend is not the woman you're going to marry, in which case, ending things with her is an option. But if you're going to end things with her, do so in a way that preserves her dignity. Alternatively, perhaps your girlfriend is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. In that case, you can't afford to just sit back and passively allow her best friend's passionate feelings to dictate the situation. The way I see it, your girlfriend is going to find out that something's going on eventually because, the way you and her so-called best friend are carrying on, it's only a matter of time before you end up in bed together. So the question is this: do you want your girlfriend to find out from you when there's still time for her to make an active choice about how to handle the situation (e.g. by deciding to set the appropriate boundaries between her friendship and relationship or by choosing to end things with you) or do you want her to find out when you two have already betrayed her and there's nothing she can do about it? There are two facts working against your relationship right now: 1. You are actively maintaining a secret with a woman who isn't your girlfriend. 2. You didn't have the best relationship role models while growing up. Think about this. Edited June 6, 2021 by Acacia98 1 1
Acacia98 Posted June 6, 2021 Posted June 6, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Badgers said: But it is to me! I’ve never broken up with a girl. I’ve stuck with every single relationship I’ve ever had to the bitter end. I don’t want to hurt anyone! I don’t want to be the kind of person that walks away from someone! I want to be a good person! I don’t want to be the kind of guy that would break her heart, that’s not who I’ve ever wanted to be Sometimes hurting someone is inevitable when you're in a relationship with them. For example, realizing you're not right for each other and ending the relationship is bound to hurt the other person. But it is far kinder than staying in a relationship that is not working until the bitter end, at which point, you may have contempt for her, you may be abusive towards her, or you may cheat on her. In retrospect, one of the kindest things a guy I was dating did to me was to break up with me when he realized that the relationship was not working for him. And one of the cruelest things a guy I was dating did to me was to feign happiness when his heart was not really in the relationship. I got over the first situation pretty fast. The second situation messed me up for the longest time. It's possible that you have a lot to learn where relationships are concerned. Maybe some of the guys here can suggest good books for you to read or videos for you to watch (or some other materials) to help you make sense of what's emotionally healthy and what's not from a male perspective. Edited June 6, 2021 by Acacia98 1 2
lana-banana Posted June 6, 2021 Posted June 6, 2021 - Break up with A. I don't know whether C is someone worth pursuing, but if you fall for somebody while dating someone else---and I'm talking about real romance, not just lusting after somebody or having a mild crush---then your current relationship is not right for you. Keeping relationships going to "the bitter end" is not a good thing at all. It's far more important to know when something is no longer serving you. Frankly, saying you're holding on because you don't want to be single is reason enough to end it. - The focus both you and C have on being "good people" is also a bit melodramatic. You aren't married to A. You haven't even been dating a year! It is silly to act like you have to get married and settled just because A is a nice person. - You might break A's heart, you might not. Even if you do, it doesn't make you a bad person (unless you go about it in a hurtful way). Heartbreak and hurt feelings are a part of life. I can guarantee she will get over it and go on to lead a perfectly happy and productive life without you. - You are already unintentionally hurting A with this stuff. If you don't want to hurt her any more than you have to, break it off now. Even if you broke up and started dating C, that would still hurt her less than if you didn't break it off and she learned or believed you guys were going behind her back. You have gotten some very solid advice in this thread from @Acacia98. I would advise you to read and re-read their posts until it sinks in. 2
dramafreezone Posted June 6, 2021 Posted June 6, 2021 20 hours ago, Acacia98 said: I guess this is part of the reality of monogamy. You can love one person and still be strongly attracted to others. IMO, if you want to give your current relationship a chance, you need to be honest with your girlfriend about the fact that you are strongly attracted to her best friend. I think that if OP doesn't want to be with his GF anymore then he should end it. This thing with her best friend is never going to happen. At best, she's does have feelings for him but isn't going to risk her friendship for him (which I think is less likely). At worst, she's only attracted to him because her best friend has him, and once they're no longer together the forbidden nature of their interactions will be gone (which I think is more likely). 12 hours ago, elaine567 said: C" is trouble with a capital T. Some women love to try to steal the bf of their supposed best friend. Maybe because they are jealous of their friend having a nice bf or maybe they want to show her you can't be trusted, you and your gf split up, she gets her best friend back. Even if she is not playing such games, once she gets you, there is no guarantee she will want to keep you, or you will want to keep her, once the heat dissipates. Yes, I pretty much agree with all of this.
Author Badgers Posted June 6, 2021 Author Posted June 6, 2021 14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Why bother with "girls who want commitment", when you want to play the field? Stay away from both of them. This has trouble written all over it. Also when dating,try to skip the childhood wounds drama. It makes it seem like you're looking for pity/empathy to get an angle. You're a 26 y/o man now. Start there. A bad childhood isn't a license to be a player. Especially this unseemly scenario of coming on to the friends of whoever you are dating. Why bother with commenting like you know Jack about me or what I want from my life when clearly you don’t! I’ve never broken up with a girl in my life, I’ve never cheated, I’ve never even made a gf cry......player of the century me But yeah obviously can’t date a girl if her friends aren’t hot cause this is my life goal!
Author Badgers Posted June 6, 2021 Author Posted June 6, 2021 13 hours ago, Acacia98 said: Perhaps your girlfriend is not the woman you're going to marry, in which case, ending things with her is an option. But if you're going to end things with her, do so in a way that preserves her dignity. Alternatively, perhaps your girlfriend is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. In that case, you can't afford to just sit back and passively allow her best friend's passionate feelings to dictate the situation. The way I see it, your girlfriend is going to find out that something's going on eventually because, the way you and her so-called best friend are carrying on, it's only a matter of time before you end up in bed together I don’t want to end things! I don’t want to be the type of person that walks away from things because he feels like it. I want to be a good husband to someone, a good dad to someone, a good grandad! And all those things, mean loyal, mean commitment. That’s the bloke I want to be! Im not going to cheat on her!!!! If my question sounded like that, then I didn’t mean it to.. whoever it was and however I felt about them. I wouldn’t do it. I don’t actually think C ever would either but I wouldn’t be so bold as to speak for someone else. I just can guarantee that I wouldn’t
Author Badgers Posted June 6, 2021 Author Posted June 6, 2021 13 hours ago, Acacia98 said: Sometimes hurting someone is inevitable when you're in a relationship with them. For example, realizing you're not right for each other and ending the relationship is bound to hurt the other person. But it is far kinder than staying in a relationship that is not working until the bitter end, at which point, you may have contempt for her, you may be abusive towards her, or you may cheat on her. 9 hours ago, lana-banana said: - Break up with A. I don't know whether C is someone worth pursuing, but if you fall for somebody while dating someone else---and I'm talking about real romance, not just lusting after somebody or having a mild crush---then your current relationship is not right for you. Keeping relationships going to "the bitter end" is not a good thing at all. It's far more important to know when something is no longer serving you. Frankly, saying you're holding on because you don't want to be single is reason enough to end it. - The focus both you and C have on being "good people" is also a bit melodramatic. You aren't married to A. You haven't even been dating a year! It is silly to act like you have to get married and settled just because A is a nice person. - You might break A's heart, you might not. Even if you do, it doesn't make you a bad person (unless you go about it in a hurtful way). Heartbreak and hurt feelings are a part of life. I can guarantee she will get over it and go on to lead a perfectly happy and productive life without you. I understand what you’re saying, what you’re both saying, what C’s saying. I get it, I know that it’s not a sin to walk away from something if you’re not happy. I get the principle of letting someone free. And I’m not so pig headed to believe that A would be unable to live a beautiful happy life without me! And I understand that it’s just ‘silly’ to everyone else! ...But it isn’t silly to me. I don’t wanna be some bloke that chases after his heart all the time and leaves a path of destruction, I know it isn’t the greatest crime in the world, but I don’t want to live that life. I want to be committed, I want to be loyal, dependable. I want people to know that I would quit on them. C would never jeopardise her relationship with A. Their friendship will always rank first.. But even in another life, even if she would, I can’t be that guy!! It’s our choices that matter right, and I choose not to be that guy. I don’t think it makes you a ‘bad person’ but I want to hold myself to higher than that!!
Wiseman2 Posted June 6, 2021 Posted June 6, 2021 25 minutes ago, Badgers said: That’s the bloke I want to be! But you're not ready for that if you lust after women and especially your GF's friends. You are jumping ahead of yourself. No reason to want to be this or want to be that when in reality you are getting off on flirting with your GF's friend.
Author Badgers Posted June 6, 2021 Author Posted June 6, 2021 5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: But you're not ready for that if you lust after women and especially your GF's friends. You are jumping ahead of yourself. No reason to want to be this or want to be that when in reality you are getting off on flirting with your GF's friend. ‘Women’ is a plural word.. where exactly did you read that in what I’ve written?? Yeah yeah get off on it big time.. ...honestly whatever man, I’m over it 1
dramafreezone Posted June 7, 2021 Posted June 7, 2021 5 hours ago, Badgers said: C would never jeopardise her relationship with A. Their friendship will always rank first.. But even in another life, even if she would, I can’t be that guy!! It’s our choices that matter right, and I choose not to be that guy. I don’t think it makes you a ‘bad person’ but I want to hold myself to higher than that!! So C wouldn't partake in anything unbecoming of a friend, you wouldn't partake in anything unbecoming of a good boyfriend, sounds like you're good to go, right? Wha's the problem? 2
princessaurora Posted June 7, 2021 Posted June 7, 2021 I was in a similar situation years ago, and me and the guy decided to sacrifice what we wanted to keep their friendship in tact. But eventually his desire overrode his common sense and he tried to kiss me. I didn't reciprocate but the other guy still found out about it from other people who were there and he kicked him to the curb for betraying him. They had been friends since they were toddlers but he just couldn't forgive him for attempting to steal his girl. Trust me,this will blow up in your face if you continue on your current path. If you don't love A, you need to let her go. Don't stay with someone out of courtesy. She deserves better. But don't expect to get into a relationship with C. Even if she initially agrees to it, it'll destroy the bond she has with A and you do not want to be a part of that. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 7, 2021 Posted June 7, 2021 2 hours ago, princessaurora said: ,this will blow up in your face if you continue on your current path. If Agree. You're playing with fire. This kind of drama feels good while you believe 2 women are after you, but the whole thing won't end well. 1
mark clemson Posted June 7, 2021 Posted June 7, 2021 (edited) On 6/5/2021 at 10:42 PM, Badgers said: I don’t want to be the kind of guy that would break her heart, that’s not who I’ve ever wanted to be Alright, well if that's the case then don't. You may want to keep in mind that just because YOU "treat someone right" doesn't mean they will reciprocate in the long run. Relationships and reproduction is very serious business in a way, and people get screwed over in various ways all the time. Getting a truly "nice" partner is in part a matter of luck and their attitude and behaviors remaining consistently "nice" as they change over time (decades) is also in part a matter of luck. Just something to think about. You sound very well-intentioned (which is good), but also rather idealistic. Edited June 7, 2021 by mark clemson 1
dramafreezone Posted June 7, 2021 Posted June 7, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Agree. You're playing with fire. This kind of drama feels good while you believe 2 women are after you, but the whole thing won't end well. It's not even about him, that's what we guys don't realize. It's about her, on some unconscious level she's either attracted to the forbidden nature, or the challenge of seeing if she can wrest him from her best friend. As soon as he gave in she wouldn't want it anymore. If he didn't have the GF he wouldn't have the interest. No different from a guy friend's girlfriend that starts flirting with you, she finds that forbidden nature alluring, or just wants to see if she can get his best friend to betray him. I had a good friend that had an very beautiful girlfriend, and now she's flirting with me. Come on man, that's not just a coincidence. We guys get tricked into thinking we're such hot stuff all of a sudden. We're interchangable, swap another guy in his place and he's getting the same type of attention. Edited June 7, 2021 by dramafreezone
Calmandfocused Posted June 7, 2021 Posted June 7, 2021 On 6/6/2021 at 8:11 AM, elaine567 said: "C" is trouble with a capital T. Some women love to try to steal the bf of their supposed best friend. Maybe because they are jealous of their friend having a nice bf or maybe they want to show her you can't be trusted, you and your gf split up, she gets her best friend back. Even if she is not playing such games, once she gets you, there is no guarantee she will want to keep you, or you will want to keep her, once the heat dissipates. You may be giving up a great girl for essentially nothing. You are being offered it on a plate here, but if you accept, the repercussions are awful for everyone. If this "great girl" is not enough for you then move cleanly on with a new girl, do not get involved in a mess with her best friend. Elaine you couldn’t be more spot on! Op, I’m 42 now but back in my 20s I was “A”. The circumstances were a little different but it was a car crash and a nasty one ... Basically my (very jealous) best friend and my boyfriend (who was annoyed at me one particular evening) slept together. It was one of the biggest betrayals that ever happened to me and I devastated, more in relation to my best friend who I never thought would do such a thing. On top of sleeping together they decided that they should be together. But do you know what? Their relationship lasted one week! Yep! One flipping week! In essence it caused a lot of pain and misery for one weeks worth of sex. When they both came crawling back to me, I slammed that door firmly in both their faces. Eventually I forgave my friend but I never ever trusted her again and subsequently we grew apart. I moved on from her and got myself new friends. So my point is: proceed at your peril. You will not end up in bliss with the friend. All that will happen is that everyone’s life will be a misery. And yes, if you pursue the friend you will end up single, and I predict very very quickly. 1
Author Badgers Posted June 7, 2021 Author Posted June 7, 2021 15 hours ago, dramafreezone said: So C wouldn't partake in anything unbecoming of a friend, you wouldn't partake in anything unbecoming of a good boyfriend, sounds like you're good to go, right? Wha's the problem? Well, there’s not one as such.. we carry on as is status quo, same as I have been all this time. I guess having actually finally talked openly to C about it, I now have to realise that my status quo, my presence does make her life a bit more difficult. and I’m sorry for that. I do feel a bit bad for that ....but she’s alright, she’s okay.
Recommended Posts