What to do When Your Partner Doesn't Want Your Dog in the Bed/Bedroom

[basil67]

Yes, I was thinking that you could put a worn tshirt or pajama around a soft toy for puppy to snuggle up to.

[anthon]

I personally if we were together wouldn't want the dog in bed with us.It not a matter of I don't like the dog. I just don't  want the bed where we spend time together smelling like a dog. As far as family. it's a dog. they come and they go. but a Good Bf  can turn into something else, possibly for a life time. which is more important?

[elaine567]

But a bf who doesn't want a dog in the bed is not a good bf for  the OP.
The OP is a woman who has had dogs all her life, she is not going to be happy to modify how she treats them, to satisfy some guy who is not used to animals, and is therefore  intolerant.
 

[basil67]

To be fair, my dog trainer (who specialised in humane training) taught me that dogs have to be at the bottom of the pack when it comes to domestic behaviour.  Not tolerating an animal being equal to a human doesn't necessarily equal 'intolerance'.   It could simply be an understanding of dog training.   

That said, I totally agree that he's not a good fit for the OP.   Issues like this are the reason why TV shows such as "It's Me or the Dog" exist.

Edited June 4, 2021 by basil67

[Allupinnit]

16 hours ago, salparadise said:

She only has to choose between the boyfriend and the dog in the bed –– he's not telling her to get rid of the dog. She figures he'll cave and she gets her way, however, what she's not realizing is that by prioritizing the dog and her wants she is eroding the goodwill in this relationship. Maybe he doesn't mean enough to her for her to care, but I think she's just being short-sighted and naive.

What do you mean "get her way"?  They don't live together.  It's her home, her bed, her dog, therefore HER way.  

I'm sorry that it was such a point of contention between you and your ex, but lots of men don't mind.  I asked my H last night what would happen if he met someone new and she didn't like our golden on the bed (thinking about this thread) and he flat out said they'd be incompatible.  And this is a man who grew up with parents who kept their poor dog in the garage at all times.

If the bf wants to move in, start paying for half the bills, then he can have a say.  For heaven's sake it's a CHIHUAHUA.  The size of a large rodent.  I doubt dude is getting crowded.

[SumGuy]

9 hours ago, anthon said:

...I just don't  want the bed where we spend time together smelling like a dog.  As far as family. it's a dog. they come and they go. but a Good Bf  can turn into something else, possibly for a life time. which is more important?

Simple solution for that, give the dog a bath...and after all you are washing your bedding once a week anyway are you not?  As far as BF or GF, dogs are loyal.  Sure dogs "come and go" but they go only when they die, like 10+ years and they are loyal to the day they die.  In my life expereince, dogs are much more reliable than people.  Yes a BF or GF can turn into a life long partner, that is why it is important to have one you are compatible with, this BF here is not sounding like it. 

He needs to have good objective reasons to even begin to tell her how to raise her dog.  He doesn't, just his preference and a very incompatible one at that.

So he doesn't sound like all that "good" of a BF.  How you treat the other, resolve differences and the thought process you have that makes you feel you are "right" is what makes for good.   He feels he is "right" because he thinks his feelings equal facts...never a good sign.  Recall this is a very small and likely very clean dog.

Edited June 4, 2021 by SumGuy

[Allupinnit]

23 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Simple solution for that, give the dog a bath...and after all you are washing your bedding once a week anyway are you not?  As far as BF or GF, dogs are loyal.  Sure dogs "come and go" but they go only when they die, like 10+ years and they are loyal to the day they die.  In my life expereince, dogs are much more reliable than people.  Yes a BF or GF can turn into a life long partner, that is why it is important to have one you are compatible with, this BF here is not sounding like it. 

He needs to have good objective reasons to even begin to tell her how to raise her dog.  He doesn't, just his preference and a very incompatible one at that.

So he doesn't sound like all that "good" of a BF.  How you treat the other, resolve differences and the thought process you have that makes you feel you are "right" is what makes for good.   He feels he is "right" because he thinks his feelings equal facts...never a good sign.  Recall this is a very small and likely very clean dog.

My old lady is now 13 and is my longest-running relationship.  SHE was the constant when boys would come and go.

 

[smackie9]

Hey OP as you can see you have a lot of "no dogs on the bed" vs "ok for dogs on the bed".

Both opinions do have good points. Some suggestions "pet bed/crate" are a good compromise. Try that. If it doesn't work or you feel this is a dealbreaker, then the BF goes.

[vla1120]

On 6/2/2021 at 7:32 PM, mark clemson said:

Put a large towel down about 3 feet out from the bedroom door and "tell" him to sleep there?  They will probably make a fuss for a while, but eventually get used to it I would think.

By "him", you mean the boyfriend, right?? You're right, he probably will fuss for awhile, but he'd eventually get used to it.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

By "him", you mean the boyfriend, right?

Sorry VLA, @MsJayne beat you to it back on page 2...

Edited June 4, 2021 by mark clemson

[MsJayne]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

To be fair, my dog trainer (who specialised in humane training) taught me that dogs have to be at the bottom of the pack when it comes to domestic behaviour. 

This is the crux of the matter.  A dog which perceives itself to be equal, or superior, to other family members can become a big problem. Chihuahuas are a breed which can get very jealous and nasty if they get over protective of their owner, and then they're not cute any more, they turn into a quivering, snarling mini-monster. If you ever watch The Dog Whisperer, or other shows which deal with wayward dogs, usually the bad behaviour is the result of the owner failing to establish boundaries when the dog's a pup. The OP is already making the puppy a higher priority than her BF,  which is why she needs to choose having the dog on the bed or having the BF, and if it's the dog on the bed obviously the BF doesn't mean much to her. 

[kendahke]

On 6/2/2021 at 4:55 PM, palamino_16 said:

From my perspective I don't need permission for my dog to sleep in my bed, in my house but I know we need to find middle ground

I don't think there is middle ground here. Either you're good with the dog not in the bedroom or with being single again til you find someone who doesn't mind the dog in the bed/bedroom. This guy does.

Edited June 4, 2021 by kendahke

[salparadise]

6 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

What do you mean "get her way"?  They don't live together.  It's her home, her bed, her dog, therefore HER way.  

I mean prevail, as in win. See you have the same attitude that she does –– boyfriend's preference and distaste for animals in the bed count for nothing. And yes, technically it is her decision since it's her house and her dog, however, technically is not the point. She is in a relationship, and presumably cares about him, and what affects him as well. If the relationship matters at all, his preference matters. His comfort matters, and acknowledgment of his feelings and their importance to her should matter.

There's so much more going on here than the face value of this question. Since we haven't heard back from OP I hate to assign motive, but It *may* be a who-wears-the-pants play (she hasn't said that exactly). That boyfriend may be looking beyond face value and decide that a dog in the bed is the last straw. 

[Allupinnit]

15 hours ago, salparadise said:

I mean prevail, as in win. See you have the same attitude that she does –– boyfriend's preference and distaste for animals in the bed count for nothing. And yes, technically it is her decision since it's her house and her dog, however, technically is not the point. She is in a relationship, and presumably cares about him, and what affects him as well. If the relationship matters at all, his preference matters. His comfort matters, and acknowledgment of his feelings and their importance to her should matter.

There's so much more going on here than the face value of this question. Since we haven't heard back from OP I hate to assign motive, but It *may* be a who-wears-the-pants play (she hasn't said that exactly). That boyfriend may be looking beyond face value and decide that a dog in the bed is the last straw. 

That's not true. It's not his house though.  And why does it have to be HIS preference at HER house?  Is that to his ignoring HER preference in her own home?  You're saying that his preference trumps hers at her home IF SHE VALUES THE RELATIONSHIP .  Not seeing how that's fair or right.

It might be a dealbreaker for him and fine, but that doesn't mean she's in the wrong.

[salparadise]

18 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

That's not true. It's not his house though.  And why does it have to be HIS preference at HER house?  Is that to his ignoring HER preference in her own home?  You're saying that his preference trumps hers at her home IF SHE VALUES THE RELATIONSHIP .  Not seeing how that's fair or right.

It might be a dealbreaker for him and fine, but that doesn't mean she's in the wrong.

Yes, there are shades of gray or b&w, depending on how you choose to view it. Sure, she can simply say "my house, my dog, and this is how it's going to be, so accept it or gtfo." Just he has the option to be done with this silliness without speaking another word. So let's not waste keystrokes stating the blatantly obvious over and over, okay. The only thing that makes this worth discussing is the presumption that both value the relationship, and resolving the matter amicably is more important than either's right to terminate. OP checked in 22 hours after the initial post and hasn't bothered since, so it's pretty safe to assume that she doesn't give a flying f what any of us think. It's purely academic at this point.

As I said in my first post in the thread, I don't view dog-in-bed vs. no-dog-in-bed as being balanced scenarios. Firstly, they've been together a year and a half, and the dog-in-bed issue arose within the last month. This is a change that she is trying to introduce. If he had been sleeping with the dog all along, and just now decided to object it would be he who is trying to change an established norm. Secondly, animals in the bed is not the norm for most people, even pet lovers. Sure some do, but I'd estimate that to be a small minority, not the norm and not balanced. Both should have veto power on the issue. Let's imagine for a second that it involved a different kind of pet, a snake, skunk, pig, or rodent... same principle but it feels quite different. Why? Because imagining a different type of pet makes it easier to relate to the distastefulness, and highlights the abnormality... merely by thinking in terms of any non-human species. And thirdly, I think this is at least partly a gender bias issue for some posters who believe that she should prevail, which I won't elaborate on because I just don't care to get into that.

Anyway, these are my thoughts, which I believe to have validity. I'd be interested in hearing rational arguments from a different perspective, but not the her house, her rules angle, which I believe to be obvious, simplistic, and only relevant if preserving the relationship is not a priority. 

 

Edited June 6, 2021 by salparadise

[Blind-Sided]

On 6/4/2021 at 4:03 AM, elaine567 said:

But a bf who doesn't want a dog in the bed is not a good bf for  the OP.
The OP is a woman who has had dogs all her life, she is not going to be happy to modify how she treats them, to satisfy some guy who is not used to animals, and is therefore  intolerant.
 

I agree and disagree.

Sure... if they aren't on the same page totally... then it won't last regardless.

But, all I've seen here is "Dog in the bed" as the issue.  If she has gone (at least) the last 1.5 years without a dog in the bed... then it isn't that big of a need to her. if she likes this guy, why can't she make a concession on that point to keep a relationship alive? 

But then again... if she is the kind of person that makes decisions like this on a whim, and expects the people around her to just accept it.. then maybe he id having second thoughts about our OP. 

[Pepsizero]

On 6/3/2021 at 9:31 AM, Donnas said:

Not to mention dogs can attack people while they are asleep....

Serious??? My sister sleeps with 2 dogs and has never been attacked. More of a chance that a male partner will attack than a dog!

[Pepsizero]

On 6/4/2021 at 5:29 AM, Timshel said:

Many men wouldn't care about a dog if the woman is what they want.

This is not a zero sum game. It's a puppy, a tiny one at that. Again, the OP hasn't weighed in; who knows how this has panned out for her.

A person could turn it around and ask why a man would let a good relationship go over a small dog. If a dog is a problem that won't be solved, best to let each other go.

The next thing would be the newborn waking up at all hours of the night....

Agree 100%. 

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

But, all I've seen here is "Dog in the bed" as the issue.  If she has gone (at least) the last 1.5 years without a dog in the bed... then it isn't that big of a need to her. if she likes this guy, why can't she make a concession on that point to keep a relationship alive? 

Plenty people will put their pet ownership on hold as circumstances dictate, but once they are again  in a relationship with a pet then they tend to slip straight into how they have always treated their animals.
I do not see the time the OP did not have a dog as a sign her need for a dog in the bed was reduced.
(Just because a guy doesn't have a  gf doesn't mean his need for a gf is reduced, does it?)

As soon as she got a dog it went straight into her bed, her need for a  pet in her bed was no doubt always there, only unfulfilled.
Maybe if the dog was a huge one, aggressive or slobbery, dirty or smelly and barks/whines all night, then maybe he would have had a point, but a little chihuahua pup who is as good as gold??

[introverted1]

6 hours ago, salparadise said:

Yes, there are shades of gray or b&w, depending on how you choose to view it. Sure, she can simply say "my house, my dog, and this is how it's going to be, so accept it or gtfo." Just he has the option to be done with this silliness without speaking another word. So let's not waste keystrokes stating the blatantly obvious over and over, okay. The only thing that makes this worth discussing is the presumption that both value the relationship, and resolving the matter amicably is more important than either's right to terminate. OP checked in 22 hours after the initial post and hasn't bothered since, so it's pretty safe to assume that she doesn't give a flying f what any of us think. It's purely academic at this point.

As I said in my first post in the thread, I don't view dog-in-bed vs. no-dog-in-bed as being balanced scenarios. Firstly, they've been together a year and a half, and the dog-in-bed issue arose within the last month. This is a change that she is trying to introduce. If he had been sleeping with the dog all along, and just now decided to object it would be he who is trying to change an established norm. Secondly, animals in the bed is not the norm for most people, even pet lovers. Sure some do, but I'd estimate that to be a small minority, not the norm and not balanced. Both should have veto power on the issue. Let's imagine for a second that it involved a different kind of pet, a snake, skunk, pig, or rodent... same principle but it feels quite different. Why? Because imagining a different type of pet makes it easier to relate to the distastefulness, and highlights the abnormality... merely by thinking in terms of any non-human species. And thirdly, I think this is at least partly a gender bias issue for some posters who believe that she should prevail, which I won't elaborate on because I just don't care to get into that.

Anyway, these are my thoughts, which I believe to have validity. I'd be interested in hearing rational arguments from a different perspective, but not the her house, her rules angle, which I believe to be obvious, simplistic, and only relevant if preserving the relationship is not a priority. 

 

So... not sure that this is actually the crux of things, but surveys show that anywhere from  50% to 75% of dog owners sleep with their dogs, with more doing so if the dog is small and less if the dog is large.  So it's definitely not in the category of "abnormal" even if some people find it distasteful. 

Quote

Today, almost half of all dogs sleep on their owner’s beds, according to a pet owner survey by the American Pet Products Association. But the size of the dog matters: Pomeranian-sized dogs are more commonly invited up, whereas potential bed hogs such as Great Danes are less frequent guests. https://www.tasteofthewildpetfood.com/health/pet-sleep-bed/

 

Quote

Nearly 75% of Dog Owners Let Their Pets Sleep on the Bed with Them, Survey Says https://people.com/pets/75-percent-dog-owners-share-bed-with-dog/

That said, if the gf is serious about both pet ownership AND her relationship, I'd think there'd have been some discussion about this up front, assuming the bf sleeps over on a regular basis.  Pretty sure there are solutions that let everyone be happy and comfortable.

(I may be biased.  I have a dog and he sleeps with me.  However, when I was in a r/s and my then bf slept over, the dog was relegated to another room.  I was initially concerned that the dog would be miserable (and that I would feel guilty) but it worked out. )

Edited June 6, 2021 by introverted1

[SumGuy]

19 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

So... not sure that this is actually the crux of things, but surveys show that anywhere from  50% to 75% of dog owners sleep with their dogs, with more doing so if the dog is small and less if the dog is large.  So it's definitely not in the category of "abnormal" even if some people find it distasteful. ...

Learn something every day, I also want to talk with those people who let Great Danes sleep in their beds...where can I get a bed that size!

The crux of the matter here, to me, is simply his feelings versus hers.   There are no facts we are presented with regarding this dog that lead one to believe he is unclean, or aggressive, or too big, or ill behaved or that this itself will lead to that (plenty of people have perfectly well behaved dogs who sleep with them).  If anything I'd be afraid of crushing the little thing.  The only "facts" we have here are this is a BF, this is her house, her bed, her dog.  The have been together for awhile and the dog is new.

Yes both him and her need to think if this is the hill they want the relationship to die on. 

In my view, he needs to decide how important this is to him and if he can live with it, and recognize that his reaction is emotional, visceral, his feelings. 

In my view she needs to do the same, but there is a twist. 

This is her place, her bed, her dog...and that counts for something, even if a small bit and more importantly what counts is it even put on the scales.  It should be put on the scales and someone who fails to do so is discounting or ignoring a persons autonomy and agency over their house, their bed.   It's not about "pant wearing" (what a telling way to phrase it) it is about one's own place and having say over it, so in that sense a person always gets to "wear the pants" in their own place.

Doesn't matter if the OP is male or female, gay or straight, or any sundry and other non-binary flavors, I consider someone discounting or ignoring the important fact that is my house, my bed, and my dog a red flag...and it would be an automatic deal breaker for me if they started telling me their feelings on this equal "facts" while my feelings on this are "abnormal."  

I consider the feelings and value of the relationship of both to be equal, he doesn't "need" this relationship anymore than she does.  The only thing that tips the scale in her favor in my mind is this is her house, her bed, her dog.   If the dog was large, unclean, etc. than yes would think the scales are in his favor, but that is not the case here.  

 To imply she is making some mistake while he is not, implies she needs the relationship more than him...that smells of gender bias to me, what if it was both men or both women, how would one decide then who is making the mistake?

[Timshel]

On 6/3/2021 at 8:54 AM, Gaeta said:

I had negociation power because the dog was there years before him. In your case you 'imposed' the dog on your partner. 
 

 

This is an important point. Gaeta had the dog before the boyfriend, as did I. This conversation is academic now it seems, the OP hasn't been back.

My husband and I have a Boston Terrier and a rescue Lab/Shepard mix. Our small pup does sleep with us, above the sheets and on the comforter and she burrows under the throw on the bed. She also jumps off the bed whenever we want, she's not an idiot.

Small dogs aren't outside dogs, we can't plop her out for the day and bring her in at night like we do our larger dog, weather permitting. Different breeds have different requirements.

If I had acquired our Boston after I met my husband and he did not want her in the bed, then we would have trained her accordingly.

The OP isn't married and states in her OP that her bf does not live with her and she feels better with the small dog in the bed for her mental health.

This is a conversation to be had prior to the acquisition of a dog if both people are thinking of planning a future together.

 

[Alpacalia]

Despite the fact that my dog is a mutt, when I adopted him, I made sure to crate train him, which he didn't enjoy at first but eventually adapted to.

Sometimes he'll sleep with me other times on the couch or in his crate on his own (I prefer him next to me though).

Crate training is usually your best bet, as most dogs grow to love their crates and will sleep in them on their own rather than in the bed if that's a problem for you both.

Edited June 7, 2021 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Despite the fact that my dog is a mutt, when I adopted him, I made sure to crate train him, which he didn't enjoy at first but eventually adapted to.

Sometimes he'll sleep with me other times on the couch or in his crate on his own (I prefer him next to me though).

Crate training is usually your best bet, as most dogs grow to love their crates and will sleep in them on their own rather than in the bed if that's a problem for you both.

Yes. Dogs are den animals. That's why they love their dog houses.

[CollinW]

This is an issue that's going to pop up more often in relationships. Due to today's antisocial environments and introversion, people are buying animals as a replacement for human interaction and children. And that's going to cause problems because animal owners don't realize how abnormal it is to act like you and your pet is a package deal