I'm struggling.

[anon2]

Hi guys, I was wondering if anyone can help me. X and Y dated in 2018, and X broke up with Y in early 2019. Y moved on quickly to a FWB relationship to someone who ended up being Y's best friend. Y and X got back together in late 2019 and Y remained friends the past FWB. Y lied to X about where Y met the past FWB. X looked through Y's phone and past intimate messages to the FWB. X asked Y to stop being friends with the past FWB and would quiz Y about Y's past intimate messages to the FWB. Y would lie to X because Y didn't want X to know that info as it was Y's past. Y would lie as Y felt pressured to give an immediate answer. This happened over months. X would keep asking Y to end the friendship with past FWB but X thought being friends with the FWB was harmless. Seeing message notifications on Y's phone from past FWB would hurt X and X kept asking Y to end that friendship. X would get intrusive thoughts about Y being with other men, affecting X's mental health. X would feel suicidal about this. Y finally ended the friendship with past FWB as it was affecting X. This happened after 5 months after X and Y got back together. X and Y have been dating for almost 2 years now, but X still gets intrusive thoughts about Y being with other men. It deeply affects X's mental health. X has seen many psychologists and has taken medication in order to try and get past this but it is still affecting X until now. X and Y love each other deeply, but X keeps breaking up with Y and reminding Y of Y's past almost weekly as the bad feelings from the intrusive thoughts has been affecting X's mental health. How can I help X and Y? They have tried everything. Thank you. 

Edited June 4, 2021 by anon2
Added a word I forgot to write.

[basil67]

This is not love.  Love does not hang on to exes keeping them as close friends.   And love does dump someone and then get pissed about the choices their former partner made while they were single.  Honestly, the whole thing is toxic and if they want your advice, you should tell them that this has gotten to the point of being abusive and they need to break up.   Or if they don't break up, ask them to keep you out of it.  In short, a bit of tough love is in order

 

 

Edited June 4, 2021 by basil67

[anon2]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This is not love.  Love does not hang on to exes keeping them as close friends.   And love does dump someone and then get pissed about the choices their former partner made while they were single.  Honestly, the whole thing is toxic and if they want your advice, you should tell them that this has gotten to the point of being abusive and they need to break up.   Or if they don't break up, ask them to keep you out of it.  In short, a bit of tough love is in order

 

 

Thanks for the input, Basil. I think it's more complex than that, and I care for them both deeply so I am collecting as much advice as I can. 

Edited June 4, 2021 by anon2

[basil67]

How is it more complex?   I'm really hoping that you're not the 'friend' of Y

Edited June 4, 2021 by basil67

[anon2]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

How is it more complex?   I'm really hoping that you're not the 'friend' of Y

No, not the friend of Y. Just a close friend of both X and Y. I think there is hope for both of them as they love each other deeply and they are both actively trying, that's why I am hesitant to just tell them to break up. If not for this issue, they have an otherwise great relationship. 

[basil67]

If they really want to fix it, then Y needs to give up the friendship.  And X must promise to never speak of it again.  NEVER. EVER.

[basil67]

Sorry, PS:  Just how close is Y to the ex-FWB?   Are we talking daily texting here....or FB friends who rarely contact each other.

Edited June 4, 2021 by basil67

[Sun Seeker]

 

What a terrible relationship, they are clearly not good for each other.

You do nothing, it has nothing to do with you. Let them sort it out themselves.

By sort it out they need to break up for good. A happy long term relationship does not involve breaking up and getting back together and all this drama.

[anon2]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sorry, PS:  Just how close is Y to the ex-FWB?   Are we talking daily texting here....or FB friends who rarely contact each other.

Y ended the friendship with the FWB more than a year ago already and has had no contact ever since. Yes, I agree. Y has been open with X, even allowing X access to Y's phone. So right now, it is the pain from the intrusive thoughts that X has that is causing a strain in their relationship. 

[anon2]

23 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

 

What a terrible relationship, they are clearly not good for each other.

You do nothing, it has nothing to do with you. Let them sort it out themselves.

By sort it out they need to break up for good. A happy long term relationship does not involve breaking up and getting back together and all this drama.

I know it has nothing to do with me. I'm just wanting to help them out. If breaking up for good was an option, it would've happened already. 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, anon2 said:

Y ended the friendship with the FWB more than a year ago already and has had no contact ever since. Yes, I agree. Y has been open with X, even allowing X access to Y's phone. So right now, it is the pain from the intrusive thoughts that X has that is causing a strain in their relationship. 

Wait....what?   If Y has done all they can to rectify the situation, and this is still happening a year later, she needs to now start protecting herself and putting down some boundaries around X's behaviour.  

I understand that this has become a mental health issue for X, but it's still toxic.  

Edited June 4, 2021 by basil67

[anon2]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Wait....what?   If Y has done all they can to rectify the situation, and this is still happening a year later, she needs to now start protecting herself and putting down some boundaries around X's behaviour.  

I understand that this has become a mental health issue for X, but it's still toxic.  

Yes, 6 months into their relationship, Y completely ended the friendship with the ex-FWB. Yet X is still feeling pain from intrusive thoughts of Y being with men, even if Y has done everything to try and rectify the situation. X's mental health is being affected, and so is Y's. They have tried so much already. They haven't tried relationship counselling yet or tried moving in together yet. I'm trying to help them because they both are trying and they love each other very much. X doesn't choose the intrusive thoughts, they just come in waves randomly. 

[elaine567]

Second chances often don't work.
The reasons for the original break up can pale into insignificance when compared to the insecurity, jealousy, and mind movies generated when their SO sleeps with another after they broke up.  Trust is then broken too. "Why didn't she pine for me, miss me and beg for me back instead of finding a FWB to replace me?"
"Was I really that dispensable?" What does love actually mean to her?"...

The rumination, the what ifs, buts and maybes can send anyone crazy,
That is why for most, a clean break and a fresh start with someone else, is the best option.

No one should remain in a relationship that is affecting their mental health adversely.

[anon2]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Second chances often don't work.
The reasons for the original break up can pale into insignificance when compared to the insecurity, jealousy, and mind movies generated when their SO sleeps with another after they broke up.  Trust is then broken too. "Why didn't she pine for me, miss me and beg for me back instead of finding a FWB to replace me?"
"Was I really that dispensable?" What does love actually mean to her?"...

The rumination, the what ifs, buts and maybes can send anyone crazy,
That is why for most, a clean break and a fresh start with someone else, is the best option.

No one should remain in a relationship that is affecting their mental health adversely.

Thanks for the reply Elaine. I was hoping to find a solution for them but from what I'm reading, it seems hopeless. I feel sad for both of my friends. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, anon2 said:

 How can I help X and Y? They have tried everything. Thank you. 

Are you X or Y in this scenario? If not let them sort it out.

Whether you are X or Y, it would be best to end it for good and stay away from each other.

You're not compatible and on/off, fwb, mental health, etc issues are making both X and Y unhappier and unhealthier.

[anon2]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you X or Y in this scenario? If not let them sort it out.

Whether you are X or Y, it would be best to end it for good and stay away from each other.

You're not compatible and on/off, fwb, mental health, etc issues are making both X and Y unhappier and unhealthier.

No, I'm not. I am a close friend trying to find any solution for them. Thanks for the input.  

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, anon2 said:

I am a close friend trying to find any solution for them. 

It's their business. What is your stake in this?

You need to stay in your own lane and not try to control either of them.

If you don't want to listen to them complaining, distance yourself from this.

In fact, just distance yourself altogether.

[anon2]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's their business. What is your stake in this?

You need to stay in your own lane and not try to control either of them.

If you don't want to listen to them complaining, distance yourself from this.

In fact, just distance yourself altogether.

Mate, I have nothing to gain from this. I'm not trying to control either of them either. I haven't given any advice, I just listen. They are simply close friends of mine. I'm just wondering if anyone has gone through something similar, that's all. 

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, anon2 said:

They have tried everything. Thank you. 

It's good of you to care so much. But they haven't tried everything. You indicate that they haven't tried relationship counselling. And they haven't tried ending the relationship for good.

More to the point, they haven't taken responsibility for their emotions and choices. There's a sense in your post that they're kind of helpless, but they really are not. For example, if this relationship is causing X to feel suicidal, he needs to make the choice to end the relationship for good and to deal with the heartbreak that comes with that. And Y needs to stop taking him back all the time and to deal with the heartbreak that comes with the end of their relationship. You need to disengage and let them figure stuff out for themselves once you've shared the advice from this forum.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, anon2 said:

, I have nothing to gain from this.  They are simply close friends of mine. 

Excellent. Then just step back. Only they can decide what they want to do.

If listening is getting to be too much, scale it back and get more involved in your own life and relationships.

Stay busy with work, school, family, hobbies, sports, classes, groups, clubs, etc. and you won't want to live vicariously through their drama.

[anon2]

21 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

It's good of you to care so much. But they haven't tried everything. You indicate that they haven't tried relationship counselling. And they haven't tried ending the relationship for good.

More to the point, they haven't taken responsibility for their emotions and choices. There's a sense in your post that they're kind of helpless, but they really are not. For example, if this relationship is causing X to feel suicidal, he needs to make the choice to end the relationship for good and to deal with the heartbreak that comes with that. And Y needs to stop taking him back all the time and to deal with the heartbreak that comes with the end of their relationship. You need to disengage and let them figure stuff out for themselves once you've shared the advice from this forum.

I know that Y has taken responsibility for Y's actions. I made this post wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation before. I'm not interfering in X and Y's relationship. I don't give them any advice. I just listen. They are both my good friends and it breaks my heart that they haven't yet found a solution, without the solution being breaking up for good. 

[anon2]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Then just step back. Only they can decide what they want to do.

If listening is getting to be too much, scale it back and get more involved in your own life and relationships.

Stay busy with work, school, family, hobbies, sports, classes, groups, clubs, etc. and you won't want to live vicariously through their drama.

Again, I haven't given them any advice and I am not interfering in their relationship. Listening is not too much for me as I'm always happy to lend an ear. I'm not living vicariously through their drama. These are two very real people going through something really difficult, so classifying this as drama makes this seem like something trivial. I was just hoping to see if anyone else in this relationship forum has been through the same thing. 

[introverted1]

Assuming you are neither X nor Y, this is not your issue to address.

Even if we assume you are neither party and accept that you just care deeply about these people, the reality is that your role as a friend is to listen and provide a sounding board, not to solve the problem for them.  Further, if you are indeed friends with both X and Y, it is likely you will ruin the friendship with at least one if your advice takes the form of advising one or both that their relationship is toxic and should end.

As for whether anyone on this board has seen dysfunctional relationships posted about here, the answer is:  yes, frequently. The consensus is typically that the relationship needs to end and one or both parties should seek counseling for their role in the dynamic.  In this case, it sounds as though that would be X. And before you say they've tried and it hasn't worked, this just means they need to keep trying until it does.

[anon2]

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Assuming you are neither X nor Y, this is not your issue to address.

Even if we assume you are neither party and accept that you just care deeply about these people, the reality is that your role as a friend is to listen and provide a sounding board, not to solve the problem for them.  Further, if you are indeed friends with both X and Y, it is likely you will ruin the friendship with at least one if your advice takes the form of advising one or both that their relationship is toxic and should end.

As for whether anyone on this board has seen dysfunctional relationships posted about here, the answer is:  yes, frequently. The consensus is typically that the relationship needs to end and one or both parties should seek counseling for their role in the dynamic.  In this case, it sounds as though that would be X. And before you say they've tried and it hasn't worked, this just means they need to keep trying until it does.

Thanks introverted1. I haven't given any advice yet. Yes, I know it's not my issue to solve, and it's none of my business, nor is it my issue to address. I know that they are trying until a solution is found. I appreciate the input, thank you.  

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Assuming you are neither X nor Y, this is not your issue to address.

Agree. Just curious why you need 'similar stories' or solutions for them, if you plan on 'just listening'?