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Is he showing claiming behavior and is that something to worry about

Michelle123446

By Michelle123446,
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Michelle123446

Michelle123446

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So trying to make this as short as possible. I have a friend, known him for 12 years now. Met through a mutual hobby. He had been in a very suffocating relationship with a bipolar very jealous woman, years back. After his divorce. So he doesn't know if he ever wants to be in a relationship again eventhough we established that we do like eachother. I am not sure if I want a relationship so that is fine by me. Sometimes, since we talked about our feelings towards each other, he can be a little flirty and sometimes he hugs me when he leaves but only when we are alone.

Then the other day we ran into a mutual hobby friend outside a convention centre and while we were talking to her. He randomly started touching and squeezing my shoulder while talking to her, when he'd say something that involved me and he actually hugged me before he got in his car, while our friend was watching. I told her that he had never done that before in such an obvious way and I wasn't sure what was going on. She, said that it looked like he was claiming me and that it wasn't good behavior. Like he wanted to make sure she knew I was with him or something. Could this behavior possibly be something negative and how so? She is not a lesbian and neither am I so why would it matter if I was with him. But it does keep me thinking what she meant by that. I thought it was kind of cute but what do I know. 

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basil67

basil67

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One of my parrots does that to the other one if we go near. It's definitely territory marking behaviour.   Fortunately, your guy is not a parrot.... which is lucky because part of that behaviour involves regurgitating into the other parrot's mouth.

As your guy is human and you're (assumably) not bi, then I think it's affection.  Now, whether he's interested or INTERESTED is a different story.  See if he does it again the next time you meet.  If so, it could be time to have a conversation soon.

 

 

 

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Michelle123446

Michelle123446

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1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Hahahaha, thank you for your advice. Yes I am defenately not bi. So why he thought he needed to show our friend we were there together... 🤷‍♀️ I am just going to hope and assume he doesn't think we are parrots (even if only because of the regurgitating part) and assume that this was a one time thing and not some territory marking behaviour. 😂

One of my parrots does that to the other one if we go near. It's definitely territory marking behaviour.   Fortunately, your guy is not a parrot.... which is lucky because part of that behaviour involves regurgitating into the other parrot's mouth.

As your guy is human and you're (assumably) not bi, then I think it's affection.  Now, whether he's interested or INTERESTED is a different story.  See if he does it again the next time you meet.  If so, it could be time to have a conversation soon.

 

 

 

 

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basil67

basil67

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I'm glad my humour hit the spot.   How would you feel if this is a show of genuine affection?

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Michelle123446

Michelle123446

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19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm glad my humour hit the spot.   How would you feel if this is a show of genuine affection?

Hahaah, yes it made me chuckle. Thank you for that. If this is a show of genuine affection. We would have a problem. I mean yes, I have always liked him. And he likes me too. But it has been emotionally tiring at times. It can be tough really liking someone who hasn't been available for 10 years of the 12 years that I have know him. But those things happen and it's not like I only thought of him or something. I valued our friendship more and enjoyed the times we would hang out. But I really got to know him over the last year because of me moving house. And I realized we have nothing in common besides our mutual hobby. Nothing at all. And still our friendship is more important. 

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basil67

basil67

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Oh, so he was with someone else for 10 of 12 years?    Is he still with them now...or been broken up for two years?

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Wiseman2

Wiseman2

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3 hours ago, Michelle123446 said:

. She, said that it looked like he was claiming me and that it wasn't good behavior.  

Do you have a crush on him? Would you like to be more than friends?

What is "claiming behavior". If you mean possessive or territorial, that's a red flag 🚩.

It may be time to have firmer boundaries if all you want is friendship.

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Michelle123446

Michelle123446

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5 hours ago, basil67 said:

Oh, so he was with someone else for 10 of 12 years?    Is he still with them now...or been broken up for two years?

Yes, he was married when we first met. And he has now been divorced for 8 years I think. And he did have a girlfriend 4 years ago. Fro I think 2 years. I do have to add that we have known eachother for 12 years but we sometimes would not see or email eachother for years. It's just since the last 2 years that we would talk on a daily basis (he is usually the one sending the first message) and he wants to come around for coffee almost every weekend.

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Michelle123446

Michelle123446

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4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you have a crush on him? Would you like to be more than friends?

What is "claiming behavior". If you mean possessive or territorial, that's a red flag 🚩.

It may be time to have firmer boundaries if all you want is friendship.

No, I do not want to be more than friends. Especially not when it is claiming behaviour like our friend said. Just trying to figure out what that means. Hahahahah

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chillii

chillii

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He might've thought she was eyeing him off but anyway it doesn't really matter the main thing is l think he might have more than just friends ticking over in there now .  Could be need for a talk sometime down the track .

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usa1ah

usa1ah

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If this is how you truly feel about him, it would be better to let him know this. It is hard not to fall for someone that you are always with. 
 

Sometimes a friendship ends because one can’t keep deeper feelings from developing. 

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Wiseman2

Wiseman2

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On 6/4/2021 at 10:47 AM, Michelle123446 said:

 claiming behaviour like our friend said. Just trying to figure out what that means.

Never heard of "claiming behavior"  either. Whatever it is, if you are just friends great, if you are not dating great, so don't worry about it.

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basil67

basil67

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While I don't know if the term "claiming behaviour" is a common phrase, it's totally a thing.  And with humans as well as my parrots.   It's when an insecure partner perceives a threat to the bond uses physical actions such as hugging, hand holding and kisses to demonstrate ownership of their partner.  'this person is mine. stay away'  Only thing is that in this context, claiming the partner doesn't make sense because the friend is female and nobody is gay/bi

 

 

 

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