Feelingslighted777 Posted June 5, 2021 Posted June 5, 2021 Been dating someone for a few months but because he works a lot, we wouldn't necessarily see each other every week/weekend but still we'd wouldn't go more than 2 weeks w/o seeing each other. He has been divorced for several years and is used to "doing his own thing" but has been involved with a few relationships. I, too, have been a widow for 10 years but once I was in a relationship I made time for my partner. My boyfriend currently makes plans to see "friends" in another town about an hour away often. He has told me quite a bit about these friends (married couple that owns their own vineyard) and while I appreciate he has no family left and these friends are his family it appears, he seems to make them a priority. He spent last holiday Sunday night and Monday with me and by mistake, took one of my car keys so when he realized it the following day, he said he'd come by Tuesday night. Then he backed out and said he'd rather take me to dinner and stay over Thursday night. Except we had terrible storms on Thursday so I told him we should postpone since I didn't want him to be driving in the bad weather. Then I heard nothing from him in terms of the weekend. This morning I sent him a text to come over and swim this weekend (I didn't say it had to be tonight) but he replied that he mentioned he was seeing his friends (same ones as above). He really didn't say that per se; he told me on Monday that he had been invited by his friends last weekend. He said otherwise he'd normally "love" to come over. I was hurt since he mentioned before that I'd meet his friends and there's been no invite. So I'm sitting around this weekend alone. I thought we were in a relationship after all these months (which has already become physical). If he really wanted to see me, he could alter his plans slightly and see his friends and me as well. One thing I've learned is that when a man really cares about you, they make time to see you. In any event, he replied that he's free and I "could have him" all next week (and we both work all week) and next weekend to which I replied "and as you know, I am busy all next weekend" (it's my daughters bridal shower at my home) and I invited him to a dinner the night before with some out of towners (so I said "guess I'll see you next Saturday then"). He replied "He's really looking forward to it." Now either, he really doesn't give a crap about my feelings or I'm being too sensitive (BTW, he still has my car keys). I understand now that the Thursday night invite was my "consolation prize" since he already knew he'd not be seeing my this weekend. I invited him to my daughter's wedding and he will be taking off of work that weekend to be with me. If the above are red flags, I need to jump out now b/c I don't want to play second fiddle to anyone after I make them a priority in my life.
ShyViolet Posted June 5, 2021 Posted June 5, 2021 1 hour ago, Feelingslighted777 said: If the above are red flags, I need to jump out now b/c I don't want to play second fiddle to anyone after I make them a priority in my life. I don't think it's accurate to say that they are "red flags", it's just that you have different expectations of this relationship than he does. He is content to keep things casual and to have his freedom to do what he wants. He is not interested in spending as much time together as you want to. That is probably not going to change. If you push to spend more time together, he will probably feel smothered and feel that you are being too clingy/annoying. If you are not ok with this, then it's totally your decision as to whether you want to end it. It's best to be up front about this now. If this causes you more disappointment and frustration than happiness, then just end it. 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 5, 2021 Posted June 5, 2021 2 hours ago, Feelingslighted777 said: Been dating someone for a few months but because he works a lot, we wouldn't necessarily see each other every week/weekend but still we'd wouldn't go more than 2 weeks w/o seeing each other. He has been divorced for several years and is used to "doing his own thing" but has been involved with a few relationships. I, too, have been a widow for 10 years but once I was in a relationship I made time for my partner. My boyfriend currently makes plans to see "friends" in another town about an hour away often. He has told me quite a bit about these friends (married couple that owns their own vineyard) and while I appreciate he has no family left and these friends are his family it appears, he seems to make them a priority. He spent last holiday Sunday night and Monday with me and by mistake, took one of my car keys so when he realized it the following day, he said he'd come by Tuesday night. Then he backed out and said he'd rather take me to dinner and stay over Thursday night. Except we had terrible storms on Thursday so I told him we should postpone since I didn't want him to be driving in the bad weather. Then I heard nothing from him in terms of the weekend. This morning I sent him a text to come over and swim this weekend (I didn't say it had to be tonight) but he replied that he mentioned he was seeing his friends (same ones as above). He really didn't say that per se; he told me on Monday that he had been invited by his friends last weekend. He said otherwise he'd normally "love" to come over. I was hurt since he mentioned before that I'd meet his friends and there's been no invite. So I'm sitting around this weekend alone. I thought we were in a relationship after all these months (which has already become physical). If he really wanted to see me, he could alter his plans slightly and see his friends and me as well. One thing I've learned is that when a man really cares about you, they make time to see you. In any event, he replied that he's free and I "could have him" all next week (and we both work all week) and next weekend to which I replied "and as you know, I am busy all next weekend" (it's my daughters bridal shower at my home) and I invited him to a dinner the night before with some out of towners (so I said "guess I'll see you next Saturday then"). He replied "He's really looking forward to it." Now either, he really doesn't give a crap about my feelings or I'm being too sensitive (BTW, he still has my car keys). I understand now that the Thursday night invite was my "consolation prize" since he already knew he'd not be seeing my this weekend. I invited him to my daughter's wedding and he will be taking off of work that weekend to be with me. If the above are red flags, I need to jump out now b/c I don't want to play second fiddle to anyone after I make them a priority in my life. There are no red flags. it’s early in the relationship , not ready to introduce you to friends. you are both older and have lives. it isn’t 20s anymore and drop everything for someone you date. At this time you find someone that fits in.
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2021 Posted June 5, 2021 (edited) How many months? If it's been 6 months and you don't feel a priority it's time to exit. To me sounds he's happy to have a woman to go to when he's around, l don't feel there is a sense of togetherness in your relationship. For some women it's enough, for others like me it would fall in the mediocre category and not enough. Edited June 5, 2021 by Gaeta 4
Datergirl Posted June 5, 2021 Posted June 5, 2021 It's only one weekend that he can't see you. He's taking the weekend off work to go your daughter's wedding so he definitely is making time for you, just not as much as you want. Why don't you make other plans when he is not around? Seems like you have more free time than he, ie, sitting around at home...if you had your own thing going on too you might not be so bothered? 1
dangerous Posted June 17, 2021 Posted June 17, 2021 On 6/5/2021 at 6:40 PM, Datergirl said: It's only one weekend that he can't see you. He's taking the weekend off work to go your daughter's wedding so he definitely is making time for you, just not as much as you want. Why don't you make other plans when he is not around? Seems like you have more free time than he, ie, sitting around at home...if you had your own thing going on too you might not be so bothered? This. I had a very similar situation, I was with my ex for 3 years. Sometimes I arranged days or weekends away to see old friends. Often I invited her, but sometimes it wasn't practical (eg. if she couldn't get her dog looked after0 or if I was only away for one evening and I'd say, i can see you the day before / after if you are free. She used to complain fairly often on these occasions saying: 1. I wasn't prioritising her. 2. The alternative nights I gave her showed she was my second choice! 3. She was left alone with nothing to do (despite her telling me previously she wanted to spend time with her dog, or female friends, or just alone-time). I'd say she was needy, and she did in fact have deep rooted self esteem issues from her background. Eventually we ended it but this was just one symptom of deeper issues. can I ask you, OP, do you have a history of being neglected or abused, and perhaps you suffer low self-esteem?
Wiseman2 Posted June 17, 2021 Posted June 17, 2021 On 6/5/2021 at 10:18 AM, Feelingslighted777 said: he replied that he's free and I "could have him" all next week Does this statement seem arrogant to you? 2
spiderowl Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 He just does not make you a priority in his life. He spends a lot of time with his friends. If I was excited about a guy, I would want to spend more time with him than once a fortnight. I'm sorry but he's just not as interested as you are. Also, in your position, I would be having doubts about these other 'friends' and wondering if he was meeting another woman. I would definitely be doing some investigating or would back off altogether and be unavailable to see him. It's just not worth the hassle of a non-relationship.
stillafool Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 If you guys are in a relationship I'm surprised he hasn't invited you to spend time with him and his friends. It would seem he would want them to meet you. A vinyard sounds like fun. It doesn't quite make sense to me.
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