ItsTheDay Posted June 3, 2021 Posted June 3, 2021 Ok, so I've been recently single now for almost 2 months from an 8 year relationship. I joined a new gym a month ago, met someone there. We recently went out on a date, all went good. She then wanted to get together the next day, and we did. I ended up spending the night that night, even got together the next day and spent the night again. We were texting every now and then up to our first date, after that it's been non stop texting. She's 6 years younger than me, I feel as if she's too young but my friends tell me different. I don't know what to make of all this or even how I feel about it, but I can't help to feel this is nothing more than a rebound. She's been single for some time now, but I feel things are being rushed but in a way I like it. It's something that started to lack in my pervious relationship, so maybe this is just filling that void? There are a few things I don't like about her, but overall she is a pretty nice person and has an amazing body. She is really into me and it is a nice feeling to feel wanted and focused on, but I believe all that is too soon. I've been talking to a friend about this, and he just tells me to ride it out and enjoy it but I can't help to think about how ugly it'll get in the end if I'm still not feeling it and it continues to feel like a rebound. I haven't talked to her about what this is, or what her intentions are with me. I know I should, but I'm kind of afraid to talk about it. She has told me already that she really enjoys spending time with me and hopes I feel the same and I told her I do, too. I'm not lying, but I'm just unsure if I'll feel anything past that.
Versacehottie Posted June 3, 2021 Posted June 3, 2021 I'm guessing it is the classic that you aren't ready yet to date and/or she just isn't "it" for you. Usually that happens in combination if it's just toooo soon after a serious relationship. I think you should just tell her. I'm not saying she will understand but IMO if you are feeling "rushed" it doesn't usually get better from that feeling. Also if you try to "step back" or hold back it usually upset things so much that it becomes the drama you were trying to avoid. My suggestions is to break it off with the reason that it is just too soon after your relationship and you need time to be single and sort yourself out. Clean break and don't string her along and then if you really are feeling it enough to date her legitimately, you can attempt to get back together. I actually know a few couples that did exactly this and things are great. But they wouldn't have been if they kept trying if one of them wasn't ready to date (not in headspace, didn't appreciate the value of the other person). It feels like this is where you are now at least or perhaps you aren't into her really at all like that--in both cases the best thing to do is break it off. Good luck 3
Mrin Posted June 3, 2021 Posted June 3, 2021 "Hey there. So I always want to be straight with you. I think you're amazing and have really been enjoying our time together. You also know that I recently got out of a multi-year relationship. Truth be told... I'm still feeling the after effects of it. I worry that I'm not emotionally ready for another serious relationship. There is a "numbness" that is hard to describe. I do t like it. And don't like it even more because I've met this wonderful woman (you) and it makes me angry that my heart won't engage to the level I want it to. Anyhow, I just wanted to be honest with you and NOT screw this up. I don't know what the solution is... Is it slow down? Proceed with caution? Take a breather? I dunno. I do know that any relationship starts and ends with transparency and trust. And so I would love to talk this through with you and we can see where we want to take this knowing about my wounded heart and all"
dramafreezone Posted June 3, 2021 Posted June 3, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: he just tells me to ride it out and enjoy it but I can't help to think about how ugly it'll get in the end if I'm still not feeling it and it continues to feel like a rebound. I haven't talked to her about what this is, or what her intentions are with me. I know I should, but I'm kind of afraid to talk about it. She has told me already that she really enjoys spending time with me and hopes I feel the same and I told her I do, too. I'm not lying, but I'm just unsure if I'll feel anything past that. I agree with your friend, just enjoy yourself. If she asks, tell her that you don't want anything serious and that if she does then you should go your separate ways. Don't be deceptive, it's completely fine to want casual and you're not a bad person for not wanting to go full speed ahead towards another relationship. But I wouldn't bring it up if she doesn't. You can't read her mind, she may just be in this as a casual thing too, and just saying "hey, I don't want anything serious" out of the blue is just weird. Edited June 3, 2021 by dramafreezone
Author ItsTheDay Posted June 3, 2021 Author Posted June 3, 2021 21 minutes ago, Mrin said: "Hey there. So I always want to be straight with you. I think you're amazing and have really been enjoying our time together. You also know that I recently got out of a multi-year relationship. Truth be told... I'm still feeling the after effects of it. I worry that I'm not emotionally ready for another serious relationship. There is a "numbness" that is hard to describe. I do t like it. And don't like it even more because I've met this wonderful woman (you) and it makes me angry that my heart won't engage to the level I want it to. Anyhow, I just wanted to be honest with you and NOT screw this up. I don't know what the solution is... Is it slow down? Proceed with caution? Take a breather? I dunno. I do know that any relationship starts and ends with transparency and trust. And so I would love to talk this through with you and we can see where we want to take this knowing about my wounded heart and all" This is exactly true. I was second guessing if I was emotionally ready or not, I mean I knew deep down I wasn't but I was having second thoughts since we have pretty good texting conversations, every now and then we see each other at the gym and our dates have been really good and I enjoyed her presence. The first night I spent the night, we tired to have sex but it just wasn't happening. I mean, her body is perfect so it was a dead giveaway I wasn't emotionally ready. 6 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: I agree with your friend, just enjoy yourself. If she asks, tell her that you don't want anything serious and that if she does then you should go your separate ways. Don't be deceptive, it's completely fine to want casual and you're not a bad person for not wanting to go full speed ahead towards another relationship. But I wouldn't bring it up if she doesn't. You can't read her mind, she may just be in this as a casual thing too, and just saying "hey, I don't want anything serious" out of the blue is just weird. That's when I'm leaning towards, I'm just trying to prepare for it if she ever does bring it up.
Mrin Posted June 3, 2021 Posted June 3, 2021 3 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said: The first night I spent the night, we tired to have sex but it just wasn't happening. I mean, her body is perfect so it was a dead giveaway I wasn't emotionally ready. Yeah. Although that can happen regardless of wounded hearts. For some men, switching lovers can cause certain things to not work at the start.
ShyViolet Posted June 3, 2021 Posted June 3, 2021 If you enjoy spending time with her, you don't have to completely stop seeing her. However, you absolutely do need to tell her that you are not ready for a relationship. Tell her that you like her and you enjoy spending time together but you are not ready for an actual relationship and you want to be honest with her about that. For all you know maybe she feels the same way and will be ok with continuing to just see each other casually. However, she might be hurt by you telling her this and she might decide to end things completely. That will be up to her. But you need to tell her this.... immediately. Don't let another day go by. 4
Wiseman2 Posted June 3, 2021 Posted June 3, 2021 5 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: I've been talking to a friend about this, and he just tells me to ride it out and enjoy it but I can't help to think about how ugly it'll get in the end if I'm still not feeling it and it continues to feel like a rebound. You're right. Don't string her along. Your approach is better than your friend's suggestion. Be as honest (but tactful) as you were in your post. Tell her a variation of "enjoy her company but it's too soon for you to think of a relationship". This way, she's fully informed and can decide for herself . 2
FudgeSwirl Posted June 4, 2021 Posted June 4, 2021 I agree with everybody regarding being upfront even though it seems scary. Since you have only known her a month and it's not like this is inclusive, it's completely okay as well as important to be upfront regarding what you want and are feeling. She might also just want a casual relationship for a while but if she is looking for something more serious, then the ball is in her court regarding whether she should continue to pursue you or not. 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 4, 2021 Posted June 4, 2021 6 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: This is exactly true. I was second guessing if I was emotionally ready or not, I mean I knew deep down I wasn't but I was having second thoughts since we have pretty good texting conversations, every now and then we see each other at the gym and our dates have been really good and I enjoyed her presence. The first night I spent the night, we tired to have sex but it just wasn't happening. I mean, her body is perfect so it was a dead giveaway I wasn't emotionally ready. That's when I'm leaning towards, I'm just trying to prepare for it if she ever does bring it up. you won’t know if you are ready until you date. you are past the point of no return here. are you not attracted to her? Or do you feel you aren’t ready yet?
MsJayne Posted June 4, 2021 Posted June 4, 2021 I'd avoid spending too much of your leisure time with her and I wouldn't sleep with her every time you get together, because those are two things that give people the impression they're in a relationship even if it hasn't been verbalised. Another way of putting it is, if you don't see yourself in a relationship with the person, stop acting like you're in a relationship with the person. For a lot of women sleeping with someone is what they do when they're highly attracted, and taking advantage of that when you know you're not really interested is actually a rather cruel thing to do. At least you have the decency to question yourself. 1
introverted1 Posted June 4, 2021 Posted June 4, 2021 23 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: Ok, so I've been recently single now for almost 2 months from an 8 year relationship. I joined a new gym a month ago, met someone there. We recently went out on a date, all went good. She then wanted to get together the next day, and we did. I ended up spending the night that night, even got together the next day and spent the night again. We were texting every now and then up to our first date, after that it's been non stop texting. If I'm reading this correctly, you had dates 3 days in a row, with sex/overnights on dates 2 and 3? I agree with the people telling you to have a conversation with her sooner rather than later. The bolded above makes this especially important, imo, because you two seem to be barrelling ahead at a pace that would be unsustainable even if you were emotionally ready. 1
smackie9 Posted June 4, 2021 Posted June 4, 2021 (edited) Is she aware you are fresh out of a relationship? If not bring it up, and say you are still healing. She will get the hint. If not just tell her this is moving way too fast, and you are unsure about things. I guess it's a difficult thing to talk about but, the sooner the better. let us know how it goes. And we will add more advice if needed. I hope it goes well for you. You never know she may not be into something serious either and this is just how she rolls. Edited June 4, 2021 by smackie9
Author ItsTheDay Posted June 7, 2021 Author Posted June 7, 2021 On 6/3/2021 at 8:16 PM, Ami1uwant said: you won’t know if you are ready until you date. you are past the point of no return here. are you not attracted to her? Or do you feel you aren’t ready yet? I am attracted to her, her body is amazing but I think it's more of a physical attraction. I do enjoy how she treats me but I'm at the point where if she said she's not interested anymore, I would fine with that. On 6/4/2021 at 1:17 AM, MsJayne said: I'd avoid spending too much of your leisure time with her and I wouldn't sleep with her every time you get together, because those are two things that give people the impression they're in a relationship even if it hasn't been verbalised. Another way of putting it is, if you don't see yourself in a relationship with the person, stop acting like you're in a relationship with the person. For a lot of women sleeping with someone is what they do when they're highly attracted, and taking advantage of that when you know you're not really interested is actually a rather cruel thing to do. At least you have the decency to question yourself. I agree with everything you said, we both haven't talked about "what this is" and I guess I'm waiting for her to bring it up but I guess I have to be the one. On 6/4/2021 at 7:53 AM, introverted1 said: If I'm reading this correctly, you had dates 3 days in a row, with sex/overnights on dates 2 and 3? I agree with the people telling you to have a conversation with her sooner rather than later. The bolded above makes this especially important, imo, because you two seem to be barrelling ahead at a pace that would be unsustainable even if you were emotionally ready. That's correct but the first night I spent the night the sex happened but it didn't happen, if you know what I mean. I just had a lot on my mind and it wasn't working out. On 6/4/2021 at 10:47 AM, smackie9 said: Is she aware you are fresh out of a relationship? If not bring it up, and say you are still healing. She will get the hint. If not just tell her this is moving way too fast, and you are unsure about things. I guess it's a difficult thing to talk about but, the sooner the better. let us know how it goes. And we will add more advice if needed. I hope it goes well for you. You never know she may not be into something serious either and this is just how she rolls. She is aware that I'm fresh out of a relationship and I'm pretty sure she wants something serious out of this. The dead giveaway was some of the text I received during this weekend. I was out of town and she texted me "miss you", "wish you were here", "need you here". She did apologize about those text and said she went to a friends house and had a few drinks. I just told her it was fine and not to worry about it.
smackie9 Posted June 7, 2021 Posted June 7, 2021 10 hours ago, ItsTheDay said: She is aware that I'm fresh out of a relationship and I'm pretty sure she wants something serious out of this. The dead giveaway was some of the text I received during this weekend. I was out of town and she texted me "miss you", "wish you were here", "need you here". She did apologize about those text and said she went to a friends house and had a few drinks. I just told her it was fine and not to worry about it. That right there was a lie though...why did you say it was ok when it wasn’t. you should have taken that as an opportunity to say something. You just gave her the wrong impression. I think you should go back to her bring up those texts as an opening to discuss that you should back off. 1
BeanCounter Posted June 7, 2021 Posted June 7, 2021 Honestly, feel like I'm in the minority here, but I think even keeping things casual at this point is kind of leading her on. Saying "I'm just not ready for a relationship" gives an implication at some point given the time you will be ready for a relationship with HER, which from the sounds of everything you have said, I personally don't think you're ever going to want. Maybe I just don't know enough, and you truly do think at some point you might see yourself legitimately dating this person, but it really does not sound like it. There is nothing wrong with casual sex/dating if it's known by both parties, but it really sounds like you want that and she does not, and saying "I'm just not emotionally there yet" is still leading her on in some fashion, assuming everything I've said is true.
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