What to do When Your Partner Doesn't Want Your Dog in the Bed/Bedroom

[palamino_16]

We have been dating for a year and half but don't live together. But have hit a wall this past couple weeks on pets in the bedroom.
I have always grown up around dogs of all sizes and it was never uncommon for my small dogs to sleep with me. Not only does it help with my mental health, but I sleep better.

I recently got a Chihuahua puppy 1 month ago, and he sleeps with me every night. He is a wonderful sleeper he curls up so he is touching me and sleeps the entire night! He's not walking around licking you.
He didn't grow up with animals, so I understand partly how he feels. He thinks the bedroom is for humans only and all pets should stay out. He has told me he can not deal with it long term.

From my perspective I don't need permission for my dog to sleep in my bed, in my house but I know we need to find middle ground and I don't know where to start.

[dramafreezone]

If you make your pet sleep outside of the bedroom, you'll resent the BF.  If you continue this, he will resent you.  Just sounds like a deal breaker.  Doesn't sound like the BF cares much for pets at all.

[basil67]

Our dog used to sleep in a dog bed right next to our bed.   Perhaps that would be a compromise?

I wonder what experiences have you had with other guys and sleeping with animals.  Does it often prove problematic or is this guy an anomaly?

Edited June 2, 2021 by basil67

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, palamino_16 said:

Chihuahua puppy

Must be extremely small.  Is it safe for him to sleep with 2 adults?

[mark clemson]

Put a large towel down about 3 feet out from the bedroom door and "tell" him to sleep there?  They will probably make a fuss for a while, but eventually get used to it I would think.

[stillafool]

29 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Put a large towel down about 3 feet out from the bedroom door and "tell" him to sleep there?  They will probably make a fuss for a while, but eventually get used to it I would think.

He'll be lonely and scared.  He's just a baby.

[salparadise]

3 hours ago, palamino_16 said:

I have always grown up around dogs of all sizes and it was never uncommon for my small dogs to sleep with me.

He has told me he can not deal with it long term.

I've had dogs all my life too, and I've dated women with dogs, and never have I slept with a dog (or cat) in the bed, nor would I agree to start sleeping with someone's pets to appease. I think you need to be more objective in how you think about this –– you're trying to present it as if the scales are balanced, but they're not. While sleeping with animals may not be unheard of, it's certainly not the norm, and trying to impose that on someone who finds it distasteful is a very different deal than making such a choice for yourself. The default should be no dog in the bed unless BOTH approve. Plus, it's not even his dog; you're asking him to sleep with someone else's dog! The fact that it's YOUR dog doesn't change that. 

Also, you know it's going to inhibit intimacy. What happens when it's time for a spontaneous 3am schutp? Or 7-9pm for that matter? Who gets priority? Does the dog get to join in the fun (just add peanut butter) or do you kick it out of the room and listen to it whining? It would be a shame if he got his head smashed between pelvic bones. I think you need to develop the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and consider how it feels (it's called empathy). I find the mental health/better sleep angle unconvincing. 

 

[JaxB]

3 hours ago, palamino_16 said:

We have been dating for a year and half but don't live together. But have hit a wall this past couple weeks on pets in the bedroom.
I have always grown up around dogs of all sizes and it was never uncommon for my small dogs to sleep with me. Not only does it help with my mental health, but I sleep better.

I recently got a Chihuahua puppy 1 month ago, and he sleeps with me every night. He is a wonderful sleeper he curls up so he is touching me and sleeps the entire night! He's not walking around licking you.
He didn't grow up with animals, so I understand partly how he feels. He thinks the bedroom is for humans only and all pets should stay out. He has told me he can not deal with it long term.

From my perspective I don't need permission for my dog to sleep in my bed, in my house but I know we need to find middle ground and I don't know where to start.

Having two small dogs, 10 & 12 I’m super protective over them and I believe my home is their home so I wouldn’t not allow them on the couch or in bed with me, luckily my boyfriend feels the same way. With that said sometimes people think animals (dogs) are dirty but if you keep yours groomed and clean, I don’t see a problem. I would have a conversation about how he really feels, the why and what can the compromise be.
Maybe get a cozy dog bed and have it in a nice spot by the bed or a corner even. We put a medium size bed and my Yorkie loves to be in the room with us but has his own space and prefers it over our bed most of the time. Or do you believe in using a crate? I didn’t but once I started to I notice my dogs would just go in there on their own sometimes. Now since we WFH we only use the crate at night or if we go out far. Hope this helps!

[ShyViolet]

If your boyfriend is not cool with your dog and doesn't completely accept your dog and all that comes with it, then you and him are not compatible.  Period.  Pets are family members and you don't EVER compromise that for a relationship.  Someone's attitude towards animals and pets says a lot about them as a person.  

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, salparadise said:

Also, you know it's going to inhibit intimacy. What happens when it's time for a spontaneous 3am schutp? Or 7-9pm for that matter? Who gets priority? Does the dog get to join in the fun (just add peanut butter) or do you kick it out of the room and listen to it whining? It would be a shame if he got his head smashed between pelvic bones. I think you need to develop the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and consider how it feels (it's called empathy). I find the mental health/better sleep angle unconvincing. 

 

Yeah, I have two that were in the bed with me during the pandemic, but I'm breaking them out of that habit right now.  They'll be on the couch going forward while I'm sleeping half of the night on the couch and half in my bed.

OP one idea to get another dog, so they have each other and you won't feel guilty about them sleeping in the living room for instance.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I agree with the poster who suggested to get another dog as a companion for the one you have and let them sleep together.

I wouldn't sleep with a dog, though I know others who do and I have no criticism of them, to each his own. I fully understand your bf's perspective.

You need to choose if your dog or bf is more important to you if neither of you will budge. Personally, I love animals but humans are far more important to me for many reasons.

[seapebbles]

I grew up with pets both dogs and cats and currently have them. The general rule is no animals in the bedrooms and definitely not in the bed. It is your house and your rules, but if you don't compromise, he will be reluctant to ever move in together thus advancing the relationship. I like the idea of having the dog sleep in its own bed on the floor. 

[chillii]

l don't blame him. Can not stand dogs or cats in the bed . And what you wanna be intimate with a damn animal sitting there too , not to mention the filthy hygiene side of it.

[Donnas]

Never heard of people need to sleep with dogs in bed for mental health .You say also it always been that way.Could it be that as kid something happen or just as kid it started and its just something u done so long because its been told to you to do it when u were scared?

And now you still doing it as something to hold on to it?

Not only for hygiene reasons,but also when you married and have a man, your bed should be for just the two of you.No kids,no dogs.

Beside you are adult now, its time for adult choices. The dog sleeping in a other room wont make him love you less. Maybe talking to a therapist can help you let go of it.

Beside ,dogs/animals that walk gos everywhere and do what ever with their mouth.😖😷....and got so much deseas they can transfer.

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, palamino_16 said:

 I don't need permission for my dog to sleep in my bed, in my house 

After sex, ask him to go home and not sleep over.

You're incompatible. You're a dog person, he's not. It's that simple.

Dogs are animals, not humans. You need to respect nature and not treat an animal as a babydoll or toy or stuffed animal.

You don't seem mature or secure enough to have a relationship.

Edited June 3, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Donnas]

Not to mention dogs can attack people while they are asleep....

[Fletch Lives]

Why do you need to sleep with a dog for comfort when you have your boyfriend there?

Move over little doggie the big dog is movin' in!

[elaine567]

Find a guy who loves dogs and who doesn't mind having the dog in the bed.
 A guy who has never been brought up with dogs and wants dog free zones is not the guy you want in your life.
It will always cause problems, slippery slope, no dog in the bedroom , no dog in the kitchen. no dog in the living room, dogs need to be outdoors.. no dog... perfect.

[Taramere]

7 hours ago, stillafool said:

He'll be lonely and scared.  He's just a baby.

My pup slept on my bed for the first few weeks while she was settling in, but with a large dog bed next to mine - which she began using of her own accord.  She does still clamber up on to the bed, but I'm trying to make her own bed as attractive as possible for her - even if it does mean my sleep is disturbed a bit by the sound of her playing with her toys while she's in there. 

I totally understand your worry about the dog feeling scared and alone.  It's important to build up their confidence about being alone - and there's no end of advice on the internet about how to do that by gradually building up their alone time to prevent them being overwhelmed by an upsetting, unfamiliar situation.  Maybe starting with the bed next to yours, and then moving it out into the hall but keeping the door open - and, over time, gradually closing the door until eventually it's shut at night and the dog is sleeping in the hall - but knows you're just on the other side of the door.

I would talk to him about that and explain that you need to identify a strategy that will enable the dog to gradually adjust to sleeping outside the room so that she isn't dumped in a completely scary, unfamiliar situation (which, if she associates with your boyfriend, isn't going to help matters).  I think a good sign would be if he takes an interest in that, shows some appreciation of the need to minimise stress for the dog and even takes an active interest in the training process.  If his reaction is more "yeah great - whatever, just get the dog out of here" then I'd foresee a longer term compatibility problem.

[Taramere]

8 hours ago, salparadise said:

I've had dogs all my life too, and I've dated women with dogs, and never have I slept with a dog (or cat) in the bed, nor would I agree to start sleeping with someone's pets to appease. I think you need to be more objective in how you think about this –– you're trying to present it as if the scales are balanced, but they're not. While sleeping with animals may not be unheard of, it's certainly not the norm, and trying to impose that on someone who finds it distasteful is a very different deal than making such a choice for yourself.

 

I agree that it's not something that should be imposed on anybody, but it's a lot more common than you think.  LS is so strict about links these days that I won't post any, but if you do a google search of the percentage of pet owners who sleep with their pets, I think you'll be surprised.  It goes back centuries too (especially in colder climates where people used to sleep with animals for warmth as well as protection). 

Personally I prefer my dog to sleep in her own bed, but new puppies are tricky.  They're so used to sleeping with their mother and their litter mates - and to suddenly be taken away from all that, into an unfamiliar location with people who fuss over them for several hours and then put them on their own for the night must be very stressful.  I let my pup share my bed for the first few weeks in an effort to minimise the stress, and it wasn't that difficult to get her to make the switch from my bed to her own.   I do think it's important to train them to have chunks of alone time - starting small and building up, if that's at all possible.

With smaller dogs like chihuahuas, there's the additional problem of them being vulnerable on account of their size - and I think it results in people being particularly protective of them.  Which is not always to the dog's advantage as they don't get opportunities to build up their self confidence.  There are lots of small dogs in my local park, and you can see a big difference in demeanours between the ones whose owners are very protective and nervous about them encountering other dogs, and the owners who have that confidence to let them socialise with larger dogs.  The latter are much calmer and more self assured, despite their small size.  

@palamino_16 - I'm sure you want a confident, self assured dog...since those dogs tend to have fuller lives than the ones who are nervous and clingy with their owners.  This situation with your boyfriend might be an opportunity to think afresh about how you're raising your pup.  He'll probably be far more okay than you think with having his own bed so long as (initially at least) it's in your room and close to your bed. 

Edited June 3, 2021 by Taramere

[Blind-Sided]

There is a couple things going on here.....

1) Did you date for all that time and not have a dog at all?

2) Did you talk to him before buying the dog?

OK... I realize you don't live together, and you can make your own choices on animals. But those choices effect everyone.  To some people... getting a dog (or cat) is something they do on a whim, and without thought.  But the reality is... it's a big decision. (like kids) The dog will tie you down.  You can't just leave for the day, or multiple days without looking for someone to watch the dog.  And like someone already said... the dog is part of the family (They are pack animals) and it's not fair to the dog to leave it alone all the time.  There is a lot of extra expense in feeding the dog, caring for the dog, and medical for the dog.  Not to mention, if you didn't talk to your BF about it... you made a big decision that effects him also.

With that said... I grew up with dogs, and I love dogs.  BUT... I don't own a dog.  You may ask why???  It's because I want my life to be more simple, and a dog makes it more complex, and more expensive.  Not to mention... you add  A LOT of work in cleaning hair off of every thing.  Nothing is worse than looking at your clothes and realize you are covered in dog hair. 

As for the bed... well... that's your choice.  And, it's a choice not a lot of adults will want.  I don't want a bed full of dog hair, and mud. (or poop)  Lets face it... you let a dog out, and it runs around in the grass.  Do you scrub it's feet every time it comes in?

You buying a dog... without consulting your BF... basically said to him... "The dog come first, even though we were in a relationship already."

So... you made your choice... it's time to break up with your BF because you are upset that he didn't just give into your choices. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

... the dog is part of the family (They are pack animals) and it's not fair to the dog to leave it alone all the time.  

Agree. They are living creatures with feelings, not stuffed animals.

[Gaeta]

First I am a dog lover.

If you knew your bf's feelings on this matter why did you go ahead and get the dog?  Here you are in a 1,5 year relationship ignoring your bf's dislike for a dog in the bed and the bedroom and still went ahead with it?

My dog had slept in my bed for 8 years when I met my ex-bf. When I met him he told me he liked dogs but not on bed or furniture. I told him I can train my dog to sleep on his own bed in my bedroom but I would  not lock him out of the bedroom at the age of 8, I also told him I need my dog next to me on the couch it's why I got him in the first place so I was not going to negociate on that. I did not get the dog to serve as a floor ornament. 

I had negociation power because the dog was there years before him. In your case you 'imposed' the dog on your partner. 

Here is what I would negociate with your bf. The dog will be trained to sleep in his own bed in your bedroom and a crate will help you a great deal. In that crate have piece of clothing that belongs to you with your scent. Put the crate in a place the dog can see you. Animals feel safer is small space, your pup will be just fine in a cozy crate with his cushion & your sweater. He's just a pup so you'll have to get up and let him out to pee & drink for the fews months. Soon the crate will become his favorite place and you won't have to close the door so he'll go in and out on his own to pee and drink when he needs to. 

It took about 2 months to train my dog to sleep in his bed. He would often jump in my bed in the middle of the night sometimes 3-4 times per night. I would get up, guide him back to his bed, pet him 'good boy'. My ex never shown impatience toward the dog. I would never have accepted that. 

Chihuahua have very long life. If your boyfriend isn't a dog lover then you're in for a relationship filled with frustration over the dog. It's not fair to the dog. 

 

Edited June 3, 2021 by Gaeta

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, stillafool said:

He'll be lonely and scared.  He's just a baby.

Get him a kennel and cover it with a blanket. He may cry the first night but he will settle in. Puppies often sleep in kennels, otherwise the dog bed is a good idea beside your bed. 

My partner did not like sleeping with my dog. On the nights he stayed over, which were rare, the dog slept in the living room. I have also put his cat out of the bedroom because I’m allergic. Obviously, we both wish it would be different... but, it’s what we decided we had to do. 

[chillii]

l've had dogs and horses all my life but nope no way they don't belong in the bed room or on the couch. Thankfully l have neither these days though and man , so much freedom can't believe it. Said to gf wanna get a dog , she loves cats and dogs too but she said no way had enough of them too much bs and work, mess. So we're good, and life is bliss haha.

But eh , knock yourself out. Never known a guy that wants to share a bed or bedroom with his women and a dog too though. Not that some wouldn't , never met one though.